Eddienhp

Maureen, I am sure your correspondence with Lauren was written in a dignified manner. While it may not have had an impact on Lauren, it must be a relief for you to say what you needed to say. You wore the words many of us wanted to. Some of us don't know how to get in touch with her. Don't beat yourself up. I had an opportunity to confront someone who wronged me. I was building up resentment over what they did. They moved on and stuck me with a huge problem. It was liberating to say those few sentences and tell them thy totally screwed me. Now the resentment has dissolved. It was worth it. I hope this helps you, Eileen

I felt my husband around a lot in the first two years. It was as if he was still here; I just couldn't see him or talk to him. Then his presence faded over the next year. As a spiritual person, I felt he was hanging around until the dust settled. There were a lot of complicated issue that needed to be resolved after he passed. Tonight as I walked up from the basement, it felt like he had never been here. It seemed like our life together was over decades ago or it was just a dream. It seemed like a fact and didn't seem to bother me. Perhaps he has moved on to where ever he needed to go. I know he will be back if I need him. I know his signs. I saw one last night while I was at the store. I have taken on a huge venture that is risky. I started a nonprofit. It was the last thing I needed with all my other obligations. Yet it is the only thing that will help shape a future of opportunity and independence for my autistic son and others like him. We can't count on the schools or government agencies. They just don't do the right thing. Every time I get overwhelmed or frustrated and threaten to give it up, signs pop up all over the place and good things start to happen. So I believe my husband became my guide or at least one of them. This new phase seems weird. It feels like detachment. Yet I still feel married and committed to him. Its as if we belonged together forever. Some might think that is crazy or I am stuck in grief. I just think it is how it is. I don't go looking for a new relationship. I don't have the time or desire. The reality is most men my age have grown kids. Throw in the special needs and the probable chances get smaller. Its OK. I am content with my life as it is for now. I had a great life with him. It was true love. My life was better because he had been in it. He will be back around when I need him. Mac, your Cindy always be there for you too. E

Wow. It does hurt to see a page full of meaningless words rather than the volumes of shared grief and history. Ouch. It's cold. I still feel it could have been handled much better. But that's my 2 cents. E

Solstice - from my understanding its the longest day and the shortest day in the year. Equinox is two days that are equal in time length. I'm a little different myself so I vote for unequal. Solstice it is. Pug or Pitbull

This is so true. I had to let go of a lot of perfectionism. I also realized that as long as my clients had their needs met within a reasonable amount of time, they didn't care what days or hours I worked. I judge myself more harshly then they ever would. I stress out a lot about meeting deadlines. We lost many days due to snow here. It is very hard to do my work from home since it requires much concentration. It is nearly impossible with interruptions from the kids. I try it but I can only achieve about 50% productivity. A virtual workspace just isn't the same as a physical one. It is aggravating to me because I am an achiever. It leads me to the failure type thinking. Sometimes I get on the pity pot, poor me....why did life have to be like this. The bottom line is my client's lost snow days too. They understand. Again, why am I expecting so much when their expectations of me are less? I wonder if I am still trying to achieve perfection. The amazing thing is none of this will matter when I am old or the day I die. I was with my husband in the end. I saw what he was concerned about. It was only his children and where he would go after he died. It wasn't work or clients. I constantly struggle with helping my children with school related issues. I try my best but there is so much to do; cook, clean, laundry, shop, errands, house maintenance, etc. I do know the time we do spend together is good. My children know I love them. I know they love me. We do the best we can. One of the things that touch me is my children's drawings from school always contain happy faced people. I find it surprising since they lost their dad at ages 5 and 2. Sugarbell, you are funny!!

I can totally relate!! I have a professional license and own a business. It is demanding for sure. I am thankful I had a career. It gave me a way to earn a decent living to support two kids. I do see my kids off to school since my son has autism. He has a bus pick him up at the door. My daughter takes her bus at the bus stop. I don't have much in common with the bus stop moms. They are stay at home moms. They talk about after school activities and play dates. My kids go to aftercare and we come home at 6pm. They don't understand my commitments and challenges as a single parent and sole financial provider. I am very cordial but lets face it, there isn't much of a connection. It is isolating. I do my best to take time to be with the kids. While it might not be a lot of time, the time I do spend with them is totally free from interruptions. We keep it simple. We don't run around from activity to activity. We do a lot of outdoors things together, read books and stories, watch one of their movies, etc. The bus stop moms are running their kids all over with multiple activities. It works for them. It doesn't work for us. We don't have a lot of time and we need down time as a family. Our family is different. We don't have a husband or dad. We have a member with special needs. That means we have to do things differently. I will say we are close including my stepdaughter who is in her early 20's. We enjoy each other and make it work for us. You are right. We live a different model. Do you have a male role model (brother, in law, or friend) who wants to spend time with your daughter to give her the "dad-like" experience? If not, would you consider Big Brothers/Big Sisters? Just food for thought. Hang in there, I know it is tough. We didn't choose this path, it was chosen for us. We are doing the best we can under difficult circumstances. Hugs, Eileen

