Eddienhp

Jman, Sorry for your loss of your wife in such an unexpected and tragic way. It sounds like you have a good handle on everything even though you have been put in a very difficult spot. So sorry people are irritating you with their opinions how you should care for your children and lead your life. Those with good intentions will stand out. Maybe you should mention how you feel to those who share their unsolicited opinions? How it puts additional stress on you? They probably mean well and want to help but don't realize they are causing you more grief. I also remember there was a point in my early grief I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. It was like I had to retreat, hibernate and regain my energy. I never considered moving. I have a child with special needs so it would be very complicated if I did try to move. My husband died 5 years ago. We had a 5 and 2 year old at the time. He was my business partner, best friend, husband and father of my children. I have adjusted to widowed parenting which is so different than single parenting as there are no visitation breaks. The best way I can carry forward is to live life as he wanted it for me. I try. Thank you for joining us in this journey. You now have a safe place to speak your mind and find support amongst those of us who share your path. Wishing you peace and strength, Eileen

Needytoo, I used to smell the cigarette smoke too. It was undeniable and happened in. Place where no one smoked. I found it very comforting. You didn't ruin anyone's Christmas. You are not responsible for another's actions. I come from a house that had the same philosophy, shut up. It lead to a lot of inappropriate behavior that would be considered abuse. I no longer play the game. Perhaps your ex was trying to make amends for the past. I can understand his contact stirring up old feelings. Try to do what is right for you. Best wishes, Eileen

Took me a while to actually believe it even though my husband had stage iv cancer. I still don't believe I was left with a 2 and 5 year old at the time he passed. I remember at his memorial there was another young widow who lost her husband to a drug overdose. She said, can you imagine at our age we would both be widowed. I was floored just thinking about it. At five years, sometimes I still don't believe it. Sometimes I don't want to believe it. I know it though and I never forget it. Sending you hugs, Eileen

Well I am done with buying gifts. Next year I will make something homemade to give; cookies, chocolate, craft, etc. I wasted time, energy and suffered trying to find appropriate gifts. I got back a key chain and a candle from one brother and nothing from my other brother. Not that I need something but I spent $100 on them and money is really, really tight. I could have used that money to buy gas for the car or groceries for my kids. Not to mention my 7 year old asked if they wanted to buy girl scout cookies. Brother's girlfriend was looking at the list. My brother leaned over to her and said, don't forget I get them for free at the food pantry in September. Wow! He couldn't part with $4 to help a girl develop her self esteem? BTW, My brother takes multiple vacation trips throughout the year. He gets privileges at the food pantry for a nonprofit he runs. I don't think it is legal to take the donation from the food pantry to use for yourself. The worst was when I was talking about my son's school issues. They are really bad issues like lack of supervision and my son got hurt requiring a trip to the ER. The school covered up, lied and started accusing me of lying despite the facts. After a year of advocating at the state level, I find my son unsupervised when I when to a school holiday gathering. My idiot brother looked at me like it is not a big deal. He was actually annoyed I was pursuing my son's rights. Next year I will buy a gift for Mom and I will give my sister her gift in private. I will sit with the family for Christmas dinner out of respect for my mom but I will no longer be stressing about getting the brothers gifts. I am done. They can have a tin of something homemade. Too bad if they don't like it. It will be better. I hope all of you faired better for the holiday!! Eileen

Hi fuchsiasky, I posted about my apprehension regarding the holidays too. I just finished up many grouped significant dates in October and November. December is crammed with work and school activities for the kids. I was never a big holiday person. I was raised in an alcoholic home which was very stressful. Now my husband is gone, I really have a tough time. I have a 10 and 7 year old along with a 24 year old stepdaughter. I try for them. We will be together, just us, for Christmas Eve. We are decorating cookies, ordering take out food and will play a game. I am fine with that because it is what we do when my stepdaughter comes. Christmas Day will be at my Mom's with siblings. That will be harder. It is a small space. I am forced to be in close proximity to everyone. Maybe you could skip it this year. Go to a movie. Take a hike. Bake. Do a craft together. http://widda.org/index.php/topic,2915.0.html I send you and your DD peace and hugs. Eileen

Why can't it just be simple? Keep it about the kids. Share a meal together. Play some games. Nice and easy. Nope. The school has to have a party and a separate gingerbread house event. Thats one kid. The other kid has a holiday event. Oh yeah and there are two 1/2 days to boot. The gingerbread house is on the third day. Are they kidding me? Hello, we work too!!! Not to mention it is my busy season at work. Grandma is elderly. Aunt works too. UGH!!!!!!! I have to buy gifts for family I don't even know much about. By the way, they are my siblings. We only see each other at Mom's house. Once Mom passes on, we probably won't see each other at all. What a chore to try and find something to give them. I live on one modest income. I don't have money for all of these gifts! I am glad there are so many happy and complete families out there. I don't need to see your happy pictures on Facebook. I still can't even open a Christmas card. I only decorate to please my kids. All of this hoopla is just another chore to me. It significantly takes away from my other chores. Significantly. I don't need this sh&&&&t! Its hard enough to pull myself out of depression just to function on a daily basis. Thats with the medication! I want people to stop insisting I come to their holiday gathering. My attendance is not going to cure me. Don't feel bad that I don't go out socially. I am busy raising a 7 and 10 year old on my own. I work full time. I care for a child with special needs. Saturday night I look forward to pjs and tea not to being surrounded by a bunch of people I have nothing to talk about. How many times can I politely say not before I have a meltdown and loose in on the party inviters? Anyone get where I am? I need a little solidarity here. Eileen

