A Month Since He's Been Gone and the Loneliness Is Setting In

[CourtneyR]

 

It's been just about a month since my partner passed away suddenly from a heart attack. He was only 36 and had no prior health issues or symptoms.

 

While technically we weren't married, we lived together for  8 years and i found out only after his death he was planning on finally proposing this summer. That alone has been hard since some people in his family won't recognize me as his widow. By definition I guess I'm not but we shared a life together and we're planning a future together.

 

The loneliness is killing me now. I'm an only child and always thought I was okay being alone but this pain is like nothing I could ever imagine. Now that's it's been over a month people around me have gone back to their normal lives and aren't reaching out like they were two weeks ago. I knew this would happen but it doesn't make it suck less.  People at work look at me with sad eyes or just ignore me.

 

I know in my gut it will get better at some point and I will learn to live with this but it's so hard to see that now. I wish there was a way to fast forward through the pain.

[Julester3]

Hugs to you and be kind to yourself. Man, it sucks to learn that because it's something else to grieve for: your hopes, your future and dream together. That loneliness feeling is sadly part of the processing and acceptance of death. I kept myself busy to get through it and I was fortunate to have our kids to really motivate me to pull out of the quiet, dark brooding that happens at the end of the day or the quiet of the morning.

 

I decided not to wait on friends to come to me but I went to them. Many of my friends are not the type to check on me - they know I need space and I will come to them when I am ready. I am also lucky that I can sort of tell who would be good to reach out to and who to back off of. I used FB to see how they are doing before I contacted them. I tended to choose people that give me a sense of calm so I spent a lot of time with my crafty friends and at first, my husband's friends. They just made me feel comfortable and not anxious - calm effect.

 

The learning part is so hard - it's trial and error and it's not the same for everyone. I think that's why this site is good for us - we can read and get ideas and share or vent. I do think we'd all like a fast forward through the hard stuff but in the end, that journey through it is was helps you grow and learn this new you.

 

Another hug and just breathe...

[MR]

Hi CourtneyR,

Sorry to see you here. First few months are difficult and then we learned to deal with it so please take it easy on yourself. Don't try to think too much just try to pass one day at a time or an hour at a time. Eat well and drink lots of water. Take care of yourself else there is no one else who knows whats going on in your brain.

 

Hugs

Manoj

[Abby78]

It's been 7 weeks since my husband passed away.  He was 41 and it was a sudden heart attack too.  The loneliness is hard and thinking about being lonely in the future is even harder.  I have faith that these strong feelings of grief and loneliness will get easier with time.  I can't imagine it feeling like this forever.

Today I'm going to group grief counciling.  Maybe you can give that a try. I'm thinking that talking with people that are going through the same thing will help calm the strong feeling of loneliness I have.  My sisters and inlaws try to help but I still can't get rid of this empty lonely feeling.    Wish I could've found a young widows group to meet near me but so far no luck.  I hope you find some peace soon. 

[CLG]

CR, I'm very sorry for your loss. We all share that feeling of loneliness and although it may not help, you are not alone. There are way too many of us who are experiencing the same thing - laying in our beds, plopped on our couches, going through our days like a robot, feeling numb (at best) or crushed about nearly ever part of our lives now.

 

My husband, just 50, died two weeks ago from brain cancer. We were only married 9 months before he was diagnosed. He had a small family and we hardly knew each other so there isn't much support for me from there. You are your partner's widow in every way and I hope his friends and family can support you as such.

 

If you share where you live (in general) maybe others can suggest resources. My town (Madison, WI) does have a group for young widows and I'm attending my first meeting next week. If you can find a group near you, I'm sure they will be happy to take you under their wing.

 

 

[Christopher]

The loneliness goes away for some who find friends to be a good enough substitute.

 

For others it never goes away. We still have that need in our life.

 

See if friends and companionship will do it for you and don't forget to take care of yourself. I would have starved to death during the first months and been completely unaware it was happening if I didn't have a 5 year old boy asking for food regularly.

