Adley

That's so awesome Maureen! Congratulations for doing it, and thanks for doing it!

What an article! Quite the list of comments on that site as well. Hm. We've all got these problems that few around us IRL understand, apparently even our new SO. I did think the 'former widower' thing was a bit of a stretch, though. We wids have to make sure to have the boundaries drawn with inlaws, family, and friends before getting involved with someone else. Those thinking of being involved with a wid need to be prepared for the inevitable baggage. @Serpico, I did remarry a divorced woman. It lasted 4 months. (Now I'm in that club too, yippee!) Blending families was tough, and these two absolutely didn't mesh. However, she only griped about living in 'our' house once, and I honestly think it was only bc she had nothing else to immediately complain about. She generally seemed more angry about my 3 yo leaving a cup in the yard, or my 7 year old not following the orders of her 11 yo to a T. My unified household was totally divided and descended into mayhem nearly overnight. But I don't think she had a real problem with LW. She was more concerned with keeping some kind of daily battle going and just used that once. She certainly had no problem taking off with LW's personal things, bed, clothes, camera, etc. That being said, it sounds like your wife is having genuine issues, as she has sought out a site at least somewhat akin to this one. Is moving out of the question? I've never considered it before, but post-divorce, its an option. I think the You's and I's of this world have a tough time navigating our emotions (we really have them!), but when it comes to those of others it gets really murky. I'm sure you know this from previous marriage, just remember that her feelings are as valid and important to her and to the marriage as your thoughts are to you and the marriage. Best of luck, I'm really pulling for you!

Man, you've got a long ride ahead of you. I can't sugarcoat it. Reach out to me or any of us if you need to. It's hard, but we have all survived and you will too. You may have to say the hell with handling personal business for a while or you may have to throw yourself into it. Do what YOU need to, without too much regard for the opinion of those around you in real life. Strength and solidarity- Adley

Hell yes! You have every right to demand it's return, it wouldn't be petty or rude. You can do it politely and firmly. Of course, dependinding on the extended situation, you may want to pick your battles, but it is absolutely yours and they took it. Good luck

I was about to hit send and got a phone call. Whatcha doin? I did not answer truthfully. Could I have a brick wall please?

Ha bdean, I was going to say drink one for me, but that could spiral out of control if she drank one for everybody. Mrskro, sometimes I get this multiple times daily- 'Whatcha doin?' why don't they just give me a stack of daily production sheets and I just send them out at the end of the month? And if I need to talk there's no one there or they want to tell me how screwed up I am. Lately they've been on me to get a new van, or at least get a new inspection sticker on mine. But I don't want to replace the windshield, WE cracked it. And it only expired 9/14.Enjoy the brew!

It's just a thing, you two will have a great time! Tickled for you!

Kiwi, I am so sorry. We all grieve with you. There are many comforting posts on this site, and many fine people wrote them. When you can't sleep or its just too much to bear, come read. Some ladies here have been in similar situations, and they would have no problem with you reaching out. It will be hard, but you can hang on. You will. And vent as needed, that's really what keeps the mutual support going. Sending my best.

Thanks for bringing this back up Bear. I didn't accept it one bit until the last morning. I'd never seen a problem we couldn't whip. Someone else said this well on another thread- processed the death intellectually almost immediately, but over two years in the emotional processing kicked in. Thats when I found you all, at two and a half years. I realized if I didn't get some help, my heart would be the next unconquerable enemy. And you all have been wonderful help.

I'm really sorry. I never imagined how hard it would be to blend a family of young children and teenagers, it could only work if both parents are on the same page. It's not fair. When we were all young and in love, we got to pick the page with our spouses. Now, right or wrong, our minds are mostly made up. And whoever we might try to date has likely made theirs up, too. And the dating/interview process really takes the magic out of it for me, but at the same time you don't want to get involved with someone who is way incompatible in important areas. Just be careful, no matter how well you get along, if daily life becomes a battle, it is no fun.

Hello all, I hope this is appropriate for this forum. I decided to stick my neck back out in my old career field, and after a few opportunities reared their heads and disintegrated, it looks like I've landed a project in NE PA. Tobyhanna, anybody familiar? I'm unfamiliar with the area and have been checking schools, daycare, and apartments. I think most of the guys are saying in Camelback and Tannersville, but I was thinking school in Mt. Pocono, and found a daycare there that opens at 5am. No apartments yet though, waiting on a realtor to call me. Any advice on schools, daycare, and apartments? I hope to get to meet you all! Thanks, Adley

Yep. Sugarbell pretty much rocked it.

