mekender Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 Wife of 12 years passed on Saturday after suffering a massive stroke at age 42... Picking up the pieces also lets my mind roam... Took my kids to the mall to trick-or-treat last night, I caught myself thinking that one of the ladies we met would be fun to go to dinner with... I find myself talking to her best friend for hours and hours and the conversations can go into areas that really make me start thinking things that I feel guilty about at the same time... I mean it is one thing that she, my wife and I would constantly joke around about incredibly adult subject matter, it is another thing now... Today I called a former friend of mine, someone that my wife had had a lengthy friendship with up until several years ago when he and she started having some wildly inappropriate discussions via internet messaging. Them being 600 miles apart is what I think kept it from being anything more than conversations. But, he and I were good friends for most of my youth and young adult years so I felt it was only proper that I call him and tell him in person what happened. During the early part of the conversation, he said "wow, I just talked to her a few days ago"... Which was a complete shock since I was under the belief that they had not talked in at least 5 or 6 years. Going through her phone confirms that they have been talking regularly, and she was telling him that I had moved out and that she was on her own, many of the same types of things that she used to say to him to get sympathy... All this on the day I went to the funeral home and signed the paperwork to get her remains taken care of... Oh, and talking to a lawyer today, I am informed that the hospital can and most likely will come after me for the bills meaning that I am heading for bankruptcy... Merry Christmas to me and my 4 kids huh? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SemperFidelis Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 Gosh, I am sorry for all that you are dealing with. What a mixed bag of emotions you must have going on. I'm wishing you the best in sorting all of this out and heading toward some sort of something.....whatever it is that needs to happen for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julester3 Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 What a sticky situation she put you in with that friend. So sorry you have to join us here. Yes, the hospital will bill you, the doctors who treated her will bill you, the ambulance will find you too if you had to use them and will bill you too. It never ceases to amaze me. Did you guys have health insurance? That should help some hopefully. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mekender Posted November 1, 2016 Author Share Posted November 1, 2016 What a sticky situation she put you in with that friend. So sorry you have to join us here. Yes, the hospital will bill you, the doctors who treated her will bill you, the ambulance will find you too if you had to use them and will bill you too. It never ceases to amaze me. Did you guys have health insurance? That should help some hopefully. Nope, I was unemployed until about 3 months ago, she and the kids were on Medicaid... But we moved to a new state on August 1st so that lapsed... My new job's benefits did not even become available to sign up for until a few weeks ago, not that I could afford it at $1822 a month for the family. And even if I had, it would not have been effective until January 1st. But I make too much for any subsidies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mekender Posted November 1, 2016 Author Share Posted November 1, 2016 Gosh, I am sorry for all that you are dealing with. What a mixed bag of emotions you must have going on. I'm wishing you the best in sorting all of this out and heading toward some sort of something.....whatever it is that needs to happen for you. I am holding on to some of the good things... We donated her organs and Sunday night at 10pm the doctor called me to let me know that her kidneys were viable and on a testing machine, but they had already informed a person with a family to start heading to the hospital. So good has come from bad!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 Which was a complete shock since I was under the belief that they had not talked in at least 5 or 6 years. Going through her phone confirms that they have been talking regularly, and she was telling him that I had moved out and that she was on her own, many of the same types of things that she used to say to him to get sympathy... Please accept my sympathies on the passing of your wife. Yeah, finding out things after they pass stinks doesn't it? My late wife, when she would run away, would shack up with anyone that could afford her price - that happened to be whiskey. Over the years, I've made my peace with it and am no longer angered by it. It's done and gone and I'm still here having raised my sons into fine young men. You'll be P.O'd for awhile - maybe a long while - but work to try to forget all the BS and concentrate on the good things she was and speak well of her to all, especially the kids. They, and no one else really, don't need to know the full truth of what really was going on. I found it's just better to move on and forget the trashy parts of my late wife's life. Good luck and again, sorry for your loss. Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 I'm sorry for your loss as well as the confusing and hurtful information that you have discovered. Not many people know that I was told of some terribly upsetting behavior of my first husband that had occurred several years before he died. If I had known, I might have decided not to stay with him. Once I knew, I became quite angry and needed to figure out what to do with this information. I found a good therapist who helped me process what I had found out and get through the anger. I also paced a path around his grave and ranted and yelled at him. In the long run, I realized that it didn't help me to hold onto the anger and I had to let it go. There wasn't anything I could do about the past, and I didn't see any evidence of that kind of behavior in the rest of our years together. I prefer to remember the man I loved and who loved me. Give yourself some time and don't be afraid to find some help to process all of what you are feeling. