Struggles with rejection

[gracelet]

I?m having one of those days were I feel dejected and rejected.  My mother and I went to see the musical production of Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown last night, which was really not the best choice of shows on her part? Flippant comments about suicide etc for the sake of a cheap laugh. I find it quite triggering but I had to pretend to be really grateful and smiley to my mum for arranging it.

 

Basically, I?m feeling really rejected by others.  I know I am over-sensitive to being rejected compared to while wife was alive but I just can?t help it.  I wish I could centre myself and say, ?Grace, it?s not the end of the world.? And not let it bother me.  In my head now, my wife rejected me by killing herself.  She denied me our relationship.  I was not enough to keep her here. She said no.

 

This leads to me feeling more hurt than I should by people saying no to me or disappearing off the radar in a romantic and close friend sense.  This happened twice yesterday.

 

First, I am firmly back in friend zone with Boy Widower.  I feel so stupid for making myself vulnerable to him and for the amount of brain time he has consumed.  We and mini group were supposed to meet up for Widow Whine and Wine on Friday.  However, he messaged last night, only after being prompted by one of the others, to say he?s off on holiday yet again. Whenever he?s in contact, it?s now purely logistical ? my band is playing at his charity ball.  Stupid me thought it would be a nice thing to offer and do in support.  Now I just feel taken advantage of.  He?s fucking with me, and not in the way I wanted him to!!

 

THEN, a girl I?ve been messaging from Tinder who actually had great potential ? far more than previous Tinder dates ? has gone totally silent on me.  We had arranged to go on a date tonight but I had no reply yesterday to my messages asking what time suits her and suggesting a venue.  I sent a follow up later in the day, a comical teasing one to say ?let me know if I should be fretting over my outfit choice for tomorrow?. Again no reply. Paranoid Grace thinks she must have googled me, found out about me being a cheating suicide widow and run a mile.  She has enough info about me to establish who I am through a clever Google. I just don?t know.

 

Sigh.  Anyway, I guess I should be grateful that I haven?t had a day like this in a while.  Think my period is due too so it?s probably the hormones going mental too.  Just needed to get this out there. 

 

Anybody else have this fear of rejection or assumption that others reject us because of our widow status?

 

Resident confused lesbian widow xx

 

[Captains wife]

Gracelet - I havent been exactly what you have been through (as a SoS) but I understand your comments on rejection. Im sorry you are feeling this way - the dating scene seems so complicated these days and it must be hard to move on after all that you (we on this board) have been through. I never was that conscious of feeling rejected when I dated before (in my 20s/30s, pre-marriage) - maybe a little but not to the same extent I am now as I am dating. I dont feel the men I date understand or can deal with my grief well (and there were complications related to my husband and my relationship which compounds the grief) and I feel like telling my widow story (and as a single mother of a toddler) sends many men running for the hills. I try not to give out my last name to dates as you can easily google me and find all the details of my sad story online. I am trying to date someone now but sometimes I feel like it might be over very quickly so I have tried to pre-empt by iniitiating a break-up on more than one occasion - which isnt a good way to move forward. I feel like I have ups and downs with dating and the down periods can be very blue. Not sure, on my side, if the grief and my departed marriage has made me more "needy" or less confident but I am sure these major life experiences have something to do with it ! Having read your posts, you seem like a great person with alot to give and alot of spirit so just try to move forward with this. We can never control other people's actions but also there are many people in this big old wide world to meet and there are the "right" matches out there for all of us !

[Lisa]

My heart goes out to you. When I started feeling very fragile about rejection and the lack of honesty and consistency in the dating word, I took a break from dating. A very long one. I feel better. I just can't do this if I am going to feel suspicious and obsessive. It is exhausting. Im not saying that is the solution for you. It is working for me. I need someone who loves the cynic out of me I guess.

good luck. Sending a hug.

[messageinabottle]

(((HUGS))) Been there, been there, felt that, feel that, struggle with that.  Yep.

 

Sorry I have made myself vunerable lately as well and although it is better than having the guards up tougher than Ft Knox it also brings forth the insecurities, struggles with rejection and all out "yuk" feelings.

Hang in there.

[Guest look2thesky]

Very hard to face rejection. Sometimes it involves taking chances, finding new friends, and letting go of others.

[Mizpah]

Rejection and disappointment - they're so hard because they remind us (like we need to be reminded of this horrid truth) of the limits of our control, and of our will, and of our ability to have things be as we want them to.  Grrrr.  These people are idiots for blowing you off clearly.  I'm sorry, babe. 

