5 Months. A lifetime. A Day

[beth_krkswidow]

I am new here.  I am at 5 months and 2 days.  People think I should be "better."  I am not.  I am no better than the unspeakable moment my life ended when my husband died 2 days before our 28th wedding anniversary.  I do not want to go on.  We were never able to have children.  So many widows in my Grief Groups (I go to 3) say, "If it weren't for my kids...".  I don't have kids.  And I have absolutely no reason to live.  I do not want to go on.  I have nothing to look forward to.  I wake up each morning and think, Oh :expletive: I'm still here.  I can't imagine living another month, let alone a year, a decade, multiple decades.  My life ended when he died.  He was my life.  He was my soul mate.  And I was his.  I do not know how to go on.  I just don't.

[Mrskro]

OH Beth;

 

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had to find us. 

 

No matter how many times I hear it, I still find it so ridiculous that people feel there is a time line on grief.  But speaking from experience (I just hit the 2 year mark) it does get easier. 

 

I do have kids, but I felt exactly like you did.    My advice, take it one day at a time, moments if you have to.  Be easy on yourself.

 

Hugs

[Wheelerswife]

Hi and welcome to our forum.

 

I understand what it is like to lose your spouse and really be alone.  I don't have kids, either.  It is hard to move forward in life when we find ourselves alone, especially when our minds were glued to the vision of living to old age with our spouses.  I knew my first husband would die young (he made it to 53), but I was unprepared for my second husband to die young as well (5 days shy of 57).  I feel more, sometimes, for those widowed much younger than I was (47 the first time) and those with little ones who have lost their Mommy or Daddy.

 

None-the-less, this impacts each of us similarly, yet differently based on our circumstances, temperament, etc.  My experience tells me that there will be a period of time before any of us can start to see the light, and that period of time is quite different for each of us.  The reality is that we do continue to live and breathe and somehow, we have to figure out how to continue making a life from what we have.  For me, I hate being miserable, and that itself seems to be a big motivation to try to figure out how to continue to live. 

 

In the mean time, we take this one day at a time...which in all honesty, is the only way we can live anyways.  Work on getting through today and this week.  I found this type of forum more helpful than grief groups, especially those that were for grief of any kind or those that had mostly people as old as my parents.  But you will do what works best for you and with the resources you have, too.

 

I'm sorry you had to join us, but I'm glad you found us.

 

Maureen

[beth_krkswidow]

Thank you so much, MrsK and Maureen.  Thanks especially for the hugs.

 

I guess I am taking it a moment at a time.  I am just so sick of people telling me I have got to be better by now.  Really, you must feel somewhat better!  Uh, no, I do not. 

 

One of my Grief Groups is only for "young" widows.  You must be under 65 and you must be widowed.  That is the best one.  The ones for anyone grieving, as you said, Maureen, are just not the same.  They don't understand.

 

I just don't understand how you go from where I am to actually wanting to live again, or actually looking forward to something.  I am dreading the holidays and pretty much just want to crawl in a hole.  Any little pain I have I hope is something serious.  Pain in the head? Hey!  Maybe it's an aneurysm!  You can't say this to your normal average person because they then argue with you and tell you that you have SO much to live for.  Uh... no.  No, I do not.  I have nothing go live for.  Absolutely nothing.  I love my pets, but they would be just fine with someone else. 

 

Sorry, and thanks for listening and for your kind responses.

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

I had medical problems right after my second husband died. I had surgery and was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. I wanted it to just take me. But no, it didn't. It just served to reinforce that I don't have control of much in this life! 

 

Holidays are hard. I found the first year to be the worst. People wouldn't talk about the elephant in MY room. They were more concerned with not upsetting me or ruining the holiday. Frankly, it was easier to spend Christmas alone than Thanksgiving with family.

 

It isn't as hard as it used to be.

 

Hang in there.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Seagirl]

I will be 5 months tomorrow. It is ok to not be better I think, I am new to this too and there is still so much to process and it is still so raw. We all have different situations and I know that at the moment I wake up each day and don't know if it is going to be good or bad or really bad. I try to get through and try to look forward. I try to convince myself that I have so much to live for but a lot of the time I find it hard to convince myself. I have found that it helps to try to be around a positive person as this seems to help. I know now who these people are and if I can I get out the door to see them. Animals are good I find. I have had times when I have been suicidal, I have rung help lines late at night and even joined a couple of online forums including this one.

 

I find that very few people understand what it feels like and know that there are no words really just raw emotion. Some people understand this and have empathy, others don't. I hear when you say you are sick of people saying stuff, one I get often is you are doing so well, you are so strong etc but I get tired of trying to answer this. I have a lot going on including kids but find that a lot of it is distraction, sometimes welcome and sometimes not. But I say again seek out the positive people, they seem to share their energy and as I find that I get extremely tired this is helpful.

 

I hope this sends some of this energy I have borrowed from these people to you and that some comfort comes to you. I also pray every night as I have always done as this helps for me. Love and hugs to you.

 

 

[beth_krkswidow]

Thank you, Maureen and Seagirl.  Thank you.

 

You know, I used to be a great Prayer Warrior.  Now, I can barely pray.  I try.  I just can't do it.  If someone had asked me prior to my husband's death how I would survive were he to die, I would have said, "It would be horrible, but my faith would carry me through."  Sooo not true.  The only thing my faith is doing is keeping me from driving off a cliff.  I just can't find it or feel it or act on it anymore.

 

Thank you again for your encouraging words.  I am glad I found this and actually joined. 

[mbanyard]

" I wake up each day and don't know if it is going to be good or bad or really bad. "

 

Boy....do I ever know what you mean here. Some days I am almost ok and then BAM, out of nowhere I am completely broadsided by it all again and slide right back to the beginning.

