is dating a widow really better or really worse? or both

[Sugarbell]

Have you ever heard the song Broken? The main chorus is "Let's be broken together."

I've got peace with who I am and the sad feelings that come and go, the unexpected triggers and ever present fear of another huge loss. We are made up of a history but we are MORE than our experiences.

Some things changed in me after my husband's death. The innocence was lost. Yet, it made me more compassionate and loving. I've told NG there is no way to compare 2 people. LH was LH and NG is NG. I had 24 years with LH, 3 kids and many firsts. I'm having many firsts with NG. One of which is one night I felt the same comfort with him as I had with LH. It freaked me out and I shared it with him.

I don't consider loving one anymore than another. Just like I don't love one of my kids any more than the other 2. Love is something we give and receive, not a possession or a competition. My kids were broken after Dad's death. I don't love them any less and wouldn't trade them in on a less broken kid. Lol! My perspective is I just learned that I can still love. I am grateful for that part of me to be intact. That's one thing that doesn't cost me anything. It's the one thing that has helped my kids and me heal.

All of us here are broken together. Grateful for the love I've received.

 

Never heard the song.

 

In NA we say. "Two sickies don't make a wellie"..:Meaning two addicts early in recovery dating are usually a disaster. We call it 13th stepping.

Maybe my 1year min was based off of the philosophy or so many recovery groups. Recovery can be from other things not just drugs and alcohol. That's not just my opinion...they have years of research behind that shit:

 

"insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"--Another philosophy of NA/AA.

 

Good stuff.

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi Mel.  When I first visited Andy at his home last September, we were sat on the couch talking and I just became so overwhelmed that I couldn't breathe.  I had to go outside for some air.  So overcome with a feeling of comfort, joy and love I'm not sure I'd ever before experienced that it was too much for me.  It nearly knocked me down. 

 

I'm so glad you're processing things and feeling better.  Keep working through it.  Year three has been a wild ride for me so far.  Big ups and big downs.  We'll get there.  xx

[maddalena]

 

 

"insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"--Another philosophy of NA/AA.

 

Good stuff.

one of my DH's favorite quotations... from NA. thanks

[Guest IronBear]

.

[Sugarbell]

Love Dr Bob one of the founders of AA/NA

 

Seriously...it's free therapy...Pretty much live my life by the steps in everything.

 

Sorry to hijack...Back to dating widow/divorcee Lol

[BrokenHeart2]

"Broken together" sounds more like a connection than an addiction, being widowed isn't like being addicted to a substance, more like our reality. Just thinking out loud.

[IfIonlycould]

I read through all of the replies and want to add this to my first post...I met BF about 20 years ago....we were acquaintances....so I actually knew BF for 2 years before I met LH.  In the process of coupling in widowhood with BF I told him I had always had a crush on him....was it totally true? Well,  I had always thought he was a cutie but did I have a crush on him? ...but you know what it didn't kill me to make him think he held a spot in my eye and heart all those years.  I think it went a LONG way in making him feel like he was/is just as special to me as LH....and he is...I have chosen to spend my life with him now just as I had chosen to spend my life with my husband all those years back...I want him to feel secure in knowing he is not second choice...he is not...he is a "choice" I am grateful for every day...in many ways we are a better fit than LH and I...and if you had ever asked me if I thought that could be possible when I was with LH or in my first couple years of widowhood I would have told you absolutely not...but here I am 5 years with BF.

And as far as the baggage of being scared...oh yes, we had a scare to where I had to call medics...thought BF was having a heart attack....I was a wreck...a wreck...one of the medics turned to me and asked if I was ok cause I really didn't look good...he thought he was getting a two for one deal out of the call....BF was ok...a reaction to pain meds from a thrown back (he doesn't normally take meds so they really affected him)...but it sent me into a tailspin for months afterwards.

