at what point do we stop helping our adult children financially?

[DonnaP]

Backstory - both my sons are finished with college and have moved out on their own (yay!)

 

Once they both had paying jobs, I transferred responsibility of most of their own bills to them. These include things like cellphone, car, insurance, student loans, etc.

 

My younger son is far more independent and has never once complained about taking on some of his expenses. He lives in NYC and does not need a car, therefore, his expenses are less than his brother's.

 

My older son is struggling a bit financially - he took a job paying substantially less than the previous one, mainly to get started in a new field and get out of a bad situation which he hated. He had enough money to pay his bills monthly, but just barely. And he is not able to save much. Could he cut back in expenses? Probably - but it's not like he is over extravagant either.

 

He needs a new car and I'm afraid the car payments will put him over the limit of what he can afford monthly. Sigh. I'm thinking of how to help him without taking on the entire burden myself. Any thoughts or ideas??

[Portside]

Hmmmm - tough one.

 

For my sons, once they were out of college, I was out of the picture financially.

 

BUT, daughter flunked out of college due to her own lifestyle choices and moved back home. She is now working 3 part-time jobs to pay her way, such as it is.

 

She doesn't pay me room or board but is responsible for her phone, school loan payments, car payments and car insurance. I figure I'll give it a year or so and then nudge her out again. It won't be a surprise though, we have already discussed it.

 

I'm cramping her party and sleeping around style big time. She wants out as bad as I'd like her to be on her own.

 

Good luck - Mike

[Trying]

That is a tough one.  I'm struggling with this as well.  Oldest is slowly getting his act together after quitting college, working, living on his own.  I am still paying cell phone and car insurance he does everything else.  If his car dies, which it could at any time, he would need help getting a loan.  He has a savings account we opened when he was born that he has no access to that I can turn over. 

 

Maybe help him enough that he's not under water but not so much he isn't having to tighten his belt a bit still. 

[klim]

I'm going to chime in from what my parents did for me and my siblings. We were not  all on the same financial footing.  My brother and sister struggled more then I. My parents helped whenever they deemed it necessary. I remember one particular instance when my brother was driving a fairly old beatup car and had a young daughter.My parents helped my brother buy a car( used but much newer then the other one) by providing an very very low interest loan. This was their modus operandus..... low interest loans with very loose payback schedules ....like years and years....and years.  In other words my Brother eventually became an engineer with a good job , but when my parents passed away and we were doing the financials, he still had a substantial debt to my parents( which was  all documented), so it  came out of his inheritence.

 

I think it really depends on your financial position as well.... my parents were secure financially, not rich and not poor......I suspect I will be using this same model.

[InOverMyHead]

merr.. I would be homeless if I didn't get help from my parents.  My student loans are killing me, they make up over 35% of my take home pay. Grant it before DH died they weren't really helping, with both our paychecks we were doing fine (his student loans were about $500 less a month than mine).  They paid for my cell phone and occasionally took $50 out of my account to pay for it when my dad remembered (he is still on my account)..  I don't like that I need help from my parents. It actually makes me feel pathetic. They can't really afford to be helping me and it makes me sick knowing they are still making sacrifices for me. I'll be turning 28 in February for reference. This didn't really help sorry lol

[Needytoo]

I agree, this is a hard one. 

 

I think my husband and I made a huge mistake raising our sons.  They got mostly what they wanted and we they honestly didn't have to do much for it.  For their own sake and my own bank account I needed to cut back but it isn't easy and I have no idea what to do.  My oldest I paid for his degree and he lives at home.  He wants to go to another university to get his masters.  He is working full time and I asked for $400/month he paid two months and is now refusing to pay.  His cell phone is still in my name and he hasn't given me a cent. At least his car insurance is in his name.  Right now I will give some time and see if he goes off to school.  If he doesn't I have no idea what to do. 

 

My youngest is in school and I am footing the bill.  He has a huge bank account but still expects me to pay for everything. 

 

Today they are going skiing and they expected me to give them money to do it.  I didn't and in their eyes I am the most selfish  bitch in the world.

 

I wish I had solution DonnaP, maybe klim's solution is the best.

[tybec]

My parents did the same as Klim.  In fact, I am the caregiver for my mother and I know in her lock box there are the papers of what she loaned out which will be subtracted from any inheritance.  There were four of us, so they couldn't do a whole lot, so safe cars, broken heating unit, etc.  not day to day bills. 

