Radio Hell - Ninth Level

[Michael797]

We're back with more bitching. And bitching about bitching. And bitching about that.

 

That's pretty much the inherent problem with anger; it's the most flammable of the emotions. It burns up all your oxygen and just sorta leaves you with a fuse that pathetically fizzles out.

 

And when it's all just a smoldering pile of shit, you're right back where you started - with nothing but that searing pain and those horrible flashbacks.

 

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross - nothing against her personally. I do have to laugh that when you google her name, you get results about how she had second thoughts about the whole five stages thing SHORTLY BEFORE HER DEATH. Wonder which ones she questioned....

 

Ask any widow - they would tell you that she missed about sixty-seven more stages. What about paralysis? Despair? Loss of meaning? Disorientation? Aversion to sunlight? Jealousy of other, happier people? Thoughts of suicide? You could say the same thing about meth, but at least the effect from meth is temporary.

 

Ah, but I've been here before, and I know this ride's just beginning. Gonna need to do some serious venting somewhere....

 

Um, oh. Sorry, do carry on.

 

[Michael797]

Today's Horoscope: Pisces

 

"Your day may include a bit of friction, Pisces. You may encounter rude people and frustrating situations. Your day may not go according to plan. Even so, you need to summon your inner warrior in a peaceful way, and react with patience, understanding, tolerance, and compassion. If you do, your day will be much better than it might be otherwise. And it will also pave the way for a sweeter tomorrow. In fact, the reactions you choose today can have a powerful impact on all of your days ahead."

 

LOL! Now that's funny. If there was ever advice that required ripping to shreds, there it is. Let's begin!

 

All day long, people have been texting me with that mind-numbing question, "How are you doing?"

 

Let's see: my son, my reason for living whatever life I had, is a pile of ashes sitting on his mother's mantle. I'm going through storage piling up all the things that he won't inherit. The trees are all weird, ugly colors, there's no point to anything anymore, and there's no way to get any of it back.

 

Of course, all that crap won't fit in a text box, so they're eating static today. Not replying to any of it is about as patient as it's going to get for a VERY LONG TIME.

 

I sure hope tomorrow's horoscope says "You're going to die today and see your son again."

 

How about a little compassion for the bereaved for a change, huh? How about a day where I don't have to lie to or console anyone else? Just one day, maybe?

 

Doesn't work that way, does it? Nope, folks still need to have the old dancing monkey that they thought they knew and loved. Shame he died 2 1/2 weeks ago, too. And, like his son, he's not coming back again ever. We place too much attachment on the body when the only thing worth shit is what's inside. Maybe all of my "friends" can just get together and rip my body apart looking for the other guy. It has the virtue of being a different way to go.

 

Somehow I think they'll be getting static for breakfast tomorrow as well. RH, O&O.

 

[Mizpah]

I'm so sorry, Michael.  Bearing the unbearable.  There are no words.  I'm thinking of you, for whatever it's worth, and I know right now: not much. 

[Jen]

.

[Lisa]

Such agony. I'm sorry Michael.

[Guest oneoftwo]

Michael797-

your posts are some of the hardest and most cathartic I've ever read.

You have "the gift of the gab", and it is helping alot of us.

I hope it is also helping you.

 

[MissingSquish]

There is nothing much I can say here aside from fuck everything.

[Michael797]

There is nothing much I can say here aside from fuck everything.

 

Funny you should say that. I spent last night reading all 25 pages of the "Fuck You" thread. I found it both heart-ripping and inspiring. Here's my list, kept a safe distance from people who actually care about recovering:

 

1. Fuck today being three weeks and that’s roughly the number of people who still give a fuck that my son is dead.

 

2. A FUCK of biblical proportions to the fact that he died alone at 4 in the morning.

 

3. Fuck funeral parlors and all their theatrical bullshit.

 

4. Fuck the afterlife and all the pointless, stupid, unanswered questions like “If your baby dies, will it still be a baby in Heaven?”

 

5. Fuck all religions. There are as many churches as there are Chinese restaurants, and every fucking one of them pushes a different god with different rules of who’s worthy and who’s not. Fuck their propaganda and may they vomit into their collection plates.