[Guest tableforone]

I am not sure how my new husband would answer this. He is the one who must bear the brunt of my widow status. He has no frame of reference for death. He still has both his parents, both his step parents and has never lost anyone except an uncle. And he told me that once when we first met, that he had lost an uncle. I said I have lost all five of my uncles. I have also lost both my parents. He always tries to be understanding but I find that I do not attempt to explain my grief to him. Before I met him I short term dated many men. Some of them were widowers. Also, I leaned heavily on ywbb and my widow friends to process my grief. He really does not understand at all. How could he? I do sometime give him advice on what to say or not to say to friends or coworkers who lose a family member.

 

Sometimes I just need to be left alone with my thoughts. I find it difficult to spend lots of time around his still intact family. His ex-wife inserting herself into our lives annoys me. When I complained about that in front of one of our best friends, her reply was that my husband should 'throw my dead husband up in my face too.' Well, that statement made me almost faint. Thankfully my husband is kind and would never do that.

 

Yes. I still miss my dead husband. And inside my head I compare how he would react to situations differently than my now husband. I never speak these thoughts out loud. But those times, it creates a loneliness deep down in my soul.

 

And like Missingrizz said that her husband knows that her biggest fear is someone in her family dying. My husband knows that my deepest fear is him dying. I try not to nag at him about driving safely, etc...but I know it annoys him. I wasn't like this before. I just can't unknow that stuff happens and people suddenly die.

 

So better or worse? I am not better than I was pre widowhood but my husband only knows me as I am now. Thankfully he loves me.

[MissinGrizz]

 

 

Yes. I still miss my dead husband. And inside my head I compare how he would react to situations differently than my now husband. I never speak these thoughts out loud. But those times, it creates a loneliness deep down in my soul.

 

 

While unlike TFO, my husband knows loss and understands my fears, that line quoted above really hit home.

 

((hugs))

 

[Neverthesame]

I only know my own experience, and it's based totally in my own personality and my own circumstances and those specific particulars of my partner as well.

 

There are a lot of good comments in this thread, but to me that says it best.

 

I didn?t set out to find a widow but that?s the way it worked out for me and I?m glad it did. I started out with a fear of comparing her to my DW and being compared to her DH. Now, we often talk about our late spouses and will sometimes ask each other what they would have said or done in certain situations. As it turns out both our personalities are such that we can be comfortable remembering our past and still enjoy the present.

 

My DW and I had a good marriage and if she were still here we would still be married. What I?ve come to realize though is that I miss her in much the same way that I miss other things in my life. For example, I miss some things that I could do in my youth that I physically can?t do anymore. I can think about them fondly, but those times are gone forever. I can remember the fun times that I had with my kids as they were growing up, but they?re in their early 20?s now and those times are also gone. So I?ve decided that life always changes and I can fondly remember my DW, as well as other thing from my past, but I can also enjoy the life that I have now and look forward to what the future holds.

 

I may have got a little off topic but I do think, as Mizpah said, that dating a widow can be an advantage or disadvantage depending on the personalities and circumstances of those involved.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

Bill

 

[lcoxwell]

I have greatly enjoyed reading through this thread and the many comments that have been made. There are so many thoughtful responses here.

 

My New Guy has never been widowed, but has lost everyone in his family, except his mother and brother, and seems to profoundly understand my widow brain (most of the time). He has said several times that my widowhood status actually drew him to me, initially.  As many of you have already commented, he was drawn to me, because I had proven that I am willing to honor those vows of "until death do us part", rather than walking away and getting a divorce, when things get hard (as they inevitably do, from time to time, in any relationship). My loss has made me a better partner in many ways and allowed me to more fully appreciate all the wonderful things about him, to more openly express my love for him, and to just enjoy being together and in the moment, far more than anyone else he has ever been with. I routinely make it a point to tell him how very much I love him and to describe specific things he says or does that I enjoy about him. Many times, he has said that he has always wished others had noticed _____________ about him, and he is thankful that I see those things. I do have fears and phobias I didn't have before, but for the most part, my New Guy finds those endearing and is very considerate and thoughtful and is willing to talk through them, when they arise.

