What I've realized....

[still_lost]

Since my last relationship, I've come to realize that I'm not as open to certain things when it comes to a relationship. The last guy I dated was divorced with 4 children, all under 18. He was a great guy, good father, and great with my only son. He was willing to move a lot faster than I was prepared to go. He was talking about marriage in the future, etc, etc. We weren't even close to that for a number of reasons, but even considering that life made me pause. I didn't like the thought of having to open my home up to 3 other little children (his oldest lives with him), every summer. He still had issues with the ex-wife that should have been resolved ages ago. I didn't want to be in the middle of that. I mentioned his oldest son being disrespectful and doing things that I didn't like. Then he mentioned that if we ever lived together my son could share a room with his younger son, then the girls would have to have a room together for visits, etc... I didn't want to appear selfish, but I realized that I'm not willing to alter my life all that much. Does that sound crazy?? I know it says more about me than it does about him, but he had a lot going on. I know that there are some widows, and single women in general who will not date a man with small children, and there's definitely good reason for it. I was thinking on the situation today, and it just made me realize that I can choose who I want to have in our lives. I have grown to like it being just the two of us here in our house. I've had to go through a lot of growing pains, but in almost eight years, I've found what works for us. I'm trying to get used to the fact that I may not get married again, or have anymore biological children, and that is okay.

[klim]

Young children obviously add a certain complexity but I'm having a little of the same feelings....that  i don't want to share all of my life but  I want to be part of a couple. Some times I just want to live apart and yet to be his(NG"s) girl forever....so that there is a future but that life as it is now is not too disrupted.

[Sugarbell]

Doesn't sound selfish at all to me....it sounds very wise.

 

You know what you and your son can handle-Sounds to me like you are happy with yourself and know what you and your son deserve. Kudos to you!!

[fairlanegirl]

Young children obviously add a certain complexity but I'm having a little of the same feelings....that  i don't want to share all of my life but  I want to be part of a couple. Some times I just want to live apart and yet to be his(NG"s) girl forever....so that there is a future but that life as it is now is not too disrupted.

This is what I've had for five years and probably for the next several too, and it works fine for us. Will probably marry one day, as he never has been, but logistically and emotionally, I don't need it right now, and he is happy with that too. We love each other, and that is enough. Actually the odd friend has said they wouldn't mind a bloke who is only around 2-3 nights a week! As time goes on i find I am stronger too and feeling less like rushing into cohabiting. There are many ways to have a relationship, aren't there?

[trying2breathe]

"Actually the odd friend has said they wouldn't mind a bloke who is only around 2-3 nights a week! As time goes on i find I am stronger too and feeling less like rushing into cohabiting. There are many ways to have a relationship, aren't there?"

 

 

from fairlanegirl  ^^^ this

 

 

A bloke who is around for 2-3 nights a week, perfect!  I hope to have this someday 

[still_lost]

I guess it's a good thing that I'm learning more about myself. I feel like I've shouldered so much in the past soon to be 8 years. Opening my home to 4 kids, two of them teenagers, then his drama with the ex-wife would've been more than I bargained for. My point being that I don't want to alter my life all that much. I guess that's very telling when it comes to my future, but I'm still recovering from losing the life that I loved with my husband.

[Guest nonesuch]

It doesn't sound unusual at all. 

 

I remember (a third of a lifetime ago) when I became more confident about saying no to things.  I was about 35 or 40, and many of my female friends were having the same reactions or feelings.  Widowhood may accelerate the process somewhat.  Women, more than men, I think are still socialized to be agreeable or to compromise.  At some point though, you start to think/feel "No, I don't want to do this, and I don't have to, either. And I'm not going to."  Most of us have the socialization to avoid saying, "So, there."

 

 

[Mizpah]

I think it's very smart and mature to know what you do and do not want your life to be - and what you want for your children/family.  Not to be cynical and ugly, but the love between two people is only part of a relationship.  The life you can build together is a big factor.  I got involved in my current relationship with some naivete/inexperience in issues like this, and while I don't regret it, it can be difficult and full of stress and strain.  I know that if we part ways, there are things that will be dealbreakers in the future, no matter how much love there could be.   

[Captains wife]

Its good to know what you want and what you can accept - and to be honest with yourself about it. I always thought it would be good to date either a widower or a divorced man with young children (who had kids later in life) as that is where I am in life. HOWEVER, now I am dating someone who is divorced with young children, I am finding I really don't like being a 3rd wheel in the relationship behind the ex-wife (given they co-parent - and they have a tenuous relationship)...I have less of a problem with sharing my life/home with others' young children (although that dynamic too creates stresses). I have gotten so used to being on my own with my son in our own living space (5 years now), the thought of expanding this is scary to me. I've discovered its a trade-off - I've met a wonderful man in a somewhat similar position in life but Id have to live life on his terms if this is to keep going (i.e. his child schedule, dealing with his ex, would have to move his way if we co-habituated/got married). It took so long to re-establish my life, Im just trying to work out if I am up for this. I feel like I am being selfish by thinking this way but I have also accepted that I feel what I feel. So I either adapt or move on...and I'm not sure yet. I agree with a lot of Mizpah's comments above re: it is more than just love in being in a relationship.

[daysofelijah]

I want to run away from my 4 children most days, lol. So taking on someone else's young kids would just wear me out. NG had talked about wanting to try for a baby together, I was like WTH?, I am 41 years old, and already have 4 kids, you are barking up the wrong tree if you want that. It was really just a pipe dream though, a fantasy I guess.

 

I know I could not deal with a guy with young kids and an ex in our life for years and years. NG's youngest has two more years in school and the more we get into talking about it, the more I want to wait until he graduates to move this forward to much more than just weekday evenings and weekend sleepovers together. I'm not patient enough with my own kids, I don't see myself being patient too long with his teen's attitude.

 

Good for you for recognizing what makes you happy and comfortable and not giving that up.

[Love2fish]

I am almost jealous of widows who can be so clear about what they can accept and what they can’t.  Widower here.

 

I entered the dating world right away. I made the conscious decision to find my last love before I got comfortable living alone.  I did not want to develop a list of requirements for the new relationship.  I figured I was going to re-couiple anyway so why adapt to life alone and then re-adapt to cohabiting?

 

So how did that work out for me?

 

LOL  ;D

 

Here I am 4 1/2 years later with 141 meet & greets under my belt (no i did not mean it like that, get your mind out of the gutter).  Things are working very well with #141 so I don’t think there will be a #142.  This lady fills the bill on the long list of qualifications i’ve now developed and the chemistry is great.  There are many ways to find a relationship,  and as many ways to have a relationship, aren't there?

[kjs1989]

I think you are being very wise, indeed. It is OK to just love each other and see where things go. If you think you have any doubts at all,  I would hold off. Eventually you may find you are ready. Time works in our favor that way. We have been through so much, why risk complicating our lives further?

 

I am in a similar situation. If I wanted to get married tomorrow NG would jump on it. I am not ready to share my  life and house with his "stuff" yet. He owns his own home, but he knows I am never leaving my beautiful home and neighborhood. He is ok with that.

 

And yeah, if we were to live together it would mean his 16 year old son moves in with us part-time, And more "stuff" from a bitter exwife who surprised him with divorce papers  while he was on a golf outing  nine years ago, but still attempts to insert  herself into his life at every opportunity.

 

UGH.

 

Nope, not yet.  My life is has enough ups and downs. I know my limits.

 

Bless those widows and widowers out there who have it all together and figured out. I hope I get there at some point. It has almost been five years.