 

6. Fuck any minister who owns more than one suit.

 

7. Fuck FAITH. What’s there to have faith in?

 

8. Fuck that man has made god in his image instead of the other way around.

 

9. Fuck the Westboro Baptist Church for all eternity for claiming that they’re doing god’s work when all they do is show up at funerals and sue anyone who denies their “free speech.” Fuck those monsters.

 

10. Fuck being liberal – where did that get me? My son was more liberal than I was and he’s dead.

 

11. Fuck-directly-to-hell anyone who would think that my son deserved to die because he actually wanted to care about people and make sure they were educated and fed.

 

12. Fuck our baboon-in-chief for being the most repulsive, psychotic, ignorant man-child on earth. Fuck anyone who believed his lies just because they wanted some population to be exterminated. Fuck anyone who called him a “successful businessman” even though there isn’t a financial institution in America who would do business with him. Fuck that he’s NEVER EVER suffered. Fuck him for not giving even the most remote of fucks for another single human life. Fuck him and his worshippers. Fuck them forever.

 

13. Fuck Democrats for not having any sense of direction. How hard could it be to run on a platform of feeding and educating people? Fuck them for fucking it up.

 

14. FUCK AYN RAND and her “survival of the fittest” bullshit. Fuck anyone who thinks that’s a good idea.

 

15. Fuck anyone who thinks being ignorant is a career choice. Fuck people who think intelligence is a deformity.

 

16. Fuck being sixty and worthless. I’m an old white guy – where’s that getting me? I’m excluded from every club.

 

17. Fuck money! Fuck not being able to even afford going to a homeless shelter.

 

18. Fuck all of the stuff that I saved of his over the years. Fuck that none of it will ever mean anything again.

 

19. Fuck my family. Fuck my sisters for waiting around for my mother to die just for a couple of bucks. And fuck my mother for enjoying trying to destroy what’s left of me with the dementia-riddled venom that spews from her mouth whenever I see her.

 

20. Fuck having nothing to care about anymore.

 

21. Fuck all the agonizing hours I spent wondering if my son would even survive on this shithole of a planet. Fuck that there are worse things than death in America now.

 

22. Fuck that nothing brings me pleasure anymore. Fuck that life has lost all its meaning.

 

23. Fuck people who don’t “get” death. Fuck people who run from it. Fuck people who think two weeks is enough. Fuck happiness – it’s a dream, people!

 

24. Fuck that people we love are dying and we’re not allowed to know where they went. That’s the stupidest thing ever!

 

25. A big fat MEGA-FUCK to anyone who claims to see what’s going on “behind the veil” and will tell you for a dollar. FUCK ANYONE who would exploit the bereaved. That is a Trump-level bunch of sick shit.

 

Well, that felt truly horrible - guess it worked.

 

[Michael797]

While we're trying to sort out the meaning of life, here's another blast from the past. Originally dated 11/25/14:

 

The Top 10 Perks of Being Newly Widowed

 

10. ‘Bagos!

 

9. When someone tells you to “get over it” or “toughen up,” you can look them right in the eye and say “Yeah, that’ll work!

 

8. You now have so many pillows that the cats are inviting their friends over for parties.

 

7. You follow more TV shows than the FCC.

 

6. You can have all the pizza and ice cream you want – and you don’t have to clean up afterwards.

 

5. You can watch the look of horror come over people’s faces when you tell them.

 

4. Laundry day is only once a month.

 

3. You're allowed to chalk damn near anything up to "widow brain."

 

2. You can choose a screen name for the board like “TheSunWillNeverEverEverShineAgainInABillionYears.”

 

1. When it happens to someone else, you’ll know exactly what to say to them.

 

Happy Holidays from Radio Hell – dousing your fires and raining on your parades since 2014.

[Michael797]

Another, dated 12/07/14. What will YOU do about the holidays? Best to plan ahead.

 

Radio Hell is back with the first of our oh-so-extra-special transmissions for the impending holidays.

 

As you know, it’s been our long-standing policy to discourage folks from coming here; yet those of you who have nothing left to lose still somehow wind up taking that left turn at Albuquerque and landing smack-dab in the center of our frying pan like a flapjack.

 

In the interest of simple human decency, we’re going to try yet again to keep you from ever wanting to come back. In our latest attempt, we take on PSYCHICS.

 

(Yep, the exit’s just up there in the upper-left corner. Thank you for leaving.)

