Integrating new relationship into old life

[Trying]

At what point do you expect a new boyfriend be included in invitations from old friends?  I admit I am a part of the problem, having kept him separate because of my kids issues with me being in a relationship.  Of course he would assume by now that we are a couple and should be invited to things as a couple but it's not like that.

 

My kids and I are invited to a friends son's graduation party.  They didn't specifically invite new guy even though they have met him on 3 other social occasions, and it didn't even occur to me that he should go. 

 

Now I feel bad. He deserves a normal relationship and I don't seem to know how to do normal.  Has anyone else taken a long time to integrate a new relationship?

[Sugarbell]

Bring him anyway. I know it maybe culture and we are pretty informal here-but I have taken new guy to a few parties where the invite was just to me. Sometimes it says "and guest" Sonetimes not.

 

But I guess it Depends on your area. I guess I figure...if they want the graduation/wedding gift and money-then let me bring my date.

 

I don't take any offense to it...we aren't " Mr and Mrs" that's the only time I think both names should be included (unless you've been living together and a couple for years...but in this case they probably didn't give it a thought.

 

Just bring him. 

[Mizpah]

Agree - if it's not a wedding, or something formal and sit-down, where they have to pay per guest and it would be rude to bring anyone not invited, I'd say just bring him.  You could always say ahead of time, "I hope you don't mind if I bring ____."  Just start bringing him regularly, and I think people will start to think of you as a couple and naturally start including him. 

[anniegirl]

I agree. If it's not a formal situation, just bring him along.

 

I did have this dilemma much. LH's friends blamed me for his death (illogical nonsense that had no grounding in anything factual) and they'd long since cut me and my daughter out of their social circles (even before LH died really).

 

My bff and her husband (who was an old high school buddy of LH's) were super supportive and never once excluded my husband back when we were dating. It was only awkward once. A bbq at there place where some of the old circle were also in attendance.

 

Husband said to me after, "They were polite. But it's not like I would have stood there and accepted anything less." My husband has a strong aura of "don't fuck with me" about him.

 

I never stopped to think about how anyone - family or friends - would feel about my dating, remarrying and I simply expected everyone to behave.

 

They didn't always.

 

The first time I took husband to meet my family, my nephew (who was 14) was a complete dick and he continued this behavior on and off until I'd had my fill of my parents not taking him to task (they were raising him) and I let him have it with both barrels during a visit. I punctuated my point by packing up and going to a hotel right on the spot. That was the end of that.

 

My auntie and sister were all stink-eyes too but I ignored them and husband had them won over fairly quickly.

 

I would rather just do as I please and deal with the naysayers head on. In my opinion, giving people time to sulk and stew rarely solves anything quickly.

 

With our daughters (who were 5, 22 and 24 at the time) we were always "we know this is hard and that you are unhappy but this is reality and unhappiness is your choice. It took about two years for the three of them to fully adjust but because we simply didn't accept bad behavior, there wasn't much acting out and when there was, it was dealt with.

 

This is your life. It will be what you decide it will be and you can only control you. I have found that when you are fairly upfront with people about what you expect and that you aren't asking for their permission, they fall in line.

 

[Trying]

Listening to all of you it sounds so logical and easy.  My issue with this particular party is that this family was at my house for Memorial Day when my older 2 acted horribly and made a big scene about new guy.  I'm sure they don't want anything like that to ruin their sons graduation party.  They have been very nice to new guy the few times they met but my kids were really awful that day and I was mortified and so angry with them.

 

I definitely worry too much about what everyone else thinks and by avoiding situations with my kids and new guy I am giving them way too much control.  I just don't feel like I have a right to bring him and cause everyone to feel uncomfortable so soon after the last disaster. 

 

I guess my kids are the biggest issue.  2 years sounds like an eternity Anniegirl, we are only 9 months in from my kids perspective.

 

 

[serpico]

^^^ Well that's a horse of a different color.  If you aren't 100% positive that your kids won't behave I wouldn't take them all.  The thing is, rather than exclude your man friend, maybe don't take the kids.  It's not like he was the problem at the last party - they were.  And if they're offended or pissy about it, well, they should look in the mirror.  But I'm from the tough love school, and I know some will disagree.

[Trying]

You are totally right Serpico.  Unfortunately it's their friend's graduation party, even though I am also friends with the parents.  I think, given a choice, they would rather I not come than my kids. 

