is dating a widow really better or really worse? or both

[maddalena]

At first I thought my widowed status was sort of a good thing. I had  a little extra money than the average single gal, I had never been divorced, but had lived through 35 years of marriage, and learned a helluva lot, I knew how to please a man, take care of a man, be the best nurse a man could have... with credentials like that... well.

 

but there's that other side to being a widow which makes us more like damaged goods.

 

I still dream about him. I still mourn him.. Even sometimes I cry. Even sometimes, while having just had a nice day with New Guy, I find myself missing DH....

what the heck is wrong with me? I've got this great, loving, ALIVE man... and i still miss my dead husband..

 

I am very fortunate, new guy is very patient and understanding, even though he certainly couldn't REALLY understand because the only persons he's ever lost to death were his grandparents. (yes, he still has both parents!)

 

your thoughts? add to my craziness...

[Wheelerswife]

maddalena,

 

I always missed my first husband, and my second husband always missed his late wife.  That was okay with us.  Right now, my grief is much more acute for my second husband, practically overshadowing the grief for my first husband.  Still, I miss them both.  I don't think you are crazy.

 

Maureen

[maddalena]

aw, I think about you a lot Maureen... "it isn't fair" comes to mind, but you know, that's just silly. thanks for posting.

[widowat33]

"but there's that other side to being a widow which makes us more like damaged goods."

 

You don't know how many times I have thought this. I have also thought about how at least I was a good wife, had a good relationship, but the damaged part outweighs the good stuff in my mind. Why would any guy in his right mind want to take this on? Who actually falls in love with someone who can't give them their whole heart because it's been broken and part of it belongs to someone else? I know it happens, obviously, but I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. Who will ever love me knowing that he will always be in my heart?

But maybe for others the good parts of us outweighs the bad, the damaged.

I'm not even a year out yet, so I probably shouldn't post in this section as it doesn't pertain to me, however I like to read the topics here as it does give me hope.

Just rambling about something that I don't know anything about, as usual the damaged part struck a chord because that is exactly how I feel.

[MissinGrizz]

I still grieve my late husband, but while my new husband knows that's what's happening when I pull back a bit, I try not to dwell on it and move past the moment and enjoy the rest of the day until it happens again. I long for my late husband in a different way now, not so much romantically as missing my friend of two decades and wanting to chat about life and the kids . I also feel badly that he's not enjoying the things I am now, and want to share these experiences.

 

Still, I feel I've learned so much and grown so much that my current husband has a better wife than my late husband does, if that makes sense.

 

I do t know if I'd be better off if my husband was a widower. I think I'd embrace her but also wonder when we were together how often he was thinking of her. I respect my husband so much for being able to navigate all of that.

[Guest nonesuch]

I miss my husband sometimes, and the last few years of our marriage was not that good.  Current Beau is a great man, but there were things LH got about me that CB doesn't.

 

[Trying]

There are definitely pros and cons to dating a widow/er.

 

We don't bring angry bitter exes into the relationship and in the case of those with kids, no co-parenting stress.

 

We have proven we can commit "until death do us part" weathering even difficult times as a couple.

 

We appreciate what we have and who we love because we understand how it can all disappear in a heartbeat.

 

However, a new love knows that we will never stop loving another and that many of us can not say "you are the great love of my life" .  We come with fears about accidents or health issues that can seem irrational to someone who hasn't lost someone, because we know that our worst fears can happen.  We have unpredictable grief triggers that no one can prevent.  Our family and friends may hold our lost loves on a pedestal so that no one else can ever measure up.  In my case, my children are not ready for me to be in a relationship and make things difficult.

 

Hopefully our good outweighs our bad.  When I am feeling guilty about the obstacles my situation brings to our relationship new guy reminds me that it is his choice to be with me and as hard as it can sometimes be he thinks it's worth it.

[IfIonlycould]

I think of course we will still miss them, sometimes more than others as we continue to ride the grief waves...am I "damaged goods"?  Well,  I guess, but I think everyone brings baggage with them to relationships..whether divorced, WIDOWED or never married.  While my BF doesn't mind and will even engage in conversations about my late husband I learned fairly early on in our relationship to take it to my therapist if I was having a particularly hard time.  So sometimes he finds me crying while doing the dishes as I have a memory flash (although not as often as he used to, now I find I smile more at memories) but he also gets the benefits of someone who learned to be a good partner, embraced cooking, can run a household on no sleep, is diplomatic with in laws, and so many other things that I gained during my marriage.  Sometimes I miss life with husband and sometimes I think BF and I are better suited.  Guess I'm in the craziness with you!

