serpico

Me to my 15 and 12-year old boys: 'Soooo, I'm getting engaged tonight' ;D I know I sound flip and it's not like I didn't worry about it, but I knew this marriage would be a good thing, not only for me but because it's what is best for our family. That was the driver of my decision so I kept it cut and dried with the boys. My youngest girl (9) was told after it happened and she had a bit of a meltdown, complete with 'I miss Mom' moments that sorta deflated the night a little bit I guess I could have told her beforehand, but she wouldn't have been able to keep a secret like I knew my boys could. No matter how I did it, though, I knew my kids would adjust, and they have. And we had been seriously spending a lot of quality time together, so it didn't come as a huge surprise to any of my kids. Best of luck to you, I'm sure you'll do great!

I think the two oldest ones would normallly be the easiest, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. My advice is that you've really handled them with kid gloves for a long time now and it's time to be more assertive. Those two really aren't kids anymore, and it's time they understand that you're a mature woman who is looking into a wonderful future. I'm not sure there is anything more you can do to assure them that this new relationship won't diminish your love for your first husband. They may not like it but it's time for them to get used to it.

I don't think worrying about a widow constantly talking about their late spouse is a sign of insecurity but rather a common sense red flag that perhaps the widow is a little too rooted in the past to be able to move forward.

My fiancée tells me that I nearly didn't get a second date because I talked about my late wife so much on our first date. And on our second date she tactfully told a friend that I kept referring to my late wife as 'my wife', which made her question how 'ready' I really was for dating. I could have taken offense but when I considered her point of view her concerns made sense. I mention those instances only because I know you've been considering dating again. If it hadn't been pointed out to me I probably never would have realized how much I talked about her. And in and of itself it's no big deal, but I could see it giving pause to a potential mate.

I haven't been online in quite awhile but I absolutely enjoyed getting contacted by ladies. Maybe some men are completely different than me but I would never consider it too forward.

Well, are you showing interest in asking him out? If everyone used your strategy no one would ever ask first.

I guess you could save yourself some heartache this way, but it seems you could also me missing out with such rigid guidelines. While some men (and women) are probably this cut and dried I don't think most are.

I didn't see the original post so I can't comment on the appropriateness of portside's input in this particular instance. I can, however, vouch for his character and his desire to help those on this board. There are many different ways to help people, and portside's 'tough love' approach certainly runs against the grain of much of the advice/support that you see here. And he takes a lot of heat for it - he has been publicly 'shamed' plenty of times himself because he refuses to coddle people and give mealy-mouthed 'support' for things he doesn't agree with. And yet he is still here, shrugging off the insults and continuing to help people the only way he knows how to. And I'm thankful for it, because his blunt advice has helped me many times, even if it stung initially. Because he cares. Which is what matters.

Sex means so many different things for so many people. For some, a casual hookup means nothing more than a goodnight kiss. I'm not in that camp and it doesn't sound like you are, either. It sounds like this is having the same effect on you as it would on me. I won't lecture you about the 'casual relationship' aspect because that decision is in the past, but it doesn't sound like you have the same value system as her. It's nobody's fault, and I agree with portside that it's probably time to fish or cut bait. Things obviously aren't working now, so what do you have to lose if she doesn't want to get exclusive?

In order to dispel the notion that portside and I are the same dude 😬 I'm going to disagree with the old codger 😉. When I read your story I saw a lot of 'they said she said' occurrences, and I'm not sure it's clear that your 'friend' has really chosen sides. Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but I take it she has more contact with your in laws than she does you, so she's probably only getting one side of the story. I think it's worth a shot to set the record straight with her just so she knows the whole story. It also wouldn't hurt to let her know that it hurt you to see/hear her say these things about you. People do and say dumb things sometimes. If she truly is/was a friend, maybe extend an olive branch. You can always go General Sherman on her if she doesn't respond well ☺️

That's not a very good translation. How does anyone know what is 'superficial shit' versus 'next level trauma' without walking in that person's shoes?

This is probably how I would feel. His admissions to you obviously signal that a long-term commitment isn't likely in the near future (and nor would you want one), but if that's not what you're looking for right now, why not wait a bit and see if he comes around? I can see the reasons for the other advice you're getting on this thread, but I guess it all depends what you're looking for out of this... If nothing else, I think what he is telling you should put an end to any future-thinking.

I think it is perfectly acceptable to be upset with her, but when you accused her of being dishonest I believe that was an overreaction. She's got a lot going on and from what you told us she didn't commit to doing the entire walk. She may have a million reasons for this, and I dont think she should have to give you one that is ironclad and unimpeachable.

