My disguise

[mikeeh]

I remember when I was a kid there was this really bad Hercules cartoon.  In this cartoon he got his power from a ring that he would put on when he needed it.  As  a semi comic geek growing up Green Lantern was my favorite hero.  Again the power came from the ring.  I think it was specifically the ring which for some reason caught my attention as much as anything else.

 

Now as I sit here.  Just past the 2 year mark.  I contemplate taking my ring off.  I have always realized how important this ring was to me.  How proud I was to wear it.  I took it off for a minute or two last night and looked at it and realized it didn't give me any super strength or powers or anything but it was part of my disguise.

 

My disguise as a human being.  As part of the human race.  We all dress or present ourselves as how we want the world to perceive us.  Suits and ties for the respectable look, long hair or short.  Tattoos and piercings etc.  My ring was my way of telling the world that I am human.  That someone once cared and I was able to connect with another person at one time.  With the ring I am at least a married man who has that person at home or someone that cares for me.  Without the ring I am just a fat, balding, miserable old man at the grocery store.  For all the world could tell or surmise someone who is either a divorced bastard, and who could blame her, or someone who has never found anybody to share their life with, no surprise.

 

It isn't power or strength in this ring, it is my humanity.  By taking it off do I lose the last vestige of the humanity I have left after losing her  Did I bury it two years ago like I did her?

[Guest nonesuch]

Without the ring I am just a fat, balding, miserable old man at the grocery store.  For all the world could tell or surmise someone who is either a divorced bastard, and who could blame her, or someone who has never found anybody to share their life with, no surprise.

 

It isn't power or strength in this ring, it is my humanity.  By taking it off do I lose the last vestige of the humanity I have left after losing her  Did I bury it two years ago like I did her?

 

I never liked thin guys, myself.  I've never run my fingers through anyone's hair.  Miserable?  Old?  Are you sure?

 

No, you don't lose the rest of your humanity.  Can you, maybe, move the ring to your right hand?

 

As a widower, you realize the demographics run in your favor.  There are many, many widows and divorcees with thick waists, graying hair, and the optimism to seek out new friends and maybe - maybe - fall in love again.

[hachi]

I have to say that disguise is not a word that sets well with me. Ring or no ring, you are who you are. If you perceive yourself to be a miserable old man, well, no one is going to take much notice of the ring.

 

I know you have been struggling with the two year mark and whether it feels right to you to take the ring off. For me it was at a year. And it was sort of like ripping off a band-aid. I just had to do it. Now I wear it on a chain with a small "first communion" cross and a single pearl. I didn't want to alter it into a new piece of jewelry. It was a little strange at first, but now it is just there. I wear it all of the time, and sometimes slip my finger in up the to knuckle when I am thinking hard about him. But I have never really been tempted to put it back on. It is more like a talisman to help me through difficult moments. I don't ever expect to take it off.

[Max2507]

I don't have any answers but I am 2 months over the two year mark and just took off my rings last weekend. I have gone back and forth on it, feeling it was time or not. I understand what you are saying. My rings to me said to the outside world that I was special, I was loved. I felt like they did have some super powers. Even to myself I always looked at them and thought that. Now off for a week, there is still an indent on my finger, and I fight the moments of feeling like a sad nothing. Just in limbo between active grieving and an actual life, trying to figure out how to not feel so f-ed up and empty all the time.

 

Hachi makes a good point about how you perceive yourself. Maybe that's what I should work on and the rest will follow. You aren't alone in all this at least and also I second nonesuch on would rather have balding, overweight than skinny long haired.

[Jen]

My ring was my way of telling the world that I am human.  That someone once cared and I was able to connect with another person at one time.  With the ring I am at least a married man who has that person at home or someone that cares for me.  Without the ring I am just a fat, balding, miserable old man at the grocery store.  For all the world could tell or surmise someone who is either a divorced bastard, and who could blame her, or someone who has never found anybody to share their life with, no surprise.

 

It isn't power or strength in this ring, it is my humanity.

 

I want to say that identify with this completely, even though I took my ring off several months ago. I no longer felt married-- it felt like a lie. Now I'm acutely aware of the empty place on my finger (the indentation is still there, though barely). I wonder if anyone ever notices it-- I doubt it. I'm just another invisible approaching-middle-aged woman, too unremarkable to merit anyone's notice.

 

I notice, though. Everywhere I go, I look for rings. Not because I'm on the hunt-- I don't delude myself that anyone will ever want me-- but because I have this strange compulsion to assess other people's lives in some way. "You're bigger than me, not that attractive in my opinion, but you have a ring, so someone loves you." Male and female-- it's almost the first thing I look for. Ring? Check. Lucky bastard. It's kind of sick, really, but I can't seem to stop.

