Captains wife

Im so sorry - I can understand what you mean. You are in the early, early grieving stages (Im 6 years out but I remember it was so hard at 3 months) and listening to advice (which seems misplaced) can just exacerbate the grief. If I hadn't been through this, I think I wouldn't fully understand either. I've learned its amazing that although death is part of life, people often deal with other's losses in terrible ways. And by that I mean they minimialize it, compare it to divorce, not want to talk about it, avoid widows/widowers. Honestly, I just appreciated when people acknowledged what happened to me and my young son, said how sorry they were and then asked how they could help. People trying to make sense of the death or tell you to get over it/move on etc etc (insert other advice here) just upset me. Try to block them out as best you can - I think often people around us hate to see us in pain, don't want to experience our pain so want us to move on sooner. Wishing you all the best - and be good to yourself

My son was 9mths old when we suddenly lost his Dad/my husband. Im at six years now and still struggling with it - grief doesn't have a timeline. I think you need to deal with how you feel but maybe use of therapy will help. Believe me, I've let it out on occasion (anger, sadness) with people around me - and years after the event - and its tough for them to understand and deal with - although I personally thinks its fine for people to see me this way once in a while. You have really had a lot to deal with and process so be good to yourself and take time to grieve and feel less strong if that's how you are feeling.

I had an experience similar to this - so I stay completely away from him. He has asked to meet up a few times for drinks, offered for me and my son to use his vacation house and Ive had to say no. Its interesting how human attraction works and can take us over : ) Like others have said, the encounter was good for you at the time and completely understandable but please protect yourself emotionally too. Out of sight and out of mind.

Oh - I so loved seeing this post !!! Thank you for sharing....I remember reading and commenting on your earlier posts and I love to see this next Chapter for you. Wishing your family all the best : )

Im so sorry....I just hit 6 years too (how can this be??)....and I've felt sad and angry this year - through most of May and now into Father's Day. Alot of it has to do with trying to raise my young son alone and being sad for him. I just signed up with a new therapist as I need some help handling these feelings and having an outlet for them. I honestly have very few people who I can talk to about how I am truly feeling so I just paste a happy smile on my face most of the time. Its good you have some support around you. I think you can be honest with your bf about needing some space around this time - I was with my new guy and he wasn't offended (although I know he wanted to be here for my son and I). But I wanted space - to spend some reflective time with my son and then to have some "me" time. If you feel like doing nothing, do nothing - you should treat yourself well around this time and listen to your inner voice. On my sadiversary, I did a little ceremony with my son and then booked myself into a spa for the entire afternoon with another widow (and took the 1/2 day off work).

Sorry LF - that is so annoying and disrespectful of your time. I don't think its gender specific but part of online dating and busy lifestyles. When I was actively dating, in the initial phases of meeting someone I often had late hour cancellations (usually the morning or afternoon of when we had an after work date). I didn't, though, have many very last minute cancellations. And cancelling last minute needed a pretty good excuse. If was interested, I would give people 2 chances - if they did 2 last minute cancellations in a row, I was done. I go through a lot to arrange dates given my commute, work, single mother status so if they cant be respective and understanding of that, I don't want to date them ! Wishing you all the best !

Would love to drop in and say hi on Sun - Im going to be in Preston, CT. Can you message me here or on FB with a location so I can see if I can make a stop on my way home from CT? Welcome to the East Coast!

Im so sorry - I lost my husband 6 years ago but when my son was only 9 months old. I felt like I was out of mind for a long time and kept to myself. Make sure you take care of yourself, take "down time" and your daughter will give you comfort and keep you busy during this time.

I'm so sorry - I have a 7 year old that lost his dad at nine months old. And while we have built a happy life, there is a void. Dating with work, children and grief is tough and is not the same as being married to the father of your children. Heck - Im dating someone but still lonely....its just so different. Im also 6 years out but really missing LH recently for some reason. I'm happy to hear you had a sign and wish you many more. We have the same bird come and peck at our back window, when my son is sitting there and we both talk about it being a "check in" from his Dad.

That's very scary TooSoon - I'm so sorry to hear that you two are going through this. You are one strong woman and your daughter is lucky to have you to help her through this.

