Wonder if I am cut out for a relationship.

[Baylee627]

Suh-weet! Definitely in, so I hope that bus will be headed south. I'll grab my boots and a bottle of Patron and hop aboard.

 

I could do with a couple cocktails and carefree dancing!

 

Baylee

[Guest AC]

To the lovely ladies and gents who KNOW the relationship isn't right the way it is and are needing a swift kick in the arse - I ask you to simply consider this:  Perhaps the kindest and most caring thing you can possibly do is to

 

[move]GET ER DONE[/move]. 

 

You know?  Whether that means ending it or setting clearer boundaries.  Like ripping off the band-aid.  It may sound harsh, but it is my personal opinion that for many people they would rather know the truth, lick their wounds, and move on.  Just a thought.  Not something I am actually good at in real life.

 

But you are welcome to call and I will yell at ya for a while

[singinmomo4]

Sugarbell, you will be right for the relationship thing when the right man comes along.  Someone else has probably said this but I didn't feel like reading through all the replies.

[Guest nonesuch]

I think you are cut out for a relationship.

 

The thing with us is, we've had relationships, and we know what makes them work or not work.  Once one has done that, the starry-eyed optimism fueled by the naive notion that "love conquers all" is a fond memory, not something we base our next relationship on.

 

Love doesn't conquer all. It just doesn't. There are any number of people I care about who have annoying habits, or perhaps severe deficits in their characters, but if I'm not that person's life partner / spouse / consort / I don't have to deal with it.  I just don't  lend my friend a car or money, and if he's telling his landlord "I'll do repairs and you can take it off my rent" and he lays about like a slug all weekend, what's it to me?

 

A friend told me after Hubby died, that she adored her own husband, but if anything ever happened to him she didn't foresee ever marrying again.  The effort involved in maintaining another relationship just wasn't something she thought she'd do again.

 

As far as honesty goes, my theory is that Facebook has spawned  the idea of image crafting.  People start to believe their own postings.

[Sugarbell]

Everytime I try to back : away my phone crashes.

 

Seriously...I have been through more phone cords chargers than I can count.

 

About a month ago I went back to phone store and they sold me 2 more cords equipped better for the IPhone 5/6

Like when I charge it...it shows up that the cord isn't charging the phone when it's plugged in.

Every single time. My energy field is screwy and drains my phone and other electronics....but the phone is the most noticeable.

 

Told him I need time...there is no one else. He knows I am weird. Lol

 

My girlfriend last night just wants me to keep having sex (my 2.5 year celibate stage worried her) She said "It's on Maslows pyramid...it's a basic need line water and food"

 

But my close friends are weird too like me.

[ieh21]

It does sound like it's specific to the man. I had a friend who spent his early thirties trying to convince me he was different from all of us who were getting married. It caused him great pain, but he was convinced he wasn't cut out for marriage. Until he found the right person. One of my ex, same story, different focus. Kept telling me and his other ex that body image was super important to him, we had gained a bit of weight and we were promptly dumped. He was worried about being shallow, even as he definitely was. He ended up marrying a woman who is obese, loves her and has a life that he would never give up.

 

We always think that there is something wrong with relationships, because it's so much easier that to admit that the relationship in front of us is wrong. And maybe in your case it's just wrong because people have different expectations. You've been taking care of many people for a long time. It's normal you don't want to take care of him, even in small ways like teaching him to camp. I think we might all be craving intimacy, but we also crave a shared workload. Because we're exhausted doing it on our own. And if there's not that payback in a relationship, is the intimacy worth it? I think that's the subtext.

 

on top of that, you talk a lot about the Stepfords in your neighborhood. You are clearly not one of them. Yet from what you describe, it sounds like that may be what *he* wants. Housework means "taking out the trash". Shared responsibility means "I provide money". You know that this is not what you want, so if this relationship does indeed offer that vision of relationships, then it's not yours...

[mmg19]

Wow!  This thread is going in lots of directions.  I'm only just at the point of contemplating the possibility of a relationship.  So no relationship comments from me.  BUT your friend's advice about keep having sex because of Maslow's hierarchy is classic high school psychology.  That was a basic need when there was an instinct to procreate or reproduce.  Doesn't hold water with self-actualization in further advanced studies dealing with success, happiness, loving socialization, creativity, and most of what makes us uniquely human. 

