Crazy Widow Lady Strikes Again...

[Guest Lost35]

It has been a beautiful, sunny day.  I picked up my five-year-old from full-day Kindergarten and spent some time playing with him and some of the other kids on the playground.  (There were a lot of people there, due to the weather.)  I was running around, pushing swings, and playing.  All was well. 

 

Time to leave.  My son runs ahead (as he always does), yelling, "last one to the parking lot is a rotten egg!"  I laugh and trot up right behind him and remind him not to go past the curb for the parking lot.  As I'm leaving, little kids are running by, calling out, "Bye, H.'s Mom!" and I am smiling at the thought of my newfound identity.

 

Turn the corner...no child.  No panic.  He has just crested the hill.  I get to the top...no child.  I look back and around corners...no child.  No people anywhere.

 

When P.'s plane went missing, there was a good six hours that I waited, hoping to God this wasn't what it might end up being.  Then there was an hour when we knew there was a survivor, but didn't know if it was him or not.  That wait was too much for my body and I've struggled with PTSD for years as a result.

 

I see his teacher's helper and some other parents.  They start looking.  I run back to the playground...no child.  I run back...no sign of him.  Now everything is getting blurry and I can't breathe.  I start calling for him.  People are running around looking.  He is gone. 

 

Some men across the street, working on a car, run over and start looking.  At this point, I feel like I'm going to die.  Total Panic.  I can't breathe.  I'm hyper-ventilating.  My body is right back to that day and that wait.

 

Then someone calls that he has been found, and had run around the school and stopped somewhere to play.  I start crying, still can't breathe, and give him a hug.  His teacher had heard the commotion and had run out of a meeting to help.  So now I'm standing in the middle of a crowd of people, totally overtaken with panic, apologizing for my reactions and really just needing to get away.

 

It was horrible.  And now I wish I could crawl under a rock.  But I have to go tomorrow and face everyone and try not to look like the crazy lunatic mother who was running around in a complete panic yesterday.

 

Ugh.

 

I thought you guys might understand, so I came here to get it out of my head.  I keep thinking I've come a long way and am doing much better, and then something like this happens, and I'm back at day one.

 

-L.

 

 

[NoKindaDancer]

I get it. I've felt the same sense of panic - all consuming, heart racing, stomach punching panic. I'm sorry it happened to you.

 

Hold your head high. You and your child are ok. That's all that matters. The other opinions matter about as much as a drop of water in the ocean.

 

It's crazy what brings it all back, isn't it?!

[Guest Lost35]

Yes, it is crazy. 

 

Thank you for your post.  I'll be remembering your words as I walk up to the school tomorrow morning...

[Lisa]

Hold your head high. I've been through that sheer panic. There is no hiding upit. It is organic, feels crazy but is completely normal. Hugs

[Guest tableforone]

I taught elementary school for years. A handful of times a child went missing for short periods of time. Every time parents and or teachers were sobbing with relief when they were found. No one will think it was strange you were so upset. Really.

 

So glad he was safe. And I understand ptsd flashbacks. Scary. Big hug.

[widowat33]

Even without the loss of our partner I think when something like that happens we panic, it just seems amplified because we now know to expect the worst.

Before the loss of my dh I worried, but no more than what was considered normal, because bad things happen to other people, until it did happen to me. Now it's very hard to not let it consume me.

By the sounds of it, with all the people helping you search, you weren't the only one worried about him. Honestly, and this might be judgemental, but I would be more concerned about the mom who didn't worry about their kid!

So happy he was found fairly quickly and safe!

Hugs

[Guest Lost35]

Thank you all for your replies.  You are all making me feel better about it! 

 

I think I end up at the worst cast scenario because I've been there before.  The, "it's probably okay" or any other self-soothing thinking doesn't work.  I know what it feels like to watch someone walk away like it's a normal day and have that be the very last time you ever see them.  Ever.

 

I'm taking deep breaths and am going to remember your wise words tomorrow.  I'll try not to feel embarrassed. 

 

Thank you.

 

-L.

[Trying]

Just a few moments of a child gone missing is terrifying for any parent but like you said, you know that the worst can happen. I wouldn't think twice about your reaction. I'm so glad all turned out well, this will stick with you a while I'm sure.  Keep hugging that boy tight!

[Guest TooSoon]

Two summers ago I lost my daughter at an amusement park at the boardwalk in the beach town we frequent.  It was just after an Easter egg hunt on the beach and the place was a zoo.  I completely lost it.  For about 20 minutes we (me, the security guys, and some miscellaneous parents), frantically searched for her.  But she was moving around, too, and we just kept missing a connection.  I've never been so frightened in my life and I was FLIPPING OUT.  When I found her, I just collapsed.    After that we made a plan.  She memorized my cell phone number and the beach house address and we talked about how she could, in a place like that, find a security guard or a ride operator who could help her call me or help her find a policeman.  But in those 20 minutes it was a utter panic.  I totally get it.   