The good thing is that you know what you want. And it will be hard to match what you wrote that you had in your marriage. You cant "force" it if you like people you date but don't want to take it further - at least you are being honest with yourself. I too wonder about holding out for something extraordinary. I am taking the dating life at the ultra slow speed as I continue to figure out what I want.

I know, online dating can be so tough. I too had some liars, creeps etc in my online dating experience. (My worst experience was actually through OK Cupid) I also met some very nice men though but it is hard to trust once burned. Wishing you all the best - I think online dating can be very successful but have to be very careful as well as (sometimes) have a good sense of humor. Wishing you all the best,

I so understand this. My son talks about his Dad (who he cant remember) a lot and I so wish he was here to see him. Every milestone makes us think about this. And I miss sharing housing and parenting duties. I too have had to learn to run machinery in my late 40s - I am now getting to be a generator expert ! I don't know why - but I find trying to blend families really exhausting and its just not the same as when it was just my husband and I and our son.

My son and I had a beautiful morning with our message in a bottle and he is going to his Dad's bench after school with our nanny. Am feeling reflective today and happy I took this afternoon off work to go to the spa with another widow. It's surreal - there are a few young bridal parties here today all excited about their next stage of life. And I think - that was me 10 years ago, blissfully unaware of death.

As of 1AM on May 16th I will hit the 6 year mark. This is completely surreal. I am keeping my son home from school in the AM and we are going to write a "message in a bottle" to his dad, who was a Captain. Then I going with another widow to park myself at a spa for the entire afternoon to relax and reflect. I am thankful too how well my young son and I are doing but I would give anything for dad and son to meet, even just once. My son was only 9mths old when his Dad died and they would have been like two peas in a pod now. I have also never seen my wedding video (we were going to watch it on our 3rd wedding anniversary but he died 2 weeks before) but I am thinking about sitting down with my son and watching it this year.

The widow angst is a great question. Sometime I feel closed off emotionally after everything that has transpired over the past 6 years - I am dating a great person but I am unable to jump in with two feet. Not sure if its him (more his divorce situation) or me or a combination. Think I am going to go the therapist route too....

I hear you RIFF - this is a tough day all around. Just do what you and your kids feel like doing today. There is so much pomp and marketing around these types of holidays. I like to lay low - my mother is thousands of miles away and I'm not very close to my MIL (who is an hour away). I couldn't face doing Mothers Day brunch at my local club as it would be tons of 2 parent families (plus my son is a picky eater). Im having another widow and her son over later for brunch but other than that I plan to have a lazy, low key day with my son. For example - we are now parked in front of the movie Captain Underpants. Think I will have nap time after brunch.....maybe a little more gardening later (to finish the project started yesterday). A memory popped up on FB yesterday - 6 years ago my LH sent my mum and me to the spa in a limo. And then 3 days later he was gone....surreal. Wishing everyone peace and some downtime today.

I wish I could think like that....For some bizarre reason, I get serious anxiety here and there that something will happen to my only son. I feel, given what happened to my husband and our family, it will happen to me again. Completely irrational and illogical thinking I know but I'm really scared of losing my young son suddenly, especially as my son isn't always with me all the time (at school, I work with a long commute etc, I don't have family close by so I pay a caregiver).

Hikermom - that has to be so hard...I'm so sorry.....widow hugs to you. But I want to commend you on taking this brave step to make choices that, for many good reasons, will be good for the two of you down the road - and some of the things that you mentioned you want to change will change in a new environment. I understand the comment about building new memories...that will just take time but I believe that will happen for you and your daughter. (I haven't yet had the courage to make such a change although I keep talking about it - and I think its what my son and I need).

I was online dating for several years on and off and I had a number of false starts. Painful, yes, but I learned a lot from my dating experiences (and , honestly, I think Ive almost seen it all at this point). I learned that when people are emotionally closed off, you cant "fix" it and need to move on as these individuals tend to not be great partners in relationships. I learned too that trying to meet someone new wasn't going to look like it did before, and it is even tougher mid-life given baggage, kids, divorces etc. I learned to take things date by date (especially at the beginning) and to move slowly. I learned that I needed to understand how the online dating world worked and to try and find my own way to work with it (as it is hard to meeting people through other channels). I learned it was important to be honest to myself, and to those I met (i.e. not letting drag on if I wasn't interested). Wishing everyone the best out there...none of this is easy but I think there are great people out there for all of us...we just need to find them.

