Advice needed

[still_lost]

It's been a few months now since I met the man that I'm currently dating. He's smart, funny, very kind and considerate, and we get along very well. We've spent a lot of time with each other, and I feel myself getting closer to him. I mentioned in a previous post that he is divorced with four children, only one of which lives with him, the others with his ex-wife out of state. He asked me the other day if I would ever consider moving out of state (someday). I live in the South, and after being born and raised up North, I like it here and don't see myself moving anytime soon. I realize that it is too soon to be planning a future just yet, but I cannot ignore the obvious. He asked me if I would move since his ex and children live a few states away, and he would want to be closer to them(which I totally understand). The other issue that I have is that I would like to have another child some day, since my husband and I only have one. This is something that I've thought about for many years, and I don't feel like I want to compromise on it. He has already told me that he's had a vasectomy and cannot have more children( again, I get that since he already has four). So I guess I'm wondering if I should just walk away now since there are already things that concern me about the situation. He is a good guy, I can tell, but I don't want to complicate my life all that much. I hope that doesn't sound selfish because it's not intended to be that way. I moved over 900 miles away from family to start a new life here, and it I like where we are. I just don't see myself uprooting the two of us to follow his ex-wife who is using these children as pawns to get what she wants. What happens in a few years if she decides to move somewhere else? Is he going to follow her again? I've also heard him mention that she calls him often to argue about this or that, and there was a huge argument over Christmas about one of the children who was supposed to visit him, but she changed her mind at the last minute. It just sounds like a messy situation, and one that I don't think that I could handle long term.  I really like him, and I realize that relationships sometimes require sacrifice. Down the road, I don't know how willing I would be to give up on what I want. I'm honestly thinking of remaining friends with him, but a relationship might not be for us.

[Trying]

In reading your post the thing that comes to my mind is that when we meet the right person, we happily make sacrifices to be with them.  He may be a great guy but may not be the right one and there is nothing selfish about it.  Only you can know if the relationship is worth it, if it's too soon to know then give it some more time as long as there is no immediate pressure to make a decision.

[Portside]

Do you love him?

 

Does he love you?

 

Nowhere in your post is that addressed. All the questions/issues you pose are secondary to my two questions above.

 

I think you are getting ahead of yourself here.

 

Good luck - Mike

[still_lost]

I don't think I'm getting ahead of myself by recognizing that he has a lot more going on than I am prepared to deal with. Starting with an ex-wife who (according to him) is very manipulative and uses their 4 children as pawns. He cannot have any more children, and I obviously want one in the future. That's an issue for me. My post was not meant to sound like I was ready to get married next week, just that at some point in the future I would have to compromise on some things that are important to me. I don't want to get closer to him if I know that there will be issues down the line. Four children and a spiteful ex-wife is a lot in my book.

[Virgo]

It sounds like you've already made your decision.

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

He sounds like he's nowhere near ready to sacrifice on his side. If you do, you stand to lose lose. Friends after a relationship, almost assuredly never works. Sounds like you're in two separate planes.

[SemperFidelis]

Yeah, I think your thought process is on to something....  And also, I think whenever a situation is "the one" we don't even think about the messy details. The old "where there's a will there's a way" comes into effect.

 

It sounds like you already feel like you know what needs to be done.

[still_lost]

Yeah, part of me knows that. I have seen friends and a few family members go through situations such as this one, and it always ended badly. I think this is why I look at a long term relationship with him very differently. He's a great guy, and under different circumstances I think I would be less apprehensive about being with him.

[Mrskro]

Maybe I'm cynical but I don't believe love conquers all. 

 

For me, widowhood has allowed me to take a look at what I want, whats best for me and I am definitely less flexible than when I was in my 20's. 

 

I think you've already looked at what you are willing to compromise on or not. 

 

I don't really have any advice, unfortunately this crap isn't for the faint of heart.  Good luck.

