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gracelet

Sobbed on new girl

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I'm casually seeing a girl (we're on date 4) and it's certainly complicated.  Both of us have triggering anniversaries this month and are in delicate places.  Me being me, I got absolutely smashed yesterday afternoon on four ciders while we took a little doggy she doggysits out for the day.  It was, as she called it, the first 'datey date' she's been on in a long time.

 

This is the first time I've been with a dog for two years and it naturally led to lots of reminiscing conversations about my wee puppy.  She went to live with my in-laws for a bit when wife and I were having problems and was never returned... This girl is comfortable talking about Elle - far more than other girls I've dated.  She found my blog and has digested my introductory post http://eerilycheerily.com/2015/05/28/dating-a-widow/ called 'A open letter to the women I date who discover this blog' so she half knows what she might be getting into.

 

Anyway, probs TMI here, but mid sex (once we'd gotten back to the house - not in the park!!), we both ended up crying. It was awful yet wonderful at the same time.  She started crying first.  This is a girl who has walls up and is emotionally guarded.  I didn't get to the bottom of it truly before I burst into tears too.  I told her I felt rejected because of my widow shit.  She said it's not that. 

 

Cue about twenty minutes of drunken crying and after I'd talked to her and she had managed to compose herself, me sobbing back on her.  Like really sobbing on her while she held me tight.  It felt like a milestone, yet I'm so terrified I've scared her off now. But, wow, what an amazing feeling it was to have her close, stroking me, telling me I was safe.

 

I miss that.

 

Who else has cried on a new partner?  Is this normal?

 

Just rambling

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No sobbing....I do that  only occasionally and by myself in my bed in the dark..... true,right from the beginning.

 

But my rare tearyeyed sad moments have sometimes been in the presence of BF. I can let go and know I will be supported. It is a good place to not have to be strong, to not be in charge or in control. He will look after me for that moment.

 

Basically saying I understand.

 

 

 

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Gracelet, I read your post and thought, "Oh shit..."

 

(But before I get to that, what you did is probably pretty normal.  Little surprises me about this widow lark these days; it's so unpredictable in every way other than its entirely predictable undertone of misery, and crying in a situation such as the one you described sounds par for the course.)

 

I've recently found a new girlfriend myself, but have yet to get to the upper levels of physical intimacy.  The last person who saw me without my underwear on (other than the doctor) was my wife.  The only person I've ever had sex with - yeah, ever - was my wife.  So god only knows how this is going to play out.

 

But I want to have sex with the new girl.  And she me, one hopes.  I'm determined not to be scared off by what happened or didn't happen in the past.

 

I'm fully expecting something along the lines of what you described, except nothing like what you described.  That's my experience of widowhood thus far; my subconscious is playing by its own set of rules, and it changes those rules every day without telling me.  I'll report back after the knickers have come off, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in the "wft emotional responses" department.

 

I hope your new girl comes back.  Sounds like you've found a good match for where you are in life at the moment.

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At one point, early on, NG said he couldn't believe I didn't cry the first time we had sex. Poor guy felt a tremendous responsibility being the first new person I was with in 25 years!  I have cried on him a few times but not during sex.

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At one point, early on, NG said he couldn't believe I didn't cry the first time we had sex. Poor guy felt a tremendous responsibility being the first new person I was with in 25 years!  I have cried on him a few times but not during sex.

 

Very similar experience with my first relationship post widowhood.

He wasn't sure if I would cry and he kept asking if I was ok.

 

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It was actually her who cried first, which is why I got all freaked out and thought it must be my (and ergo dead wife's) fault.

 

We've had sex quite a few times with no emotion like this coming up.  Grief doesn't affect me when having sex with women, but it's the letting my walls down and her seeing just how crushed I am by my wife's death that worries me. Whilst completely naked and covered in snot.  Sexy and I know it.

 

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Guest TooSoon

For what it is worth, I completely lost it on Sunday night (and spectacularly managed to parlay it into Monday morning) for absolutely no apparent reason and beyond all logic.  Adp and I were having a blast and then...... ?????  I stopped asking why long ago.  I'm pretty sure he must have, too, since he's still around.  :)  Solidarity.

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I think this is one of the things that scares me about starting romantic relationships again-- I'm really not sure how I'd react to physical intimacy. I know, I know, it's 2015 and guys are allowed to cry now but I really don't want to do that to some poor girl who just wanted a nice evening.  Hypothetical Her:  "Beautiful moon!"  Me: "Yeah, just like the night my wife died.  Waaaaaaah!!!!"  Okay, after four years, maybe wouldn't say that aloud, but....

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Guest CastleOnSand

Nothing wrong with sobbing on someone else.

Actually I could see it as quite sexy ; )

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Nothing wrong with sobbing on someone else.

Actually I could see it as quite sexy ; )

 

REALLY???  About a dead spouse?! Methinks not.

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Guest CastleOnSand

That's not how it was meant. If that's the way you see things, perhaps you're not ready for a commitment, or relationship.