KripticKat - I'm so sorry to hear about your accident - that must have been very triggering! I am now 6 years out...and I completely understand what you wrote. My husband too died in an accident and I had to go identify his body when they found him. Ill never forget that day as long as I live. I spent months with lawyers (although this didn't get anywhere), with the authorities and had to relive the situation over and over for the first 2 years. It makes a big difference, believe me, when all that is over. I do, however, still suffer from mild anxiety that something is going to happen to my son and, although this anxiety has improved over time (and it comes and goes), I get really anxious if his school calls etc. I nearly had a meltdown when his nanny got into a car accident (but luckily he wasn't with her that day). So I guess I want you to know you aren't alone in this but handling it is tough - things that have helped me are time, seeing a grief therapist, taking some down time if I feel very anxious.

Thank you for posting - I enjoyed reading this. It did generalize a bit but was thought provoking. Has anybody read "Bringing Up BeBe?" - which reflects on the differences between how Europeans and Americans raise children (Europeans tend to put less all in focus on the children, all the time because sometimes "adults need to be adults"). My son is a top priority for me certainly, especially since I am a solo parent, but I do not have the entire world revolve around him all the time. But I guess I don't always prioritize my relationship either. In contrast, my new (divorced) guy has had trouble with prioritization (he never wanted to disappoint his young son, ever, so his son has tended to come first literally most of the time). Over time, he has realized this wasn't working and it created cracks in our relationship - yet he has been adapting his behavior in a favorable way, especially now the custody battle is over. (The article's comment on blended couples was interesting on prioritizing your own children). The balance is getting healthier again and its making our relationship better. I personally think its about balance in relationships - in that no one person is prioritized all the time but there are times when certain things in your life need to be more important than others. I agree that its important for children to see that parents (or step parents) are taking time to for themselves as a couple. And I think its important to prioritize the relationship too that you have with yourself (I make sure, for example, I have down time alone).

Thank you all so much - your comments are so helpful and much appreciated right now. Its hard feeling this underlying anger and feeling like I am going to snap at stupid things. Its even harder as I am rational, know this isn't the right way to act but am struggling to get these emotions under control especially as I don't know exactly what's driving the underlying resurface or cause of them.

I used to dream that my husband re-appeared and told me it was all a bad dream, what was I doing dating someone as he was now back and we could move on. It was very unsettling. Part of me wanted the dream visit but admittedly part of it was unsettling and triggering. Here's hoping for good dreams for all of us!

I think I just needed to write this post, partially as a vent but also to get any supportive feedback on how to handle it. I want to move forward in a positive way... I had a lot of anger issues (as well as being sad) in my first years as a widow for various reasons. I am almost at year 6 now. Then I went through a really good period - I actually felt happy, was working hard to get my son and I on a happy track, letting things go and not getting angry over stupid little things, being more understanding, working on my happiness project, building a closer bond with my young son etc. Lately, however, feelings of anger are resurfacing and it seems to be building. I almost lost it the other day with my car mechanic and then the parking attendant. I find myself putting a wall up with the guy I am dating and feeling frustrated with his divorce situation. I am frustrated with a lot of the people around me (work, personal) and feel let down by a number of them. I find myself wanting to just stay home and hang out with my son more and more rather than deal with people in the outside world that don't seem to understand and just seem to be upsetting me. (ie. People giving me a hard time about stupid things, including the charity I do work for (for free), friends who don't want to hear the bad stuff, people in my life just generally being very self-absorbed, crazy parents I have to deal with in my school system, people outright lying to me or withholding information). I feel angry again at my late husband and his family. I find myself snapping over stupid little things and letting it get to me. I know part of this is my own self-perception (i.e. I am just seeing the negative) and losing my grief therapist hasn't helped nor has having to deal with a number of developmental issues related to my son but I wonder what else to do, to get back on the calmer happy track again? I don't like being in this negative rut......Part of me things I need to make some drastic changes in my life in general (ie move to a new town).