Adley

Kj, I can't STAND when they do that. It's like they're trying to give logical financial advice. And it's so disarming because of the place it puts us; there's not chance to tell them how wrong they are. I'm sorry.

That is more than fine. Thank you, Raymond.

I " like" every post on here. Not because I necessarily agree, but because I see the viewpoints. I'm sorry I haven't commented when I've seen other injustices, particularly when people's grieving has been undermined by semantics, as in defining and judging widowhood and religion and morality in particular, but if I had to address every injustice or opinion I didn't agree with every day IRL I'd be beyond exhaustion. By the way OP, I'm sure you never meant to open this whole can of worms, there may have been more worms in it than we thought! Which, if you're fishing, is a good thing. I guess we're fishing for opinions and affirmation, mostly. It can be a tricky business. If I catch something I don't want, I throw it back, use it in the garden, or feed it to the cat. I'm not a big fan of labels, but if anyone wants to throw some on me, be my guest! Vent! It won't hurt my feelings a bit, because I genuinely want to be friends and see if we can all help one another. Here are a few ice breaking categories for anybody who has a need to label. And I recognize that as a legitimate need. I'm a little over half "white". I don't expect most to believe that based on my photo, but my calico cabbage patch kid family should attest to the truth. Thank you, Louisiana. I'm basically Jewish in my beliefs, which understandably ostracizes me from much of my rural southern protestant community. Judge me! I think the right/left paradigm is a joke, which leads me to somewhere around libertarianism, which further complicates conversation with friends in my community. Judge me! I like to pull a cork (courtesy of ramped up alcohol dehydrogenase enzyme, inherent in my particular branch of the human family tree) which may lead to me posting when I shouldn't and not posting when I should. But hell, I enjoy it (the alcohol). Again, judge if you wish. I found you all at two and a half years into widowhood. Life had thrown me down and put its foot on my neck. Not just widowed, but recently divorced (feel free to judge again). This WHOLE group helped me, even posts that hurt my feelings and/or hurt the feelings of others. I want to thank each and every one. We have a life changing event in common that very few physically around us have. Being humans with different experiences we naturally have different perspectives. I have seen a gem of something good in every post. Yes EVERY post. It's there, but you might have to dig for it. If we all start taking sides life is gonna suck that much more. Peace and harmony to all, and don't forget, if you don't like it, feed it to the cat!

Port side, we can always count on you to tell it like it is. We all think differently, but we're all here out of this weird mixture of grief and caring. Well said, I say, from the starb'rd.

Lol. May be a tiny bit of pent up frustration out here. But we're all friends!

Bunny, sounds like you have a good man there. I want to share something that this reminds me of, although I'm not sure why it reminds me. A month or so before we found out my wife was sick, some team members of mine at work had a little "fuzz up" in the woods. One had ignored procedure standards and one had taken it a little too seriously. They were both a little wrong but I'd work with either of them again. One was ready to run the problem all the way up the chain of command but the team lead at the time wisely nipped it in the bud and had everyone on the team vent there gripes in turn. When it was my turn I just said "one day this whole job is just gonna be a little blip in our memories, let's make it a good one". Well for some reason that struck everybody funny, and they all laughed and some commented " little blip in our memory?". Now, years later, I have run into a few people who weren't there and threw the quote at me. I don't know why that minor comment outlived the actual event. I guess because it was true. The job is done, folks moved on, and it was nothing but a hiccup to most. Our own personal tragedy has been much more than a hiccup. But not really to our associates, acquaintances, and coworkers. Their minds do ping us with that particular event, put it in storage and use it as (subconsciously) a standard to judge how we are doing, but it does not define their reality as it does ours. But I bet they identify us with that tragedy forever, in the minds of most it will become a defining characteristic of who we are, something they might mention to someone before they introduce us. It's a blip to most, but maybe a blip significant enough to mention. Thanks for posting, it actually helped me to revisit memory lane!

