Sugarbell Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 A Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest look2thesky Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I can so relate, even by just the title. Why do we put so much into trying to please someone else ? Have heard " relationships require work", and have always disputed it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lmsmdm Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Missed the post, hope all is ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mac Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I was wondering the same thing for a while. Expectations, beliefs, lifestyle, family, sex drive, sensuality, independence, needs, experiences? Many different variables. Sure one can compromise and balance, at least for a while. But then you realize that it is too much effort. And when you love yourself and feel good about yourself and the possibilities that are out there, why compromise? Wishing you all the best Sugarbell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 He's a great guy....but I feel myself pulling back. And I wonder if I have been doing this so long that I don't want to have another person "need" me to much. It's been since a party I went to with him last weekend. It was 2 hours away...murder mystery/costume...I agreed to go last month...I was busy that morning with sports stuff....but I know relationships are compromises....ended up getting up at 7am next morning...driving 2 hours home...then full day of sports/grandparents while feeling like crap. Of course he went home and slept all day. I like doing my own thing....I become more and more free spirited....There isn't anyone else....just not sure I am cut out for the full fledged compromise/work of a relationship. Not ending it.....just trying to subtlety out the brakes on. And it truly isn't him....I am afraid I would be this way with anyone. Ugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest look2thesky Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I think you're not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 It bothered me too when he pulled up to the house noticed the yard (my son and I do yard work/landscaping as a hobby) and said "Yeah if we ever lived together I would let you do all the yard work...you're much better at it than me. I will just take care of the inside" He doesn't clean much either..WTF? It's an innocent compliment...but red flags went off that I would be doing more work if we were living together. He also goes on about how I am a practical stabilizing force for him. Again I read that as "Take care of me" He owns two homes....but one sits empty and he hasn't even tried to sell it. He hates yard work but bought a beautiful flat 5 acre lot his new home is on. He owns 2 sports cars....but on a whim last week bought a huge 6 seater truck. And he's got this bus...yes a greyhound bus parked at a campground that he renovated when his daughter played travel ball...but now doesn't use it and it sits there. And he pays to keep it parked there but won't sell it. Makes really good money--but I think he spends it as quick as he makes it. His soul is good-he's a good person....but I don't want to take care of another person right now...my plate is too full. And the more I pull back the more clingy he's becoming (a side I have not seen till now) This is why I think you gotta give this shit time....first 3-6 months is always unicorns and rainbows. It takes a while to really know someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 This might not be you not being cut out for relationships. This might be various red flags, specific to HIM. He may be a great guy, but a relationship is also about the kind of (shared) life the person offers you. Who needs extra work? No one. Not you. Who wants it? No one. (Also, I'm cracking up about the bus. Who has a bus?! Why?!) I really think this has a lot more to do with him than you. "It's not me, it's you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 The bus has beds, kitchen etc in it. lol...It's a greyhound bus from the 70s. So I say "Ok....let's take the bus and travel cross country we can park it at campgrounds for the night...shower, etc. he says it's too hard on gas (well duh)...So I say "Sell it". But he doesn't. Still pays a mortgage on an empty house (been empty for 2 years) Hasn't tried to sell it. I don't want to tear him apart...he's nice....treats us well...But now....well I am seeing the handwriting on the wall and freaking out a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest look2thesky Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I get the questioning and the pulling back, I seem to do it on a somewhat regular basis. It is so very different to take 2 adults who have preexisting lives and try to mesh them together. You have worked hard to establish a life for you and your children that works for you and you have complete control over. Maybe it's red flags about compatibility or maybe it's you not being willing to compromise certain things at this point in your life. Take your time and see where your feelings lead you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 He drains my energy. Home repair.....he acted like he could fix anything....paid someone finally to fix my toilet and dishwasher. Bought new dryer. He tore some kind of piping out of the basement ceiling... Said he could help replace the drop ceiling in the basement...my 12yr old ended up doing it. I don't care so much that he can't do those things....but don't act like you can when you can't. I know he was trying to impress me but the real person always comes out. I used to be that way....now I am upfront from the beginning. Oh and acted like he was an outdoorsmen....has never camped. Wants me to show him how. Shit...I know the outcome here......but I suck at this!!! Good sex and money only go so far (I know it bugs him that I don't care about money...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest marian1953 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 We should hijak that bus for a rolling widdabago! Sugarbell, you are one of the strongest, independent persons I have ever known! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Believe it or not, you and I are sort of on the same page, Sugarbell. I'm not with anyone now, so I guess we're not on the EXACT same page, and I'm not into sex with men either, so perhaps we're on a different chapter, but hear me out... I've become comfortable with just myself and the kids and anytime a friend points someone out to me I immediately start thinking of reasons why it wouldn't work. The weird thing is, unlike what I've gathered from your posts, I would actually very much like to get married again and 'play house', as you so eloquently put it. So it's what I want, but I'm doing just about nothing to achieve what I want. Strange, huh? I think I began 'the hunt' too early in the process, burned myself out looking, and now I'm just not very impressed by what's out there. Well, whatever you decide, please know that you'll get no ((hugs)) from me! :-\ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I don't care so much that he can't do those things....but don't act like you can when you can't. I know he was trying to impress me but the real person always comes out. So concur. It's most impressive (to me) when someone is baseline honest about their strengths or shortcomings, even if it's a bit embarrassing for them....why do people feel the need to erect an image of themselves? Facades do not last, and when they are dropped, it sullies established trust in the relationship because you begin to question whether or not every thing else he/she had to say was also an embellishment. You're a smart, observant cookie; you'll know what to do and when to do it. Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 Serpico-I don't need ((((Hugs)))).....Think I need a swift kick in the ass! Because I am wimpy at ending things :-[ And I am aggravated at myself that I let this happen. But my kids aren't attached....things are stable...just don't like hurting people. Cause he is a great person...I just don't think he's great for me. Hijacking the bus sounds fun!!!!! It's pretty greyhound 70s. Only 8m per gallon...but that would be fun!!!! Even my boys said when they saw this thing parked at a campground "Uh....Why does he have that thing if he's not going to drive it?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest marian1953 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 ;D We will all pitch in for gas! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 Maybe he will give me a deal on the bus?? Y'all think I am joking.... And we could blare disco music as we travel from town to town! My daughter would love it. My sons would be absolutely mortified. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 Boogie Shoes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lmsmdm Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 We should hijak that bus for a rolling widdabago! Sugarbell, you are one of the strongest, independent persons I have ever known! I like this idea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 Count me in! I'm picturing the Partridge Family bus only way cooler. With cocktails. And better music. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 We could start a commune and pick people up as we go. lol They do have a plot of land in Northern Cali for communal living started in the 60s. At least the documentary of Netflix made ne think they did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lmsmdm Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I know the feeling of not wanting to hurt somebody. I am in a similar situation, but I'm in way deeper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest IronBear Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I have never been any good at the relationship thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest AC Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I'm standin on the corner... WHERE ARE Y'ALL??? Hugs to all - wish this were all easier... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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