Blue skies and loneliness

[Jen]

I need to go run errands, but I just had to get this out so I don't feel so completely alone. It's not that I want anyone else to get it-- but I'm grateful that there are people who do.

 

It's a gorgeous day-- from inside, anyway; it's too hot to stay out for long. It's the last day of school, the last day of relative peace before I have to play referee to my three kids. I'm busy, I've got lots of things to do before we go on a family vacation this weekend, so I should be occupied and distracted and not thinking about how endlessly freaking lonely I am. I shouldn't be blinking back tears and wondering if life will always be so grey and empty. I should be focused on the tasks at hand, not whinging about the interminable misery of widding. But I am, and I just... I need a hug, I guess. A reminder that the road sucks but there are others walking it. Sorry to be so pitiful, but if you have any good thoughts to spare... I could use a few.

 

Thanks and ((((((HUGS)))))),

 

Jen

[MrsT85]

((Jen))

 

I'm so sorry you're so down.  I am sending positive thoughts your way and sincerely hope you find a moment or two or genuine joy as you're spending time with your children this weekend.

 

I know we can try to fill the gaping hole in our souls with distractions and sometimes even new people, but in the end, there's just no getting around the fact that we'll always be so lonesome for THEM.

[Mizpah]

It won't always feel so bleak.  I remember (at least I think I do - in retrospect this is how I remember it, let's say that) wishing that days wouldn't be so nice, because they didn't match my insides and I felt pressure to "enjoy the day," but I couldn't/didn't want to.  Not pitiful at all.  Do the tasks at hand, but it's totally normal to focus on what you're focusing on.  Remember: one of the tasks at hand is grieving.  (You might actually enjoy the day a tiny bit too, even something as simple as the sunlight - that's alright as well.)

[SoVerySad]

Tight, tight hugs, Jen! Sunshine and busyness can only do so much. They can help in some ways, but can't fill the void of missing someone we loved so much. Yes, I'm walking with you despite logistically being so many miles apart.

 

More hugs...

[Jess]

(((Jen)))

 

I've always got plenty of hugs for my fellow traveler. I've had a very difficult time myself lately and I've gone pack to crying at the drop of a hat (why are there so many hats dropping, anyways?). Ups and downs, forward and backward, optimistic and hopeless all at the same time. I would love to get off this ride and just live the life he would be proud of me for living. Why is it always so much easier said than done?

[lcoxwell]

While I have nothing truly helpful to add, at the moment, I wanted you to know that I can relate and understand, as I have been feeling much this same way, lately. What I can do, though, is to send virtual hugs and say a prayer that you will find some measure of joy in the near future. ((((Hugs))))

[mo12]

I hear ya, Jen.  It is so lonely, even with others around.  Even though it's hot, is there somewhere nice you could spend an hour outside?  It sounds a bit cheesy, but being in nature often helps me feel connected to the world, just a little bit.  Thinking of you.

[anniegirl]

You are not pitiful and the road does suck but people are walking it next to you, ahead of you and coming up behind you.

 

I know how hard it is to be in moment and forget the past and not fear the future so I won't tell you to enjoy yourself - though I hope you do - because you don't need that kind of pressure.

 

Just breathe. You all made it through the school year.

[Baylee627]

Kinda humming this same tune myself, JJ. The skies are clear and bright, but they may as well be grey and dismal, so as to reflect my outlook.

 

There are so many wids on this board who I just wish I was closer in proximity to--you being one. I could pop over to your hacienda bearing cookies and wine (and freshly made sweet tea, cuz yes I do love it) and we could laugh until we cry or cry until we laugh.

 

But, I know all about these doldrums. I think it's because the road stretches out before us, so barren- and bleak-appearing. While that may not be factual (because we can't accurately predict the future), it sure as hell feels that way.

 

Hugs and hand pats, Lil Doll.

 

Baylee

[Jen]

I would totally take you up on cookies and sweet tea, Baylee! (And wine, what the hell!) You could come in and crash on the couch with me and we could binge-watch my current fave, Bizarre Foods. (Seriously. I barely watch TV, but lately I've gotten addicted to Andrew Zimmern and his insane culinary adventures. There are almost no grief triggers when you watch someone drink cow's blood in Tanzania, or eat stuffed camel stomach in Dubai, or rare beetles in Thailand.)

 

I just don't know how much longer I'm expected to do this. Every day feels like a marathon. The kids were talking last night about how fast the school year went, but all I could think was that it lasted at least 5 years, and how many more do I have to do? My youngest will be in 4th grade next year, so that's-- what, 9 more? 45 in wid years?