 

The bus and a bunch of widowswidowers is cracking me up. Sense of humor is a need.

[Sugarbell]

Yes!! I was thinking that too...The top of the pyramid is self actualization and that's what I have been working towards. So it didn't make sense to me that if sex is a bottom pyramid need...how can I be striving for the top.

 

He's not over obnoxious about money..His Mom became widowed when he was 7...with 6 kids so he grew up rough. But he does use it in subtle ways. (he's one of the head financial officers are a large university...and repeatedly let's me know that kids/step kids go tuition free...Yeah...me with 3 kids...of course I worry about sending them to college-Of course he's at an Ohio school and my kids may want to go to WV school anyway)

 

He picked up that I wasn't impressed with the sports cars (just not me)

 

So he buys a beefy truck.

 

And he's an hour away which is nice...

 

But I don't want to be a housewife. I don't like to cook or wait on an adult man. DH and I....our relationship was not that way at all. My Mom and Dad were not that way at all. I assumed all marriages were that way. It's been a rude awakening the past 7 years....that it isn't the norm. Traditional roles still exist with many households.

 

And I really to want to do a traveling bago on the groovy bus. It sleeps at least 8!

[Mizpah]

But I don't want to be a housewife. I don't like to cook or wait on an adult man. DH and I....our relationship was not that way at all. My Mom and Dad were not that way at all. I assumed all marriages were that way. It's been a rude awakening the past 7 years....that it isn't the norm. Traditional roles still exist with many households.

 

Yes yes yes yes yes

[Captains wife]

Liked your comments Sugarbell....so hard to know if its "right"....and so hard to find something that is 100% "right". Sounds like in your case time will tell. I am also terrible at breaking up with people - hate confrontation.

 

On a slightly different tangent, I personally wish I was at the point where I didnt care if I had a man in my life and was completely independent. But I do hear you on the "taking care of someone" - we have enough people to take care of...us and our kids.

[Guest marian1953]

I so get this housewife shit! I had to laugh when I read that because I had to give Mike the "get this about me" talk again about "cooking". I am a damn good cook, but don't "expect" me to cook- he wasn't kidding when he said recently, jeez, you really aren't domestic, are you? I worked 3 jobs at the college, was gone 12 hours ata a time. We compromised and divided - that was me and Pete.. Mike told me he hates housework- I really don't know too people that do! Anyway, he is vacuming the downstairs and washing floors, so just wanted to throw that out in order to not scare people away from new relationships!

Marian

[Mac]

 

But I don't want to be a housewife. I don't like to cook or wait on an adult man. DH and I....our relationship was not that way at all. My Mom and Dad were not that way at all. I assumed all marriages were that way. It's been a rude awakening the past 7 years....that it isn't the norm. Traditional roles still exist with many households.

 

DW and I had a partnership on so many levels. It worked well for us for 28 years.

[RobFTC]

But I don't want to be a housewife. I don't like to cook or wait on an adult man. DH and I....our relationship was not that way at all. My Mom and Dad were not that way at all. I assumed all marriages were that way. It's been a rude awakening the past 7 years....that it isn't the norm. Traditional roles still exist with many households.

 

True dat.  Michelle's family never "got" us, we split as much as possible right down the middle.  We took turns being "on duty" with the kids after I was done with my day job, and if I was not on duty, I was cooking dinner and taking care of other stuff.  My parents had evolved into something like that, so it seemed fine to me (except for my sore lazy bone :-)

 

Take care,

Rob T

[klim]

Just gotta pipe in... I really like taking care of someone else. it's actually one thing I miss

 

 

.............the trick is they also have to like taking care of me. another thing I miss

 

I think that's the best kinda relationship for me.

[Sugarbell]

I think if I wasn't taking care of 3 young people and all the shuttling around, meals, laundry, cleaning, yard work, bills, health insurance and trying to keep a full time job I might feel differently.

 

Not to mention dealing with 2 full sets of grandparents and a crazy brother that are here every weekend and I get to play diplomat. I am tapped out in that department.

 

I am independent...I like my men independent. It's a rare thing to find around here I am learning.