 

Cable channels are packed with shows hosted by people claiming to have exclusive insight into the great beyond. We’ve had everything from Ghost Hunters to the Long Island Medium conveniently delivered into our homes. All of these gifted beings immodestly brag that they can provide the secrets of the afterlife within 42 minutes (with time out for commercials). Yes, it would appear that spirits will pose for pictures and provide sound bites.

 

What are we meant to know about the afterlife? Is it truly possible to punch a hole through the veil to see the other side? Will there be a McDonald’s there?

 

Radio Hell presents – with no joy whatsoever - The Top 10 Things a Psychic Will Say to the Bereaved.

 

10. I completely understand how you’re feeling. I’m here to help you.

 

9. Yes, I accept MasterCard. I also give discounts for cash.

 

8. I sense you’re…. distressed about something.

 

7. All the others are frauds; I’m the only real one out there who can actually communicate with the departed.

 

6. I do parties and group events.

 

5. Your husband’s name was Bob…. No, Jim…. No, David…. Yes, David.

5A. Yes, of course his name was Milton – but he liked to be called David.

 

4. Perhaps you saw me on Joan Rivers or Jerry Springer.

 

3. Sessions with me make great gifts.

 

2. I need you to be completely open to the experience. If you have any skepticism, we will achieve nothing here today.

 

1. All I need is your full name and birthdate. Yes, I need the year in order to fine-tune the spirits.

 

Special Bonus Item:

1A. For another $50, I can tell you even more.

 

Special Note: At least half of the items above came from websites of actual psychics – including #1. Radio Hell, as always, is truly sorry for your loss; we only ask that you please grieve responsibly.

 

See you next time.

[Michael797]

Some bumper stickers from 2015. I still like 7, 7a, 11, & 12.

 

1. Red, bled, and dead – nobody rides free.

 

2. My other car is a Hearse.

 

3. If you can read this, you’re about to meet my spouse.

 

4. This vehicle stops at all widowbagos.

 

5. Warning: driver has widow brain

 

6. 10-4, dead buddy.

 

7. You have NO idea how fucking lucky you are.

 

7a. Try raising three honor students by yourself!

 

8. My baby’s in Heaven, but I went to Hell

 

9. I brake for hysterical sobbing.

 

10. Heaven took back the angel it was missing.

 

11. I have no idea where I’m going.

 

12. Happy people suck.

 

Bonus stickers:

 

13. Follow me – to my therapy session.

 

14. I went through all the grief stages seven times before the first traffic light.

 

15. This car stereo’s tuned to Radio Hell (shameless promotion)

 

16. Another morning of mourning.

 

17. It’s a widow thing – be grateful you don’t understand.

 

[adp]

Michael took Radio Hell on the road yesterday. Thanks for coming over, it was good to see you.

[Michael797]

Michael took Radio Hell on the road yesterday. Thanks for coming over, it was good to see you.

 

For nearly three years now, I've been wishing there was some sort of "halfway house" where wids and other bereaved folks could just be with each other in a safe space until they got their shit together. You've provided the missing piece of the puzzle - your place would be perfect! How soon can all 1,400 of us move in?

 

PS: You might want to run this by TS first.

 

PSS: Truly grateful for your time yesterday, adp. Thank you.

[Michael797]

For Monique and anyone else who's listening. Cobbled together from bits first posted January of 2015:

 

1. Here’s the problem. You were intending on spending the rest of your life with this person because he or she taught you what love really is; love works best when it’s being transferred back and forth between two people. It’s that constant flow from one to the other that builds up that energy, that euphoria. And you think that now that you’ve found that person to give and receive all of that love with, you’re going to be able to feel that bliss forever and ever and ever….

 

And then suddenly the other person’s gone. And now you have this huge backup of love that you’ve been collecting and growing… and suddenly you have absolutely nowhere to go with it.

 

And you’re feeling actual physical and emotional pain because it’s so built up inside of you. If you could only, somehow, someway, release some of it - even just a tiny bit of it….

 

2. Looking back on those posts from MY perspective, they look like someone was just emptying out the cerebral garbage. It's a mental exhaust pipe spewing out monoxide. It has to get dumped somewhere or it will just pile up. But none of it is changing anything; it's not making me feel better.