[maddalena]

 

 

However, a new love knows that we will never stop loving another and that many of us can not say "you are the great love of my life" .  We come with fears about accidents or health issues that can seem irrational to someone who hasn't lost someone, because we know that our worst fears can happen.  We have unpredictable grief triggers that no one can prevent.  Our family and friends may hold our lost loves on a pedestal so that no one else can ever measure up.  In my case, my children are not ready for me to be in a relationship and make things difficult.

 

yes, this worries my BF. I told him he was the best squeeze ever, and he said, what about DH? won't that make him feel bad?

so i have to tell him. DH was a great hugger, but he wasn't cuddly like you... sigh..

 

 

[maddalena]

 

I'm not even a year out yet, so I probably shouldn't post in this section as it doesn't pertain to me, however I like to read the topics here as it does give me hope.

Just rambling about something that I don't know anything about, as usual the damaged part struck a chord because that is exactly how I feel.

yes, you should be here.  We are all learning from each other!!!!

[Mizpah]

I only know my own experience, and it's based totally in my own personality and my own circumstances and those specific particulars of my partner as well.

 

In my case, it's hard.  It's really hard.  My DH and I and he and his DW were perfect for each other.  We had really good lives and really good situations.  The two of us remaining are very different from each other and from the ideal partners our lost loves were.  I have to admit here that I am extremely jealous of his late fiancee.  Extremely jealous.  It's hard for me to live in the house she lived in.  I think about her constantly, which makes no sense because I never knew her, so I know my idea of her is probably nothing like the real thing.  I compare myself to her.  He compares me to her.  I feel far less loved than I did with my DH (DH and I had an amazing, extraordinary, insanely healthy, and a bit obsessive/worshipful relationship).  He never went to therapy, and his coping mechanisms are extremely stubborn avoidance and denial.  I did tons and tons of therapy and faced it all head-on, thoroughly.  When we got together, he still wasn't ready, though I didn't know it at the time.  He'd never really recovered in any way or found happiness again in himself/his life (now, her family tells me that he was depressed the whole time he was with her and made her miserable).  I had found happiness again.  I spent two years mourning EXTREMELY and then felt alive again, on my own, then we met and got together.  I know for many widow couples it's a bond and a commonality.  For me, it's been almost the opposite.  It's been a wedge, wishing our current lives and relationships resembled our old lives and relationships more in the ways that matter to each of us.  It is HARD.  But I'm jealous and he's not into self-awareness, reflection. 

 

Here's my opinion, for what it's worth: being a widow(er) doesn't change you (just my opinion).  It magnifies who you already were, or parts of who you were (which I suppose is a change of sorts).  Relationships are two people, and the widow aspect is just one.  A relationship between widows will rise or fall based on the personalities, tendencies, habits, compatibilities, etc., of those two people.  Once we're in adulthood and not in our first relationship, aren't we all "damaged goods"?  It's all about how we deal with that damage, how deep the damage was (for example, I think my current relationship is plagued more by his abused childhood than by his widowhood). 

 

Babbling.  Did that make sense? 

[MissinGrizz]

 

However, a new love knows that we will never stop loving another and that many of us can not say "you are the great love of my life" .  We come with fears about accidents or health issues that can seem irrational to someone who hasn't lost someone, because we know that our worst fears can happen.  We have unpredictable grief triggers that no one can prevent.  Our family and friends may hold our lost loves on a pedestal so that no one else can ever measure up.  In my case, my children are not ready for me to be in a relationship and make things difficult.

 

OMG . . . that first one. I felt so awful when my husband said that to me the first time. He didn't miss a beat and said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I know it's not the same for you, and that's okay," which made it even worse. Whenever he says something like that, or how he's "NEVER felt _______," I cringe. I don't want to hurt him. My response now is, "You are the love of this half of my life . . .two very different chapters in my life, one as a 19-40 year old, doing all of the firsts together (job, house, kids), but this one just as important.

 

As for the fear of accidents, interestingly enough we were playing an online version of the Newlywed game last night for fun, and when the question came up, "What is your spouse's greatest fear," he immediately said "death of one of us" (meaning him or the kids). I didn't realize I made it so obvious.