Hey guys, everything's cool. Let's just chalk it up to the weather and the eclipse. Much love for all of you!

Thanks, Dragontears, for bringing this up. Flman, I must admit I saw it when you posted, and thought "I'll have to let this sink in a while ", and predictably I forgot. I was really scared to touch the subject with a ten foot pole. I'm sorry. Not that I have a whole lot to offer, but I know it's rough when you hit bottom and throw some heart out there and hear only silence. Our circumstances are different, but I know what that "everyday is the same" business is like. Near my breaking point (who knows where that is anyway?) I took it upon myself to shake things up. Epic fail. After more misery and consigning myself back to the same safe but hopeless routine, I had to do it again. Just tried a totally different direction. So far, so good. That doesn't mean that my latest decisions won't totally crumble around me, but I guess I'm ok with that. For me, it beats monotony. Especially when that monotony is rooted in real tears. I had to make a change. Several. Some didn't work, but it wasn't nearly as bad as losing my best friend and partner. And the monotony is better than some things, unbelievably. But you never know till you try. Good luck!

Yes, it seems like it's that way all the time. All the things I should really be enjoying make me think of her because I know she'd be enjoying them, too. I miss her enthusiasm for an event, and as a result my enthusiasm wanes. Sometimes it seems like a perpetual cycle. The only thing that seems to help is taking pleasure in the tiny things. I know I don't joke at work like I used too. That's just the tip of the iceberg of the symptoms. I guess it's the little things that help us through, or at least me. Keep going! Adley

Wishing you the best, Jen. Can't say it any better than Soloact.

You're right, none of it will help- short term. Albut long term is where your true colors shine through.i imagine she'll go roughly through many similar stages as the rest of us, number one being fog. You're doing right, take care of her quietly. The whole world will be bombarding her and she needs.....probably just a friend. I know it will cause you triggers, sad ones, but hell everything we do trips a trigger anyway, might as well make it count. Being friends can be hard, but y'all still got it. Take Tim for hv

Ooooh, I see, my bad. School that hussy!

Thanks, sorry I didn't realize you all had answered me. Oh this fickle industry, its possible I could be up there in the spring. I sure hope so, that would be a whopping 8 months! But the saying is " you never know where you're going till you get there" lol

SF, life is hard enough. I cut someone off cold turkey and have zero regrets, only relief. One bad potato.....it can spread through the whole batch. Comfort and company can be great, but there are worse things than being alone. Wishing you the best.

That's awful, KK, some folks blow my mind. My instinct would say "cut her off", but you're old friends. Some people need the benefit of the doubt, though, when they're so self involved they are actually unaware of what they're doing. Can you call her out? I've done that before (in different situations) and actually seen the light come on in their face. Good luck