 

Rationally, I know that having a wedding ring is no indication of happiness-- I wore one for over thirteen years of a toxic, abusive marriage. And I understand that not wearing one can indicate all sorts of things, from divorce to widowhood to "I just don't like wearing a ring." There's no way to tell without learning each individual's story, and of course that's not possible. But still... I see a ring, and it triggers an immediate sense of... sadness, envy, longing. I'm trying to learn to be  okay with loneliness, but I want a ring. I want that talisman. I want to feel safe and anchored again.

 

That's asking an awful lot from a little circle of metal. It's all in my crazy little head, anyway. But it's always there-- I can't get rid of it. I'm working on it, but it's so hard. I agree, I feel as though I've lost my essential humanity as well... I don't know how to get it back, or if that's even possible.

 

(((Hugs))) Take the ring off when it feels right. As much as I miss mine, I don't feel the need to put it back on-- that would be disingenuous. There's no right or wrong answer. 

[Mizpah]

I don't delude myself that anyone will ever want me

 

I don't know you, but this was like a punch to the gut to read, just as a fellow woman I think.  I'm so sad reading this.  You thought pretty highly of your man, no?, and he must've thought you were pretty awesome, awesome enough to spend his life with.  I wish you could see you through his eyes, or through ours.  I hope one day you will.  I want to grab you and shake you and yell, "Noooooo!"  Sending love.  You're a strong beautiful warrior woman!

 

I get the ring as validation or a way to legitimate ourselves in our society.  Taking it off is being stripped, as we were by their deaths.  I felt naked and conspicuous for a long time without mine, and it took a long time to get rid of the habit of rubbing and spinning it. 

 

Edited to add that I took mine off seconds after saying to myself in my head that I never ever want to take it off.  Our minds and hearts (and actions) are mysteries. 

[Trying]

I replaced my rings with another ring so I would to have to stare at an empty finger and I think some

people may assume it's a wedding ring,though it doesn't look like one, because it's on my left hand.  That makes me feel less vulnerable among strangers for some reason.

 

I think more than what we look like or what is on our fingers, it is what we project to others.  I can project confident and friendly when I want to be approached by people or I can project myself as closed off and unapproachable if I'm having a bad day and just want to get through the grocery store without talking to anyone. 

 

I'm a middle aged average looking woman who could stand to lose a few (or 20) pounds but I found someone who thinks I'm beautiful because when I am with him I radiate happiness.  He has even commented that I am much prettier in person than pictures. 

 

I don't think any of us were made whole because of our spouses, I think we were able to love and be loved because we were whole.  Our stability has been knocked out from under us, we have to search for solid ground, but that "whole" person is still within us.

[SoVerySad]

Mikeeh,

 

I am 2 yrs, 3 mos out and still wearing my wedding rings. I have never been one to notice whether other people have wedding rings or not. I continue to wear my rings just for me, because it still feels like they belong there. I don't care too much about how others may feel about it. Maybe it is my ongoing reminder to myself that I have been deeply loved and valued enough to form and commit to a life with when I feel so empty now so much of the time.

 

Your posts reveal a tremendously thoughtful soul capable of deep and abiding love. I don't believe you've lost those traits of humanity with the loss of your wife. They may feel dormant right now, which I understand and can relate to. Not everyone is focused on exterior appearances. I feel certain anyone getting to know you will appreciate your gifts - ring or no ring.

 

Tight hugs to you, Mikeeh...

[mikeeh]

Thank you all for your kind words and insight  When I hear people say things I have been thinking it is always reassuring.  Yes, there are things I have thought about but not foisted upon you yet.  It suggests to me that maybe I am not alone in what I think and what I feel, at least not so far out on the fringe as I usually think I am.

 

Just Jen, I have to agree with Mizpah that it breaks my heart to hear that you think like that, even though it is exactly how I think.  Maybe it is grass is always greener ism but I am sure you will find someone again, as soon as you are ready to look and let someone in.  I don't know you well but you seem nice and fun and friendly and there will be plenty of guys looking for such a woman.

 

Maybe it is a chicken and the egg thing.  Am I miserable because I am alone or alone because I am miserable?  I have seen many doing much better at dealing with this mess.  It seems like that comes with finding someone new to share their lives.  Are they better because they have found someone, or did they find someone because they were better and able to look and find, and let someone else in?

 

Going through this over so long.  The long illness and intense care giving.  Losing her and dealing with the loss and the isolation.  Seeing the facade of life stripped away when it comes to friends and family and how much they all let me down.  Seem no matter how little I expect from people they always manager to disappoint.  It all seems to go into my inability to open myself up and let anyone else in.  So maybe I have put up a big barbed wired fence around me and the ring doesn't really make a difference.  To me though it still is my symbol that there was a time when I meant something to someone.  Taking it off will just highlight that now I don't mean anything to anybody.