 

BUT....

 

I am learning that as our relationship progresses, my widowhood status has also been a bit of a stumbling block. He asked me to move closer to him, back before Christmas, which I am preparing to do later this summer. He has talked about wanting to spend his life with me, asking about my preferences in engagement rings and about my ring size, months ago. Yet, he has hesitated to take the next step of asking me to marry him, because he doesn't want to be married to someone else's wife, he wants to be married to HIS wife. He wants to make certain that I am ready to be fully his, before asking me to marry him. If I weren't widowed, I think he would have asked me to marry him months ago. If I weren't widowed, I don't think there would be the hesitation.

 

This means I have to be more mindful, when it comes to sharing my thoughts and feelings, and I have to be more careful about how much I tell him on the bad days, when the grief rears its ugly head. I have to be sure that he knows I truly love him; and I have to reassure him, from time to time, that he isn't in second place, behind my Kenneth.

 

I don't think being widowed necessarily makes us damaged goods or any better or worse to date than anyone else. Our individual personalities and how we approach dating and building a future with a new person is what makes us better or worse. I do, think, though, that we have to be somewhat more thoughtful, because there is a fine line between honoring our deceased spouses/significant others and embracing our futures and allowing our pasts and our loss to overshadow our future happiness.

[maddalena]

lcoxwell, thanks for your very thoughtful post. It makes me sad that you have to hide your bad days from him. Other than that he sounds pretty wonderful, but he really has to understand that if you DIDN'T love DH anymore, it would make you much less of a catch. The fact is, you have enough room in your heart for both him and your DH, and he needs to know that.

 

 

[Golorth]

I'll add my $.02 to this (though it's quite possible that I'm overstating its value by quite a bit).  Sapphi and I lost our respective spouses within about six months of each other. We've been together about a year and a half now, and it's been fantastic. We each understand the other's grief-trigger meltdowns. She understands that I can't be around someone singing "Amazing Grace" because it was sung at DW's service. We each understand that we each will have "dark days" around the significant dates from our previous lives. We each understand that just because we each hold, and will *always* hold, a special place in our hearts for our previous spouse doesn't mean we love each other any less. Neither one of us sees the other's previous spouse as "competition" for affection.

 

Someone else said it earlier, and it rings very true: Wids know what they're looking for in a relationship because, by and large, they *had* it with their spouse. In addition, they know what is truly important and what isn't. Sapphi and I love each other very much and understand each other in a way that, I think, would just not be possible with a non-Wid.

 

-G

[Guest look2thesky]

Icoxwell I am also a bit taken back that you feel you have to suppress your feelings about your dh.

Yes there is a fine line but there's no competition.

I will never fully get "over" my passed Wife.

Embrace the future yes, love again fully, hopefully, but She was a part of me, that will live in my memory, and thoughts, until my last day here. If he has reservations because you grieve, it is just concerning.

I am human, and not a possession. And I will always hurt from the loss.

Just my thought.

[Trying]

I think there needs to be a balance with new relationships and sharing details of our grief.  I can tell New Guy when it's a difficult day like an anniversary, birthday or other special day that I know will be a trigger.  I may not go into a lot of detail about how I'm feeling as much as I warn him that I may be distant or sad or need some space that day.  Other times there are unexpected triggers and I may share a little more.  I do try to avoid too much talk about how I miss this or that about DH, we have talked about the positives and negatives of my marriage and he knows a lot about DH but I don't think it's fair to talk constantly about him.  His name invariably comes up in stories because we were together 25 years so most places I have been and experiences I have had were with DH.  I do my best to make him feel like he is my present and my future and he is understanding that I will always miss DH.  The only time he admitted to being a little uncomfortable was on my wedding anniversary last month when I posted on FB a wedding picture of me and DH.  Not really jealous but not really happy seeing the picture and all of the comments on FB.  We are both learning.