Appreciate that, Mizpah, and everybody else easing me in that direction. I did cut myself a break. And worked and we did our thing and my mother took a vacation to come out and "help" (really need a break from good intentions right now)(she's leaving tomorrow) and it sort of turned our new routine upside down. So today was the first day of school, but I gotta leave it under this topic because the wid card still seems relevant. Good drop off at daycare, six minutes of slack on my trip between daycare and work if all the traffic lights cooperate, many of you all know that deal. Good day at work, coming home looking forward to hearing stories of the first day at school. My youngest, 5yo boy I was the most worried about. He'd never been to school or daycare, has hung with me through dirty farm, ranch, and construction jobs since before his memory started. I read to them all (a long time) at night eighty per cent of the time I bet, and while my 6 and eight yo girls could read pretty well at four, it's like pulling teeth to get him to run through the alphabet. By George he's solid, though. This morning he bucked and bucked on going to school, ha and when I laughed and told him he was goin, he said " well, I'm not gonna make any friends, though". That was funny, he's a card, you know? Needless to say, I thought he'd be the one to rebel. But he had a ball. And I came home to a meltdown. My 6yo daughter, (award for top of the class last year, and fastest kid in K and 1st last yr, parents gotta brag a little) first day of first grade, and the sweetest, what-do-you-need-help-with child says no at school. NO. Get me outta here. I talked to the counselor an hour at least after work. She finally calmed her down by letting her stay in little brothers class to show him the ropes of school. Who, incidentally, is the mother of the lady who got us into the daycare in the first place, enter wid card. I come in the apt, mother had picked them up early per my request, and sweetypie lets it FLY. Doesn't like it here. City water is "awful". Wants to go home. I decided to go to work and wouldn't stay home with her. We don't need money. Wants to go home. Can't understand her teacher. Wants to go home. Kids ask about her Mama. Wants to go home. Doesn't have any land to play on. Kids talk about their Mama. Wants to go home. Misses the garden, goats, chickens, the woods, you name it, she named it, in a 45 minute wailing session in my arms that I haven't heard from her since Mama died when she was three. I stayed cool, that was hours ago, but now I question it all. There was serious heartbreak in her voice. I gotta hit my old gray collar career at least another few years or else I'll be subsistence farming or doing whatever work I can get my hands on or get some office gig (please no) in another big town till they're graduated. Which wouldn't kill me, but it would suck. Till I'm near fifty. My oldest and youngest are extroverted and dig camping the mountains and desert on the weekends, but middle daughter needs nature all the time. I do too, that's one reason I chose my career field. How can I rob her? Anybody ever moved the kids from home base to a different scene?

Yes Flman, to the coming home to no drama. I remarried last year for four months, and learned how much worse things can be than simply being alone. It's lonely, yes, but I'll take solitude over constant strife any day. As in your other recent post, I can feel myself shutting doors as a protection mechanism. Who wants to add more pain? Life is complicated enough without someone's arbitrary drama.

Thanks guys! This is the worlds greatest support group!

Sorry 3, I just came across this topic. If you live in the southeast US, drink tea from yaupon leaves in the morning(tastes better than "tea" and often has more caffeine). Afternoon and evening peel some mimosa bark and make the most relaxing tea ever. I don't know if these are commercially available, but yaupon is starting to get publicity. They grow everywhere in sw LA.

Rather it played itself. We made it to New Mexico and everything has been going surprisingly smooth compared to the last 4+ years. New apartment, kids enrolled in school, and did a tour of the daycare across the street yesterday and got applications. I picked these apartments because the school and daycare are right across the street and couldn't believe how lucky I was. I went back to the daycare with the applications this morning and it spoke with a different lady (this is a large facility and actually much more than a daycare) and our spots were already filled. The dread that washed over me was indescribable. A week left till the job and school start, long way from home, the responsibility of children, all the other daycares are booked, I was in internal freak out mode. The lady was maybe twenty. She must've seen it on my face, because when I barely mumbled "Please. Please. My wife is dead and we're a thousand miles from home and y'all're all I got", she took off to an adjacent office. By the time they called me in there (the kids were looking at a fish aquarium) she, I, and two other ladies were crying. I'm pretty sure I don't look like the kind of guy who folks expect to cry, and a few years ago, they would've been right. They all gave me a hug and told me how it wasn't just a daycare, they're their because they love children. And they're gonna break their own rules. I feel such gratitude and may God bless them forever. We all talked and I thanked them several times and left so thankful. Walking out and mentally reviewing events, guilt set in. I'd never done that before. Of course widowhood has come up a number of times with strangers, with all the expected and unexpected comments. But I never used it to get something I wouldn't normally get. It just popped out. I didn't do it on purpose and I don't think there was really anything wrong with it since it came from such a sense of desperation. It just doesn't feel right. At all. But I don't know what else I could have done. Anybody have similar experiences?

