Adley

Long story way short, how long did you wait before you went to the island? I've been offered a chance to go to New Mexico with my old career and the kids are old enough now. It would be a complete change for them and a big one for me. Just a cpl months but more moving would probably follow. My simple peaceful beautiful life that my wife and I wanted is so empty now. I see so many parallels and some direct opposites in our stories. I am intrigued. I will get this phone lined out lol

I have to attempt this one more time. Phone keeps kickin me off after I hen peck my post.

The plan was to get the kids old enough and travel and homeschool them all over the country for a few more years, come back home debt free and farm and laugh the years away. She was smart as a whip, but our relationship was not intellectual. It was humorous. We laughed together for years. That's one reason your and Mizpah's posts on this thread resonate with me so much; if I ever recoupled for real how would it be?

Little did I know that I was soon to discover my new career in explosives, and that it would lead me to my lovely wife, and to fish those very waters. The image of those boats from far above still haunts me very much. Years later found me happily married with a great career. My wife had married a travelling man, but we lucked out and I landed a gig 2 annd a half hours away and I only had to be gone 3 nights a week part of the year. We were having babies and buying land and building a farm. I had always done a little construction here and there, I liked the guys and the banter was enjoyable in short doses. Made lifelong friends at it. But the bomb tech world was just right for me. Conversation more stimulating, problem resolution more involved. No white or blue collar, just handle whatever comes up. Work in the woods, get sweaty and dirty, blow stuff up, and enjoy the perspectives of travelled and well read coworkers from all different backgrounds.

I was so looking forward to college. I was almost immediately disappointed. It felt like a daycare. Six weeks of it and I blew off my full ride. I wanted some of the world! I planned to hop a merchant ship and check it out. My father shamed me so badly that I just went into industrial construction (carpentry was a fact of life for me very young) to save money for trade school. Never was money hungry, but I knew I needed some land far away from town. A few years later, on my first flight to contract in the middle east, I could see the wakes and the tiny outlines of fishing boats far below in the north Atlantic.

Awesome Kater! Sorry Milojka, between farmin and the flipphone I'm having com issues. Luddite? Lol Like many of us, I suspect, I grew up in two worlds. Primary one was very rural, where reading, science, hunting, subsistence farming, and all education was strongly encouraged. The other, with my father,was just outside an urban area that was, and still is, undergoing a population explosion. Hard physical work and making lots of money was, and still is, strongly encouraged. So was trophy hunting, as opposed to slipping into the woods for groceries. The trophy thing is is still weird to me. I gotta post this or my phone will erase it again.

To Milojka and everyone else who posted here, this has left me breathless and inspired. Thank you, Milojka, for building this beautiful post and your beautiful world. I have some things I can't wait to share, but I have to tend my goat herd and go shoe some horses. I'll be back. Thank you all, I am really touched.

That's right. Incredibly, unbelievably, you are surviving. Keep counting those milestones! I still count them, but the early ones were remarkable. Like getting to the top of the first mountain on a long journey. And you see more mountains, of course. But now you know its doable. I had to take breaks and look at the overwhelming view. Its scary, but you have made it this far. Way to go!

I'm so sorry. For months, 5 or 6, when I woke up it was her on forced breathing. Not even 90 pounds. So every morning it took a long time to go through the entire ordeal to figure out why she wasn't there to talk about it. Then I got to other dreams, for example- she was there but not interested. She had other things to do. Flat out didn't love me. They got few and far between, then nothing for a long time. And now I've had maybe one a month for six months that was just like life used to be, even one where we held each other and I could still feel her when I woke up in the middle of the night. Tears and hugs

Way cool, thanks! Although my wife was working on her master's in geriatric psy, we never discussed it together. I'm certain she would have tested ESFJ. Our relationship was. . . . . irreplaceable. It's so interesting to me to compare our writings, relationships, and experiences with our 'types'. They're all percentage based, of course, but it is refreshing for me to draw the parallels. Thank you all. And of course, anybody or anybody else that wants to discuss it further, please continue!

Has anyone read up on Myers&Briggs personality typing? Just curious. INTP here. I wonder if similar types have processed grief in similar manners. Maybe we can help one another more effectively if we have better understandings of our perspectives. Just a thought. Thanks!

Yes, cutting out the bread and sugar again. Also no more eating past five. In the past that simple anticancer diet brought me from 220 to 162. After my divorce in june I quit caring and was 215 by Christmas. Down to 205 already. Feel the best around 175. Keep it up!