 

I was much more tough love before DH died, now I seem to be a door mat. 

[Sugarbell]

Don't let your older boys make you a door mat damnit!

 

Whose buying the gift or giving the graduate money? You. Lots of graduation parties seem to be more for adult friends of the parents rather than the kids friends (cause the kids friends well aren't going to give them money) Sorry...that's just how I see it.

 

I had two graduation parties two weekends ago...all adult friends and family. The graduate had only like 2 of his friends there.

 

Take new guy..go to party...enjoy your evening. Leave kids at home.

 

I thought of you-my oldest whose only 12...was having a power struggle with new guy last weekend on a weekend trip. Not bad-but bossy boy is used to being in charge on trips...he felt annoyed that "He doesn't do things like we do"

 

Ugh. Younger 2 were great. Think I am going to do separate getaways with just him and then just my kids. My oldest transferred his annoyance to bullying and bossing the younger two-and it stressed me out. And it was mild compared to what you've dealt with. But I can see the handwriting on the wall with my oldest.

[SoVerySad]

I haven't been in your situation, but I would be reluctant at this point (from what you've shared) to take new guy and leave the boys out when it is their friend's graduation party. I think on this occasion, given the recent dust up,  the parents holding the party maybe don't want to have a situation which could impact the evening they have planned for their son.

 

I think we need to pick our battles. I don't see you going without new guy as letting the kids control you or you being a doormat. I see it as honoring the wishes of the family having the party. If new guy had been invited and you chose not to take him to make your kids happier, then that would be different. It is a party for the kids more than for the adults, correct? If it were more an adult party, then I'd feel differently.

 

Just my thoughts. I'm sorry these things are so challenging for you, Trying. I'm sure new guy feels you are worth working through them with you. Hugs...

[mmg19]

I was replying at the same time as SOVerySad and she said everything I was thinking. 

 

You are not a doormat.  You appear to be concerned about feelings of others that are important to you.  Your comment "and it didn't even occur to me that he should go." says your first instinct was right.  Old friends, your kids friends, a graduation party given by friends you obviously have been close to for a long time. 

 

The issues between your kids, you, and new guy are for another day.  Enjoy the party with your children and friends.  I don't know how serious you and new guy are but I'd pick my battles carefully.  Time works wonders. 

[anniegirl]

I don't want you to think that it was a constant battle over the first two years. It wasn't. But issues came up over that time period that simply don't anymore.

 

My sister's SIL left all four of her teenagers home (and with an older relative from her family to watch them) when my sister threw her husband a big family/friend 50th b-day party. She did this because the weekend before they'd all behaved atrociously at another big event and she told them "I am going to have a good time and you aren't going to ruin it again." So they were grounded, with a babysitter, and stuck at home for an entire weekend. I am told they haven't behaved poorly since.

 

Sometimes, you have to lay down the law and remind kids what the chain of command is and who is in charge, but as someone else mentioned - it pays to pick your battles. It's not being a doormat to make sure that when you do go on the warpath, all conditions and odds are in your favor.

 

 

[Sugarbell]

I would still leave the kids at home and go with new guy. Take the youngest who wasn't causing a stink at Memorial Day party. If it's a kids party primarily-then drop the kids off and don't go. But if it's the traditional adult friends graduation party...don't reward them by leaving new guy out.

 

"what you allow is what will continue"

 

And yeah I am another no nonsense hard ass with my kids...I admit it. Some disagree but there Dads death has never been allowed to be used as am excuse for bad behavior.

[Trying]

Thanks so much for all of your perspectives.  I think that I need to be respectful of the hosts and their son and not make this about me.  That being said, things need to change going forward.  Things are serious between new guy and I but progress is stalled because I have allowed my teens too much power.  I worry about their feelings and their reactions too much for anyone's good.  I have been working on restoring the balance of power but need to be more firm with boundaries.

 

I am in love with this man and I wish things were more simple and normal.  I want to spend more time with him and more real life, every day stuff instead of just date nights.  I have been holding back some with his kids because it doesn't feel right to get close to them before my kids get to know him.  But they are young and adorable and open, it's so easy to be around them and I love seeing him in Dad mode. 

 

It's no wonder I have insomnia with the excessive over thinking I do about everything!

[anniegirl]

Some disagree but there Dads death has never been allowed to be used as am excuse for bad behavior.

