Wheelerswife Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Ah, widow and board conversation, Jess! You were gracious to indulge me! I hope the next weeks go as well as they can for you and those you love. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lcoxwell Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Maureen, I am thinking of you, as you continue your travels, spend time with your niece, and visit various widows/widowers along the way. I really wish I had the chance to meet up with you, as you travel through Southern California. I'm sorry your John is not with you to enjoy the adventure and to share the experience. I admire you, for bringing your niece along and letting her see some of the country, while still dealing with grief. When you speak of crying quietly, my heart breaks for you. I have spent so many times in the last 15 months, enjoying activities in the presence of others, when the grief would hit. I , too, have tried to hide the tears. This is such a difficult path to follow, but follow we must. Safe travels to you. (((Hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 ((((Maureen))))) When you mention crying softly, I'm right there with you. It's so unfair, and I would give anything to change it for you. Hold on, sweetie. One more day. We keep getting through, right? Breathing with you... more hugs, Jen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Checking in from just north of the Grand Canyon. I'm in a bit of a funk. Today makes 18 months since John died. I've been driving through some awesome terrain (who knew just how extensive this amazing geology was?) and John would have just loved this road trip. I'm missing him in so many ways. Since leaving Phoenix, we have been in San Clemente, CA, where my niece got to meet an internet friend. Then I managed to breathe my way through the LA traffic and get to the home of old board wid my4littleangels. She became my angel, because she and her brood entertained my niece and me and even drove us into LA so that my niece could see the Hollywood Walk of Fame and the Hollywood sign. We also went to Venice Beach and drove along the Pacific Coast Highway. Yesterday, we parted that little resort (hey, a trampoline and a pool/hot tub is a resort, right?) and we drove to Vegas for my niece's second request for the road trip. I was able to get a really reasonable rate at a big hotel and we even squeezed in a show. This morning we took off for the north rim of the Grand Canyon. We are both a little tired. I'm trying not to be obvious, but I keep tearing up. I keep thinking about the wonderful experiences John and I had together. We would stand on a beach or look out at an awesome view, or check out the plants....and stand next to each other in a sweet embrace and marvel at the natural beauty we saw. In some ways, I think I am completing this road trip because of the unfinished plans we had to travel together. He's with me..well, half of him, in a fine cedar box that I will leave in northern California in 12 days. Maybe this will help me start to live without him. I don't know. All I know is that it hurts and I really miss him. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Just want to tell you I'm mentally wrapping you in huge squishy hugs. Cry as much as you need to, and be super gentle with yourself. I know it hurts-- I hurt for you. I'm so, so sorry. Thinking of you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Maureen, sending you a great big HUG!! John would be amazingly proud of you and all you have done for him! Yes, it hurts, I am glad you have your niece with you, and of course Rosie! So very proud of you! Lots of love on your journey! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Okay...check in from Montana. Since leaving the Grand Canyon, we have driven through Utah and into Idaho, then to Grand Teton National Park and Yellowstone National Park. I've now hit 49 of 50 US states in my lifetime. Today, we met up with 2 former students of John's, one of whom is working on her PhD. They are sisters. John and I traveled with one to Peru and John traveled with the PhD student to Germany to present at an international conference 3 years ago. It was good to see them again, as it had been a year since the youngest graduated from our university. They are a connection to John, with stories to tell that I hadn't heard before. My niece's maternal grandparents joined us today for lunch and a drive through the National Bison Range. We saw lots of wildlife, including a black bear, a lot of bison, some elk, mule deer, white-tailed deer and antelope. The connection with her grandparents was unexpected, as they were supposed to be on a road trip from New York State to Alaska, but decided to turn back in Montana when her grandfather began having vision problems. He lost an eye in a childhood accident and started having difficulties 5 days ago with his only eye. Fortunately, he saw an ophthalmologist today who assured him the problem was more annoying than serious, but they have decided that a drive to Alaska is just too much. Next year, they will book an extended cruise vacation instead. So...we had the chance to catch them and my niece got to share some of her excitement about her trip with them. Tomorrow, we head up to Glacier National Park, then westward into Washington and Oregon in the coming days. I seem to be past the recent funk, and I am taking advantage of enjoying some good days. Till later... Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donswife Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Hi sounds like such a sweet adventure and even with the moments of sadness missing your copilot and love, John Montana was one of don and I favorite trips Take a deep "big sky" breath of fresh air for me made you believe in the wonder of the world in the beautiful landscapes My don was a huge fly fisherman so to be able to cast in the gorgeous waters in Montana was a dream come true he also got to go salmon fishing in Alaska Can't wait to here more about you trip take care and have safe travels Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Pics on FB look so fabulous. What a great adventure - and what a great adventure you are creating for your niece. Glad you are past your recent "funk" - I can imagine the many places you are visiting can be very triggering. But you keep soldiering on.....All the best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Everything sounds so amazing. I think I've been to a whopping 5 or 6 states. Probably never will go any farther so I'm enjoying your stories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 Waking up this morning in a hotel in the Idaho panhandle. I ended up driving for hours through no-man's (well, no woman's) land to find a settlement of more than 10 people so I could find a hotel for the night. Spent yesterday at Glacier National Park...just absolutely spectacular. It rivals Alaska with it's glacial valley scenes. I was really missing John throughout the drive and having to really rein in my angst, lest I take it out on my niece, who at 14 1/2, doesn't have passion for much of anything (but music) and I just wish she'd be inspired more! In one week I will be interring John's ashes. I didn't realize when I started out (on this trip) that carrying his ashes along on this 30 state road trip would turn out to be so symbolic of what we had wished for ourselves. This country is amazingly beautiful, and for someone who spent much of her life on the east coast and the last almost 5 years in Kansas, I am seeing just how much of the really awesome beauty is in the places I'd never seen. There are so many awesomely beautiful landforms in our own US of A that many people never get to see. They really can't be captured adequately in pictures (at least with my niece behind the camera as I am driving!) We will spend the next few days exploring the beauty of Washington and Oregon before settling into far northern California and preparing for the interment. I'm not sure what to expect on the emotional spectrum here. I'm afraid of a meltdown, quite honestly. I've survived them before. My anxiety is rising again. I'm getting heart palpitations on trying to go to sleep at night. I haven't had any outright panic attacks and I don't think my niece is recognizing my anxiety. My dog is starting to stay a bit closer. Sigh. I just have to keep breathing through this. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hachi Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Maureen, I am so glad you have Rosie with you. I don't miss the anxiety attacks, and the helpful "you just need to relax" comments when I was feeling like I was going to crawl out of my skin. I can so relate to your feeling of missing John as you explore these places. I had similar feelings on my trip, and scattering his remains in the places he meant to take me to was heart-wrenching. I don't think I felt that I was leaving him behind, so much as wistful about how it might have been had we been there together as we had intended. Please don't blame your niece too much for the pictures. The Grand Canyon was beyond words to describe and I don't think even the most professional photos I have seen succeed in capturing the absolute glory of the place. Thinking of you on your journey, Maureen (( ))'s.. BTW, don't let your nieces appearance of lack of inspiration fool you. 14 year olds rarely reveal what is really going on in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Hugs Maureen!! I am glad you are taking the time to do this journey! John would be so amazingly proud of you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biscuit Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I love the fact that you are taking this journey for the two of you. It sounds like an amazing journey to see the beauty of the country. I know panic attacks really suck, hopefully the anxiety will lessen soon, stay strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 Ready to leave Oregon. Since my last post, we spent some time with little internet and cell service, but saw Mount Rainier, Mount Adams and Mount St. Helen's, some elk at our lodge and some bald eagles flying overhead. We spent a little time in Portland, OR (I'm really not a city kid!) and then on to southern Oregon. Today, we saw the beauty of Crater Lake. I'm at the end of the National Parks tour and preparing myself to slide into Humboldt County, CA, where some of the best herbals are grown, but I have a 14 year old niece with me.... I wish I could just sleep through the next week. Sigh. Feeling