serpico

Totally normal. And a bit humiliating, for a guy at least At least that's what some friends told me it was like

If you husband had died six months ago I would agree that you are moving too fast, but a six month relationship this far into widowhood seems like a pretty sturdy base from which to move forward. i noticed that your daughter started with the disrespect before you brought up the possibility of him moving in, so it seems that she doesn’t want you even getting close with someone. That’s a fair way to feel, I guess, but it doesn’t excuse her being disrespectful. i don’t agree with the advice that your kids should come first. You are the head of the household and you get to decide how things get done. I’m assuming you haven’t taken up with a louse here, and I imagine your daughter would have issues with any man you got close to. That’s problematic, but it’s something she’s going to have to work out. I like the idea of insisting on counseling unless she starts being more respectful. She has some sort of unresolved problem, and as a parent it’s your job to help her fix the problem, not to cater to her wants.

There's your hint. I would definitely ask him about the age thing - it may be interesting to find out his answer. Maybe he simply entered something incorrectly on the dating app/website? I do find the comments about one lie begetting other lies to be humorous. Who among us has never lied? Does that make us all serial liars? If I get a traffic ticket does that mean I have total disregard for all laws? And his 'lie' (if it was indeed a lie) couldn't have been counted on to deceive you for long - he'd had to know that you would find out sooner than later he's older than he said he was.

As a wise person stated in another thread, you can call yourself what you want, but don't be surprised if someone disagrees or tries to correct you. Maybe that wouldn't bother you - it's totally your call. I don't subscribe to the 'they are just words' theory. Words are meant to have meaning, and if I'm not married I just can't see myself telling people that I am. I would consider that to be a lie. None of these thoughts are meant to discourage you from doing whatever it is you want to do. I'm just pointing out my feelings on the matter. We have a legal definition of marriage in this country, and there are legal pros and cons that go along with being married. I understand wanting the pros without taking on the cons, but life isn't always that simple.

A lifelong friend of mine was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor. He's 46 years old and has a wife and three kids, all of whom are my kids' ages. My friends and I are doing the usual fundraising to gather financial support, and we're hosting what looks to be a huge 5K this weekend. This is something we can help with, and we're getting a great response from our small, close-knit community. However, I struggle with how and how often to communicate with my friend. Because he's a well-known member of this community and has impacted so many lives, I know that he and his wife have been inundated with calls, texts, visits, etc., and I don't want to overwhelm them. Based on some online research, his prognosis is not good, but they are looking into different treatment measures. He or his wife will send a group text on occasion to let us know how things are going, and that's all the updates I need because the last thing they need is one more person prying into their lives. I guess I'm asking for input from members whose spouses had cancer and potentially knew they didn't have long to live. That prospect isn't something I want to address with him, but if he brings it up I'll be glad to talk with him about it. He's the money manager in his family and his wife knows very little, and as a finance person who is also a widower, I think it's important for him to start passing on some information. I understand he's been reluctant to do so - thinking that he's going to beat this - and I don't really want to be the bad guy by bringing this up. I want to do and say the right thing, but mostly I don't want to get in their way, anger them, or further complicate their situation. Any advice would be appreciated...

It’s not clear to me how you could hold the renter to her contract if you are selling the house? Does the contract state that she can continue to rent if you sell the house? If so, the new owner would get the rent payments, no? Even forgetting that part, holding someone to a lease is not a simple procedure. Yes, technically they owe you the money, but forcing them to pay would entail getting a judgment against them and even if you get that it’s not a simple thing to collect on the judgment.

Are the kids living with you? Are you supporting them?

Well, I'm here to say that it CAN go away. Which isn't to say that it will for you or anyone in particular, but there are plenty of widows that go on to live beautiful and fulfilling lives. It CAN happen. Please try to keep the faith that it will.

Comparing any two situations that aren't perfectly identical is asking for trouble, especially depending on the sensitivities of those involved. At the same time, though, we as widows have to be careful about claiming the undisputed world championship of pain. As painful as a well-loved spouse's death can be, I also can't imagine the pain of that same spouse abruptly choosing to sever all ties and live with another person, especially if children are involved. Both scenarios can wreck lives, and I don't believe it's our call to decide which one is worse.

