Adley

Post widowhood the things people say are worrisome enough, but the @$%& doctors said? There's a memory lane. No more there fault than the fault of all the scrutinizers after the fact, either. Damn. Just damn.

Holy. Freakin. Smokes. My caregiving wasn't so long term or intense (wheelchair, meds, shots, apptmnts, general constant help, but just basic) but i can barely go there, even this far out. The woman i loved was changing and we were trying so hard to get her back. Clinging. I love her. Now I have to read Green Gables again. I was probably ten, no wonder I didn't get it. Thanks CG.

Way to move on! People try to play the craziest mind games. The pics and jealousy thing just makes me shake my head, but you seeing what it is and forging ahead makes me smile : )

I just went to my first one, so worth it! Usually the first Monday of the month. They're on FB (which I don't do) or feel free to pm me. Such a breath of fresh air! To all, apparently we're really not crazy.

I'm sorry Semper. When I find them in unexpected places it gets me. I have one in the living room I can't take down. When we came back home from out of state where my wife died, my family had hung up many pictures all over the house. That was well intentioned but. . . . . Going through our filing cabinet this past Monday I found a stack of old pics that caused me to cry for a while. I knew it would but still had to look. There is one that I found after she died I had never seen. Pregnant with our youngest, smiling with a white dress in the sunshine. When I first met her I had visions of that for a week, I even told a coworker and my brother. Then 8 years later I came home with her ashes and found it. It's the kids favorite, they carry it around and its getting a little beat up. Hang in there on your anniversary, you'll be ok.

Hm. We're all grownups here. I say go for it. Could be setting yourself up, but the thing is, a little heartbreak is nothing compared to what we've already been through. And it could work out well. Try to stick to the no sex thing and see. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Just make sure he really wants to be exclusive with only you before you put your heart out there too far. Good luck!

I'm sorry, Blue Green. Don't let that pressure to 'get them a dad' influence any future relationship decisions. May I share? When I came back from the hospital and bore the news to my children, I was sitting on the floor with my girls in my lap. My 5 yo looked at me matter of factly and said ' My Mama died?' and began bawling. A breath later my 3 yo wailed/screamed 'But I want a new mama!' and sobbed. We rocked and sobbed and our hearts were all breaking at the same time. We were two thousand miles from home and surrounded by some inlaws and their friends who had been hostile to me for months. Fast forward 23 months. After many comments from many people (who, in hindsight, had no idea what they were talking about) hinting that they needed a mother, I shouldn't be alone, etc., and my own complete overwhelmedness, I took the plunge (remarried). We are still traumatized from living for four months with what Solomon once termed 'a contentious and angry woman'. So take time, there has been some great advice in these other replies. There are good role models they can be around without going full blown and getting a new dad. It's hard to separate our children's need for their lost parent from all the other factors involved in a new relationship. But we have to, or we get involved with the wrong people for the wrong reasons. I'm just saying, when and if you seek a new relationship, please put your needs first. It's beyond heartbreaking,but our old reality will not come back. We have to be careful who we let into the new one. I hope this helps and wish you the best.

SVS, I'm sorry for your loss. It seems I can see people studying how I will handle new loss. They probably think 'he's handling that well'. I feel the pain of new loss, but I am somehow detached. Maybe we're frostbit and the circulation's not so good. Wishing you the best, Adley

Hi Rob, me and mine wish you and yours the very best for your anniversary. Thanks for being such an inspiration. Adley

I lurked here a while after joining. I think this is is the third time i read all your posts. That is a major hit you just took. I can't imagine how you feel, I just want to tell you there is no way on earth he knew/thought about that when he made that decision. Hugs

Thanks Julester, I surely appreciate the validation. And keep doing what you're doing with the children, you're doing great!

Aw Beth. . . . .truthfully, there will always be times when it makes you cry. But they get fewer and further between. Don't know the timeline, it's different for everybody. But it will get more bearable. Seeing something good, no matter how small or unrelated, always helped me if I clung to and dwelt on it. It's hard when the current is so strong. But that's what its like to me, being swept down a raging river and every now and then being able to grab a snag just long enough to catch your breath. And you get swept away again. But there will be another place to breathe. Catch it. Then you realize one day that you've been clinging to something good for a day or two and getting by pretty well before you are swept away again. I'm not sure if the current slows or the lifesavers get bigger, but eventually you get more breathing time. But its a struggle now, keep kicking your feet. Hugs and a floaty to you

Thanks Ruth. It DOES imply forgetfulness, and maybe even impatience on their part. That is quite frustrating. Regarding other peoples' opinions- in hindsight many of the mistakes I've made since my wife died were probably influenced by the remarks of others. I just felt so alone with no one in a similar situation, that I often deferred to the advice of those whom I knew cared about me. And while most everyone has good intentions, their opinions are seldom grounded in facts or experience. That's one reason I'm so glad I found this place Thank you, and thanks and hugs to all the fellow wids who share on so many topics. It is such a breath of fresh air.

