serpico

Is there any sort of organized after-prom party? Our junior/senior parents have one at a local rec center or bowling alley and give away a ton of prizes so pretty much all the kids go. I'm probably more free-range than most, but I would allow my child to stay out until 2am on Prom night. She could get into trouble, sure, but that could happen on any night, not just Prom night.

I suggest looking into these first. At best, I believe they may have a placebo effect, but at worst essential oils could be an outright scam. Tread carefully.

It has already been established that Portside wasn't speaking for himself. It is his opinion that a woman who allows a man to insert his penis into her vagina (sound better?) on the first date is risking looking like an undesirable mate. You don't have to like that or the reasons behind it, and said woman doesn't have to care how she comes off, but it is not an unreasonable opinion.

I doubt this helps your insecurities, but it appears that you have changed and he hasn't, so I'm not sure it's fair to expect him to change. I also don't think waiting until things are more peaceable is a bad thing, though the general ambivalence regarding marriage on both of your parts makes this tougher to justify. I mean, if an official marriage isn't/wasn't a big deal, does it really matter if things don't work out? Those are my pragmatic thoughts, but here are my more heartfelt, empathetic thoughts: This must be really tough for you. Despite what I said above, you ARE entitled to a change of heart, and I'm sure it's difficult that your desire for marriage isn't shared by him. Advice? Not sure I have any, except to keep an open mind and try to see his side and maybe win him over without the lawyerly ruthlessness? (That was a joke ) Best of luck to you both.

Clearly the only acceptable answer here is that whatever you want to do is right. Which is a shame, because when I ask for advice I'm looking for all views, not only those that meet some politically correct litmus test.

Yeah, you can always give him, um, a hand or something

Try to keep a positive frame of mind despite the circumstances and potential triggers. Granted, I don't know you, but I think you'll find that you'll get through things very well BECAUSE you've been through it before. I think expectations play a big part in how we conduct ourselves, and if you go in expecting to become a puddling mess it's likely to happen. That won't be helpful to the new widow OR to you, so go in with a good mindset and do this work because it has to be done. You did the right thing by accepting the duties and you'll be glad you did it. Good luck!

Rather than asking someone, are you able to pay a neighbor kid a little bit to watch your child for an hour or two?

Yes, you absolutely have to, and maybe make him hit a few 'markers' before the contract expiration date also. May 1st is six weeks away, so why wait until then? Ask for proof that he is putting in job applications, insist that he help more around the house, or give him something specific he must do on a daily/weekly basis. This kid sounds like he's dying on the vine despite your efforts, so I think it's time to step up those efforts. You say he wouldn't survive on the streets or in a shelter, but I'm pretty sure he would. And hopefully it'll shock him back into the real world, with all its attendant duties and responsibilities. This may sound harsh, but I'm afraid blunt talk and action may be one of the last things to try here. Your child is taking advantage of you and it's hurting him in the process.

You obviously don't have to share if you don't want to, but I'm curious how your fianc? reacted to the tattoo?

I would imagine there are many out there like me who wouldn't entertain a long-term committed relationship without marriage. But I think my point still stands. I'm guessing benefits get cut off upon remarriage because it is assumed that the new spouse will bring more income into the household, thus negating the need for the Social Security benefits. Edited to add: I guess I don't even know when widows can even start to collect on their late spouse's benefits. My kids get survivor benefits but I don't get anything. I assume this is an age-tested thing?

True, but assuming your future spouse has an income, getting married also means more income coming in. I'm 16 years away from 60, but I have to think that even if I'm closer to 60 as long as my incoming spouse makes more than my wife's SS that's more than a fair economic trade.

I'm not sure I would.

I agree with TooSoon. Viewed through my prism of marriage, I don't think your 'Top 3 Reasons to Marry Him' are enough reason to take the plunge. But maybe you see marriage differently. I would only suggest that you both know for sure what the other thinks marriage is before you commit to it.

