My stepson assaulted me

[Bambi]

I can't believe I am writing this but a couple of weeks ago my 24 year old stepson physically assaulted me after I refused to allow his girlfriend to move into our home.  My husband (his dad) died of cancer in July last year and, even though she is a nice enough girl, I just couldn't face having them both there all the time.  They both have full time jobs and no children so could easily rent somewhere but my stepson totally flipped.  He accused me of stealing his inheritance, of "conning a dying man out of his money for the last two years", threatened to kill me, screamed all sorts of truly vile stuff, throwing me on the sofa then physically throwing me out of the front door, jamming my leg in it when I tried to go back for the dog because he was screaming at the dog and I was scared he would attack the dog too!  Terrified I called the police and he was arrested and charged.  He's been back to the house a few times since but is always abusive and threatening.  We all lived together for 6 years and, I thought, had a great relationship.  Since his dad died, I thought we had become even closer - how wrong could I be??  I haven't charged him a penny for anything or made any suggestion he move out.  Can anyone explain what the hell happened??!

[Portside]

Can anyone explain what the hell happened??!

 

Sorry to hear this.

 

Yes, I can explain this. He lost his grip on what is acceptable behavior and what is not. He has demonstrated to you that can be violent for no reason. Further DO NOT meet with him alone. I'd consider getting a restraining order against him.

 

You can't take a chance that he will act like a decent human around you as, as you stated, when he comes over he is threatening.

 

Forget talking to him. You are in danger. Bullies only change when a harder-ass than themselves applies 'corrective guidance". (Read this as an ass kicking).

 

I'm not kidding - do not meet with him and get a restraining order. Right now.

 

Best wishes - Mike

[Bambi]

Thank you - I will !

 

Since it happened, my stepson said "my dad would have kicked you out and divorced you for reporting ME to the police".  My husband's so called friends said "don't press charges, it'll ruin his life" and "you have to remember he's been through a lot".  I said "oh maybe we should just let him kill me then?".  As we all know, losing the love of your life isn't exactly a walk in the park either .....  I have honestly never felt so alone.

[Mizpah]

I'm not kidding - do not meet with him and get a restraining order. Right now.

 

This.

[Mizpah]

And do not absorb his opinion.  Completely disregard what he's saying about your relationship with his father.  You know the truth. 

[Guest TooSoon]

I'm not kidding - do not meet with him and get a restraining order. Right now.

 

This.

 

Just lending one more voice here.  Emphatically this.

[MR]

Hi Bambi,

Sorry to hear what happened with you. Don't know the exact why he would do the physical assault part but you already called cops and taught him lesson. I think (might be wrong) what you husband's friend's are saying makes sense as it will ruin his life as it will go on his file. Don't consider anything what he says as it has no meaning and only you know your relationship with your late husband. Consider if he was your own son and not stepson what would you do.

 

Hugs

Manoj

[Guest nonesuch]

My first thought was that he is using drugs, the second is that he's suffering from some mental illness.

 

Do not allow yourself to be alone with him.

[Mrskro]

Bambi;

 

I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of losing your DH. 

 

I'm sorry but losing a parent is no excuse for abusive behaviour.  And you didn't ruin his life.  He did by assaulting you.  That's on him, not you and please don't let anyone convince you otherwise.  People are responsible for their own actions and the consequences of those actions. 

 

I'm not kidding - do not meet with him and get a restraining order. Right now.

 

I'll lend my voice to agreeing with this. 

 

[tybec]

Safety first.  I agree with all about that.

 

As a mental health therapist, behavior can be understood from mental illness, drug use, but it does not absolve the person of consequences for their actions.  Sometimes the only thing that will get them to get help is the consequences.

 

If I had a dollar for every adult who tried to justify abusing a child because of their own childhood abuse, I would be a wealthy person.  It may be a reason why, but still does not stop the consequences.  Break the chain, not make it stronger with "rationalizations."

 

PS most of us do not hurt others when upset! 

[soloact]

Bambi,

 

I'm so sorry. Due what is necessary to protect you.

 

As to your husbands friends I'm certain they have turned down the bed in their guest rooms and placed a mint on the pillow for the son, right? If not they are blowing smoke. Disregard them.

[Bambi]

Thank you all soooo much for your replies!  It really helps to hear from unknown friends out there who understand.  I know he smokes weed every day, I had asked him to stop (or at least stop doing it in the house) but he refused.  I don't know if he's using anything else, my guess now is probably that he is.  I spoke to my bereavement therapist who said there is nothing we can do unless he seeks help himself. 

 

Feeling less alone since posting

[KrypticKat]

Everyone grieves differently and we can all act like banana heads at times due to loss but there is NEVER a valid reason to become violent towards another person no matter how much you are grieving. That line about protecting him is bullshit. Protecting him from his own actions is not your responsibility. It's like justifying a man hitting his wife because he's a good person. He chose violence. Violence is not okay and there are should be just consequences. Maybe this grieving boy needs to recognize his dad would be probavly be disgusted his son would attack the woman he loves.

 

Don't meet him alone. Stay safe. Kk

[Tweety76]

Like no! Assaulting a person is never accepted! Grief does weird things on us but that truly too much and you do not deserve that. Calling the police was the right thing to do. Are you safe now?

[Bambi]

Thank you KK and Tweety  Unfortunately because the house is still technically his home until Probate goes through, he can come and go as he pleases, I can't change the locks.  The police caution is supposed to keep him away as if he attacks me (or anyone) within the next 6 years he goes straight to court.  That doesn't help me when I'm here on my own freaking out at every car door slamming or the dog barking.  My lawyers are being useless and blanking my calls and emails although said a restraining order would be useless.  I'm falling down a financial black hole so don't want to start again with new ones who'll probably be just as pathetic.  No one seems to give a shit!  My stepson was here on Friday while I was at work and took a jewellery box that contained stuff of his mum and dads (his mum died when he was 4).  Just walked in and took it and it seems there is not a single thing I can do about it.  He also had a rummage in the drawer where I keep my credit cards and sometimes cash.  Had. Enough. Now. 

[KrypticKat]

Take pictures and catalogue all things that will legally belong to you one probate passes. Maybe have someone you trust around as often as possible. Not sure what else you can do. Sending hugs. Kk

[Mrskro]

I would double check that he still has rights to come and go in the house.  If you and your late husband owned the house jointly you may have survivorship rights.

 

If that is not the case and your step son was willed a share in the house, I would move any personal possessions out right now, rent a short term storage unit if you must. 

 

Document everything, especially what he takes.

[pms1954]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Your step son seems to have a lot of resentment towards you that he has kept hidden until the assault. Maybe its been under the surface for along time. Don't disregard that. SAFETY first. Your husband wouldn't have wanted you to be hurt. It doesn't have to be all or nothing as far as charges go. Talk to the DA, ask for a restraining order to be issued for an extended period of time. Let him know you are worried about your step son, especially since he recently lost his dad. Ask if they can do a plea deal to a lesser charge if he agrees to get grief counseling and anger management. And possibly a stipulation that once he completes those, the charge could be expunged. And if you still want to have a relationship, offer to do some family counseling with him to help mend things.  That would probably be the biggest gift you could give to him.

[Guest Metv]

If you aren't (even yet), by will or probate, the owner, best to remove yourself until probate decides. If there are charges against him, one would assume there is s court date. Very hard to distinguish the legalities from what you wrote.