 

I also find that only those who have lived this hell can even come close to understanding what we are dealing with. That doesn't mean that there aren't those who have not experienced loss who want to help, and do help in their own way. They just cannot possibly get to the same place that we all are....nor would I wish them to.

 

I also have a lot going on, and MANY people trying to provide me with distractions. Most of the time it is completely ok, and other times I just need to curl up in my jammies and cry for the day. I think that both of these things are totally fine and that we can only do what we can at any given day, hour, minute, second.

 

I was exactly like you until a week or so ago...I prayed every day that something, ANYTHING, would just take me to be with him. A week ago I was reminded of my university friend's little girl, 5 years old, who had so much to live for an died of an aggressive children's lymphoma. The realization that I had been left here for a reason is what has driven me forward. I am now trying to do as much good as I can for others, and all in my late husband's name.

 

The other thing that I find has been helping me is writing a journal to my DH every night. I tell him about my day, my plans for the next, how I am feeling, what that day was like and how hard it was to go through it without him. I basically treat it as the discussion that we would have normally has each day. It\s my way to stay connected to him, but in a different way.

 

I hope some of this helps you to find a way to cope. I cannot personally get past that "just cope" stage yet, so I have no other insight to offer you, except to say keep coming here. These people have all helped me to find my path, when those physically around me could not.

 

Hugs

MB

[Mizpah]

It's definitely ok to not be better, and to be frustrated by people rushing you to be where they want you to be.  I didn't have children either, and felt I could not survive the unbearable pain of widowhood.  At 5+ years out, I will tell you that you will not always feel as you do now, though I know that's no consolation at present.  It took me a couple years to start to feel alive again.  A friend of mine said it took him six.  For some people it's far shorter.  I too struggled with exactly what you said - nothing to look forward to, a future gone.  Reenvisioning a life takes a long long time and it's a very GRADUAL process.  I tried to force myself into healthy habits (such as getting sunlight, being physically active, etc.), but also allowed myself to have whatever feelings I had, no matter how bad (or good).  Thinking of you and wishing you solace.

[born to run]

Thank you for talking about your pain. Feeling alone in all of this is one of the toughest aspects and your words could have been my own. I can't fathom that life still goes on, and that the world continues to live on, when my world just completely stopped.  Sometimes I think I might have a shot at making it through this, but most times I'm just shattered and lost. I'm just trying to keep moving, and keep swimming... it might not always be forward or in the right direction, but it's all we can do.

Hugs to you.  Please keep swimming.

[beth_krkswidow]

"I can't fathom that life still goes on, and that the world continues to live on, when my world just completely stopped"

 

Yes.  Exactly.

 

I can't do this. I do not know how anyone survives this.

 

Hugs.

[beth_krkswidow]

Many months later and I still do not know how anyone survives this.  I am beyond a year now, but I still do not understand, cannot comprehend, how this is survivable.  I have done very little.  His shirt and jeans are still hanging in the bathroom; the clothes in his closet and drawers untouched.  His shampoo still in the shower.  His ring still around my neck.  People who see my wedding ring have asked me if I've remarried.  I want to punch them.

[Wife of Tomasz]

hi Beth,

I am just past 2 years out and his clothing is still in the closet and toothbrush in the bathroom. I have not gotten rid off/moved anything, only gave some items to family. I do not see myself getting rid of anything anytime soon, or ever, and do not think I should have to. All the most expensive things in the world can not come close to the value of these items to me. I also do not do much. My motto has been "do whatever you have to to get through the day" since the beginning, and that's how I have been "living" so far. What you wrote at the beginning is just how I felt at that time too. I could never have imagined that it was possible to live for a year with this loss let alone 2. I was really hoping that it wasn't. I am amazed to say that somehow, just by doing it one day at a time for 2 years I find myself in a place that does not hurt as much as the beginning. I really did my best to be on auto pilot all the time, and now I have no idea how I got to where I am now, but its not as dark. Now anytime I am having a bad moment I think back and remember that last year when I had a bad moment the intensity was much greater. Sorry I am rambling. Just wanted to say I understand. hugs

[Julester3]

It's the same story at my house. Very little is changed except he is not here. His clothes are in the closet and dresser. His work bag and shoes are in the mushroom. His laptop is at his desk. His toiletries are still in the bathroom. There are no rules for us - we don't have to just dump everything at any given time unless we are ready or otherwise are forced to because of personal circumstance. Like WoT, I get through the day and I wonder why I am still functioning though I tend to credit the kids for that. Their existence compels me to function or at least appear to. Hugs to you! We need the endorphins!

[beth_krkswidow]

Oh my goodness it is so good to hear I'm not the only one!

 

Hugs hugs hugs back. Thank you both so much

[beth_krkswidow]

Still haven't mooved a thing, but. But. It isn't as dark. Iit truly is softer here at almost 18 months. I  never would have believed that. Never.

[beth_krkswidow]

At 20 months it has finally truly gotten softer. People here said it would. I didn't believe them. But it has.  I no longer want to drive off a cliff. I  still have no purpose to l7ve. Maybe that's what's next

[jeudi]

Glad you are reporting in. And that you are feeling a lessening of the overpowering feelings of grief. I've come to realize how important our grief is. I truly believe it is what we must go through after such a loss.

 

I was widowed 15 years ago. I still have moments when I feel loss and while I no longer feel overwhelmed by these feelings it still hurts.

 

Can I tell you that at 15 years life is pretty darned wonderful again? Please, please continue to be patient with yourself. A different life is still a gratifying life. I built mine one brick at a time- really just one little piece at a time. It has really hard but it has truly been worth it.

 

Judy

[beth_krkswidow]

Wow. Thank you Judy.

15 years,

I never thought I would make it a year.

Thank you so much