is dating a widow really better or really worse? or both

[Guest nonesuch]

I dont know if those who are single or divorced will be able to realize that you never stop loving a lost loved one.

 

As someone whose marriage was less than ideal, I can tell you that even though I considered divorcing my husband, i still loved him. i used to think that divorced people don't love one another any more. That's not necessarily true. My husband told me of his terminal illness the same day I made the decision to divorce my him.  I couldn't live with his alcoholism any more, but I had never stopped loving him  People need to remember, too, that not all divorced people wanted the divorce.

 

 

 

[Mac]

I've gone out mainly with divorced women, including one that I was in a 7 month long relationship with. She wasn't threatened by DW. One woman that I went out with 4 times certainly was, ultimately that was the deal breaker.

 

I've been going out with a widow for awhile now. Things are going well. It is so wonderful to be with someone where we have that commonality of experience. Married for many years to someone that we loved so much. Great family life then and now. We both are interested in knowing about each other's departed spouse. There is nothing uncomfortable about talking about them.

 

I remember how great it was when I first connected with widowed people in person. Bagos and other group situations. Wow! Such an amazing feeling. Although our experiences are different, to have that commonality and understanding. To be able to share and to feel so relaxed around each other.

 

So for me, being in a romantic relationship with a widow is a wonderful thing for so many reasons! Sharing the goodness of life in this "new life" together.

 

Still going out with her. This is still so true!

[Gabzmom]

I have dated a few people.  What I found was that I needed the person that I dated or spent time with to understand I was a single mom and I am very committed in ensuring that my daughter finds her sea legs, so to speak.  I have met some very selfish men and I have met some very nice, compassionate men as well. 

 

I did start dating a widower and we have much in common.  We can share fond memories of our respective spouses and still enjoy our "present."  He's out only a year, but she was terminally ill for so very long - he said he felt he had grieved through her illness.  I don't necessarily understand it, but learning how he stood by her side for over a decade increased my respect for him immensely.  His daughter is older - mid 30's - he had her at 21 and I had DD at 38ish - so our children are 20 years apart. 

 

The nice thing about this is that he is so willing to be flexible and patient with my schedule with my career outside and in the home.  He is very supportive of both me and my daughter.  For now it's good.  We enjoy each other's company - is it forever?  Not even sure yet. 

[DonnaP]

"but there's that other side to being a widow which makes us more like damaged goods."

 

You don't know how many times I have thought this. I have also thought about how at least I was a good wife, had a good relationship, but the damaged part outweighs the good stuff in my mind. Why would any guy in his right mind want to take this on? Who actually falls in love with someone who can't give them their whole heart because it's been broken and part of it belongs to someone else? I know it happens, obviously, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. Who will ever love me knowing that he will always be in my heart?

But maybe for others the good parts of us outweighs the bad, the damaged.

I'm not even a year out yet, so I probably shouldn't post in this section as it doesn't pertain to me, however I like to read the topics here as it does give me hope.

Just rambling about something that I don't know anything about, as usual the damaged part struck a chord because that is exactly how I feel.

 

Ramble away if you like... this is a "no-judgement" zone

 

My current husband is widowed just like me. We have often joked that we are like two broken puzzle pieces from two different puzzles that happen to fit pretty well together. It's a metaphor that actually works. So, I say, yes, we are damaged, and yes our hearts were/are broken, but we still have a great capacity to love and can bring a lot to a new relationship. In our case, our love feels like it may even be stronger than our first loves, precisely BECAUSE we lost so much, and the first loves remain a part of the new bond, if that makes any sense. It's exponential, like love squared. LOVE to the fourth power. Something like that.

[Alexsander]

I shed so many tears regretting every little fight with DW... because they robbed me at least a few minutes of quality time with her. Now I'm more tolerant. Way more tolerant. She crashed the car? Fine. She set the house on fire but nobody is hurt? No biggie.

 

And yes, we all cry sometimes. They must deal with it.

[Captains wife]

I really realised this past weekend its both - I really embrace the more patient, more emotionally open person I have become over the past 3 years. HOWEVER, my mood swings are bad post widow and I tend to take this out on people in negative ways, including the person I am dating right now. My insecurity and fear of loss post widow seems WAY worse now too....I can flip out over very small things in my relationship these days, when my partner's intentions are actually good. I think new guy is struggling to deal with this. But then again so am I......Sigh....