 

I can't. I just can't. Every night I go to sleep (eventually, I'm struggling with insomnia) begging for a dream, a sign, something to give me some hope. Every morning I wake up disappointed, thinking, Please, not another day!

 

I don't want to do this anymore. Everything seems so pointless. I have no past-- I can't bear to think about it, it hurts too much, so I suppress my memories of Jim and our life together as much as possible. I have no future-- just endless drudgery and duty. That sounds horrible; I know I have to keep going for my kids, but I have no expectation of ever having anything for myself again. Years and years of that... I can't. Please don't make me.

 

I was thinking of starting a thread for "little happies," like Jess mentioned someplace. I think the big happies are all gone for me, but maybe I can learn to accept that the little ones will just have to be enough. There are a few, like my kids (when they're not trying to kill each other) and that idiot with the crazy hair on Ancient Aliens (the inane claptrap on that show actually makes me laugh out loud, much to my surprise, so I try to catch it when I can) and finally beating a frustrating level on Peggle Blast. And there you have it: other than work and household chores, that's my entire life in a nutshell. Oh, and walking. I do walk a lot, mainly because I can't stand to sit in the house very long, even if Andrew is slurping shrimp roe straight from the still-living source (he put her back in the tank, she survived the snack) or Crazy Hair is ranting about aliens who genetically modified hominids to create a slave population that eventually rose up and overthrew their Annunaki masters--

 

Anyway. I walk. Which leads to thinking, and thinking leads to hurting and crying. Then again, most everything does, and at least the walking had made my clothes too big and my resting heart rate fall by 20+ beats per minute. So there's that.

 

I hate this. I feel like all I do is whine, when I really don't have it all that bad. I'm just lonely and sad, but I can't accept that lonely and sad is all I'll ever be, so I rail against fate and scream and rant in my journal and reinforce all the misery. I have no motivation to do anything, so everything is a struggle. I wish I could just go to sleep for a decade or two...

 

I'm sorry. Thank you all for the hugs and good thoughts, I needed them. Please know they're returned a dozen times over. I know there's no fix for this, it just... is what it is. Time passes, if nothing else. Maybe there will be something good tomorrow.

 

So many hugs,

 

Jen

[Grammy]

(((Hugs)))  I totally relate with your post.  I walk more than I should and I think about what should be.  I keep myself occupied with my Grand daughter and being the neighborhood Grammy.  And there are little happis but no really big ones.  (((Hugs))) the summer ends the first week of August.  Hoping for something big to make us both Happy. 

[Virgo]

I think guarding ourselves from the pain of our past is a natural response, but not always the best. Once in awhile we have to feel our memories to help us move forward, baby steps.  I think it's great that you're walking. It sounds like it's your 'therapy.' A way to work through your emotions and frustrations. It's healthy physically and mentally. The lonliness is awful. I've decided to focus more on what I do have instead of what I don't have. It helps. I'm working on me, and doing things that I enjoy. If I find an awesome guy along the way, great.

[Suki1]

Hi Jen,

 

I'm a little late to reply, but I like the idea of a thread of little happies. And the day has to come when things improve. I don't know when, but know I'm thinking of you and sending lots of hugs.

 

Suki 

[Guaruj]

I'm a little late to catch up on this one...

 

(Seriously. I barely watch TV, but lately I've gotten addicted to Andrew Zimmern and his insane culinary adventures. There are almost no grief triggers when you watch someone drink cow's blood in Tanzania, or eat stuffed camel stomach in Dubai, or rare beetles in Thailand.)

 

I still watch some trashy TV just for laughs. I used to watch Bizarre Foods and laugh at it.  I later found Man vs. Food even funnier; we Americans seem to celebrate gluttony.

 

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[Jen]

The lonliness is awful. I've decided to focus more on what I do have instead of what I don't have. It helps. I'm working on me, and doing things that I enjoy. If I find an awesome guy along the way, great.

 

Jen, I've been thinking about this ever since you posted it. I'm trying to do the same-- or at least I'm trying to try to do it, if that makes sense. Bits of me aren't cooperating. Misery has become a habit, and I'm working on breaking it, but it's so slow. This whole putting yourself back together thing hurts like hell, and a lot of the time I just don't want to do it. It's hard and it's painful and I resent the fact that I'm in this position. But none of that changes the fundamental fact that it has to be done. So-- I'm trying. Not necessarily succeeding, but-- trying.

[tmppgh2015]

I'm late on this... But in reading it, it's so true. I don't even know how to find joy in anything anymore. I try even to the point of oohhhh I got a green light, and then it takes me to a memory that makes me want to cry. The loneliness is the worst feeling in the world. I have people in my life, but they have their own lives, trying to figure me out or help doesn't happen now. I can't blame them. It seems that I just keep putting up more and more walls.