[Carey]

We never know what's going to smack us in the face.  It's very hard to explain to ourselves much less other people.  But I think we hold the overall general total panic of being widowed at bay a lot. Keep it contained because it's just tooooo much to deal with. Our brains protect us from some of that.  But when the adrenallne starts pumping over something else, it's like pieces of that grief/abandonment/panic come in to play as well. Like our brains can't handle the two at once.  Losing the ability to compartmentalize.  And I'm a year and a half out, so I have no idea when or if that ever stops. Because what might be a bad issue to a lot of people , to me gets compounded because of the elements of C's loss that are inevitably brought to mind at the time.  You're NOT a crazy lady.  You've been through tremendous emotional trauma and lost SO much that fear of losing what you have left is a tangible monster. And I cant imagine anyone thinking you were crazy for that.  I am so very very thankful your baby was okay and found quickly and so sorry you had that trauma but really I do think you are not crazy at all. 

[PhotoJunkie]

You are not crazy.  Your a parent dealing with a lot of stress and the PTSD stuff.  If it makes you feel better, my husbands family shut down disneyland and there were 6 adults involved.  My nephew wandered off and none of the adults knew where he was (long story behind that one and not really important) while 4 of us searched, one stayed with the remaining children and my MIL and daughter went to the gate and when they asked one of the employees what to do, they shut the park down.  We found him less than 2 minutes later but still...it was terrifying at the time.  I think all the adults needed a time out and a xanax at that point.  Now?  a few years later?  We laugh. 

 

Big Big hugs to you.  Fighting that terrifying feeling that your child is missing is not fun. 

 

 

[Guest Lost35]

Thank you again, Everyone, for posting.  It is very reassuring to hear your views.  Carey, your post about keeping the general panic at bay really resonated.  I think that is what it is all about.  His teacher came out this morning and was very gracious and told a story of losing her young daughter and the panic it caused.  She is a very amazing lady.

 

That panic is so close to the surface.  It is a struggle to keep it in check.  I really appreciate all the posts.  Thank-you.

 

Take care,

 

-L.

[ATJ]

It was horrible.  And now I wish I could crawl under a rock.  But I have to go tomorrow and face everyone and try not to look like the crazy lunatic mother who was running around in a complete panic yesterday.

 

(((Lost35)))

 

You are NOT a "lunatic", far from it!! You are a deeply caring mother who has been through hell and is making her way alone through this crazy, often scary life.

 

 

 

 

You are Mama Bear protecting her cub!!

 

Just reading your story made my heart pound, and I don't even have children.

 

Here's a  BIG Hug for You and your little guy!

 

ATJ

 

 

[RobFTC]

The same summer, we lost track of Rebecca for almost an hour at a park when she went off with a friend, and then lost Sarah for about an hour at a music festival.  In both cases, I was trying to not overreact, but did a lot of frantic walking and looking.  In both cases, I was a step or two away from calling the police when they turned up.  That prompted me to get phones for them (they were 11).  Facing that alone was one of the toughest damned things.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Captains wife]

I feel for you on this. My husband was killed in a boating accident and he was missing for 8 hours until they found him. I heard the whole search and rescue on the VHF. It was grueling...but I also think (and my grief therapist thinks) I have PTSD from this.

 

Your post resonated with me because I also would have acted the very same as you did when you couldn't immediately find your young son. You shouldn't be embarrassed at all, you care about the well being of your son...For some reason, I think the worst when things happen (i.e. my young son and I have been in and out of the Emergency room recently) and I personally just panic and I too think of that day my husband disappeared. It just wont get out of my head. My son has wandered off on me on a few occasions too and I get frantic and cry so these days I don't let him out of my sight when we are outside.

 

Wishing you all the best....NONE of this is easy......

 

 

[Guest Lost35]

Captains wife,

 

Thank you for your post, and for understanding.  I'm sorry you know what this feels like.  I've tried to figure out exactly what caused the physical reactions that persist, over six years later, and I've come to the conclusion is was that phone call, the wait, the subsequent calls and updates, and the wait.  My body has never let go of what that felt like, and try as I might, it jumps up every now and then as if it's happening again.  It is beyond terrifying.

 

I don't let my little guy out of my sight, either.  But I try not to be a panicky Mamma in front of him, because I don't want him to pick up on my difficulties.  It is hard, and I don't think I'm entirely successful, but I try.  The thing is, I've been "practicing" letting him run off on the school property as he knows the boundaries and is there playing without me five days a week.  It's unfortunate that this happened at school, but perhaps I can think that even though it could have been a worst-case scenario, everyone stopped to help and it turned out well. 

 

The difficulty is, while I have no problem understanding this in my mind, my body does not seem to be paying any attention!

 

Again,  thank you for your post.  Part of what is healing for me is to understand that I'm not alone and what I'm sometimes going through is what one would expect to go through, given the circumstances.  I can at least stop being so hard on myself!

 

Take care,

 

-L.

[kjs1989]

I am so sorry you went through that. Something  similar happened to me.  My 15 year old daughter went back to school a week after her dad's funeral.  The school called and said she was "missing" and not in class. I completey freaked out. The office thought I was crazy I am sure. I was ready to call the police. I was crying and screaming on the phone. I imagined she had left the school and was roaming the streets.

 

Turns out she was having a rough go of it  in class and asked to go to the counselor's office where she spent the rest of the day. The teacher neglected to tell the office.

 

It was so awful. I had a true panic attack. I get it.