 

[Virgo]

It's really interesting to read all of the different emotions and feelings our rings represent to us. I wore my ring just a few times after my husband passed away. It represented our marriage, our bond, our promise to each other which was forever changed. It hurt me to wear it. I ended up having my diamond reset into a heart pendant so I could still wear it but in a different way. It gives it a new meaning for me.

 

I have three daughters. Once in awhile I wonder if I'm being judged 'the mom of 3 with no wedding ring?? No husband??' What I realized was that them possibly judging me isn't what bothers me. What bothers me is that my daughters had an amazing father, and I had an amazing husband. He would never have chosen to leave us, but here we are just a mom and 3 kids. That is what everyone that doesn't know us sees. If they only knew...

[JeanGenie]

I can relate to so much of what all of you have said.  I am 2 yr 2 mos out and I honestly cannot recall the specific day I took my rings off.  I had been to the jewelers and got the diamond cleaned and put it away after that.  I had his band on a chain around my neck and so I put my band there as well.  It rested so nicely inside his.  I wear these everyday, hidden under my shirt for no one to see but me, close to my heart.  I still wear my anniversary band on my right hand...just because it's too pretty a ring to put away, and it's on the right hand.

 

I did the crazy thing of checking for rings on other people as well.  I would look at others and see their rings and think how lucky for them...they are married and have someone who loves them (although as Jen says I do realize this doesn't mean they really are happily married).  And here I was miserable and lonely and grieving and I didn't want the world looking at me, seeing my rings, and thinking "lucky her, happily married" because that was far from the truth.

 

It is interesting how this ring is so defining--for both us and how we look at others.  We all rationally know the presence or absence of a ring doesn't really tell us anything about that person and their lives but I still find myself looking and making assumptions even though I know better.  In fact, my husband was one of those married men who didn't wear his ring often due to his work but I still put so much definition into that band that might be on mine or someone else's finger.

 

Mikeeh, it was hard to take that ring off at first.  I tried it and it filled me with more emptiness. I switched it to my right hand and that didn't feel "right" either.  So it remained until that day when it came off and it felt right.  So remove your ring when and if it feels right.  What I've realized though is that if I want to be open to meeting someone else and not be alone the rest of my life, then I need to first love myself and be happy with where I am now, being alone.  The miserable being alone or alone being miserable is a good question.  Just need to remove the "miserable" part...easier said than done.

[BrokenHeart2]

Mikeeh, I am in the process of taking my ring off and on and repeat. I'm struggling with it too. When I'm home I take it off and when I go out it's back on except for pottery class. This grief shit makes me feel crazy some days.

Hugs

[mikeeh]

It is so interesting to see how different, but not wrong, our perspectives are on some of these issues.  I think we all envy the married couples we see and give no thought to if their marriage is a happy one or not.  We assume that it is a marriage and not a trip to Disney or the Bahamas.  Is it fun, or easy, or perfect?  No, it;s a damn marriage with all the aggravation and trouble that happens whenever two different people try to blend their lives together. It's still better than what we have.  Not that there aren't some truly horrible marriages out there but we tend to not think much about those.

[Jen]

Mizpah and Mikeeh, thank you for your kindness and confidence. I haven't done much but cry in the last few days, but you gave me a tiny bit of hope-- or something like it, anyway-- and I'm grateful. (((((Hugs)))))

[lcoxwell]

I have come back to this thread and read it several times, over the last few days. I have really been thinking about this concept of all that our wedding rings represent to us and how our losses may have changed our perceptions, as we look at other people. I wonder if our losses make us notice rings on others more so than the average person notices?

 

Personally, I haven't worn my rings, since shortly before my Kenneth died. He had lost so much weight, that his ring fell off and was lost. He was so bothered by the fact that his ring was gone, that I took mine off, to ease his guilt. For the longest time, I didn't think twice about it. Then, he was gone, and I placed a whole new meaning to those rings.

 

I, too, have found I am much more likely to look for rings on other people, now that I am widowed. Like many of the rest of you, I don't think about whether others have a happy marriage, or not, I just see the ring and automatically begin to feel a mix of emotions. I think how fortunate they are to have someone to love them. I become jealous. I feel the loneliness, wonder if others notice that I have no rings, and wonder what they must think about the fact that there's no rings on my left hand. I long to be married again, to have those rings, which represent the love, the security, the bond, and the sense of belonging. At the same time, I am in a new relationship and cannot bring myself to wear my rings, anymore, out of respect for my new relationship.