[Helena]

My husband died two years ago in a heart attack, 36 years old. Totally unexpected and the first weeks and months were pure emotional turmoil. Two years out I can tell you it will get better. Eat, drink and cry (and scream if you feel like it) -that is my advice right now. Hugs from Sweden.

[Ginger1210]

Hugs to you Courtney. It has been five months for me and the loneliness is still unbearable. Like you I am an only child, I am not sure what your experience of that was but I was always so independent before meeting my man. I never had a problem being alone and it is disorienting for me now to feel so lonely and constantly afraid to be without him. We were together for over four years and did nearly everything together. I am having such a hard time now doing things on my own. Work is the only part of my day that feels "normal" because I am used to him not being at work with me, it's the only part of my routine that has stayed the same without him.

 

I am not technically a widow either, we were engaged when he was diagnosed with cancer and realized very quickly that we were better off financially if we didn't get legally married so we were never able to make it official. Some people in our families don't choose to recognize me as his widow but it makes those who have been supportive all the more important to me.

[IAYoungWidow]

I too, lost the love of my life, my husband of 15 years, just one month ago.  I can tell you that I feel many of the same feelings that you do.  My daughter was here with me for the past month, but she has gone back to FL to her own life and career, so I get the loneliness - it truly does suck. 

 

I plan to continue to be around this site and hope that it helps me to cope and continue on with my life.

[Chilena]

I also lost my husband a month ago.  I am blessed with an amazing extended family and a few close, great friends who check on me almost every day.  I was doing really well until this last week.  I was even able to give the eulogy at his funeral mass, if you can believe that.  I am finding it very hard to get up and get dressed, especially since it is 26 degrees and snowing right now. But I have prior experience with depression, so luckily, I know what to do.  If one of my friends is going out, I go with them, even if it just to the grocery store or to run errands.  This forces me to get up and get dressed and speak to another human.  I keep protein shakes and bars and eat at least that.  I have found that I am more likely to fall into the long "ugly crying" jags in the evening when I'm tired, so I take my meds and go to bed early.  I just found the site "Meet up", which lists groups in your area based on common interests like cooking or singing, or practicing a language, anything, really.  I am going to try to go to a couple of those meetings, even if my heart isn't in it yet.  It is strange how I will be cruising along ok and then missing him acutely strikes my heart.  This has happened during mass (church) the last three weekends, where I just can't stop crying.  I'll keep doing my best, and thanks to all who have posted, I know it will get better.

[Julester3]

Sounds like you have some good strategies and a good support system, Chilena. Hugs!

[Only22moreyrs.]

Have grief counseling for the first time tomorrow. I’m a little anxious don’t know what to expect or to say or to do. So scared to go. Went everywhere with my hubby, but obviously ... heart broken and dying a little each day without him.

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Only22moreyrs.

 

I'm sorry to have to welcome you to our group.

 

I hope you feel comfortable with your grief counseling appointment tomorrow.  This should be for your comfort...a place where you can do or say what feels okay for you.  I remember being so heartbroken that I had difficulty even breathing.  You will be able to do this.  We all have - and we have all been exactly where you are right now.

 

Hugs to you.  Check back in tomorrow and let us know how your session went.

 

Maureen

[Only22moreyrs.]

Thanks Maureen. It was a little weird. She was interviewing me about how he passed, when I just wanted to talk about him so she would understand who I lost. I feel like I didn’t get a chance to tell her about him as a person and what we meant to each other. Going to try next week, I just need her to understand. Is this normal? Or should I look for another counselor? A little dazed and confused. I’m so angry too. They took my best friend.

[Wheelerswife]

My experiences with counselors in my own grief is that I have been able to set the tone of the sessions when I needed to do that. I did this more after my second husband died, but my counselor had known my husband and had actually been his counselor after he lost his wife, so my counselor already had some perspective.

 

Perhaps give this counselor another chance and see if you can assert your need to talk in your next session on your own agenda?

 

Hugs to you!

 

Maureen

[Only22moreyrs.]

Thanks Maureen, I’ll give that a try.