Five year mark

[hikermom]

Yesterday was five years since my husband rolled on his bike out of our driveway for the last time. DD and I have both commented on how it just doesn't feel like it could be five years. Then I think of what has transpired in the last five years. DD's in middle school. I've changed jobs a few times to end up at the place that feels like home. We've traveled to China, Iceland, seen the Grand Canyon. My dad and my FIL both died. The dog and rabbit that we had together both died and we have a dog and a cat that he never knew.

 

What was weird - and yet not weird - is that the build up to the five year anniversary was worse than the day itself. I think we all know that the build up for the anticipated dates is much more debilitating than the day itself. I've also learned (as have you all) it is the sneaky events that surprise you and pack a wallop - parent teacher conferences, taking him off the checking account.

 

And so my lesson at five years is that the anniversary was less hard than the feeling of loss that the grief has abated so much. Don't get me wrong - I never want to feel that suffocating grief again. That horrible feeling of not breathing. But for awhile, grief was my constant companion. It was there as every milestone brought me further away from what was and what should have been but will never be. It was there during moments of success - both mine and DD's. It was there during hard times that had nothing to do with his death.

 

But don't we all know that each action, each step is a loss? Particularly in the early days, months and years. That change to the checking account? One more loss. That first soccer banquet? One more loss. That first basketball game? First Christmas? First day of middle school? All losses that circle back to the original loss.

 

And so - at five years - the loss of the steady grief is yet another thing that brings me away. I'm learning to be okay with that.

 

Nevertheless she persisted - I'm reclaiming my time.

[Wife of Tomasz]

Hi Hikermom,

I am only at 2years out, but I so resonate with the loss of grief statement.

 

 

[hachi]

... the build up to the five year anniversary was worse than the day itself.

 

Oddly for me, this year, also year 5, the days after were really difficult. I had sort of convinced myself that I had this. This year was going to be okay, after all, we have survived 100% of the hard days so far. So I got through most of it pretty easily, but the few weeks after, oh my. It seemed like it hit me with a vengeance. I am better this week, just emotionally exhausted.

 

Hikermom, I so agree with your statement that all of the losses circle back to that original loss. Thinking of you, and the rest of our 5 year club...

[imissdow]

July was 6 years for me. His birthday and day he died are 4 days apart. It sucked. I made it thru his birthday and then just fell apart. It surprised me yet I halfway expected it. My therapist told me to make friends with it, I really was hoping I wouldn't need to.

[jgib]

Thank you all for posting.  January will be year 4 for me. 

I keep thinking this year will be easier and it never seems to be.  You all are helping me and reminding me that just may not ever be the case.  Maybe I just need to accept easier is not the right word and that each year will be what it is as that anniversary rolls around.

Time to stop looking for easier and just accept what it is.  Easy to write the words and maybe not so easy to do!

[klim]

Hikermom, it's nice to hear from you and  to hear your reflection on what is going on at 5 years.  I remember you well from the earlier times on this and the old board. I'm at 4 1/2 years,so not far behind.  I think your analyse is very similar to the way I feel functioning is easier but in a way that signals another loss.

[kjs1989]

hikermom,

 

You and I are very close in our timelines. It will be five years October 12th.

 

What you wrote....I read it three times.

 

Poignancy.... in the most profound definition of the word.

[Trying]

Time is such a tricky thing. I wonder how it could possibly be 4 years that have passed already but then I look at how much has changed for me and my 3 boys.  I still have those moments of disbelief that this is really my life now and those moments that I feel like my life with DH was only a dream. So many contradictions in widowhood.

 

I'm glad you checked in here Hikermom.

[Captains wife]

Hikermom - I am now 5 1/4 years out and sometimes my old life seems so far away. Other times, I wonder how our lives would look if he was still with us...honestly, he would love the good place we are in now and he would love our life we have carved out. I feel the loss most deeply as it relates to my son who, at now 6 years old, misses having a Dad and is expressing sadness about it. He talks about his Dad (and death) a lot.

 

I'm also glad you checked in and that you and DD are doing well.....none of this is easy and I don't think the sadness ever really goes away but we learn to live with it and we progress. I too am so glad that the heart wrenching days of sadness are over - sometimes I'm not sure how I functioned in those earlier times (like you, I lost my husband suddenly). There were times early on when I begged my grief therapist to help me figure out when I was going to "feel better".

 

I will say, though, I learned ALOT from becoming a young widow and weirdly enough it has made me a better person, mother and partner in a lot of ways.