The attractive thing about life insurance is that it is very cheap when purchased at a young age by healthy people. I'm talking about term insurance, not whole life, which I've always been leery of. But there are some policies that offer 'return of premium' at the end. Of course, they are more expensive and you are essentially lending interest-free money to the insurance company, but your premiums aren't forfeited with such plans. My first wife and I looked at buying life insurance as making a (small) financial sacrifice to provide for the other in case one of us died young. We locked in our rate for 20 or 25 years and likely wouldn't have re-upped once the policy matured. Collecting the life insurance caused me some guilt in the early stages but it's definitely something I'm glad we did.

Their main need is for a well-adjusted mother. If dating is what you want to do, I say go for it. You can explain things to them as much or as little as you want to, but they aren’t in charge of your life.

You’re right, she didn’t, but she did - twice. I think that’s what got my antenna up a little - why is it so important to tell you about something that should really be inconsequential if she doesn’t have any feelings for him? Maybe she’s fine and I really hope things work out between you two, but she seems to be playing games or something. We’re only getting half the story here, but something just seems off. Best of luck to you.

My only thought is whether your sons are old enough and responsible enough to handle that money now?

I think it's important to consider your in-laws' feelings as well. How will your eventual decision to cut ties affect them? The kind of relationship you've had with them should probably factor in as well.

I told my kids the absolute minimum. They knew I was dating but I didn’t give details as to who. I learned this the hard way - I brought one woman home to spend time with them way too early in the relationship. My youngest bonded a little with her and when it didn’t work out she was crushed. I felt terrible but it was a good lesson. As for using family as a babysitter, I did that as well. You’re not breaking any rules and at over a year out I would hop they would understand that. With all that said it is certainly tougher to date when you’re the only parent. Best of luck!

Since you've noted an appreciation for feedback I'm going to give you some more... I disagree completely. If you're in a relationship with him it IS now your problem. It doesn't mean you caused it or you're to blame, but thinking it's just his problem is not realistic. You are 100% correct about this. As for who actually draws the line, that's just semantics. Portside says you can't do it, and I see his logic, because you aren't the one with the ability to sever communications with his ex. On the other hand, you DO have the power to draw a line, as in "um, if you don't curb these exchanges with your ex that make me very uncomfortable, things aren't going to work out between the two of us and we should probably just say our goodbyes". An ultimatum, if you will. And if that's how strongly you feel about it, by all means go that route. I'm not sure I could put up with that level of engagement, but of course your mileage may vary.

Wow, it's weird to see Baylee's name on a thread. Haven't seen her on here for ever.

If this is the case I'm hoping Leadfeather runs like the wind. If she's gonna play mind games this early on she's not worth his time.

I really enjoyed ‘I’m Grieving as Fast as I Can’ by Linda Feinberg.

I agree completely. I would prefer to draw back from my late wife's family but it wouldn't be fair to them or to my children. I cannot fathom not making an effort to let my kids see their grandparents, and vice versa.

If it's not a large amount I would take it to your bank and see if they'll just allow you to deposit it into your account.

On my second date with my current wife, she mentioned to my one of my friends that she was weirded out that I referred to my late wife as my wife. It never would have occurred to me, but it bothered her and I understood. It made no difference to my late wife how I referred to her in conversation, so it made sense to me to make the change out of respect for the woman in my life who was still alive. I’m glad I did.

I think this is an important consideration. I see a lot of ‘do what you want’ here, but your fiance’s desires are just as important as yours. If you have to ‘talk him into it’, it makes me think that it wouldn’t be his first choice. Maybe a compromise is in order?

Same here, and since I have remarried I couldn't do it any other way. Someone gave me a poem in the early days - it was one of those supposedly written from my deceased wife's point of view - and one of the lines said something like 'Think about me a little, but not too much - you've got a life to live'.

In a nutshell, and not in reference to your situation specifically, this is it. And then when their 'flaws' are noted on a board like this they are immediately picked apart as 'red flags'. I sometimes wonder if a dating widower listed all of their deceased spouse's faults on a dating and instead attributed them to a fictional new interest, how many would be cited as non-negotiable reasons to end things...