[Guest look2thesky]

No question you are right however we shouldn't have to act like ok now I'm fully over my loss so I'm ready to not ever talk / think about them again. There are people who understand us. And who will be proud to be with us. Everyone will or has suffered loss.

To pick up and live well again, is the key.

[lcoxwell]

I think Trying stated it so much better, than I did. I met New Guy very early on. Initially, he encouraged me to talk about my Kenneth, to share stories, and to be open with my grief. He wanted me to do all the necessary hard work, so that I could be in a healthy place, emotionally, to have a relationship with him.

 

As time goes by, though, he also wants to know that I am ready to move forward and fully commit to him. I don't have to hide that I am grieving or having a bad day, but I also don't want New Guy to have to feel like he is my grief counselor, either. Like Trying said, I can tell him I am having a bad day, without having to tell him all the details.

 

My New Guy understands that I will always love Kenneth. He also understands and knows I love him. While New Guy is open to talking about Kenneth, asking questions and even bringing him up in conversation from time to time, as Trying said, there needs to be a balance and I try to avoid too much talk about Kenneth. New Guy needs to know that I am not spending a majority of my time dwelling in the past and in my life with Kenneth. He needs to know I am ready for a future with him. As New Guy and I spend more time together and develop more shared experiences to discuss, then the topic of Kenneth should naturally come up less often (not that it shouldn't ever come up, but it should be less often).

 

New Guy's reservations haven't been because I grieve. They have been in making sure I have done the necessary work to move beyond active grieving, before I commit to a lifetime of marriage to him, if that makes sense.

[lcoxwell]

To pick up and live well again, is the key.

 

^^^^ I just wanted to say, I love this, and I think this is true of anyone, not just widows and widowers. Regardless of marital status, whether widowed, divorced, or never been married, almost everyone has had, or will have, at least one past relationship in their lives. Regardless of marital status, the ones who learn to pick themselves up and to try their utmost best to live well will always have more to offer in a new relationship than those who cannot do this.

[Portside]

"Is dating a widow really better or really worse? Or both"

 

I am a bit concerned by this line of thinking. It's falls along the lines of "All 'insert qualifier here' people think, act or feel this way". You know - all men think this or, all women act this way. Do all, even most, widowers feel a certain way about a certain subject? Breaking it down further makes it even more likely to miss the mark. "Black lesbian communists act this way". "60 yr old white Navy vets, widowed with 4 kids who lost a child that live in the Midwest generally do this."

 

No, the fact is each of us bring whatever we bring to the carnival that is dating after being married previously. You may be surprised by what a person that has the 'appropriate' boxes checked holds dear and what is unimportant. My humble advice is to simply weigh what your BF contributes to your life against that with what he detracts (with the understanding that he will do the same to you) and evaluate the relationship solely on that calculation.

 

When I first started dating again, I had some 'absolutes' that, I thought, were non-negotiable. I quickly chucked them all. Well, except she had to be a she - that remained. It helped me enjoy and learn from all the women I met and just made the process of dating and possible relationship building so much easier. 

 

Only you can decide what you need to have, or don't have, in your relationship.

 

Best wishes,

 

Mike

[Guest look2thesky]

Total agreement. ^^^^^^^

When I first dated after the loss, I was rather discouraged at the singles situation.

Well I won't date anyone under 6ft, or who doesn't have endless finances, etc.

Knocked me right out I guess, and I found so many of these people superficial.

When you meet the right person, all that goes out the window.

 

Just to also add Most of these people with "I won't settle for anything less than", which have stipulations longer than a shopping list, are still single, still on the dating sites, and probably will be for the next ten years.

Then they realize later they've  grown old, with regrets, and unhappiness.

Like the 5 skeletons around the table "waiting for the perfect man"..

[RobFTC]

One thing wids are far more likely to have is ... understanding of being widowed!  That kind of connection has been good when I have felt it.