 

No disagreement from me or husband. In fact, LH would agree with you too because his mother became a widow at 33 when he was not quite seven. I remember him telling her once that she let him call the shots far too much and too often when she was dating and that he regretted that she hadn't put him in his place (when he was about 13 he apparently chased off a fellow who was very serious about his mother and she was considering marriage with).

 

It's no wonder I have insomnia with the excessive over thinking I do about everything!

 

Stop that! Seriously. It's not good for you.

 

I don't know if this has come up but what does your boyfriend think? I only ask because from very early on, my husband and I discussed the kids (though two were technically adults) and what to do about this or that often.

[Trying]

He has been very patient and understanding but it is definitely becoming harder for him.  He wants to be part of my life, my whole life.  It's hard for him that they are so against him without even knowing him.  He worries about me when I'm upset.  He is a planner and wants to know what to expect and when and I don't blame him.  Sometimes it's difficult to discuss because his kids are so young and it's very different dealing with a 19 year old. 

[anniegirl]

Yes, "adult" children are require a different kind of patience.

 

I can understand your boyfriend's difficulty. There have been times when I thought my husband was simply allowing too much time for this or that but it always worked out (and it helped enormously that both girls lived on their own and not with us).

 

I am a doer though when it comes to kid issues. Probably because I was a teacher for so long and because I had to deal with so many kids at once, waiting on this or that one to "get with the program" wasn't an option. So I prefer the -  "here's your options (which were all fine by me) pick one". With the option not to choose never being an option. You know the old saying "more than one way to skin a cat"? The day hasn't yet arrived when someone half my age will stand in the way of what needs to happen for the long term good.

 

Don't stress. But do give your boyfriend a listen if he has suggestions about this dilemma.

 

My husband assumed that I wouldn't have any idea of how to parent 20-somethings because my daughter was so young but I have been right on the money a lot. My husband is a lot of amazing and wonderful things but he was never a young woman. I understand them better than he does sometimes.

[klim]

With my 17 yr old and 19 yr old , I play the whose going to come to this event "game " as well. On May 24Th (think Canandian memorial day) my sister was hosting a bbq and invited us all.  I knew  right from the get go that if my sons said yes I wouldn't be able to take BF. We're not to that comfortable integrated mode yet. They are beginning to handle him coming by the house fairly regularly but the interaction still isn't there.

 

And this is where I never know whether it's just their age. I mean how much would a 17 and 19 yr old be hanging out with mom and dad even if dh was alive.

So their request, not to be included, is it really a rejection of bf or just a stage of growing up.

 

On the bright side my 19 yr old whom I'm supposed to be taking camping asked me if I want to bring my BF. Now, he doesn't drive and wants to take his girlfriend camping.....so he needs me to come and maybe he wants me distracted so i won't bug him and his girlfirend ......but I'm taking it  as progress.

 

 

Trying  I probably would be asking BF not to join the party but I can also see myself leaving early to go spend time doing something with him the same night . Another thought is to have him drop into the party to pick you up, say his congrats and then you leave to go do something on your own. Kinda splitting the difference...sending the message to your friends ( and sons) that they are important but BF is important too. 

 

By the way I'm joining you in the insomnia departments some nights. Nytol is my my other new friend

[AaronH]

It's been over 6 months since I've posted, but this is so similar to what I'm trying to figure out now.  My girlfriend and I are serious, but my 13 year old (I've got girls 16,13, and 9 year old twins) is throwing a fit becasue she's just starting to realize that girlfriend could in some years theoretically be step-mom.  It was OK when my relationship was out of the house, but now that I even want to have the kids get to know her, the walls are going up.

 

This phase is just starting, but I appreciate reading how others are handling it.

 

Thanks so much for all of your perspectives.  I think that I need to be respectful of the hosts and their son and not make this about me.  That being said, things need to change going forward.  Things are serious between new guy and I but progress is stalled because I have allowed my teens too much power.  I worry about their feelings and their reactions too much for anyone's good.  I have been working on restoring the balance of power but need to be more firm with boundaries.

 

I am in love with this man and I wish things were more simple and normal.  I want to spend more time with him and more real life, every day stuff instead of just date nights.  I have been holding back some with his kids because it doesn't feel right to get close to them before my kids get to know him.  But they are young and adorable and open, it's so easy to be around them and I love seeing him in Dad mode. 

 

It's no wonder I have insomnia with the excessive over thinking I do about everything!