serpico

This was my thought as well. I think absent my other information it would be best to listen to the guidance counselor.

If it's just plain 'interest' you're looking for, you may be on to something, but I'm not sure quantity is better than quality in this case, is it?

Wrong? No, I don't think there is a 'wrong' here. But I totally wanted that line in there when I remarried. It provides a clear demarcation for when the marriage is over. My first wife died, and I didn't, and now I have moved forward to try this marriage thing again. And if I die first, this marriage will be over. But I'm a very literal person, so there's that

How does one go about getting married without a marriage certificate?

I'm trying to think of a downside for giving your number out when the purpose is to actually date these people. You can always block the psychos. Am I missing something?

There is no need for anyone to 'flame' you, but I certainly hope you are getting whatever professional help is available to you. It sounds like you are in a horrible place, and I hate to hear that you've essentially given up on life. I'll be thinking of you.

Yeah, I'd say ignoring it would be the best way to get past it.

Don't let him tell you that's a gearshift you're holding on to. It ain't.

I get this from his perspective. My new wife recently saw my late wife's headstone for the first time and was very uneasy about it because it has a picture of our family on it. I don't see the big deal but she does, so I think it's important for me to be respectful of her feelings. My only suggestion is to keep talking so he knows you are listening.

As a landlord I have a major problem with this advice. It's part of the reason rents are as high as they are - deadbeats don't pay and leave their trash behind, and the landlord is stuck with the bill, resulting in higher rents for paying customers. Okay, end of rant The question I have is who signed the original lease? If it was your husband, is it still your responsibility? I'm not sure about that, and it's probably more of a legal question, but if you don't pay it I don't imagine you'll be able to get any of the stuff inside.

I think people do say this, and it's probably pretty good advice. As for how 'we' would feel about that, 'we' would collectively go apeshit and call the advice-giver a DGI, among other things. It doesn't mean it's not good advice, though.

While I agree this is his call there is no reason you shouldn't - if you so desire - point out to your son that maybe someday he'll wish he had included his Dad's name in the announcement. It's not going to hurt him to at least consider it.

I'm not qualified to say what is or isn't 'depression', but couldn't depression be caused by grief? That sounds obvious, but what I'm saying is that there are things you can do when you have depression, whether it is caused by grief or something else like an inherent chemical imbalance. I guess I see a lot of these posts and I worry about the apathy and its effect on people and those close to them. I understand the loss of hope due to being widowed but I like to think these feelings are temporary - even if 'temporary' in this case can mean many years.

I'm going to say this because it feels like the right thing. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe I'm right, but I'm not sure it really matters. I think you're prolonging the pain by maintaining contact, even if what you're doing isn't really 'talking'. This woman has told you all you need to know about her, and yet you are clinging to some ideal of what you think she is. By holding on you are preventing yourself from moving on to something better. And yes, moving forward is scary and unknown and much worse than what you used to have with this woman. But by bidding her farewell you would be doing yourself a huge favor by taking control of the situation - by not letting her dictate your happiness. You can disregard this advice and maybe people will tell me I'm not being empathetic, and I'm fine with that. But your situation mirrors one that I went through in so many ways that I can't stay silent. I got a lot of well-meaning advice about how I could maybe win her back or that I should just take a break and see if she will have a change of heart. What I didn't get was someone telling me to cut my losses and move the fuck on. Bluntly. So that's what I'm doing here. One last thought: If I had gotten the advice I'm giving you now I'm not sure how well I would have taken it. I may have lashed out and maybe that's how you'll take this, but I think it's something that needed to be said. Best of luck to you know matter what you do.

This is important information to consider. Blindly accepting and embracing every decision a loved one makes is not the most loving way to proceed, in my opinion.

Not sure what this is?

We can pile on the lady as much as we want, but coming from someone who has been in mikeeh's shoes, trashing her isn't going to help him to heal. It's raw, it hurts, and it doesn't make sense because it felt so right. I get it. I really do. And despite her flaws she still probably seems like the only one who could make things right - if only she would change her mind/outlook. And heck - maybe she will and you two will end up together. However, that's not how it appears right now, so it's probably best to proceed as if you won't see her again. I do agree with everyone on the no-contact period, though I'm not sure how 90 days got to be the magical number. It may take a lot more than that before your hide is toughened enough to take another encounter with her. Mine wasn't, I know that.