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That's not how it was meant. If that's the way you see things, perhaps you're not ready for a commitment, or relationship.

 

I just mean that I wouldn't call it 'sexy'  ;).  Commitment and relationships will definitely require mutual comfortableness about crying about our grief. My heart is open and ready, I'm just amazed she hasn't run away!

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I'd have to say it depends on where you are in the relationship, right?  I was extremely open emotionally with my wife, and she with me.  But it wasn't a day one thing.  I'm never going to lose my love for my late wife, and that means I'll always grieve for her.  I'm not sure Hypothetical First Date Girl  (or even fourth or fifth date) wants or needs to have that whole freight train dumped on her.  If things flower into a full blown relationship, sure.  But again, that takes time before you're both ready for this.

 

At least that's my thoughts.  I'll caveat that with the truth that I haven't been involved with anyone since I lost my wife.  I'd like to hear from those who have gone on to successful second relationships.

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Yesterday and today were real milestones for me and potentially new woman. You see, today is the second sadniversary. A part of me thought I'd be crumpled in a heap on the floor wanting to kill myself like I felt in the early days, but experience has shown that this grief no longer floors (no pun intended) me. I've taken the day off work and I'm sitting on the sofa, enjoying listening to the leaves on the trees rustling, what sounds like a duck quacking (bit bizarre considering I live in central London!), and eating the remnants of a Chinese takeaway.

 

Last night was the first night I slept over at new woman's house. I feel asleep happy, and I woke up happy - on the sadniversary. How can this be?! Some of you might be aghast and thinking, 'how could she be so disrespectful?' but I have no regrets. I only had a trickle of tears in the middle of the night when we talked about cuddly toys being the holder of many secrets! Elle used to say that too.

 

What has really touched me and floored me is new woman's sensitivity. Despite still sort of using the label of 'casual' on our dalliances, it was she who invited me round and said there was a safe place at hers for me if I needed to escape the bad memories of my house (wife hung herself in the bedroom). She said she wanted to respect my loss, but also said that she totally understood if I felt I couldn't deal with being around her.

I really can't believe it.

 

It's complicated, yet it's not. I've fallen for this woman and she encourages me to feel alive, which indeed I do.

 

She also showed me a beautiful poem which I've pasted below. I don't think it quite reflects how she feels, but I hope it will some day. I hope someone will love me as their hurricane.

 

I hope some of you like it - I think it's very apt for us widows.

 

Mouthful of Forever (by Clementine von Radics):

 

I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin. Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we?d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be part of its miracle. This is how we heal. I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I?m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found you And I will not be afraid of your scars. I know sometimes it?s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know whether it?s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousand questions, you are the most beautiful thing I?ve ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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"You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers."  I misread this as "a mouthful of leftovers" and I just couldn't understand it!

 

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Guest TooSoon
It's complicated, yet it's not.

 

I sure can relate to this - I resisted it for so long....if I am such a mess then why isn't this relationship?  (see above for my longstanding self-sabotage habits).  But it hasn't been. 

 

But even when it is complicated (or put more accurately, I am acting like a lunatic), it is still somehow easy and always good.  That, too, has been a doozy for me. 

 

Hugs, Grace.  Enjoy it.  xx

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Grace, I am very very happy for you... and slightly pissed that you have reduced me to helpless sobs. I'm so weary of crying. At the same time, I'm immensely comforted to see that there really is a chance that there's a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. (((Hugs)))

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Finding someone who respects your grief and is willing to bear witness to it, be a respite from it, and be a part of your present, is a beautiful thing.

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So happy for you Grace.

I'm so glad she is understanding and supportive with you.

You deserve nothing less.

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Can I just gloat for a tiny bit please? My friends don't get how big a deal, and how happy yet complicated it is that I have fallen for someone new. I never thought I'd feel comfortable, truly comfortable, in another's arms again. I am so thrilled! She's a keeper. She's mine and I'm hers, although we continue to pace ourselves.

 

Of course my friends say I deserve it, that Elle would want me to be happy. But they don't get how truly miraculous it is that my heart, and not just my bed, has opened to another woman. I never thought this could happen, and I now cry out of relief and happiness, as opposed to bleak desperation and profound sadness.

 

Mind fuck.

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Oh Grace that poem was beautiful! I hope one day I can feel like that about someone.... But hachi "Mouthful of leftovers" cracked me up! I probably can't look at the poem the same now! Hahaha  ;D

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It has been a very, very long time since I've been on this site. Hope there are a few lurking about who remember me. I have left the hideous stories behind me, but the grief does pop up time to time. I did a search for my old posts and came across this one. I don't remember much of what I wrote  on YWBB and here.

 

But I wanted to share that 3 and a bit years on from writing it, the woman referred to above as NG has become my fiancée and tomorrow we start looking at wedding venues.

 

When she proposed, she quoted the poem I mentioned above.

 

"you are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane." Immediately followed by "will you marry me?"

 

Don't give up people. Accepting, unconditional love can find you again.

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