Sorry, Angelk. I know the monotony can be maddening. I'm feeling numb myself. We're all just trying to hang. I know we can, but some days . . . . .

Oh man I've had that one too. And early on lots of 'What are you gonna do?' and 'Whats your typical day like?'. WTH? There is no way they really wanna know. . . . .

I'm sorry Kryptic. I've always cared for others too. Just minutes ago someone told me 'thats just part of it'. He's been married over 50 years. There is no way you can make everybody happy anyway, but when you're under everyone's magnifying glass, you might just have to say hell with'em. Everything that you two had is yours now. It's your grief. Your job. Your time. We can't stop people from throwing in their two cents, but this is a good place to vent. Just try not to let them drive you nuts. Rushing forward. Regressing. I expect most of us have had all these insanely contradictory opinions thrown at us. As much as it goes against my grain, that is why I have had to ignore the bulk of people's comments. Too much to process already! Now that I've said to ignore what everybody says, here are my two cents. Forget the cliff! Life will become more bearable. There are ups and downs ahead, to be sure, but you will see rest and joy again.

En vino, Rob. Your heart shines in your writing. Your love will guide your family....my girls are 6 and 8 so ten years from now I will be looking back to your posts for encouragement. . . . . .thanks for all your sharing.

Jman, what a heavy load! Hang in there buddy. When my DW passed, my youngest wasn't quite 2, the girls were 3 and 5. You've got big shoulders. I'm in a small town too, and totally get the nosy meddlers. They are unbelievable. I've always believed in peace and good manners, but have been forced to shake my horns at some of these people. One piece of mild amusement- back when life was normal, a few stay at home moms around here had years-long running conversations with one another about the hardships of child rearing and domestic life. Now they cut those conversations short if I'm around. Now, at almost 3 years, my children are healthy, well mannered, and excel academically. The do-gooders have backed off on the advice. You're doing it Jman!

Great responses, and it just goes to show how different we all are. I'm approaching three years now, and at some point in the middle I was involved with three different women. They are all people I don't want in my life and I regret every bit of it. I even married the last one. All three relationships left me feeling empty and alone. But at least it helped me put the libido in perspective, no more desperation. I'd probably be in worse shape if I had been celibate this whole time, but now three years of celibacy seems like a piece of cake compared to some alternatives. Just be careful and remember that you are still grieving. While that grief may be the sharpest pain you ever feel, in my experience adding more guilt and disappointment to it was the wrong thing for my life. Best, Adley

I only opened this after deciding I wouldn't cry. Instant reneg. But now I have thoughts on what to do with her ashes. Thank you so much!

Saying 'Don't obsess' is easy for everybody else. But I say study it, especially at eleven weeks, all the way back. Study why you fell in love in the first place, and the events that led up to it. Study both of your previous situations that led to the relationship. In my hindsight I was not in control of any of it. And you weren't in control of being widowed. You couldn't have done anything to change it, any more than you could have changed the circumstances leading to love. You may well have to explore every cause and effect. Do it if you have to. I am so sorry for your loss, take all the time you need.

'What if this is as good as it gets?'- Jack Nicholson, ' As Good As It Gets' 'Love's a terrible price to pay for company.' - Caleb Cobb 'I thought y'all were gonna make it.' 'We did make it.'- conversation between me and a friend 'I know what it's like to hate the Bluecoat.' - Gatewood to Davis, regarding Geronimo 'I hear it takes a year to get over it.' - my Granny ' I know you lost someone too'- MIL You don't know about lonely Til it's written in stone 'Bible and Sword!'- Captain Skull, and my wife's slogan, tatoo, and tshirt once we found out she had cancer. 'Nothing is either right or wrong, only thinkin makes it so'- the Bard

Calimom, great insight, and great handling of a very tough day. Keep going!

ps- and I just recently realized that many of my bad decisions have been based on fear, something I always used to conciously guard against. Now I see it, and have to kick it to the curb. It always worked for me before. Good luck!

Yes indeed. I can certainly relate, and I am sorry for how you're feeling. I guess we're supposed to learn from all this. What a pain, though. Sometimes the people who love us most are either too scared to talk or put us under the magnifying glass. Then there are those who perceive vulnerability and swoop in to take advantage. It's a hellish conundrum, and while we sort through our own minds we have to sort through the intentions and motivations of others. Personally, me and mine need a change, there is an opportunity, and we're going for it. I wish you the very best, and all of us the discernment required to wisely deal with the people in our lives. Best, Adley

That was great TS! I missed it before. Thanks for putting it back up Ursula. I liked the hell with the job part. : )