Yes, the irony of it is nearly unbearable. Nearly. A thought just crossed my mind of people I've known who've lost a limb. They indeed get stronger. But with the few I've known there always seems to be some bitterness lingering under the surface. I read an older post on here (sorry I can't remember the author) that stated that everyone's problems seem stupid because they are fixable. Death is not. I couldn't agree more and I'm sure we can all relate. The reason I bring up amputee's is (besides thinking of an old one-legged friend who died recently) they have lost something that won't come back. Now they can get a hook or a pegleg or a state of the art bioengineered prosthetic, but the one made for them isn't coming back. Of course I'm not saying the losses are the same, as I'd rather lose both legs than my wife. At least she and I could joke about it. But there are some parallels and I was just musing. . . .

That's the kind of well-intentioned speech I got from my Dad yesterday. Along with examples of situations from which he has ''moved on''. The last time we spent any amount of time together was around our wedding anniversary. My wife and I shared the date with him and my stepmother (a truly wonderful lady). So for their formal dinner party I'm expected to show up all smiles I guess. I decided (we were in Alaska) to soak in a creek and see how much whiskey I could drink instead. Bad decision? Of course! Yet I would rather do that a thousand times than put on a smile and celebrate anyone else's anniversary on OUR anniversary. Especially with someone who was so anxious to pull the plug. Please allow me a day of selfishness. So months later he gives me the speech. I imagine he was angry I didn't make it for Thanksgiving. I cry on holidays anyway. He lives 3 hours away and knows little about my life. We probably see each other 5 times a year these days. If it weren't for this forum I would still be thinking there is something wrong with me for not living up to everyone's standards. Now I'm pretty sure they just don't get it, or am I reeeally missing something?

Happy Thanksgiving to all! I'm sorry Nonesuch. Perhaps it will fall on you to give words of encouragement. Your perspective is unique, maybe you can use it for good. My thoughts are with you, its bound to be trying.

I'm so sorry for your loss- sending thoughts, cares, prayers, and hugs your way. You are taking care of the basics, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Like you and Mike, the children were a major worry for me. I found the short, everyday questions/discussions from them to be very helpful over time (as opposed to a big group therapy discussion). Wish you the best.

Tricky topic. Be careful with mediums. My wife visits when she has a mind to. And it happens rarely. Mediums may be 'in touch', but they don't have a good map and I'm not sure they always know their coordinates. Not their fault, its just uncharted territory. There can be comfort here, on this plane. I say try to seek the comfort here and now. And hugs to everybody. Group hug!

I'm sorry Sike. I try my damnedest to keep a good attitude, but its like swimming upstream. Like denying reality. I never did like fake people or negative people; now its a struggle not to be one or the other. My sexy widowed Saturday night was watching Pocahontas ll and sneaking mixed drinks till the kids went to sleep. All the things I teach the kids- hunting, fishing, farming, livestock, freakin lit and math and physics and biology- are just out of a sense of duty to them. I no longer enjoy my passions. Things won't be funny anymore. I remarried. I used to think husband abuse was some kind of joke. When I had to send her down the road, it kinna feels like I sent all my lifelong romantic ideals with her. Is life really this bitter and hard? Now I know that marriage only ends one of two ways,and the most successful marriage has the worst ending. What a cruel trick! And life goes on alright. And then we find ourselves becoming cynical realists, mourning the passing of joie de vie that dwelt on the sunny slopes of long ago. I feel your pain. And I accidentally spilled some vodka in my coffee. It really will get better I reckon. Let's all just lean on each other. Thanks, Sike, and everybody else for being there.

Jen, I'm sorry. We roadtripped and relocated 2 weeks after my wife died. Totally overwhelming. If i could offer any advice, take your time and mourn now in your own way. Accept help from friends and family, but don't let the scrutiny and expectations of others vex you; you have enough to worry about. Live, cry, hydrate, hug your kids, eat when you can, live!

KJS- your NG rocks!

We often joked about not having a side, and we never did, all 8 years. Never experienced that, before or since. From futon to california king, we were just comfortable. I slept on the couch for a long time after she died, then I was ok with sleeping on it. I remarried for a tumultuous 4 months and I gave her the (our old ck) bed and everything else that wasn't nailed down. I've got a new bed and new furniture, but I don't want to sleep in our old bedroom anymore. Now I actually like sleeping on a blanket on the living room floor. Huh. Come to think of it, that's where we started when Jessica first came down. No wonder I like it. Damn there's a trigger

I'm sorry too, Jen. I'm also at 2 1/2 yrs and have been slumping pretty hard. No end in sight on a long, hard trip. The mirages are disheartening. But I'm sure we have to keep our heads up so we can see the good when it comes.

It sucks- bad. Nothing is funny anymore. We've all lost big parts of our identity, maybe the biggest parts. We've learned firsthand that no matter how good something is, our partnerships, marriages, loves, and lives will come to an end. I myself am burnt out and bone-tired. I don't know what we're here for, but maybe (cliche i know) its to help other people, directly or indirectly. I've learned for sure that it can always get worse, I've been observing that amazing phenomena for over three years. But physics tells us, and I know it as sure as I'm breathing, that it can always get better. We're in the desert and don't know for sure where the water is, but its gonna be good when we find it.

Mekender, I'm sorry. This grief can keep your head spinning for a long time. It's a long row to hoe, but we're all here to support each other and lean as needed. Lean away, and I wish you the best.