 

Unfortunately, that is also more likely to come with some flakiness that I have experienced in spades.

 

I notice that the connection is feeling less important to me as I get further out.  I have less need to talk about stuff in relation to that part of my history, I am far more likely to whinge about the single Dad thing, which is at least coming from a little different camera angle.

 

But I would still like that connection, in terms that I would drive further for it and work harder at it.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[BrokenHeart2]

I agree with you guys.  I'm not ready to date yet but I can't see stereotyping because we are all so unique in our own way. Haven't looked for over 20 yrs so I have no idea what the future holds. One day at a time.

[anniegirl]

Better? Worse? Both?

 

None of the above. Or all of the above.

 

What's important when dating and settling into a relationship is very individual. The only thing that should matter is how you feel about the person and the relationship and its potential.

 

I know widowed who are very happy together.

 

I know widowed who've remarried divorced and never married and found that to their liking too.

 

I know those who've recoupled with all of the above and it ended sadly to pretty badly.

 

Our relationship history informs us. It shapes us. It colours our pov's and influences how we act and react. Some of us take our pasts (baggage, you could call it if you want) and use it to become awesome (or more awesome) partners/lovers, and some of us don't learn anything from our history other than to simply keep repeating it.

 

If you are inclined to date again, look for a new mate even, priority, imo, is best given to finding someone who suits who you are now and who you'd like to be. Someone you like, can love and have fun with and returns your affections in kind. Widowed or not.

 

My husband is a widower. I didn't set out to meet one but being on the YWBB, I did. What makes our relationship work (we''l be married eight years at the end of this month) is that we are incredibly compatible. So much so that we jokingly refer to each other as "my evil twin". And what keeps us going is that we prioritize each other's happiness. Being widowed is just one of many experiences in our pasts that we happen to share but it's not something we bond over or even ever talked about much after we decided to embark on a serious relationship.

 

You will do what works for you but I would caution against limiting yourself based on labels. Odd are long on meeting widowed because there simply aren't that many of us compared to divorced and never marrieds. Stereotyping, as noted earlier, is limiting.

 

 

[Guest nonesuch]

When I first dated after the loss, I was rather discouraged at the singles situation.

Well I won't date anyone under 6ft, or who doesn't have endless finances, etc.

Knocked me right out I guess, and I found so many of these people superficial.

 

Just to also add Most of these people with "I won't settle for anything less than", which have stipulations longer than a shopping list, are still single, still on the dating sites, and probably will be for the next ten years.

Then they realize later they've  grown old, with regrets, and unhappiness.

Like the 5 skeletons around the table "waiting for the perfect man"..

 

I had an acquaintance who I thought was "in a relationship."  After I was widowed and joined a dating site, I saw him there. I asked a mutual [single] friend, aren't Bob and Sara a couple? You'd think so, she said, but he'd had his profile up on dating sites as long as she could remember.  Some months later, he expressed to me some shock and disappointment that Sara had gone overseas to teach, just as he was "getting ready to make a commitment." They'd been dating for at least six years.

 

 

[Candace]

My first stabs at dating were with widowers; we were pretty much on the same time line.  I was 2 1/2 years out but I think we both realized we really werent ready.

 

I dated a divorced guy with two adult children in different states, and it was good; I loved the cuddling and human touch; but I realized I was really looking for another Arnie who knew all my quirks and weirdness.  When I lost my BFF Tom, I stopped dating because his loss made me realize how terrified I still was to get involved, to become an intimate couple in body and spirit, and I didnt think (and still dont know) if I can risk that again.  Do I even have the capacity to trust that deeply? 

 

Its now been 3 1/2 years and I realized I have gotten used to living alone (well, with four cats and dogs).  I miss the human touch, I miss the cheerleader and comforter, I miss being held.  But I do feel like damaged goods.  I know a fellow wid would understand the triggers that reopen the wounds, but I dont know if those who are single or divorced will be able to realize that you never stop loving a lost loved one.