Your experiences mirror mine in many ways. I lost my wife to a car accident and we'll never know why it happened. She ran a stop sign in broad daylight and a friend had just talked with her on the phone so we don't believe she fell asleep. I also gave the eulogy at my wife's funeral and by all accounts did a wonderful job - I'm not sure exactly how considering everything was in a haze and I had three terrified kids sitting in the front pew of the church. Finally, I also did rather well and still do to this day - more than three years later. I certainly had my moments and I did sort of 'crash' after a few months but as portside mentioned, that doesn't mean it's going to happen to you. I suppose it could and it may be helpful to know that, but if it does you're just going to have to roll with it. I had some rather unorthodox methods of dealing with my wife's death - at least according to my friends, lol. I emailed about 40-50 close friends and family members and asked them to relate to me how they heard about the accident (I'm from a small and close-knit town) and how they told their loved ones. A few weren't comfortable responding and that was fine, but most did and later told me how glad they were that I had asked them. I ended up with tons of wonderful memories, because more than just their story of that day I heard about some wonderful things my wife had done that I never knew about. I also read a lot of books about traumatic loss because I believe a sudden and unexpected death is very much different than one that can be anticipated. As my counselor told me, I experienced actual trauma even though I didn't show any physical scars, and self-care is very important for any trauma victim. Regarding the books, though, I was very careful about any 'advice' that was in them. I'm one that would rather find my own way through things so while I educated myself I didn't worry about sticking to any set rules about my grief, such as the stages of grief and things like that. Grief doesn't fit into any nice buckets, unfortunately. I guess my point is that grief is a hugely personal thing and you get to call the shots as much as you can. I've rambled, but your story was a lot like mine and so it brought up a lot of memories. I wish you nothing but the best as you move through your experiences.

This was the exact thing that my first post-loss 'love' told me when she ended our relationship. It hurt like hell, and I reacted badly with accusatory emails, etc. It was the wrong way to handle it but it was righteous (I thought at the time) anger and I was venting. I know I hurt her with my accusations, though, and once I calmed down (months later) I felt terribly about it and I sincerely apologized to her and to her credit she forgave me. There will be no quick fix for this, I'm sorry to tell you. A good friend told me that I needed to 'sit in it' - to just sit in the anger, embarrassment, and frustration that I felt and take it all in. Then rinse and repeat as necessary. And it sucked. Big time. But it did help me over time. The old nuggets that people trotted out to me - 'It's always darkest before the dawn' and 'When one door closes another one opens' - were infuriating at the time, but there was some truth there. I'm hoping you can find some peace with this while having patience with the process of letting her go.

A moderate distance wouldn't have been a deal-breaker for me, but I also don't think someone who thinks it is should be considered a 'tool'. I wonder if the level of hostility required to make such a distinction is showing through in dating communications? This probably sounds like a criticism but it's really more of an observation or a question, but one may take it as one wishes...

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How about instead letting him know that you're concerned about the distance and you just don't think it would work out? Nobody enjoys being ghosted.

It's a rare thing in life - and especially on this board, IMO - for someone to take such critical look at oneself and be open to the possibility that maybe things aren't always entirely someone else's fault. I applaud your willingness to do that, because I know it's not a simple thing. It could've been...not 'easy', I guess, but at least maybe more convenient to cut your losses and move on than to stay and do the dirty work you've done. And now you, your daughter, and Widow Baby Daddy all get to reap the benefits. What a great story!

No she doesn't, I looked :-[ https://twitter.com/shannonrpowers

This has been my experience exactly. And I've found the key has been to have an open mind and to realize that just because I've been parenting these kids for three years by myself it doesn't mean I'm always right. Quite the contrary, actually. I mean, I've got our syatem down pretty well, but sometimes a fresh set of eyes can bring a much better perspective.