NG's son...

[daysofelijah]

Some of you probably know NG (together 2 years now) and my relationship has had it's fair share of issues, but things have been going pretty well for the last couple months now. He's dropping more hints about "when we live together" or "when he asks me to marry him", etc. Still wary, but I've been feeling a bit better about things.

 

Now another situation has come up that is giving me pause. BF's younger son lives with him FT, he's almost 17. He has recently been found to be smoking pot, regularly over the past few weeks. And he doesn't seem to have any intention of stopping. Rationalizes that it's fine, normal, not addictive, etc. BF doesn't seem capable of doing anything about it, his ex doesn't have a huge issue with it, so no help there. BF is afraid if he tries to lay down some consequence, that the kid will quit school and move out.

 

I have impressionable young kids, my oldest is almost 14. I get that kids will experiment, etc. but this is beyond my comfort zone. I will not have my kids living with his son if this is going to be a regular thing.

 

Has anybody dealt with anything similar or have any advice? This kid has basically been spoiled by both parents over the last 6 years since their divorce because neither wants to be the bad guy. It looks like I may end up being the one who has to be the bad guy. The only solution I see right now is if this situation doesn't change, we will have to wait to get married/live together until his son graduates and moves out, which is at least two more years away. I guess that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I see him dropping out and or ending up in jail sooner than that though at this rate. He needs some rules and consequences, but I'm not the one to do it I know.

 

I guess I know what I need to do, it's just another crappy situation in trying to blend families I guess!

[Abitlost]

DOE,

 

Blending families is hard! Everybody has their own tolerances, and obviously your NG's varies significantly from yours.

 

If it were me, I would not allow drug use to touch my kids in any way, be it a regular habit or an experimental phase. It is NOT "fine"; plenty of studies conclude that marijuana use permanently diminishes function of developing brains. I would not be able to respect a parent that doesn't attempt to curb a child's drug use.

 

Good luck in navigating this...

 

abl

[daysofelijah]

Thanks for your reply abl. Yes it's very hard to have different acceptable boundaries as far as moral issues, especially when it comes to our kids. I do not want my kids to think it's okay, just because NG doesn't lay down the law with his kid. Ugh!

 

[arneal]

What is your relationship like with this young man? If you can maybe take him for coffee and have a conversation about how he's like a big brother to your younger ones and that you are concerned about them seeing what he is doing. I hear you about impressionable young ones. The fact that this young man is only 17 is problematic. I don't have a problem with marijuana in general, but not for the young unless it's for specific medicinal purposes (like a tincture) for a condition. But that's a totally different thing.

 

My point is, the bigger deal you make it, the more difficult the relationship will be for you all. Being the woman in his dad's life who is not his mother is always something of a precarious spot ... All the best!

[Trying]

Blending has so many challenges as I am learning and I think late teens into early adulthood is some of the most challenging times as a parent let alone as a step parent.  It may be easier on your relationship if you wait to blend until his son is out of high school but keep in mind that graduation doesn't always mean they move out.  Moving out doesn't always mean they stay moved either.  Do your best to not let your differences come between you while still maintaining the standards you keep for your children.  Easier said than done, I know.

[Guest TooSoon]

My situation is quite different but I guess I would not wait for that situation to be addressed until you move in together or get married.  I'm pretty open minded about marijuana, and while I believe it should be legal everywhere, it's not; it remains illegal (at least where we live) and that's not a joke.  Getting arrested for weed shouldn't but can have life altering consequences - I see it all the time with my students.  I think in this instance, you need to be very clear that you will not allow this (or any other illegal activity) in your home, full stop.  I would hate for you to enter into your future life together and have this become a wedge between you. 

 

Blending is complicated enough as it is. 

 

I feel for you.   

[kjs1989]

DOE,

 

That would not fly with me at all. I have nothing personal against marijuana either, and people can say it is swell stuff and harmless, and I am sure it is for some people, but I can tell you firsthand about the havoc it reeked on my now 22 year old son's life. He was diagnosed with Cannibinoid Hyperemesis Syndrome and was hospitalized three times along with numerous ER visits for hydration. He was near kidney failure at one point and also in metabolic acidosis at another point.  They probed every orifice on him before concluding it was CHS. Yet, he continued to smoke and subsequently puke his guts out for days  on end. I am disgusted when people say it is not addictive. My son was addicted, plain and simple. Pot came before everything else including his health.  He was flunking out of college and threatening suicide. Finally, finally, with the help of a counselor at his university we got him into a rehab program through the university. Long, long story condensed, he is finally healthy and weed free.