Just came across it readin the kids to sleep. From Silverstein, I remember "where the sidewalk ends" but not this book, "everything on it". Kids poems, by a fine poet, at least in my uncultured estimation. "Oh, where are you goin, my Jimmy-Jack-John, With only the moon for your light?" "I'm goin' roundin search of the dawn, And I'll prob'ly be gone most of the night." "Oh, why are you cryin', my Jimmy-Jack-John, And why do you stare out to sea?" "I'm thinkin' that over the waves of the pond The dawn lies a-waitin' for me." "But why do you wander, my Jimmy-Jack-John, A-roamin' in search of the blue? Just wrap yourself tight in this blanket of night And the dawn will come to you."

This year we went to a sandbar on the river and let some balloons go. The kids all tied a note or memento to theirs. 7 days later is the sadiversary, I never mention it to the kids but it's a rough day. All other holidays I just go through some semblance of the motions. I wish I could take em off the calendar.

Thanks Jess, I needed that. I hit the three year mark at the end of march. I agree, totally different person now. I can feel my old self under the surface, but I don't really want to be that person anymore. I miss the humor, now even when I laugh at something genuinely funny the sadness isn't 100 % gone, and I much prefer comedy to tragedy. Something that sometimes haunts me is a conversation between my brother and I when we were teenagers discussing our paths just a couple years away. I maintained that a life worth living should be as good as a great book- you should be able to write your story and the audience wouldn't be able to put it down. My chapter 1 was 31 years of good reading, but the ending was terrible. Chapter two was much shorter, but it was just plain bad writing. Sometimes it feels like my rudder's broke and the wind is blowing the wrong way and I can't change the tragic course of this dreadful novel I'm living. Our characters have become very dynamic, but we still at least have partial control over the pen and paper. At over three years myself, I guess this is some kind of chapter 3. It's started out pretty weak, but the new plot seems to be gaining momentum. The old plot is totally gone so it's a very confusing book so far. Sorry if I got off topic, I just want to say that while we've all been through the worst sorts of tragedy, I don't want any of our stories to end that way. One thing that I think/hope is helping me is to focus on small things I can control. I'm sure many of us once lived under the same illusion as most people- that we control more than we actually do. Well, that one's gone now. It doesn't mean we have to be hopeless, maybe that we can just manage our focus a little better. sorry for the italics, I'm no Tech guy.

Thank you all, you folks are wonderful. Haha, gotta get up at three and can't sleep!

I got back in my old career field, which usually involves a lot of traveling. Over the last 3+ years I've only taken a couple jobs close to home. One day I woke up and my kids were 5,6, and 8. In May I took a six week gig a couple hours north of here, didn't want to take them out of school at the end of the year so I left them with my mother and just came back on the weekends. But now . . . We're packed and headed to New Mexico in the morning. I got the apartment, school, and daycare lined out. 2-3 months in southeast New Mexico, then maybe 6 weeks near Albuquerque. Then? Well I'm back on the market. We could go anywhere. They're old enough, and now we're a tightly bonded family unit. We've pretty much been out here in the woods this whole time, and though I was a pro traveler when younger, the prospect of hitting the road with three young children is daunting. New schools, town and apartment living, getting a paycheck (now there's a forgotten luxury), new schedule. I've decided to treat it like a vacation and the kids are very excited. We're gonna take four days to get there. I'm bringing her ashes to put a pinch in all the most beautiful places in the world, starting with Carlsbad and the Grand Canyon. She and I went to Carlsbad when our oldest was two and she was pregnant with our second. This will be a far cry from our piney woods, especially for the kids. I just wish she could go with us. So we're leaving in the morning, our home will be all alone, I'm sure the goat herd will be ravaged by coyotes and bobcats. Everything will be grown up when we get back, south Louisiana doesn't take long to replace the puny marks of humans. Will this even be home? Do we even need one? We've got each other, after all. I'm excited and a little scared. Once I dreamed big, now I can barely keep sight of the smallest goal. I guess a few years of traveling will be good for the kids, they already have a good understanding of getting food from the land, now maybe they can get a feel for the differences in people and cultures. I'm rambling, I know, I just had to ramble to the people who get it. Thank y'all!