double widow baby and photos of lost loves

[Mizpah]

Widower Baby Daddy and I have a daughter who's turning one next week.  She's of course not cognizant now, but in one area of the house, we have some photos of me and DH, and of him and DW.  I'm not saying I think we should wipe out all evidence of our former lives, but I *do* worry that seeing photos of us so happy with other people could have a strange and confusing and potentially upsetting/"bummer" effect on our daughter.  I don't want her to think, for example, that either of us wish we were with our old love and don't love each other, essentially wishing away her existence.  I suppose this is a question for a child psychologist (or for the young widowed parents section??? but she's not DW or DH's kid so...), but I'm curious about your thoughts on this.  I've thought about packing it all away.  I've thought about leaving it all out.  I've thought about choosing one photo of me and DH and one of him and DW, and putting it in a frame with a quote (from i carry your heart) and keeping it somewhere non-conspicuous in our bedroom or somewhere away from public areas....  I feel torn between honoring THEM and prioritizing our present life/family.  Anyone have insight/wisdom/experience/child psychology expertise?

[NoKindaDancer]

Hmmmm. I think it's fine to keep and display proudly old pics of y'all's previous marriages. It is part of your family history and your daughters. As she grows you can tell her more of who was in the picture and what they meant to you. She will learn how big your heart is. Speaking as a pediatrician, I don't think this exposure will confuse your daughter. Just like i have pictures with my parents or sister or cousins who are part of my family, I think totally normal to have pics of deceased spouse even if they weren't the parent.

[calimom]

First of all, Mizpah, happy birthday wishes to the big girl! 

 

Just wondering if you've ever seen this essay from Slate's Emily Yoffe:

 

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2011/05/my_husbands_other_wife.html

 

There's a great quote from it:  "All of us exist because of a series of tragedies and flukes."  Pretty true.  I love the generosity of spirit shown by her towards her husband's late first wife (and even admissions of slight jealousy), and the generosity shown by the late wife's parents toward the new baby, who at 8 feels she has two mothers.

 

Best wishes!

[serpico]

...but I *do* worry that seeing photos of us so happy with other people could have a strange and confusing and potentially upsetting/"bummer" effect on our daughter.

 

This would likely only happen if things weren't explained to her, which I'm sure isn't the case.  I think as she gets older, it will be more of a 'hey, this is sorta unique and cool' quality that she'll be proud of.  And she should be!

[Guest mawidow]

This is a great topic. Happy Birthday to la infanta!

 

One of my favorite psychological principles comes from Jung (paraphrase): nothing has a greater effect on the child than the unlived life of the parent.

 

So, based on that, the best thing we can do is: 1) do our own grief work and embrace our past, present, and future. 2) share our story with our kids in a very well-digested way because we have done our own work. 3) love them to the moon and back because we have invested in our own self love and other love relationships.

 

There is some tricky territory, because you will want to reassure her that you and her dad will love her forever and are not going anywhere anytime soon. I think it would be too destabilizing to let her think that her parents, too, could die at any moment. I'm sure a child psych person has some good language for talking about that. And depending on your comfort level with "guardian angels" or whatever language works, it is lovely for her to have a sense that the other spouses in those pictures love her, too.

 

To me, your story is not a bummer but a spiritual lesson about how life is not supposed to be comfortable or give us what we want all the time. That's what makes life special, worth savoring and being grateful for. Life is about loving with all you've got, because that is the most important gift we have to share.

 

Just rambling here... sending care.

[Neverthesame]

No experience or expertise here, but I was trying to think about how I would feel if I were growing up in your daughter's shoes. I don't think having a few pictures around would have a profound effect on me. My outlook would be based more on how my parents acted like they felt about each other and our family. Just my thoughts.

 

Edited to add: I do think it says a lot about your love for your daughter to be concerned about something like that.

 

Bill

[Laurel]

This is my first post here, but I was a member at YWBB if anyone remembers me. My DH and I are both widowed and had no kids with our late spouses. We now have two kids together. There are a few pictures of Suzy and Nick around the house and when we talk about them with the kids, we call them Aunt Suzy and Uncle Nick. They've met Suzy's mom and sister and Nick's parents and brothers. I think it's just their version of normal. They're six and four right now, so I'm sure they'll have more questions as they get older and we'll have to deal with those on an age-appropriate basis as they come up.

[anniegirl]

As Laurel says, this is your dd's version of normal and normal varies from family to family. If you and your partner treat this as a given, she will too.

 

The mother of an old high school friend was widowed before marrying my friend's dad. There was a picture of him on the family photo wall as long as she could remember. She thought it was cool.

 

My daughter takes for granted her extended family that includes my husband's late wife's family. It is all cousins and such to her. She has no difficulty with it and as for the sadness, according to my child, "People die. There's nothing you can do about it." She's seen a lot of it in her short life but aside from her rather matter-of-fact take, she isn't prone to upset or melancholia. It's just life to her.

 

Kids take there cues from us.