Welcome to the club!

Many have successfully blended a family. I tried and could not, in part because of some of the reasons you stated. I had 2 teenage boys in the house who were always under the influence of their dad far away. If there will be: hollerin, bossin, cussin, etc. then its just not worth it. If you and your new spouse are on the same page, then you could correct the bs and breeze on. But the 'us against them' (troubingly common) situation is hell. Loving someone should make life better, not worse. Make sure you and NG agree on these matters. A responsible teenage boy should be capable of being in charge for a while, but has no business dictating orders. You MUST be on the same page with NG. My dad and stepmom did an awesome job of blending a family when we were all teens, but they backed each other up. A house divided. . . . It has to be YOUR way. As in your and NGs. If you can't agree on somethin, keep it to yourselves. I know its doable, but its hard. Take time.

Awesome!

Same here Quixote. So sorry.

Thanks Beth. Me too. Small community. We all know each other and everybody involved. Oh man.

Gotta go to a very close friend from high school's wake tonight. We camped all weekend nearly every weekend for years. He was shot in the heart 2 nights ago. I am a pall bearer tomorrow. First funeral since my wife's. F this.

@66, very insightful. That trip was surely worth it! The difference in habits and our actual selves, what a worthy reflection. I need to investigate this. Hm.

I'm sorry BlueGreen. There were/are some major low spots for me. But it will not always be as hard.The six month one was worse than the 30 month one, for instance, but they are all very real. Sending hugs

Thanks Maureen, that is a really cool concept. One day, when I have a real job again, I'll throw that site out there and I know it will be highly valued by our team members. And thanks for tapping the brakes for me. To properly categorize humanity, we need 7+ billion boxes. And there aint nothin proper about humanity lol. Thank you again!

Tybec, 'health, strength, and feeling good'. Yes indeed! Hell with the dictates of society! Iloveyoualways, you are not doomed. You're still getting the smiles. It is just a matter of time between now and later when you get the mental and emotional connection you will both need. I had some 'rush' in my system too. Now that its gone I can see clearly (accidental paraphrase, but maybe relevant) and look at things for what they are. Things change. We all know that all too well. Time and chance. . . . . Keep going!

Maureen, I love your empathy developer signature at the end of all your posts. It fits you so well, and your insightful posts always drive straight home. Lol, regarding your last, my INFJ sister who is much more well read on the subject than I, has a new tshirt that reads 'Introverts Unite! (separately in your own homes). Mrskro, the small talk drives me batty these days. I think Jessica used to handle it all and we could dissect it later. We would watch Seinfeld. I think George once termed it the 'excruciating minutae'. Once we could laugh about it. Now it taxes me to pieces, and thats just one more thing thats no fun. But I know the humor is still there, just gotta find our way back to it . . . . Newgirl, totally dig the survival mechanism. I didnt realize it till years later, so I dont think it was fake. Maybe just a study of yourself and others?

Thank you all for the feedback! Yes, lol, this should be discussed over coffee. Difficult conversation online. Regarding all of us with changing types- I did not find this system until late in my wife's illness. I was desparate to communicate some things to her and had no idea how. Our communication had been at least 75% jokes for years. So I came up INTP on multiple tests. As a father and husband who was desperately studying biochemistry. Then I took more and answered them the way I might have in my early 20's. A little on the ENFP side. Hm. Here was a head scratcher. So I took more and answered them as I would at 12 yo. Strong INTP. I haven't tested since, but I'm sure I'm more introverted postwidowhood. More NTP too. So I wonder do we all become a little more introverted or is there a trend to reverting back to our childhood type? I agree with Sunshine, there are LOTS of variables here. Nerdy, I got you loud and clear. You put it into the words I was looking for- almost immediately processed it mentally, but still not sure emotionally. People thought I was fine for a year and a half, though many have told me recently that I looked sick...and I did nearly all my crying alone. I found this site last fall and I think it must have been my first attempt at tackling the emotional side. Lol makes me feel like a big dummy. Thank all you guys for being here!

Hi Milojka. I am sorry for your troubles too. It has been windy here lately and I think of Shetland. I live in the outdoors, and there is peace in it, but its a lonely peace. At a year and eight months I was just getting comfortable in a lonely routine and derailed it with the wrong relationship. Many here had much better experiences and I am so glad. I know well how difficult social life can be in rural areas and am glad you have a good support network of genuine people. A couple weeks ago I saw the first videos of my wife. It was better than I thought. I still cried, but almost in a good way. And ditto on living very cheap. Wishing you the best, Adley