Adley

If you can only pick one, play it safe. : ) shoot for drunk

You got this! You've got a plan and you're seeing it through, despite the hiccups. You can do this, you are doing it!

I tried it, had no idea what I was getting into. My dad and stepmom had three apiece and pulled it off very successfully twenty years ago. Pretty sure the biggest part was that we, the children, not only got along, but that we became friends. Now we're brothers and sisters. But we had all been raised to work and be responsible. I tried it last year, naively, and took it for granted that kids would pretty well mind, help out, and be respectful. Nope. If the kids are getting out pretty soon, that's cool, but with kids the parents probably have to be on the same paragraph on the same page.

Yes. The 11th would have been our eighth wedding anniversary. We didn't make it to five. We were together almost eight years, married almost five. Long enough to have three fine children, have our own place, and cry when I type it.

My advice is probably flawed, and I think everyone here knows the nighttime thing lasts at least months on end. I had to wear myself out physically and drink before I went to sleep so I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night. Morning time was still a big flashback though, reliving nightmares and reality. What I did was unhealthy and habit forming, I think only time eases the dread of night. Exercise is good though. I never could do it for it's own sake, a goal was needed. A lot has been written on this forum about setting and accomplishing goals, and that must be key. Start small, and I wish you and everyone a good nights sleep.

Lol, I meant topics, not posts. Man, this one really got me. You all have a wonderful day!

Baby. Hot Mama D. Mama Dragonfly. Honeybunch. Sugarfoot. Jessica. Anything wildly absurd we could think of, we called each other by our real names pretty seldom. Of all these posts, why does this one make me cry?

Yes! I'm in week one of almost three that they're gone to inlaws 1800 miles away. Too long, I know. The pleasure is very guilty. I stocked up on steaks, cheap beer, and second hand movies. I've been sprawled out on the couch for three days, this is better than a luxury cruise! I miss them terribly and worry, really, but this freedom is such a load off my back! I didn't know how tired I was till I got a break.

I'm sorry too, I know it's worse than rough. I think going to the zoo was great. I've found, at least for me, the more time I get with just me and the kids, the more we can be ourselves. Emotional moments can happen without a well-meaning relative stepping in. They will get to know you better, and that will help them long term. As far as summer break goes, I also kept too busy at first and the grief finally caught up with me. Everyone's different. Take time. You will make it!

Thanks for bringing this up, good topic. I've actually been thinking along a similar thread lately, since my brother asked if I was seeing anyone. He got a laugh and a hell no. DW and I had a great marriage. Almost twelve months out I started seeing someone. In hindsight and on reading this board, I realize that my mind, heart, and body were not nearly on the same page. My heart was for my kids, I wanted them to see a loving relationship. My mind was still overwhelmed and numb. My body kept manufacturing pesky hormones. It was all one big train wreck recipe. I'm over a year out from an awful four month marriage. Now it's like my heart and mind have teamed up on my body. Now whenever a lady smiles at me my heart and mind pull the reins back really hard. I suppose we men are more likely to have a simplistic view of marriage and family, and at first the prospect of raising three small children was quite daunting. But they get older and now it's not scary at all. I certainly can't speak for all men, but I did miss my best friend, the intimacy, the complete family, etc. What we had was good, and I wanted it back. I wasn't under the illusion I'd get her back, but I was under the illusion that by the time we hit our thirties most everyone is mature enough to treat others with mutual respect and to meet their partner halfway. Then I got hit with the realization that, after all my thinking on maturity, my worldview was quite naive. So I started out thinking about it "like a man", but after a good hard burn maybe I'm thinking about it more like a woman. I see the potential for danger more clearly and it might just be too much work. The sexes definitely have their own brands of toughness.

My journey would have been very different too over the last eight months. At two and a half years I was starting to think that there was something wrong with me because everyone treated me differently. Reading all these common experiences helped me realize I wasn't nuts, but people were treating me differently and I had had enough. Seeing that nearly all of us have had the in law/family drama post widowhood helped me see the situation much more clearly. I've never been one to waste time bickering, and suddenly being thrust in the middle of interrogation and bickering situations on top of all that raw grief nearly did me in back in the early days. This place is awesome!

