Feeling lonely

[widowat33]

I'm almost nine months out.

At the beginning I swore I would never date again. Up until recently I wasn't even interested in the thought.

Lately though I have been thinking about it. I miss him so much and I know that it won't replace him. I feel so alone.

I was so happy with him, I can't imagine not having that closeness that we shared ever again. My thinking is starting to shift that maybe I could find that with someone else, not exactly the same of course, but just that feeling that you have when you have that one person who loves you more than anything else and you feel the same way in return. I'm pretty sure I'm not ready for that, but I do think I will be someday. And that's a start...

Since I'm asking, I know I'm not ready, but how did you know that you were ready to start dating again and that it wasn't just because you felt alone?

[mokie]

I can tell you how I knew I was NOT ready...

 

I connected with a guy on some dating site (this was at a year out), we had chatted for awhile, and finally decided to meet for dinner.  I had picked out a neat place by the river that had outdoor seating.  I figured that would give us something to look at and talk about anyway.  Well, I walked up to the restaurant and saw 2 co-workers with their spouses sitting outside, and then the guy walked up, and I grabbed his arm and led him inside, and we had dinner in there instead.

 

I knew then that if I wasn't ready for friends/co-workers to see me out with someone, then I was not ready to be dating.  I took another couple of years off of even thinking about it after that, and just worked on getting comfortable with me.  By the time I dated again, I was at a point where I could have gone on being just by myself forever if that was the way things went.  I was content with myself.  And I think that helped make me more open to other people.

[klim]

At first when I was lonely I figured I'd fix it by passing time and sociallizing  with a new crowd....so I joined a meetup group, hiking and doing other outdoors stuff( around 6 months). It was great.

I figured I may be interested in dating when I was paying more attention to the guys in the group and appreciating when they paid attention to me. ( around 9 months) When one of the guys asked me out I didn't know if I was ready but thought I'd try. No regrets...life is full of learning and what comes next is always a mystery.

So how did I know I was ready ...it was my reactions to outside stimulus , not a matter of searching within myself and deciding I had mourned long enough. When I showed interested I figured it was worth the risk.

[momtokam]

At 9 months I was feeling like I wanted to start living again. I felt like I couldn't keep being sad and started to change my outlook a bit.

 

I started looking around the dating sites but it was at around a year out that I met someone worth meeting.

 

Was I ready? Not sure. We dated about a year but I still wasn't sure. I ended it because I felt it wasn't fair to him. Kids and exes really complicate things.

 

I tried again to poke around the dating sites. After a month I quit. Maybe I wasn't ready, maybe I was discouraged at the prospects, who knows.

 

At this point my gut says ease in slowly but no commitments.

First guy and I stayed friends and its getting a little complicated again. He understands where I am at. I am totally honest with him.

 

I can't do anything serious now. My kids come first for now. Two and a half years out, I am still trying to find my way.

 

I am not sure I really answered your question but wanted to share my experience. Everyone's journey is different and you may not know until you try.

 

Hugs to you....

[anniegirl]

I don't know if it's really possible to know if you are ready until you've tried.

 

There are lots of things you can do to assess yourself, prepare maybe but how can you know if you'll like something/someone until you've taken a step or two towards investigating to find out?

 

In my experience, when you start wondering and daydreaming, you are probably ready to investigate/explore possibilities.

 

There are things you can do that are social and mingly that aren't dating but would give you an idea about how you really feel deep down.

 

But widowed seem to believe there is some mile-marker that you will pass one day and the idea of being with someone not your late spouse will not seem odd or even somewhat wrong.

 

That place doesn't really exist.

 

Even when you meet someone amazing and know you are in love, or will be soon, there is a surreal nature to it and it's confusing and can lead to a lot of unnecessary angst.

 

You should do whatever feels most right for you. If you want to try putting yourself out there socially - do it. If you'd rather not, don't.

 

Loneliness is part of grief. in my opinion, it's one of the worst and most frustrating parts because it's something time doesn't seem to touch. Other things fade but not the need to know and be known by that one person who matters more than anyone else in the world.

 

What makes dating hard is that it's a "letting go" step. It's an acknowledgement that you are going on with your life.

 

It's not a race. And it's not a requirement. It's something that you do for you and it can be really hard to admit that you want and need companionship and love. But it's okay to do it.

 

[widowat33]

Thank you for the replies.

I think what I am struggling with is knowing whether I want to meet people, and date, or whether I just feel alone and want to fill a void. I worry that I may rush into something based on my loneliness.

And of course there's the issue of telling my kids and family when I do start dating, how they will react.

It's funny before I dated my dh I never felt the need to have a serious relationship, he was in fact the first guy I ever loved. I think because of our relationship it's made me realize just how great it is to have that companionship. He taught me how to love and be loved. Maybe that's why I feel like I want to find that again..because I had it and miss it!

It helps to hear others perspectives, we are all different, but I love hearing other peoples stories and experiences!

[anniegirl]

or whether I just feel alone and want to fill a void

 

The need to "fill a space" is not a bad thing and sometimes, when we begin to think about dating again, we tend to think it is more often than not.

 

The need to share our lives is what, imo, that void is and we fill it with friends and children too and don't hesitate to do so as much as we do with the intimate companion thing.

 

I was in my mid-30's when LH came along. I was not looking for anything at that point in my life. I'd really spent my entire adult life as a single person and it surprised me to find that I liked being partnered and I missed that when he was gone.