Stage IV kidney Cancer. My son was 3 and my daughter 5 months. It was a rough road mainly due to my inlaws reaction of the diagnosis. SIL wanted to be in control. Mind you, she lives in another country! My husband abandoned us. He eventually came around months later but the damage was done. He turned his back on his children including one with special needs. I wrote him a letter telling him how our son lost all of his hard earned speech. My husband didn't react at all. He continued to go on trips, lease a new car and rack up a ton of debt. Even though I wanted to leave with the children, I stayed. I knew my SIL would not be there in the end. I also decided I would treat my children's dying father with respect. It was the right thing to do. 21 months after diagnosis I was with him at his last moment. That gave me peace. It also was a valuable lesson on how to handle discord for my 19 yo step daughter. 3-1/2 years later she and I remain very close. My grief can be complicated. I loved him. We enjoyed a good life even if it was a little disfunctional. My life was better because he was in it. For that, I will be forever grateful. Eileen

I remember 9 months and 18 months being very painful. In my case, I believe the active grieving was over 24 months. I was able to function much better and my mind was clearer. I was not happy but not sad either. I spent 2013 and 2014 in that limbo state. My plate was full with two small children, working, my son's special needs and residual issues from my husband's death which are just nearing the end 3-1/2 years later. So I think I might have had a slower grief path than others. In the beginning of 2015 it was like a light was switched on and I was living with hope and happiness again. Hope this helps. Eileen

I'm grateful to Lauren and the early founders for starting the ywbb.org. However the discontinuing of the site should have AND could have been handled in a MUCH better way. I know there are business issues involved since they were organized as a 501c3. In NY a minimum of 3 board of directors are needed to keep a 501c3 active. Maybe there weren't enough board members to keep it going. However, a business goes through a wind down period when it is closed. The ywbb site should have had a week or two notice so users could transition. It was too abrupt and only catered to the adminstration's needs. The action traumatized many who were already dealing with a tragic life event. I'm surprised as I read Lauren's statement she runs support groups for the widowed. It makes her abrupt shut down of the site even more shocking. Like many have said, it wasn't the shut down itself. It was the way it was handled. Just my $.02. There is something amazing that arose out of the devastation. Look at those of you who had a new venue set up within an incredibly short time. Let's also not forget how you reached out to make sure the news of a new home would be known. Eileen

I found ywbb in 2012. I never wrote a post yet I read daily. I was shocked to find ywbb cut off so abruptly without time allowed for transition. It is sad those who started such a wonderful place couldn't find a way to pass the torch. I, along with many of you, felt abandoned. I applaud all those who reacted so quickly to set up a new venue. Thank you. My husband R was diagnosed with stage IV Cancer in 2010. We had a 3 year old and 5 month old at the time. We were shocked. R had a very hard time facing his diagnosis. He withdrew. It's like he wanted to run from it. He literally started to live a separate life; going on trips alone and running up tons of bills. It was excruciating for me. I was devastated but had to carry on caring for two young children. My older child has special needs so I was very busy. I remember holding tears back as I put the kids to bed then crying for hours every night. R finally came back to his senses but he remained in denial of his prognosis. The day the doctors told him he was out of treatment options, R asked why no one told him his disease was that serious. It was heartbreaking. I stayed with him in the hospital and later hospice 24/7. He was afraid to be alone. As he began to lose his senses, I made sure to constantly tell him I was there. I only left his side to use the restroom. The rest of the time I spent holding his hand. He spoke to Jesus and angels. It brought relief to know he felt at peace when he passed. I would need that comfort to keep me strong in the coming years. I had many challenges to face. There were significant financial issues that needed to be resolved. The children were 5 and 2 when he died. I would learn how to become a single parent while juggling a career, maintaining a household and becoming a fierce advocate for my son. I have survived a lot. We could have easily been bankrupted. It's been 3-1/2 years and I am finally nearing the end of the financial negotiations. It looks like we will make it. We have survived. My grief can be complicated. I am mad R didn't plan for his kids. He advised others to do so yet he neglected his own family. Other times I wonder if I have really grieved at all considering how much I have had to handle since R died. Then there is the true love I had for him. He came into my life and encouraged me to grow in ways I would have never imagined. He was my love, my friend, my confidant, and business partner. We were immersed in so many ways. My life is truly better because he was in it. For that, I will forever miss him. Not a day goes by without me thinking of him. He was a talented and creative man. He left many pieces of art he created. I cherish each one of them. One day the children will inherit these wonderful gifts he left behind. I look forward to being part of this community.