 

In my mind, it's a good thing that there are no definite rules about whether we should or should not wear our rings, or for how long we should wear them. We can do what makes us feel comfortable, and I don't think it is a measure of whether one of us is doing better, or handling our widowhood any more successfully, than anyone else.

 

I will say that this thread peaked my curiosity, so I asked some of my single friends if they typically paid attention to whether other people are wearing wedding rings. Most of them mentioned they only noticed, when they were "on the prowl". So for those of us, who worry about how other people view us, in light of whether we wear our rings or not, I don't think it matters as much to non-widows and non-widowers. Of course, that is just my opinion.

[mikeeh]

I am at risk of coming off as a creepy pervy wanker here, especially being a guy.

 

Is it just me or aren't we all kind of 'on the prowl' almost all the time?  Maybe not actively looking but secretly hoping.  Hoping that almost  by accident we will find that someone that will fill the gaping hole in our lives.

 

I think we have multple motives for checking out those fingers for rings, and at least subliminally part of it is wondering if this one could be the one to make us whole again.

 

Then again it could be just me, probably is.

[BrokenHeart2]

Hey Mikeeh, no I don't think you're being creepy at all. Just honest.  I too have found myself  secretly hoping, so I get it. There are times I wished I didn't have my ring on.  Then I think "What, really have I lost my mind"

Such a crazy journey, for me anyway.

Higs

[Wheelerswife]

Mikeeh,

 

I've never found you the least bit creepy. What are you hiding from me? 

 

I realize, though that you are seriously asking these questions.  I don't think it is the least bit odd to check out people in your head and wonder...

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[mikeeh]

Gives our two lunches together a whole different feel doesn't it.

[Max2507]

Don't think it sounds creepy at all, I do the same thing. Not ready to date or be in a relationship but look around, peruse match.com hoping for a future, have a person for me.

[Virgo]

I don't think it sounds creepy either. I think it's normal. I noticed more recently that I'm starting to make eye contact and 'look.' Before when I would go out I would just keep to myself, not make eye contact with anyone, just get the task at hand done and go home.

[MrsT85]

Is it just me or aren't we all kind of 'on the prowl' almost all the time?  Maybe not actively looking but secretly hoping.  Hoping that almost  by accident we will find that someone that will fill the gaping hole in our lives.

 

I think we have multiple motives for checking out those fingers for rings, and at least subliminally part of it is wondering if this one could be the one to make us whole again.

 

This doesn't sound creepy at all.  I found myself doing the very same thing - almost immediately - and for a while was very upset with myself for doing so.

 

I think for me, it was more of a "what kind of single people my age are even still out there" thing, wondering if even be able to fill that yawning abyss losing him had blown into my life.  I was 27 and hadn't thought about dating since I was 19.  I figured that by most people's late 20s/early 30s, most of those who were actually good catches AND had the desire to settle down would be married already, and that I'd likely need to wait 5-10 years for some of those marriages to start ending in divorce before it freed up a few of the desirable age-appropriate men my age. 

[Carey]

I haven't read all the responses yet ... but Mike that touched me so much. for one, it's beautifully written and number two, it resonated with me .. I was like YES!!! That's it EXACTLY what I've been trying to articulate about how I feel about my rings and my past and fear for the future, that I'm unlovable.  That that was all I'd ever have and I'm alone.  I obviously have no encouragement but I had to say that I am RIGHT there with you. 

[Ursula]

Mikeeh, no it is not creepy. I believe it is just the way you feel. it is totally ok to look at people's fingers, we all do it .I do it too. Just generally thinking that whenever I kind of think somebody is interesting to look at , they usually wear a ring and then I think , what the hell, I don't even want to meet anybody.

I  wear my ring, despite and with a point. I never agreed to this and I don't want to look available .I am not ready. I have no idea if I ever will be ready. I don't think I am so bad, so I rather wear my rings so nobody even thinks about talking to me... that may be weird too..haha.. Probably stubborn, like a little child. I am sulking at life.

So you are totally ok. It is amazing how we all experience this ring- business so differently.

mikeeh, Jen, everyone, I believe we are all totally loveable somewhere, especially you. Don't put yourself down, yes, it hurts to read what you say about yourself. 

our situations are just os incredibly complex and difficult, how can we be relaxed and cruise along through live, before we have not totally dismantled ourselves and everything connected to us, so we can start to rebuild??  ( I am probably not making much sense anymore, so will go to bed).  it is good to talk to you guys, as always

[mikeeh]

Carey, thanks for your reply.  While I hate the idea of any of us going through this stuff but I know I always find it gratifying and reassuring when someone puts into words thought I am unable to express.  Just knowing that I am not the only one thinking this way is reassuring so I am glad I could provide that for you in this case.