[Guest IronBear]

I am independent...I like my men independent. It's a rare thing to find around here I am learning.

 

I need my space and will go days without calling you. Maybe even a week or more. Howz that sound? 

[Mac]

Fairly early on after Cindy passed several different people said to me: "Many men remarry within the 1st couple of years, but we don't see you doing that. Cindy and you were such a great couple but you were both so independent."

 

The woman that I am dating now has a very full life and is rather independent. She does things with her daughters and their families. She is involved in a variety of activities and has many friends. I really like that!

 

It's quite a departure from the woman that I was in a relationship with for 7 months. It's a departure, at least to this degree, from the other women that I have dated. It's one of the things that I find so attractive about her.

[Guest look2thesky]

Yes independence.

5 years working on it and i don't see it changing.

[66etype]

SB... maybe it's just not the right fucking thing.. You sound so different than him. I don't think it would work even if you didn't have children. Just my opinion. I know you're from a small town. He's out there somewhere!

 

Tracy

[BrokenHeart2]

Wow. Great thread. All over the place. I'm not anywhere near dating but I like to cook, not that it matters. SB trust your gut and you'll know what to do.  I think you already know that though you're just putting thought out there to confirm it.

Hugs

 

[Trying]

Independent is definitely more sexy than needy.  I find I like doing small things for mew guy because he's never had anyone do for him and he is always surprised and appreciative of the small gestures.  He doesn't ask for or need anything from me but time.  Being a busy working mom I only have time for the small gesture and I am pulled in many other directions by neediness so,it works well.

 

Great guys aren't always a great fit for everyone and sometimes it comes down to the time in your life too.  Good luck figuring out what is best for you. 

[Virgo]

A lot of good points shared! Dating after being widowed is so different. There is a lot to factor in. I'm to the point that I would like to start dating, but I'm not being proactive about it. The few single men that I know have dropped subtle hints, but then there's that widow stigma. I don't know. Maybe I should do the asking instead of waiting for them to ask me out.

 

I enjoyed pampering my husband because it was reciprocated. I did the majority of the domestic duties, but it wasn't because he refused to. It's just what worked for us. We all know that once you're on your own you realize everything that your spouse took care of. It's a team effort, or at least it should be!!

 

SB-I had to laugh when you mentioned him bragging about being a handyman, but then not being able to fix anything. Why do men try to 'sell themselves.' Just be yourself. Actions speak louder than words anyway. It sounds like he is a good man, just not the man for you.

[Guest look2thesky]

Some might think that it's easy to just break off a relationship and walk away but I think there's more involved.

If we're seeing someone out of lonliness that's one thing, and certainly if chemistry is not right, then it might be easier. Some stay because maybe we are used to having seone else around. I think it differs vastly upon age, and circumstances. If for just sex sometimes, what's wrong with that ? Or companionship. Or whatever other reasons people connect. If he's a great guy, but you don't see a future, whatever one decides is possibly the right thing to do. I have always been in a commited relationship, and not used to thIs new "dating around" scene. But I need my independence. If it's not ok with my "person of interest", I would fully understand them not wanting to remain with me as it is. Relationships are as unique as the people involved. I see nothing wrong with just wanting to tone things down, without the need to end what someone sees as what works for them. Took a long while to realize I am not going to find what I had, when I was married.

[Sugarbell]

He's slick and smart....We have cooled things down a little...he's not interested in anyone else nor am I.

 

He even said to me "I know I am your first relationship since you got clean after your long break and you are still getting used to the ideA".

 

He's been single for 15 years...but has had relationships....but wouldn't totally commit. He was used to being the player (and admitted that 2 were married women years ago...but it was easier cause they would always leave, expected nothing and kept it quiet. I don't judge that was years ago..and I certainly am no Angel in my past.

 

And he knows I don't want to get married anytime soon (like for a decade lol)...

 

Time will tell. Back to turtle slow.

[SimiRed]

Great thread!! 

 

I'm not cut out for the housewife crap either... problem is, I'm stuck doing it cause I "stay home all day".  Wish I would've seen what you seen Sugarbell and just kept the sex!!

 

Oh.. If ya'll are making a Bago Bus route, add me to the list!!