 

As for the not understanding, there are ways to understand without being a widower. He lost his little brother when he was 15, and he was the one pulling him on a sled on an ATV when it happened, so he gets it. He saw his parents grieve, and he still grieves, thirty years later. There are lots of ways people can understand that might not be exactly the same, but still are enough for them to get it.

 

 

[MissinGrizz]

  I think about her constantly, which makes no sense because I never knew her, so I know my idea of her is probably nothing like the real thing.  I compare myself to her.  He compares me to her.

 

It makes perfect sense because you state "HE COMPARES ME TO HER." That is so very wrong and unfair. I'm so sorry.

[Guest TooSoon]

I'm with a widower who I met on ywbb, though it is long distance.  There are some things that we share because we're widowed and raising kids alone.  For instance, we were driving to his home from the airport the first time I went to visit him and he's pointing things out along the way and said, "And thats the cemetery where (late wife) is buried."  There was a pause and then he said, "Weird?"  And I laughed.  Oddly enough not weird at all.  Once when he was here, I got an ear infection and stayed in bed until the Dr. could see me; he played with my 8 year old.  She had only just met him a few days before but told him she wanted to show him her baby books - full of pictures of her, her Dad and me.  It is almost as if our late spouses are the sixth and seventh members of our newly formed unit.  There appears to be no conflict for anyone there.  It just is.  It is just fact.

 

Beyond that though and more seriously when I freak out I never have to explain myself (though I do, profusely) nor do I have to be able to explain each freak out (though I insist on trying) - those things are simply understood. 

 

But I'm still me and he's still him and I would have liked him instantly under other circumstances as well.  Under other circumstances, however, I never would have met him.  So I'm grateful for that.  Now if only he didn't live in England, alas.

[Melbar]

I think it mainly comes down to whether or not you have done the hard grief work, whether widowed or divorced. 

 

I will say that despite the kids being full time, dating a widow or widower with young kids is probably easier than dating a divorcee with young kids, who is still dealing with constant texts and calls and coordinating schedules every day of their life, all of which to some degree is going to bleed over into your relationship.  My status simplifies this so much:  I get a babysitter, I go out, he has my full attention, the end.  Not so much on his part though, where texts or calls from the ex and kids can and do come in at any time.  And because of that, her name comes up 10x more than my late husband's. 

 

So stage of life is also a huge factor in how easy or difficult things can be. 

 

Edited to say that after reading the replies, the "freaking out because you might die" is a biggie for me.  I've actually cried about that, which can't be the most comfortable thing in the world for the person you're with.  The fear and dread of being in that place again has permanently attached itself to all of our hearts, I am sure.

[serpico]

I was recently informed (in a nice way) by the woman I am dating that it unnerved her when I spoke about 'my wife' instead of using my late wife's name.  She suspected it had psychological undertones that indicated I was not ready to move forward.  We had a nice conversation that helped us both, and I've since made sure to use my late wife's name when talking about her.

 

These issues are going to pop up, and it relieved me greatly that she brought it up right away rather than letting it fester.

[Guest mawidow]

I've just moved in with current love (a divorced dad), so am thinking about this A LOT.

 

Agreed 1000% with Melbar: it depends on the grief work I've done. It isn't so much the things that happen to me in life, it's what I do with them that makes all the difference. But a few current realizations:

- being a widow is a bonus because I don't have to do ANY of the stupid sh*t (e.g., being picky or judge-y) I did in my marriage and I can still retain ALL the smart stuff (e.g., being supportive and affectionate) I did, plus all the smart stuff my DH modeled for me. We've said it here before: I know what matters in life and death has made life more meaningful.

- I am relatively uncomplicated: no ex, no co-parenting, no grief over decisions I made. What happened to me was choiceless, for better or worse.

- I work really hard to keep the feeling of being in a great marriage alive without making my current love feel envious or left out, but this is admittedly a tricky area for widows. I was looking for a relationship that felt as good as my marriage and divorcees are looking for something that feels different from their marriage. I'm very happy to share with someone the feeling of a great relationship - a familiar feeling to me, but a new feeling for him. It does often feel like their are four people in the room: current love, mawidow, DH and ex-wife.