I think in this situation you SHOULD panic. I'm not saying you should run for the hills, but this fella needs to pump the brakes a little bit.

I don't know that I would say you are making 'too big a thing' about it, but now that you addressed it I think you can let it go. My older two kids will often say something like your son did, and I think it's because they are tired of getting the pitying looks. They just want to get it out there and move on because they're tired of being the 'special' one that lost their Mom. Death IS a fact of our lives - everyone's lives, actually, though many may not realize it yet. It sounds to me like your son is doing fine.

Lots of good thoughts on this thread - thank you! I think our 'conflict' is more a case of semantics than anything. She thinks we need to be each others' first priorities and I'm more inclined to say that it's situational, but everyone should be a priority in our new family. I gave her the example of her choosing to go to her daughter's soccer tournament a few weekends ago. I had no problem with her doing this, even though it meant we didn't see each other much that particular weekend. I pointed out that I didn't see it as her putting her daughter before me in general, just in that particular case. I didn't want to give specifics up front because I'm not trying to 'build my case', just trying to get different points of view. I think we're going to be fine once we're married, as we'll be seeing each other a lot more than we are now.

My fiancée and I have been having a lot of deep discussions lately as we plan our summer wedding. We both have kids (16, 15, 13, 12, and 9) and one constant theme has been some differences of opinion as to time spent with the kids versus with each other. I won't go into the details - yet - but I'd like to hear some thoughts as to how others have navigated or would navigate the question of who should be the priority - the new spouse or the kids?

Very interesting. My in-laws recently asked if I was okay remaining as the trustee of their trust. He specifically said they were keeping everything the same as far as the split of assets. If they had switched it and decided to funnel things directly to my kids that would have been fine with me, but I don't need the money. In your case I wonder if your mother-in-law realizes that this is money you could use right now and that not only will it benefit you but also her grandchild? I can see it being an awkward discussion, though. 'Hey, you know that money you were going to put in a trust for my kid? I'd like to have it instead' Maybe make sure she knows about the medical bills and how much your cash flow would improve without a mortgage?

^^^ No, it really doesn't. I guess, though, that I don't see it as a huge risk. I mean, I know all about stranger danger and all, but I'm not sure what sort of harm could come of a person 'knowing who you are' based on a dating website. If you have a date, they're probably going to know who you are anyway, and even if you don't end up having a date I don't think it's a big risk. It's a double-edged sword. We want to know all about our potential dates and we call it a 'red flag' if something they tell us doesn't match up with reality, but if we conceal our own identities we're really doing the same thing. [Tybec, I'm not picking on you here, it's just that your post brought this to mind]

Like sojourner said, it's going to vary by state. In Ohio it's not as simple as taking the old deed to the courthouse like you would a car title. An attorney has to draw up a new deed with the accompanying paperwork showing that your wife is deceased and you are the rightful owner. I believe you stated earlier that you had probate expenses - I would be surprised if your attorney didn't take care of this already, but if not give him or her a call.

The point about the house deed is a good one. I am a loan officer and recently had a closing held up by two months because the seller's wife had passed away some four years earlier but her name was still on the deed. In some situations the longer one lets things go the more difficult it is to change them.

Thousands? I wonder if this is a state-specific issue, because other than legal fees I don't remember having to spend much to get things switched around. I don't believe in my state (Ohio) that a vehicle title transfer would cost anything when it goes to a surviving spouse. I remember doing a lot of these things in the first month and I actually looked forward to them because they gave me something to focus on. For someone with less anal-retentive tendencies I'm sure they can be a pain, though.

^^^ I had that conversation with my attorney. He did his job well and told me all about how to put together a trust so all my assets go to my kids in the event something were to happen to me. But I wouldn't be marrying this woman if I didn't trust her completely to make the right decisions for my kids. So there will be no trust...but a lot of trust

I own my home outright (no mortgage) and I'm getting married in July. I am completely re-doing my living room and while I'm paying for nearly everything, my fianc?e is very involved in the process. I think it's only fair that she gets equal input, as it will be our home in a few months. While my fianc?e is by no means destitute, I have quite a bit more money than she does. When we get married, though, all of our assets will truly be our assets. Pragmatically it's probably not a wise decision on my part but I'm convinced it gives us the best chance to truly be one.

It's hard to answer without knowing all of the details about what they're inquiring about and what you don't want them to know. However, if you're attempting to 'deflect' it's probably likely they can tell that, and I don't think that would come off very well. Obviously if the questions are legally out of bounds you don't have to answer them - and may not want to work at such a company anyway - but if they 'just' make you uncomfortable you're probably going to want to work on becoming comfortable with them, because it's probably part of the normal vetting process.