 

And that right there is the entire problem.

 

It's not the head that's going to pull me through this.

 

It's the heart.

 

To me, love - understanding - healing - that stuff doesn't happen in a vacuum. It has to be circulated. It cannot simply arise from nothing or just lay there; it has to be spread.

 

So every time someone comes forth and simply says "I get it," or "Thank you," it's like they're taking a teeny piece of their heart - their compassion - and gently handing it over.

 

And then, of course, I immediately go scrambling. "Wait, wait... I know I have a piece left for you, too! Here!"

 

And then I feel better.

 

It's not the head, it's the heart.

 

The transmissions will continue until morale improves, so to speak.

 

But it takes a village to raise an idiot - and THIS idiot is gonna need as much help as he can get.

 

Your replies mean very much to me - and I hope you know why now. Thank you.

 

[Michael797]

What the hell, one more. From January 2015 - and this one's interactive!

 

Ten Things You Can Say to Someone Who Thinks You're Spending too Damned Much Time on the Widda Board:

 

1. I’m doing my best to work through the grief – why don’t you work on sympathy?

 

2. There’s nearly 1,500 of us here; do you really want to piss that many people off?

 

3. At least on the board, people actually LISTEN.

 

4. If you have any ideas on how to beat death, now’s a good time.

 

5. You’re right – let’s sit around and listen to love songs.

 

6. Ever wonder what it’s like to drown while other people are swimming circles around you? My life is kinda like that.

 

7. I think things are going to be about ME for a while; does that not fit in your agenda?

 

8. At least I’m not as bad as that guy on the Radio Hell thread.

 

9. No matter what time limit you set, I’m going to need to extend it.

 

10. Here’s a quiz; why don’t you watch me take it?

 

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/grief-quiz.htm

Maybe we should post our scores like those mattress commercials do. I got a 66.

 

[adp]

Michael took Radio Hell on the road yesterday. Thanks for coming over, it was good to see you.

 

For nearly three years now, I've been wishing there was some sort of "halfway house" where wids and other bereaved folks could just be with each other in a safe space until they got their shit together. You've provided the missing piece of the puzzle - your place would be perfect! How soon can all 1,400 of us move in?

 

PS: You might want to run this by TS first.

 

Maybe I should just go ahead and do this while she's out of the country?

[Guest TooSoon]

Michael took Radio Hell on the road yesterday. Thanks for coming over, it was good to see you.

 

For nearly three years now, I've been wishing there was some sort of "halfway house" where wids and other bereaved folks could just be with each other in a safe space until they got their shit together. You've provided the missing piece of the puzzle - your place would be perfect! How soon can all 1,400 of us move in?

 

PS: You might want to run this by TS first.

 

Maybe I should just go ahead and do this while she's out of the country?

 

Have you experienced our basement yet?!?!?!  I'll expect you all to be there in the "widow cave" when I get back.

[Michael797]

Um... shit, our cover's blown.

 

Just think of it, TS - what could say "Welcome home!" quite like a house full of pathologically grief-stricken folks playing Uno in your dining room?

 

Fine, we'll wait. It's what we do.

 

Just get home safely, ok?

[Monique]

A widow house? I'm in! Sounds like exactly what I need right now.

 

And I got a 53.

[BrokenHeart2]

Me too!! Thanks TS and adp!  When can we all arrive?

 

[Newgirl]

40!!! Oh wait, that's not supposed to be a good grade...

[Jen]

54. And my therapist says I'm doing better.

 

Hell: the gift that keeps giving. FML. I don't guess I can get a bunk in the halfway house?

[Guest TooSoon]

We might have the world's grooviest 1967 basement and it is definitely not being used up to its full potential.  Hey, its not our own oft-discussed widows' island but for starters, it has patterned carpet, a padded vinyl bar, a fireplace and Art (ie. vintage macrame wall hangings and girlie paint by numbers).  It definitely has potential.  Come one, come all!

[BrokenHeart2]

TS the room kind of sounds great, off the wall sort of atmosphere, I think we may all fit in just fine if you get my drift?

"Come one, come all", you could be sorry you said that LOL

[donswife]

a widow house sounds brilliant , I'll bring my sleeping bag

I got a 55 on the quiz

complicated grief ....No shit , Sherlock