overwhelmed and sad. I'm trying to decide what to say during the interment service. The plan is to have it be quite simple. My BIL made the video for John's memorial service...a long 15 minutes...and almost completely left Cheryl (John's late wife) out of the video. (He put in a wedding picture of John with his first wife...a short marriage...to someone who doesn't even know John is dead. Yet he left out the woman he loved deeply...) I feel like I need to make a statement about his love for her and his desire to have half of his ashes buried with her. I haven't yet formulated everything I need to/want to say. I guess I need to think more on that. I didn't say anything at John's memorial service 18 months ago. I feel as though I want to say something now, too, about my loss. It all feels confusing. What do I say? Argh! Thanks for listening. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Maureen, speak from your heart and you will honor John, his life and your amazing love. I am sure that the anticipation of the interment service had been weighing on you this entire trip. I hope you have some down time after to be alone with your thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Maureen, Your words will be for John, not for you (cause you're made that way) and I know you will know what to do and say. So, my dearest friend, Maureen, I hope you know how amazing your husband thought you were and how much he believed in you. I hope you know that you can do anything you set your mind to. I know that the ?goodbye? was so incredibly hard, but I hope you can see the gift in knowing that nothing was left unsaid. You were complete, you made John complete. A love so rare and true. Love and hugs to you, I will continue to hold you in my heart in the coming days ahead. Please know that you are held in the hearts of many and we are here to help you in any way we can in the coming days. I love you, my friend...J and I love you very much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted July 22, 2015 Author Share Posted July 22, 2015 In northern California, with friends who knew John and Cheryl, friends who have known loss...a 23 year old son who died 18 years ago. Still, I'm falling apart. We keep trying to talk about what we want to do for the interment service...I keep clamming up and collapsing into tears. Tomorrow, 3 PM. I don't even know where to start. I planned a 2 hour memorial service back at the university after he died (18 months ago) but I can't seem to be able to pull together a 15 minute interment ritual? My anxiety is up. My BIL/SIL are coming into town this evening, along with John's step-son and step-granddaughter. I'm concerned with his brother/SIL, who didn't understand boundaries in my house after John died. Sigh. I know it will be over in 2 days. I really just wish I never had a reason to be in this position. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Sorry Maureen - hugs from the East Coast. This is ALOT that you are dealing with....John seems like such a lovely man and I can imagine how much you miss him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 {{{Hugs}}} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeanGenie Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Maureen, By now your BIL/SIL have arrived and I'm hoping you are somehow forging ahead through these next few days. What you want to say at the internment will come to you, even if it's last minute. You will speak from the heart. Sending virtual {{hugs}} for strength and support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Big hugs Maureen. You will Get through this with grace and tears and your love with John shining through. There is no right or wrong way, there is just your way in the moment. The anticipation has been building up for so long, and I know for me that adds to the panic. You have all of our virtual support for this big step. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hachi Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Will be thinking of you today, Maureen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DonnaP Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Words are so hard to craft at moments like this, when the breath just seems to catch in our throats. Just say that John was loved, SO very much, first by Cheryl, and then, by you. And in the few short years you had together, you created a beautiful life together and experienced so much together--from the trips you took to the quiet times spent at home, just the two of you sharing your most intimate thoughts and dreams! You two lived more fully than many people who are together for their entire lives. You made every moment count. You filled his last years with so much joy. And you will miss him, and love him for the remainder of your time here on Earth. John was a lucky man. To have been loved so well and so fully. It is truly tragic that his life had to be cut short when he had so much still to do. HUGS sweetie, Love you! Donna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swilson Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 {hug} Maureen -thinking of you on this day positive thoughts for your strength, comfort and peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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