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mekender Posted November 2, 2016 Author Share Posted November 2, 2016 Which was a complete shock since I was under the belief that they had not talked in at least 5 or 6 years. Going through her phone confirms that they have been talking regularly, and she was telling him that I had moved out and that she was on her own, many of the same types of things that she used to say to him to get sympathy... Please accept my sympathies on the passing of your wife. Yeah, finding out things after they pass stinks doesn't it? My late wife, when she would run away, would shack up with anyone that could afford her price - that happened to be whiskey. Over the years, I've made my peace with it and am no longer angered by it. It's done and gone and I'm still here having raised my sons into fine young men. You'll be P.O'd for awhile - maybe a long while - but work to try to forget all the BS and concentrate on the good things she was and speak well of her to all, especially the kids. They, and no one else really, don't need to know the full truth of what really was going on. I found it's just better to move on and forget the trashy parts of my late wife's life. Good luck and again, sorry for your loss. Mike Yea, I'm not going to dwell on it a whole lot... IMO, it is pointless to really get upset, it isn't like she cares any more and it is not like I can go in the other room and yell about it with her. And I have intentionally tried to not find out if she had been taking the medicines that she was supposed to be taking that might have mitigated some of her health problems. At the end of the day, she is still gone... I am still a single father of 4... And the things that happened that were bad have almost zero bearing on my life going forward and even more so have no real bearing on my relationship with my kids... And of course, this is stuff that my children will never know about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adley Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 Mekender, I'm sorry. This grief can keep your head spinning for a long time. It's a long row to hoe, but we're all here to support each other and lean as needed. Lean away, and I wish you the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill1972 Posted November 2, 2016 Share Posted November 2, 2016 Good Morning Mekender, It has been two months for me. Although everyone's journey is unique, I look back and realize that there is an initial period of acute emotional shock. During this period you need to be careful what decisions you make, what you say and what you do. You may look back at this period in the future and not even remember some or most of it. Just be careful and recognise that your mind needs time to process what has happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mekender Posted November 3, 2016 Author Share Posted November 3, 2016 Thanks for the words of support and encouragement... I talked with the transplant coordinator today and he told me that one of her kidneys had been received by a similarly aged woman with a family. With tears streaming down my face and my voice cracking, I could not express to him how overjoyed I was that I was able to make sure that she continued helping people in death as she did in life... Then a bit later, I was struggling with all kinds of strange feelings as I wrote a go-fund-me asking for help... I would have preferred that someone else done it, but multiple friends and family members insisted that one be done and yet none actually did it. I have gladly donated to others go-fund-me pages, created one for a dear friend and also organized multiple fund raising efforts in other ways for other people, but doing one for myself just feels wrong somehow... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julester3 Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 I had to do my own as well. The advantage is that you have control over it and can watch it more directly. I put updates periodically there on how we are doing. All the time I do updates, someone donates. I have been finding that when I help other people randomly (sewing help or whatever) and won't accept anything, they find the donation page and give that way. I put this money on the kids' college funds. We maxed out contributions for the year so I will donate again in January. Also, you can decide to make it more public or private. Mine is private so you can't find it if you search for it directly. You need the link. Also putting the link in your Facebook can help reach more people too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddienhp Posted November 6, 2016 Share Posted November 6, 2016 So sorry Mekender. You have a lot on your plate. Too many things at once. My grief was complicated. My husband did a number after he was diagnosed with late stage cancer. His family thought he should live the rest of his life to the fullest. He left for a few months and traveled all over, wracking up debt into the six figures. I was so angry that people encouraged him to leave his two young children who were 5 months and 3 years at the time. It was a very difficult time and it destroyed our marriage. I have struggled to negotiate all of that debt since then. I was very angry but I was able to focus on the fact that we were good friends too. I was there when he died. His selfish family abandoned him. It was too hard to watch him die they claimed. Today I can look back and remember the good times we had and acknowledge the turmoil without hurt. You are in a tough spot. Definitely contact an attorney regarding debt relief. There are legal aid societies that are funded by the government that will help for free. Some of the law colleges take on cases for their students to work on under the direction of a professor. Whether you file for bankruptcy or negotiate it down, you need some kind of break. You are already trying to find positives in this tragedy. It will be a tough journey as a single parent of 4 facing financial stress. You will overcome it. Just keep asking for help, whether it be childcare, ride sharing for the kids activities, professional advice, food pantries, etc. Lots of schools donate a thanksgiving dinner to families who are struggling so reach out to the school social worker. They also donate christmas presents. I have used a lot of these services. We had to find a way to survive. You came to the right place. Many of us here have shared your journey. Keep coming back. Sending you strength, Eileen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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