 

There is nothing wrong with knowing who you are and seeking to be that person.

 

Friends, family and children will react how they react. You can't control it and ultimately, their feelings are theirs to deal with. We can't make change hurt less for them anymore than we can make it less confusing for us. Our journeys are individual so are theirs.

 

People who love you will be supportive as long as you make it clear that you don't live your life via committee.

[jlp]

Interesting.  I hit the 9-month mark on Thursday and just now realized that I didn't make note of the date for the first time since DH died.  Huh.  Yes, I've been feeling really lonely lately, too, and I think a lot of it is just craving some physical affection.  Also, someone to talk to on a daily basis, maybe.  (I mean someone special, not the grocery clerk!)  But I know that I'm also still way too banged up to be of use to anyone -- not fair to them or me.  But, yes, I've been thinking of it, too, so I guess that means we must be making some progress, even though most of the time I don't feel that I am.

 

I'm really working hard on my grief for now.  Perhaps someday I'll be ready to date, but I think I need to get through at least a week without crying first!

 

[maddalena]

i knew i wasn't ready when I first "tried" i logged onto a dating site and the mere act of doing that made me sick to my stomach.

I waited a while more and i could cruise the site, but when someone actually wrote to me that i couldn't just rule out because he was an idiot or a slime bucket, i got queasy again.

 

I knew i was ready the day I wrote to my many years before i was married boyfriend and was excited when he called me back. It was a few months short of 2 years..

 

 

[lcoxwell]

I will be honest and say that I started dating far sooner than most would recommend and before I was really "ready", per se. Actually, I had expected it to take a long time to find someone I might be interested in dating; so, I started looking early on, thinking that, by the time I found the right guy to go out with, I would be ready.

 

As is often the case in life, things did not go as planned. Within two days of setting up a profile, I was matched with my New Guy. We started communicating almost daily, right from the start. A month later, we went on our first date. I found him to be one of the most interesting and engaging men I had ever met, and our first date was probably the least awkward first date I have ever had in my entire life. We were just instantly comfortable with one another and ended up spending six hours together.

 

Truthfully, I think our first date was maybe a little too soon, and he might have sensed that. He waited another month and five days, before taking me on date number two. That extra month made all the difference in the world. That night, we shared our first kiss, on the beach, by the fire, with soft music playing in the background. We have been inseparable ever since.

 

For me, I don't know that there was an exact "Ah-ha! Moment" that let me know I was ready to date. I think there were just a number of almost imperceptible moments that occurred along the way. For one, I was going out and spending time with other people, men included, at least once a week, so I could honestly say the desire to go on a date wasn't just so I could get out of the house or because I was "lonely". For another, I was concerned that it might be too soon, so I did get input from trusted people, who assured me that I was ready and who supported me in my decision to date.

 

Mostly, I think my readiness to date was contingent upon finding the right person. At the same time I was matched with New Guy, I was also matched with a few other men, whom I spent time communicating with and getting to know somewhat. I was not even remotely interested in dating any of them. There was just something "special" that separated New Guy from the others and set him apart. He was the only one I was interested in getting to know better or in dating. When he kissed me for the first time, I not only surprised myself by enjoying the kiss far more than I had expected, but also found myself wanting to kiss him again and again and again. That's when I knew I was truly ready.

[DansSoulmate]

I would likely shock some by the actions I have taken rather early on but this is such a highly personal decision and, in my opinion, your approach too should be in keeping with your own comfort level.  I should also add that my kids are older so my situation is likely quite a bit different than others.  I have always been very social so several months after I did activities with meetup groups just like we did before he passed.  For me, it was a way to continue to bring some joy  to my life and to also continue to expand my circle of friends.  Our friends also allowed me to tag along when they went out but some put a little too much pressure on me to "get out there".  Online dating, though, in my opinion, can be a little tricky but if approached with the right expectations and lots of caution I also think it's another mechanism to expand your circle of friends (or more).  And, I completely agree that finding the right person is key in not adding even more stress to your life than is already there.

[Captains wife]

This is a tricky road to navigate. I admittedly started dating out of loneliness (but I was very isolated as we had moved to a new town 3 months before he died) but i also knew myself well enough + had a 9 mth old so waited 14 months before i joined my first online dating service. Honestly, because i wasnt looking to find true love at the beginning of the dating process - just wanted to meet a partner that I enjoyed spending time with, i had some fun with it. Tried dating different men from my usual type, took it easy. But its hard not to get attached to someone you meet and get those butterfies with. And, admittedly, dating takes work as its not always easy to find good matches. Even at 3 years out, I am still struggling with dating and trying to formulate a new relationshp - as a single mum and still missing parts of my married life. Yet i also feel dating has helped me in some ways to see who else is out there and start moving on in my life. I think gently getting into the dating scene when you feel you would like shake off your loneliness is not a bad thing but be findful of how it will make you feel to be out with someone else and take it SLOWLY. I have actually made some good male friends from it, for which I am thankful. Just take care of yourself, be mindful of who you date and if it makes you too upset after a first outing, take a step back and give yourself more time. I think its hard to be "fully" ready for a long time to date seriously, especially as we are grieving and some people are grieving long-term, happy marriages where they grew up essentially with their partner. Yet, I also think it has to do with your state of mind re: trying to move on + having a very understanding partner who can be supportive in the process. But also take this time to learn to be happy on your own and re-discover yourself - that is what I have been trying to do as I go and it has helped me too.