MrsDan Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 So in less than a month I will be starting a new job 300 miles away. I'm scrambling for us to find a house to rent out there. I need to rent my house out, and met with some friends about it tonight. They just signed their lease on their apartment but emailed their landlord about this opportunity, and would they please let them out of it. She said she appealed to his Christian sensibilities, saying what a blessing it would be. I said, well you know, feel free to play the widow card and explain how much it would help your widowed friend. And she said, "Oh I did that. Yeah, that's happened." So we'll see if it works by proxy. It would really be a weight off, knowing my house is rented by people I know would care for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 good on you. why not. your friend seems to get it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsMisterman Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I say use it while still valid! And yes, by proxy. Spread it far and wide. Lately, I feel like my widow card has lost all value. Like an expired coupon. And I have never intentionally shown it. It organically reveals itself during times of high stress. (Widow high stress, which is probably a normal person's run- of -the- mill day stress) Last time was Feburary with receptionist at oil company. Got me nowhere. It's 30 below at night with 6 feet of snow pack. I need oil or me and kitties will freeze. She tells me I need to shovel a path to the back of house where oil fill pipe is. I lose my mind and have a widow melt down on her ass. She tells me every nice and comforting thing to get me to say good bye and hang up. Two days later, I still had no oil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest tableforone Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Oh yes. Lay that widow card on the table. I only played it a few times but every time, it worked. Hope it works for you now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I intend to use it to the fullest until someone calls me out on it. I effing earned it. And there is nothing - and I mean nothing - that gets the attention of disengaged college students better than a slide of Scott and M and my saying "Here is my daughter and late husband in front of (insert building or work of art) to give you a sense of scale." Shameless, I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Not a fan of the widower card. Just seems manipulative to me. I have a feeling it's one of those things you'd regret later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 I am moving 300 miles for a new job in less than a month. I have to find a place to rent before then, to make what I anticipate what will be a very difficult transition for DD easier. Trying to find a house that will rent to you when you have two dogs is not easy, and I'm scared they will not want to rent to someone with a new job and is carrying a mortgage. If I had a signed lease from tenants it would make things a lot less stressful. In addition to finding a place for DD to live, worrying about DD's transition to a whole new place, packing up my life and dealing with the triggers inherent in that, and learning a whole new job I have to worry about my house. Getting one of them off my shoulders would allow me to focus on those other difficult things. All of this is happening because my husband died. All because he needed alcohol more than he loved me. I'm not using his death to get a new handbag, or even get out of a traffic ticket. I didn't play the widow card to get the job; no one knew. Because I sat in a room full of esteemed professionals and hid the unrelenting agony I'm in every second of the day. I have to deal with the situation his disease left me with, all to raise an innocent child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
messageinabottle Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 You know I have never used the "widow card". It has came up in conversations that either others asked my situation or friends went out on a limb to explain to get me help at times. It is not a playing card used in a light manner and I know that is not what MrsDan implied ever. What is stated is that she needed help, her friend wants to help her because not only she is a friend but because of her situation and make things easier. It is not a card just like someone with cancer does not play the cancer card they live it. We live widowhood and sometimes we need a step up to help us cope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest AC Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Mrs. Dan, I for one (or another one...) didn't take what you said to mean you, your friend, or anyone was "playing the widow card" in the sense that the information was used in a manipulative manner to gain the upper hand or take unfair advantage of a situation. As has been said, this is real life and real life events from the past can and do have a real life impact on real life future events and plans. I totally get that your move is directly tied to your widowed status and that that relevant fact may come up when looking at your housing situation. In my opinion, your friend did not play anyone or manipulate anyone by stating that you are a young widow looking to move for better job opportunities in an effort to provide for you daughter as an only parent in the wake of your husband's tragic and untimely death - she simply spoke the truth. Kudos to all you are doing for yourself and your daughter and kudos to your friend for speaking the real world, real life truth in an effort to assist you in your efforts to provide the best possible future for your family all on your own. I hope you find a housing option that works without too much undue stress - maybe this is the one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 MrsD, Sorry if I seemed flippant; I did not mean it in that spirit at all. I agree that our circumstances affect the realities in which we operate and very often should, justifiably, be a factor in situations like this. If I have a student who has a broken arm and can't take notes for half of the semester, should I hold that against her? No, we look at the reality and we make appropriate accommodations. You are doing everything right here. Hoping for the best for you and DD. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I recall playing the widow card shortly after my first husband died. I had 2 vehicles, an adapted mini-van with a ramp and tie-downs for his wheelchair, and a Jeep Wrangler. Neither of them were well-suited for me and his dog, so I decided to sell them both and get a small SUV. I was willing to get a used vehicle, but I didn't want to pay more than I would get for the trade-in value of both vehicles. (I didn't have the energy to try to sell the Jeep, and a third-party modified vehicle dealer was taking the van in this transaction.) After test driving several models (CarMax was good for this!), I chose to go to a dealer for my purchase. Unfortunately, the prices on their used vehicles (one year old) were above the market value of my two vehicles combined. They guy asked me why I was trading in my old vehicles, so I told him my husband had died weeks earlier and I needed a more functional vehicle for me and it was hard walking into the garage every day and seeing the van. He asked me if I would take a blue or red vehicle...I chose blue...and he lowered the price to exactly my trade-in value. They probably didn't make much money on that car, but I got what worked for me. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swilson Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Not by proxy but I've had things fall through the cracks or a deadline missed now & then. Usually I'll apologize and explain to them it's different trying to manage things alone, so in a sense - play the widower card. Most people understand which is appreciated. A lot of you further along seem to have it together and that gives me hope about getting on track. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 MrsDan I hope it works out with your friends, what a relief it would be to have your house rented and to someone you know and trust too. Will you have some time between ending your current job and starting the new one? Will you have any help with packing? Fingers and toes crossed that the rental goes through and that you find a place to meet your needs quickly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 MrsDan - that is a lot on your plate so I hope your house rents quickly and you can find a new place to live without much difficulty ! I also hope you have some local support for the move, its exciting that you are starting a new job ! I think its perfectly acceptable for us widows/widowers to explain our circumstances (or have our circumstances explained on our behalf) in important situations - there is nothing wrong about giving the whole story because some of us do need a little boost. I have personally explained my widow status for certain situations, because, well being a widow has impacted me immensely and I need a little extra. And for you, this is very important....so wishing it all works out for you on renting your house. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsT85 Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 MrsDan, I hope everything works out so that your friends are able to rent the house. I don't think you did anything underhanded or manipulative either - you and your friends are simply laying all the facts out on the table. Like you said - you're not doing it for a handbag or something else insignificant - this is a huge step that will make your life and the life of those you love the most better. I'd say that if you're not hurting someone (and in this situation, it sounds like the worst that might happen to anyone involved is that a landlord might have an empty apartment for an extra couple weeks) I'd say use every arrow in your quiver for the sake of yourself and your daughter (and your dear friends as well). Best of luck with this, and with all these next steps. I remain so very impressed with your amazing strength and all that you've done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddienhp Posted April 13, 2015 Share Posted April 13, 2015 I look at the "widow card" as shorthand. Its a quick way for others to know the challenges we face. MrsD, you face a lot of challenges. You didn't ask to be a single parent. Your husband died. You were left holding the bag. New job, moving, etc. It's a lot of transitions. You were handed a full platter in life. I sincerely wish everything goes smoothly for you. Hang in there. Eileen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keeptrying Posted April 14, 2015 Share Posted April 14, 2015 Be careful with the widow card, it could backfire on you. I took my kids on a vacation for a few days. I just needed to get away, see that I could be strong enough, and make the best for my family without my husband. (I am 4 months out, this was last month). The school told me that they don't feel as though one person can take on the responsibilities I do with all my kids and because I am a widow how I am coping with the loss of my husband. I told them I wished he would walk through the door, I miss him, but doing the best I can. She took that as I needed mental help and that I thought my husband was still alive. (Although I see his ashes every day). They called children protective services on me and want to try to take me to court for the kids being out of school more than 3 days without a doctors excuse. I regret being honest. The good thing is, Child protective services said they have NO idea why some one would call on my family, but they need to do their job.That doesn't stop me from being on the "list". Now I am paranoid and too scared to even speak to anyone. People can use it to assume, or take advantage or who knows what. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest tableforone Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 I did not think that you were being manipulative by suggesting that someone had played the widow card. When I was a young single teacher and renting apartments that I knew had multiple people interested, I ALWAYS told them I was an elementary school teacher. I always got the apartment. Is that manipulative? No. It was a factual piece of information about me that I knew could influence someone's feelings about me in a positive way. Being widowed is a terrible, terrible thing. Occasionally we need to give that extra piece of information in order to help us in a situation. Being a widow is a fact. Stating a fact is not manipulation. I hope that it all works out for you. All these huge transitions are stressful life changes. Big hug to you!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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