[Mizpah]

Maybe not a popular opinion, but if you want another child, this may not be something to sacrifice for someone.  Love isn't just romance and feelings.  It's also a life together, and if you can't offer each other what you want, there could be resentment or regret.  I know many women who have had to or who have chosen to give up their dreams of motherhood, or of having another child, either for a man/relationship or because of a lack of one.  It breaks my heart for them.  Also, if you know you don't want to live where he knows he wants to live, how can that work?  Love is all well and good, and I've made major sacrifices for it that I do not regret, so I'm not really one to talk, but if you know for certain it will not work, you may be saving both of you bigger heartache to come.  It's so hard to weigh things when it feels like neither option is a good one or the sacrifice for either choice is too great.  Thinking of you.

[still_lost]

I agree with you both. I feel like I've always had to put someone else's feelings and wants before my own my entire life. Losing my husband has definitely changed my perspective, and helped me to realize that I have to take better care of myself. I've run myself ragged doing for other people expecting nothing in return, and all that caused was more regret and resentment than anything. No one was there to help me in my time of need. So I can understand about putting off what I want, and then possibly resenting him in the future. I don't want to set either of us up for that. Deep down, I know what has to be done. It's just another huge let down all over again.

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

I just am not liking the "would you be willing part". If he loves you enough he'd be willing to meet you halfway. Not well where my ex and kids go. Bottom line if two people love each other enough almost anything is possible. If you want additional children this alone might cause uncertainty. Anyway best of wishes.

[still_lost]

He said his ex might move from where she is now to another state. My thing is, what happens if she meets someone or remarries and decides to move again? There's no guarantee that she will stay where she is, and the future is unpredictable. I can understand his position as a father wanting to be closer to his other three children, but I don't want to be at the mercy of his ex-wife.

[still_lost]

And yes, there is a lot of uncertainty about another child in the future. I know that I feel strongly about it, and I hoped it would've happened a lot sooner than seven years. I wasn't ready at the time, and being in my mid 30s, I know realistically that window of opportunity is closing.

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

There's uncertainty is almost every relationship, as we know too well. You're too young to be at the mercy of an ex.

[still_lost]

Exactly!

[still_lost]

Exactly!

[Sugarbell]

Did you move 900 miles away from family to be with him?  I'm confused?? --I haven't been on here much lately so if you talked about it in another post maybe I missed it.

 

4 kids and a crazy ex???

[still_lost]

Oh no! I moved here over three years ago for a fresh start. I mentioned that only to say that I've built a life here, met some people, and I'm comfortable. We've only met a few months ago. He asked if one day I would move back up North so he can be closer to his children because his ex will be moving. That has nothing to do with me. I don't want to move me and my child around, and be at the mercy of his controlling and manipulative ex wife. What happens if she meets someone, remarries and wants to move again?

[Abitlost]

SL,

 

I can't advise you on what to do but I will share my experience. I spent 4.5 years with a man who had a very dysfunctional, competitive, manipulative relationship with his ex and kids (as well as other aspects of his life). I thought I loved him and would put up with parts of it, but the relationship ended because I would not let his dysfunction affect my kids by cohabitating into his circus. Despite the pain of the relationship ending, I am so happy I stood by my resolve because it was not a lifestyle I wanted for myself or my kids. I came to realize I did not respect him or the way he conducted his life and was exceedingly relieved and exponentially better off without him. I finally saw that the games he played and/or succumbed to stemmed from deep character flaws within him.

 

I am now in a happy, healthy relationship with an emotionally-stable man who neither manipulates nor is manipulated by his ex and is fully vested in us. How refreshing!

 

abl

[Guest wecouldbeheros]

Wow does ABL's post resonate w me too. It' sometimes hard to see the manipulation at first because they hide it well. They must take a course on manipulating because they at the same time throw guilt arrows. Making it cleverly look like our fault. This more so seemed a pattern with meeting someone online. It took a few misdirected texts to find out they were playing games with other people (at the same time). And the nicer of a person you (we) are, the harder it seems to confront the BS. I found out what I had a hunch about, but maybe because of loneliness or self worth problems, I was willing for a while, to oversee. Big mistake. We've been through hell and back, and we all deserve better. Guess there's no more "like" button, looked but it seems to have disappeared.