Step one is realizing you have a problem, and it appears that you do. And by succumbing to this problem you are unnecessarily making your life more difficult AND your kids' lives as well. If your kids are ready - like really ready, not just because they're of age - then you should let them start driving. It's part of growing up, and a fairly significant step, and holding them back isn't helping anyone or anything except your own irrational fear. This may sound harsh but I'm not trying to come off in a mean way. I just think that by starting a thread it's clear you know this isn't 'right'. So I say confront your fear, realize that it's not rational behavior, and try to stop it. Good luck!

I would not recommend sticking with just the city pool. By doing so you would essentially be pre-judging potential suitors, which is what you are hoping they won't do to you due to your child. I will be marrying my fianc?e in July, and had I been picky about locations I likely would have weeded her out before giving her a chance. What a mistake that would have been...

I was just going to post this. I also loved the forgiveness theme and the complete lack of enmity for the driver of the car that killed his wife. I gave the eulogy at my wife's funeral, and while mine was nothing approaching that of Mr. Williams, I also was composed and dry-eyed the whole time. I got rave reviews (if such a thing can be said about a eulogy, lol) and compliments about how strong I was, just as he is getting. However, as most here will understand, I was still in some form of shock, as I imagine Mr. Williams was. Hopefully those close to him will understand that it is very likely that he will crumble at some point. It is very painful for me to know these things ahead of time and not be able to somehow save him from the crumble, but it's just something he'll likely have to get through on his own.

Have any of these guys ever offered to 'lay some pipe'? :

Is it really that important for her to understand the hows and whys of a widow? Many here (including myself) often say that people can't understand if they haven't been through it. And if she truly doesn't understand, isn't that all the more reason to forgive her? I think you've built a fine case in your mind against allowing her back into your life, but I'm not sure anyone really benefits if you carry it out. But I'm biased, as I believe strongly in the power of forgiveness.

I figure if an email was enough to cause an estrangement in the first place, maybe it's not a bad way to start a rapprochement...

I involuntarily flinch a little when I see words like 'abuser' thrown around when only a small part of the story is known. Shelby, it is my hope that you and your husband can talk things through and come to an understanding. I have no idea what your situation with your husband is like in its entirety. I know that no two marriages are alike and what some people consider unacceptable are normal spousal behavior to others. I do believe that people can change, and I hope your husband's heart opens up a bit to accommodate another line of thinking. Best of luck to you.

I think the devil is in the details, though I'm not asking you to share them. From the outside I wonder if you see it as helping your kids and your husband perhaps seeing it as enabling them? This is obviously a very personal decision, but since you bring up your belief that your kids' issues have root in your husband's death, I have to ask (though of course you don't have to answer)... would you be trying to help them if his death wasn't the root cause?

I think you'd be doing her more long-term harm by giving in and staying home than by standing your ground and doing what you need to do. Put simply, I don't think we should let our kids dictate things to us. And yes, I get that it can be difficult, but once you make up your mind that not giving in is what's best for her hopefully it gets easier.

Having gone through this twice - once successfully and once not - I would recommend waiting a little longer than you first think you should. There is absolutely no reason to rush anything but I think there is the potential for some harm if things were to not work out down the road. Maybe not a lot of harm, but enough to complicate things more than is necessary. Edited to add: Sorry, I realized I didn't answer your question. I introduced my first girlfriend to my kids (age 13, 10, and 7 at that time) at around two months and regretted it soon after we broke up a few weeks later I didn't wait much longer to introduce my now-fianc?e, but it was clear that things were much more settled in the relationship and that she would likely be here for the long term. Plus, the kids were older.

It sounds like you've got it all worked out in your mind, and I don't see that there is anyone to be sorry to. But I would also say that it should probably be one or the other - either you hide his overnights from her or be completely up front about them. I'm not sure that half measures would be the way to go here, but best of luck either way.