 

That being said, time is different now.  My parents didn't have all these on going bills extra we have.  Cell phones, car payments, wifi, computers needed for employment.  Hard stuff.  Have to find balance somehow.  I do have a problem when a kid thinks they deserve exactly what I have in their 20s and I worked 20 plus yrs. for it.  I see colleagues helping their adult kids to have similar life styles. Wth?  How does that make sense?  But they do it.  Good luck.  Find some ways to set clear boundaries or they will keep expecting it.

 

Single mom friend paid so much for her only child, he got angry she cut him off last yr. from phone bill and car insurance.  Mind you, he is a dentist, and at 29 yrs. old is making over $100,000 first job.  Bought him an Audi and travels extensively,  just started building house.  Entitled to the Max.  Ughhhhh.......

[tybec]

P.S.

 

Most financial experts would tell you to buy a card with the cash you have, not make car payments.  Dave Ramsey, etc.  I see kids driving nicer cars than mine, my niece included.  Functional car that is safe that can be paid for.  Good luck.

[DonnaP]

Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I don't know if there is a right way to handle this. I think it just depends on the people involved and the circumstances. I try to put myself in his position, and I am pretty certain my parents would have helped me the way I am considering helping him. In fact, thanks to the generosity of my parents, I had no student loans to deal with at all. They foot the entire bill for my college education. I'm not going to take on a car loan for him. I can use my home equity credit line to finance a used car ($11,000 for a 2013 Nissan Sentra with 29,000 miles on it - which I think is a pretty good deal). Then, I can just set up monthly payments for him to pay me back the money. It will take a while. He isn't making a large salary, so I don't want to overtax him. I also want him to be saving some of his money, and not spending the entire paycheck. I just hope it does not become an issue down the road...

[mmg19]

I like your plan with low interest payback.  Only a parent is privy to to all the circumstances and their own financial ability to help.  My parents paid for my undergrad degree and it was a sacrifice for them and greatly appreciated by me.  So many young adults today expect to have the house,car, and material things their parents worked 30 years to obtain. 

 

Needs and circumstances are not the same for all siblings.  Being accountable for reaching financial security is the one constant in our children's lives. 

[serpico]

That being said, time is different now.  My parents didn't have all these on going bills extra we have.

 

I'm not sure times have really changed that much with regard to essential bills.  It's just that now a lot more things are considered essential.

[Sugarbell]

P.S.

 

Most financial experts would tell you to buy a card with the cash you have, not make car payments.  Dave Ramsey, etc.  I see kids driving nicer cars than mine, my niece included.  Functional car that is safe that can be paid for.  Good luck.

 

Yep.

 

When I graduated college and got my first place at 22..I couldn't afford a hefty car payment. My folks are financially secure..certainly not wealthy but frugal savers. They gave me a used civic they had and I paid them 100 -a month as a car Payment (it was already paid off). So yes they helped me with the understanding that I paid them monthly until the value of the car was paid off.  They have never given us money for extra frivolous things. Very old school no debt type of people.

 

Even now..when we moved after selling our house I was able to pay cash for a smaller home for the kids and I.  However my previous home needed about 15K to get ready to sell.  They fronted me the money. Instead of getting a loan they insisted I just pay them back monthly. So even though I don't have a mortgage I pay my folks 500 a month for several years (and I am 45 years old)

 

So I agree circumstances have a lot to do with situations such as this.  My folks just are "no debt/bank loan" people and choose to "help" when they can internally. But they also know I am good on paying them back. They would never front my for my brother.

 

But it's always been for true essentials...nothing frivolous. They are very frugal.

[Guest oneoftwo]

Hi Donna

I'm sort of dealing with this too. I fall back on what my parents did- the one time I asked for help, they did. And once in a rare while they'd gift us some cash.

I'm trying to get used to the idea that my kids are becoming grown ups and they are responsible for their finances- heck, I was at their age. So it is a learning thing for me, to draw back and let them sink or swim. We know that ultimately will be the best lesson for them, right?

I did give one kid a small check to get him through grad school with no loans- I told him I didn't want to know how he spent it, but that I did expect it to be paid back within a reasonable time frame.

He's responsible and it wont be a problem.

It's hard, and I do think being alone, without their Dad beside me saying "oh, let them tough it out" I probably am more willing to help them.

But it's OK to let them become adults - and I know for sure that the times we were skint were some of our best times - you become resourceful and inventive!