Still on the floor, maybe a fifth of the time on the couch. But I have no problem sleeping on a hotel bed.

Good for you KK!

Hey Bromans, I was 31. Just gonna have to lay it out there for you, I'm sure you still get the "you're still young" thing often enough. I did even at 31. What people don't expect and what many of us come to find out is that we'll never be who we were anymore. That person was her husband, as much of an identity as any other trait. Just take all the time you need, and post here all you want.

Exactly Bunny. It's all about their fear. And I guess it's not even their fault. Still sucks for us though.

I had to leave work months before it happened, because we went to Boston for treatment. I had been a bomb tech for years, company to company, place to place, but for the past five we'd been very fortunate and I was able to work close to home- gone only three nights a week, not bad at all for the industry. After Jessica died, I came back home with our three kids and couldn't think about going back to work. Actually work wouldn't have been so bad but the idea of leaving them at a daycare in a strange place. . . . noooo way. So I kept in the field just enough to stay current. Farmed and shoed horses for three years, jobs I could do with them. And now I'm finally back. The kids are old enough to travel now. They know who they are. Who we are. I guess I'll raise them like military kids for a while, new towns, new schools, and daycares. I don't think they even know any kids who go to daycares. There just aren't any around. I love the work, but the most intimidating thing is juggling the kids. New schools, forms to fill out, and the endless repetition of a sad story we all partly share. . . . I couldn't even consider coming back to work till now. Just worked with the kids. And did with almost no money. But I must admit I'm happy about it now. My girls both just got awards for top of the class, we've got a Spelling Bee winner, they're healthy as horses. And now we're ready to go on an adventure. We'll be in New Mexico for a while, got the school and apartment and daycare all in close proximity to work. But when it comes down to it, I don't know how you all did it. Much respect to all of you. I could not go back quickly. Maybe I should have, but I just plain couldn't. p.s. And glad to be back in a town with internet! So glad to read all of your posts again! Thank y'all for being here : )

I was soooo alone, and didn't find this place till two and a half years. It really helps to read everyone's experiences and individual takes on the many post-wid situations. I haven't had internet for a couple months and am glad to be back. Thank you all!

I should be there in late June, three months, give or take. Anybody there, El Paso, Las Cruces, Ruidoso? The kids and I are looking forward to it!

Yes, funnily enough, before she ever got sick she had a stern command that if anything were to happen, I would not go back to any ex. Roger that, Sweety. I miss her.

Way to go, Sugarbell! Sounds like you've got a Renaissance man on your hands. BIL told me a while back that I was doing a great job with my children, and I just said "I've got good kids". He said "Nobody just 'has good kids', you make'em". Made me feel good. So there you are, your efforts shine through his achievements. Congratulations!

I agree that there is no time limit. I've had the ashes (also in my closet) over three years now, and just now decided what to do. Since I'm about to start travelling with the kids, I'm going to put a pinch of ashes in all the most beautiful places we visit, starting with Carlsbad Caverns, where we went when she was pregnant with our second. So I guess I'll be travelling the country with my wife's ashes, looking for a view. But three continents? That's tough. But you never know what opportunities could arise. Good luck!

Thanks for the response! It looks like the PA isn't gonna go this year, bummer, they really had my hopes up. Now it looks instead of 5 months at Tobyhanna it'll be 6 weeks in NM. But there are always projects there, I will probably make it one day. I know a lot of you are in the region, hope to meet you all someday! Oh and my heart is always here as well... but we were in Lake Charles parade, though I love New Orleans, the culture here is distinct. Thanks!

All great advice, I'd just like to add- take tiiiime. If she and the daughter are still in contact, then that influence is there to some degree. But if the daughter sees the 'crazy' and doesn't want to emulate, then it could be very positive. I rushed, and the crazy ex factor was just one of many that I overlooked. Take time, and I wish you the best!

We let the balloons go on her birthday, a week before the death anniversary. The kids tie something to them, a note or something pretty. Year three will be here in a couple weeks and I'll ask if they'd like to do that or something else. Good luck!

I took mine off at abou six months. As I write I can still feel it. The kids and I rode a Mardi Gras float last week for children who have lost one or two parents.. I saw a lady on there who had on a wooden ring. All I could think was 'I wish I had thought of that'.