 

No, I would not want my 14 year old around a pothead. Just NO.

[Bunny]

While it is true that pot is not physically addictive, it is also true that pot can be very emotionally addictive. And, as someone who has struggled for most of my adult life with an emotional addiction to nicotine (whether I'm 'using' cigarettes or not), I know that emotional addiction can be a much harder thing to overcome. It's frustrating that so many potheads refuse to acknowledge this part.

 

Perhaps it's because I've always known a lot of musicians and artists- I know a lot of people who were potheads in junior high or high school. For me, I think of it as the exact same problem as kids who smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol- it's just NOT a good thing to be doing while your mind and body are still developing. And yeah- that illegal part, while it's truly a ridiculous thing, is still a reality in many places and can have negative consequences.

 

Most of those people outgrew their pot habits as they got older, but some have kept right on going. Some of those lifelong potheads have become successful upstanding citizens, and some of them are living in a friend's basement. So his kid just might turn out okay, and then again he might not. But I really don't think, at his age, his parents have much control over it. Teenagers are gonna do what they are gonna do because they are still under the delusion that they know everything they need to know. It takes time and life experience to learn that the more we know the less we really know after all.

 

So, yeah, why not just keep enjoing the fun of dating for the next two years -or however long it takes to get his kid out of the house and on his own two feet- and put the complications of the blending of families on the back burner. Enjoy the freedom of having your own space where you get to make all the rules, because once you unite the two households then it's all about the compromise.

[kjs1989]

The thought process is gradually changing on whether or not marijuana is physically addictive. Addiction disorder experts understand that it is for some people.  As most of us know, there is a fine line between what goes on with the body emotionally and physically. It is all brain related, and of course the brain is part of our physical  selves. Not everyone will will become physically dependent on marijuana, but some users will, and they will suffer withdrawal as my son indeed did. Granted, we are not talking heroin withdrawal, but it affected his life in profound ways and those around him. When he didn't smoke, he was depressed, anxious, anorexic, and angry. It was hell for him and those around him. I am talking HELL. So he would smoke, and then the symptoms of Cannibinoid Hyperemesis would gradually kick in and I would have a scary sick kid on my hands.

 

Marijuana is such a mixed bag. I am a registered nurse and I realize and understand its health benefits for certain conditions. But, I firmly believe it is not the benign substance so many people want to believe. I think there is a lot to learn yet and I hope that happens with some serious research.

 

So, DOE, as others have said, enjoy the next couple of years and wait until NG's son is on his own. No one will ever smoke pot in my house again.

[daysofelijah]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I know very well the damage that it can do. I have 3 uncles that smoke pot regularly and none of them are very successful in their lives. I don't need to go into details, but divorce, affairs, mental breakdowns and committal are all part of their lives. So though I know it can have benefits to those who medically use it, it's not something I would condone for recreational use.

 

Problems keep coming up with this kid. He is failing 10th grade and he's currently not speaking to his mom over petty issues, so NG is in the middle of trying to negotiate between his son and his x. Which I told him today is not his job, he is not helping at all by being the middle man. It's just getting ridiculous. I honestly kind of like the kid too, I feel bad for his situation, but he can't bring this into my home.

 

More and more waiting the two years out is looking to be the only option for us to have a successful family blending experience. Which in reality would probably be the best decision for everyone. We will see how things continue!

[Trying]

I would just caution you with your expectations about him being out of the house when he graduates high school. I have an 18 year old and a 20 year old. The 20 year old is only out of the house because I forced him out after some bad behavior. Forcing him out was the best for everyone but was also one of the hardest things I've had to do and took me a while. He is the only one of his peers on his own. Even the ones away at college are home for a month at Christmas and over 3 months in the summer. That's a good chunk of the year.

[daysofelijah]

You are absolutely right Trying. He has an older son (20) that stays with him a few days a week. When we were talking about moving in together he wanted to know if he was going to have to share a bedroom, lol. NG said he wasn't figuring him in to the equation. (Totally surprised me that he told him that). His son was a little surprised and mad to hear that I think, because since then he started living almost full time at the mom's house.

 

Sooo many variables with all these kids!

 

 

[jgib]

Often resorting to over use of drugs and alcohol is a symptom of something else.

 

To me this is a clash of values and morals.  Things to be aware of in a relationship.  If you are not in a rush to move in, my opinion is that it would be good to wait this out.  You have your children as your responsibility, that is the most important thing I think.