How do you make yourself happy?

[still_lost]

It's been seven years since my husband died, and I've struggled with a lot of things. The biggest issue that I'm having is finding what makes me happy. I sat down the other day and really asked myself this question. The past seven years have been me working and providing for my child, but I can't say that I've done much in the way of fun. I know that I need to relax more and stop stressing about things that I cannot control. That only makes matters worse. I was in a relationship for a couple of years, and I guess I believed that I needed a man to make me happy. Thinking that is what probably made me hold onto the relationship for as long as I did. This along with the fear that maybe he was my only chance at happiness again. Today I realized that things need to change, and I am the only one who can make these changes.

 

With all of that being said, what have you all done to make yourselves happy. There is nothing wrong with a relationship, don't get me wrong, but there are many of us who haven't found the right one just yet. What do you do on a regular basis to fill yourself up?

[Portside]

 

With all of that being said, what have you all done to make yourselves happy. . . . .  What do you do on a regular basis to fill yourself up?

 

 

After my late wife died, my priest asked me "What do you want to do now?" I had no idea. After years of devoting my time and energies to my ill wife, I had put aside all thoughts of what I needed for myself.

 

I'm a happy guy by nature but I did feel the lack of fun right after I was widowed. To fill that hole, I tried all sorts of new activities and groups to see what thought might be fun. I tried anything that was suggested to me - rowing, golf, dance lessons, lectures, rugby, weightlifting, painting classes, plays, etc., etc., etc. I did most of these things alone which was hard at first but eventually became my standard procedure.

 

Lots and lots of false starts or only one visit to a particular event as it just wasn't for me. But, after a time, I found some things that were fun and a nice diversion from the grind of work and caring for the kids.

 

Just try anything that strikes your fancy.

 

Good luck - Mike

 

 

 

 

 

 

[daysofelijah]

I had to get into some counseling to see that being happy was even a remote possibility for me. I had this mindset that my life would be lonely drudgery for the next 15 years at least until my kids were raised. The counseling combined with some great antidepressants made me see that I was worthwhile and deserve a little happiness.

 

I worked hard on me, lost 60 lbs., finished the license I had been working on before dh got sick, and yes put myself out there and started dating. I don't have any social hobbies, and I don't really have any friends to speak of, so I don't have that to find happiness, those things just give me anxiety. I love just sitting home and doing genealogy and learning stuff on my own. Maybe someday when I have more time I will try harder to step out of my social anxiety, but I've found some happiness in where I am now. And I'm good with it.

 

Also I know in my heart thought that I am fine alone now. I will survive and even do well. I'm strong and deserve to be happy. NG adds to my happiness, but I know I don't NEED him. If he and I don't work, someone else will come along or I'll have a good time on my own, lol. But yeah I understand how feeling like you need a significant other makes it hard to be happy.

 

I also find keeping busy makes it easier to stay happy and not dwell on my anxieties.

[Missmybecky]

I have tried many things in the past few years, some healthy, some not, but the one thing that has stuck with me and really made me feel happier is being grateful. There is a thing called the GLAD technique and I started doing this every day about a year ago and it has made a huge difference for me and it has become a lifelong habit. You can read about it here: http://mindfulnessexercises.com/g-l-d-technique/

But essentially everyday you think about one Gratitude, one new thing you Learned, one thing you Accomplished, and one thing that gave you Delight. I hope it helps you!

[Eddienhp]

This time of year isn't my best. I struggle to get through the holidays and its cruch time at work. However, there are two things that have brought me absolute joy; a feeling I never expected to feel again. I was resigned to raise my children on my own and make the best out of it. One was I started a social skills group for kids with disabilities. As it grew, I became aware I was smiling more, laughing and even joking. I realized I was happy once again. A few months went by. One of the participant's told me she loved coming because she felt accepted and safe. That's when I realized I met my goal; to provide a safe and supportive environment for young people to flourish. The other thing that brings me a lot of joy is wearing the snowman suit we bought for our fundraiser. I have been asked to march with the girl scouts, attend breakfast with Santa, sell cookies, even Halloween. Seeing the excitement on children's faces is absolutely priceless! Their joy is contagious so naturally I am affected. My point being, you might want to consider volunteering if you have the time. You will get contentment and happiness in helping those who are in need.

 

There are always library classes, paint nights, meetups, town sponsored activities, etc you could try too. Before you know it you will have plenty to do and a network of people to spend time with.