[gracelet]

The disappointment affected me way more than I anticipated. I had a full meltdown sob on the kitchen floor while the pasta was cooking the other night.  Then on Saturday I went rather overboard with the alcohol (I know I have a problem) which ended up with me going clubbing alone having lost my friends who were even more obviously inebriated.  Actually, clubbing alone was hilarious and I met lots of interesting people, none of whom I can remember.  Clearly I had a good time because my phone shows I got in a taxi at 3.30am.  However, I'm acutely aware it was yet another example of me putting myself in a dangerous situation; Thailand was the start of that.  If it hadn?t been a gay club, I could have gotten myself in a lot of trouble. I?m lucky.

 

Well, one ?benefit?, I guess you could say of being rejected is that we?ve literally had one of the worst things happen to us in the world and nothing can beat that.  The worst people can do now is say no.  So on that basis, I tried Tinder Girl #4 one last time. This time, she replied and apologised. 

 

It emerged that she came out of a relationship with a man before Christmas and was nervous and freaking out about meeting someone so ?seemingly compatible?. So, maybe she hasn?t done the extensive Google stalking I feared, although someone with a similar background to her certainly has been doing their research on business social media about me, which is worrying. I?ve told her we all have a history but that I will judge her for her, and ask that she judges me for me.  See what I did there?

 

Long story short ? we?re giving it another go and going on a date this week.  Hurrah.

 

It?s amazing how much my mood can fluctuate.

 

AND, the sun is finally shining in London. Now I?m smiling ? it?s gonna be ok.

 

[Chrispy89]

Grace, I understand the worry of how our 'widow' status might impact our relationship prospects. As we are both of such a young age, I feel like whoever we meet might freak out because they don't know how to handle the situation... I mean how many widows do you meet in their mid to late 20s? However in saying that, I was worried DH would freak out about other 'negative' situations I've had in my life, but he accepted them, fully and wholly because he loved me. As someone will do for you one day, including the 'widow' tag. I do believe you are very brave trying the dating scene. I know for myself personally, whenever I have been a mess mentally and emotionally in the past, I attracted like minds, which never ended well. When I met DH I was carefree, about to go on a 6 month around the world trip, and happy. I'm not saying what you put out into the universe will be what is returned to you (because we all know what a load of bollocks that is), I am saying that when I was happy and carefree I thought with a clear mind. This allowed me to see very easily what I did and did not want in a relationship, what was acceptable and not acceptable, and dictated how I would respond to situations. The only thing acceptable for me at the time was also a happy and carefree person! So I'm going to wait.. Until my mind is a bit clearer again so I can get to that point. I don't know when that will happen.. Maybe it will take years.. Maybe it will take forever... But I want to be content in my own mind before I move forward.... As for the physical aspects I have not thought that far ahead yet!! Wahh!! Ann Summers?! Haha!

 

Anyway, after this rambling post I guess I'm just saying we have some extra battles to contend with, so be kind to yourself!! and GOOD LUCK for TinderGirl#4 (BTW I downloaded Tinder just to see what other single guys even looked like and freaked out and deleted it after approximately 20 minutes!!)

[Jen]

I've never dealt with rejection well, which is why I've never really dated, and probably why I alienate people by trying too damned hard to please. Knowing that doesn't mean I know what to do about it-- nothing to do, I expect, and I have only myself to blame for the inevitable outcome. Sigh.

 

Hugs, Grace. Just... hugs. This whole gig sucks donkeys.

[Mac]

When I was a young man, rejection was a concern. When I first started dating after being widowed, rejection was somewhat of a concern. Then as I had more experience dating, concerns of rejection evaporated. If it's not right for both parties, oh well. I feel good about myself and what I have to offer to the right person. I also trust in some sort of plan. Life has been good to me in the past, I expect that it will be in the future. And it is being kind to me right now.

 

Grace, you are certainly a beautiful person physically. You lead an interesting life. I guess it's all about meeting the right person. Wishing you all the best with that.

 

[gracelet]

In good news, I'm not feeling rejected now because the girl in question and I ended up going on our date on Thursday. I chased one last time - figured I had nothing to lose and also, I just knew there was something different this time and that's why her going awol had affected me so much. She'd gotten nervous because she came out of a relationship before Christmas and it was with a man.

 

I may be getting ahead of myself, but i haven't felt like that on a date since my first date with Elle. We were together for over six hours on a week night. The restaurant had to kick us out. It was fantastic all round. She was fantastic, engaging, beautiful and emotionally intelligent. Her mother died at the age of 43 (which scares me because she might die young too, but more on that another time). We talked about grief and how it shapes you, but I stopped short of sharing that I'm a widow, although I shared about losing my brother. That can come later. She can judge me for me right now.

 

What was most special was that she had on a silver necklace with a fox shaped pendant. Elle sends me signs through foxes. I had to catch my breath - it feels like I now have Elle's approval, which I LOVE. I literally couldn't believe my eyes.

 

I am excited again. There's that flutter, and when we kissed everything stopped around us. You know? THAT. no other dates have made me feel that.

 

I hope I don't intimidate her too much again :-s