- I might never want to be married again. Emotionally, logistically, financially - hard to tell if it would make sense. That is a potential widow demerit. But divorcees are marriage-shy, too.

- I was very fixated on death when we got close to moving in. This subsided when I actually moved my boxes, but it might resurface. Widow demerit? Or lesson in savoring life? Not sure.

[Sugarbell]

At one time..(like first 2-3 years) I considered widow part of my personal identity. A widow 6 months out as well as a divorcee 6 months out...well still feel "connected" to the title so to speak.

 

Really for me....don't pay attention to titles as much as state of mind place in life. Dating a divorcee 6 months out with young kids and baggage from ex would be a challenge...But really dating a widow/er 6 months out with young kids could be equally as challenging. Look at the person-not title.

 

My guy has been divorced 15 yrs...but I don't identify him as a divorcee-cause him and his ex have no problems, anger, money issues. He said the early years were a mess as was he. He really doesn't look at me as a widow--I mean I am...but after almost 8 years...my new life is established (although his Dad died when he was 7 so he does get the kids/death/always remember there Dad part of this.

 

I don't think one is easier to date than the other...it's individual and with many factors involved.

[Guest look2thesky]

All I can say is that the comparison thing whether they were curious or not seemed childish.

A good relationship moves forward, there's little room for jealousy.

Widow(er)s have it ALL over divorcees, IMO.

We have little or no (ex) issues.

[Guest look2thesky]

Better.

Unless the widow(er), themselves, are doing the comparing.

 

[Guest IronBear]

.

[Guest look2thesky]

I think there are many of us wids who aren't ready because of unresolved issues.

That many times confuse lonliness for wanting companionship again.

Myself (was) included. When the issues are resolved, I think we are more (ready) to look for someone who makes us feel comfortable, again. The jealousy card kills relationships.

From either side. Just my ramblings.

 

[Sugarbell]

Widows/ers, Divorcees...all come with different sets of issues. It depends on what the other person in the relationship can handle.

 

Also I believe you can't underestimate the impact time has on healing.

 

And some people are probe to play victim and be screwed up regardless of there status or never married, etc.

 

A widower can have his shit together at a year out...and some may take 10 years (same for widows and same for divorcees)

 

A year was my minimum time frame when I decided to start dating again round 2. Also didn't go even on a date (why? Didn't want to lead anyone on) with guys that had small children, lived far away, etc. Some thought I was closed minded-but I looked at it as knowing what I wanted and not playing or leading anyone on.

 

But it took me years to get there. I am a slow learner.

[Guest Mel4072]

Have you ever heard the song Broken? The main chorus is "Let's be broken together."

I've got peace with who I am and the sad feelings that come and go, the unexpected triggers and ever present fear of another huge loss. We are made up of a history but we are MORE than our experiences.

Some things changed in me after my husband's death. The innocence was lost. Yet, it made me more compassionate and loving. I've told NG there is no way to compare 2 people. LH was LH and NG is NG. I had 24 years with LH, 3 kids and many firsts. I'm having many firsts with NG. One of which is one night I felt the same comfort with him as I had with LH. It freaked me out and I shared it with him.

I don't consider loving one anymore than another. Just like I don't love one of my kids any more than the other 2. Love is something we give and receive, not a possession or a competition. My kids were broken after Dad's death. I don't love them any less and wouldn't trade them in on a less broken kid. Lol! My perspective is I just learned that I can still love. I am grateful for that part of me to be intact. That's one thing that doesn't cost me anything. It's the one thing that has helped my kids and me heal.

All of us here are broken together. Grateful for the love I've received.

[Mac]

I've gone out mainly with divorced women, including one that I was in a 7 month long relationship with. She wasn't threatened by DW. One woman that I went out with 4 times certainly was, ultimately that was the deal breaker.

 

I've been going out with a widow for awhile now. Things are going well. It is so wonderful to be with someone where we have that commonality of experience. Married for many years to someone that we loved so much. Great family life then and now. We both are interested in knowing about each other's departed spouse. There is nothing uncomfortable about talking about them.

 

I remember how great it was when I first connected with widowed people in person. Bagos and other group situations. Wow! Such an amazing feeling. Although our experiences are different, to have that commonality and understanding. To be able to share and to feel so relaxed around each other.

 

So for me, being in a romantic relationship with a widow is a wonderful thing for so many reasons! Sharing the goodness of life in this "new life" together.