 

On a daily basis, take a few minutes here and there to enjoy a cup of coffee, sit outside, watch a movie/show, or hobby. Puzzles are good because when its completed it gives a sense of accomplishment. Believe it or not, I truly enjoy my cup of coffee in the morning. Its the 10 minutes of peace I get to start my day.

 

Hope you find what works for you!

 

[imissdow]

Just before my LH died I signed up for a dance class. 5 years later I still do it. I'm still not very good but it's fun and gets me out of the house. I now also take kickboxing/boxing and I really enjoy that also. I tried theater thinking I would like that, umm no. I tried getting involved with my kids activies, found out I didn't like that. So I go to the gym and run. I think I'm trying quilting again this winter. I need something to do in the evenings when the kids are in bed . knitting, crochet or tying things in knots  is just not my thing.

[SemperFidelis]

I am still learning this myself.

 

I had minimal time for myself when DH was alive....although I had managed some level of self care in the last three months or so of his life. Now those activities no longer satisfy me.  So I am figuring it all out.....  I do a lot of reading now, which I did a lot of before I ever met LH.

 

I simply enjoy the company of my dogs....

 

I recently started using a punching/kicking bag at home and I really enjoy that.

 

But more than anything, I have gotten some happiness from fixing the things inside of me that I didn't have the motivation to address when LH was alive. I am bettering myself; and that's the most I can really ask for.

[Mizpah]

For me, happiness is often about simplifying.  Recognizing we are creatures.  So I tried to give attention to basics - ate healthy and was very physically active (endorphins!).  I tried to get sunshine and outdoor time.  I tried to let dust settle and not rely on distraction - found calm, by doing things like sitting on a park bench alone looking at the sky or the river.  But balanced it with stuff like reading and seeing friends.  I had a routine/infrastructure that brought me around people (weekly attendance at synagogue, took a class, went to lectures, went to classes at the gym).  I went to therapy weekly.  I did what I wanted to do, even if I had no one to do it with (including traveling to Europe and the Middle East - and this was how I fully came alive again).  I tried to be open to any event/interest, without bias or clinging to ideas of who I thought I was.  I think we search for "big things" to fill a missing puzzle piece, but I think it's in the little decisions and little actions. 

[Captains wife]

I hear you....I wrote a number of posts on this (goodness knows where they are) as I spent a lot of time thinking about and figuring out what would make me happy in this new life. This is especially the case as  recoupling was proving to be much more difficult that I thought. And after a long time feeling very sad and angry, I knew I wanted to be happy...but how?

 

So I watched a number of documentaries on "being happy" and read that book "The Happiness Project".

 

Then I made a list of what I wanted to do with my life to make me happy and I started working on it. I thought about what I wanted out of life and the things that would give me short term vs long term happiness. I thought about what was making me unhappy and how I could change that. I also came to the realization that I was never going to be happy all the time (and I don't think that's possible actually) so if I had "down days" that was ok.

 

Here are some of things I did for myself that might help steer you in the right direction.

 

1) I wanted to feel better so I started exercising regularly (endorphins!) and changed my diet including really cutting back on drinking alcohol. (just a glass or two of wine here and there)

 

2) I cut my work hours and scheduled more work at home days to spend more time with my son but also to make sure I have my own time.

 

3) I sought out new social circles to find like minded people and to indulge in some of favorite hobbies. For example, I sail in an all women's program, I joined a "Power of Women" group (i.e. a social group for women who had been through big life events) and I joined some wine groups as I wanted to learn more about wine. Its tough to do and it took me a while to rebuild my social network but it was worth it. Some social connections didn't work and I just accepted that and worked on the ones that I enjoyed.

 

4) I allow myself downtime from my exhausting life. For example, if I feel really tired by the weekend my son and I have our "lazy day". PJs for much of the day, allowed to watch movies, read, play games and eat in front of the tv.

 

5) I cut ties (or at least lessened interaction) with people who had been actively in my life who were upsetting me (i.e. toxic ex who wanted to be friends) and I made more effort to be in contact with people Im close to and who I want in my life.

 

6) I started doing more charity work (I deliver meals on Thanksgiving, I'm the Treasurer for a local club, I give small donations to charities) . It felt good to do things for others.

 

7) I found ways to bond more with my young son - including doing more outings/adventures with just the 2 of us. I used to look longingly at two parent families everywhere we went but now I am just focused on how much fun my son and I are having.

 

8) I do pamper myself on occasion - spa, some retail therapy, some parent downtime (ie going out with my friends)

 

Hope this provides some ideas - wishing you all the very best.