SVS, I get it. I feel the same too. I do feel the best days of my life are over. Those were the days of a man I would spend the rest of my life with. A man I had so much in common with. Two young children who would have a mother AND a father. Some say its melancholy, which it is. I say it is reality. I am 52 years old with a 10 and 7 year old. One child has special needs. I don't have time to date. I realize most men my age have grown children. I am an optimist by nature. I continue to live my life in a positive manner. I give my kids the best I can. Most of the time it is not material items. It is my time, devotion and love. I know one day, when the kids are older, I will have more time to get out and meet other people. We walk on the edge of half empty, half full. On a good day, we are half full kind of people. On a bad day, we lean over to half empty. Just knowing I have a safe place to discuss this is a huge help. Especially now that the holidays are upon us. Sending you strength. Eileen

Been there, done that too MACC. I'm not proud of it either but lets face reality. Our kids have meltdowns. We have meltdowns. We have too much to handle by ourselves. Add a special need to the mix and the stress is multiplied. I have a 10 year old with Autism and ADHD so I totally get it. My 7 year old is very scattered with schoolwork and focus. I think she may have ADHD too. I spoke to the teachers. I told them my challenges at home. Kids are in aftercare till 6. Dinner is over at 7:30. Not the ideal time to do work. Aftercare does have a homework period. I had to give my 7 year old consequences for not doing the homework there. No ipad, no tv, no whatever else was important to her. She is typically developing so she knows better. She struggles with reading so I asked the teacher if we could have the weekly reading assignment on Friday so we would have the whole weekend to work on it. The teacher has been very accommodating and helpful. My 10 year old is in special education so its a different solution. His team made accommodations that were equally helpful for us. Maybe its asking for homework earlier so you have the weekend to work on it. Maybe it's getting instructions & due dates sent directly to you so you have a heads up. Think about what would make it easier for you and ask for accommodations. Talk to your kids and tell them you had a meltdown. They will understand because they have their own. You might feel like a failure because you are disappointed with your reaction but it really signifies there is something that needs adjustment. Is there a high school kid that could come help with the homework? Honor society students have to get community service. There a many times I feel like a failure as a mother. I know what I expect to be as a mother. Sometimes I can't achieve that. I have to remind myself to be humbled. My kids are happy. They have a warm bed to sleep in. They have clothes and are well fed. They know I love them. There is so much we don't have. That said, we have each other and love. Here is a thought. What would you tell your friend if they were in the same position? That is what you should be telling yourself right now. I send you strength and serenity along with a big hug. Eileen

Missing Squish, Maybe a break from the relationship is what you need for now. I have been disappointed by people who say they are not available only to find them posting on Facebook they were out having fun during the time we were supposed to meet. I try not to let it offend me but it does anyway. Take a break and let the dust settle. Keep yourself busy with other people or activities. Best wishes to you, Eileen

This time of year isn't my best. I struggle to get through the holidays and its cruch time at work. However, there are two things that have brought me absolute joy; a feeling I never expected to feel again. I was resigned to raise my children on my own and make the best out of it. One was I started a social skills group for kids with disabilities. As it grew, I became aware I was smiling more, laughing and even joking. I realized I was happy once again. A few months went by. One of the participant's told me she loved coming because she felt accepted and safe. That's when I realized I met my goal; to provide a safe and supportive environment for young people to flourish. The other thing that brings me a lot of joy is wearing the snowman suit we bought for our fundraiser. I have been asked to march with the girl scouts, attend breakfast with Santa, sell cookies, even Halloween. Seeing the excitement on children's faces is absolutely priceless! Their joy is contagious so naturally I am affected. My point being, you might want to consider volunteering if you have the time. You will get contentment and happiness in helping those who are in need. There are always library classes, paint nights, meetups, town sponsored activities, etc you could try too. Before you know it you will have plenty to do and a network of people to spend time with. On a daily basis, take a few minutes here and there to enjoy a cup of coffee, sit outside, watch a movie/show, or hobby. Puzzles are good because when its completed it gives a sense of accomplishment. Believe it or not, I truly enjoy my cup of coffee in the morning. Its the 10 minutes of peace I get to start my day. Hope you find what works for you!

Anyone on Long Isand still active here? Bago?

Oh wow. That is a lot! I have a hard time with people who tell me I am better off that my husband is dead. I don't feel that way. My kids certainly don't. I had a tough time in marriage after the kids. Still wouldn't wish for him to be elsewhere. Sorry you had a tough day. Eileen

Thank for the invite but it's not doable for me. Have two young kids; one of whom is disabled. Babysitting options are real limited. Plus I am on a tight budget. Was hoping to meet local for coffee.

Would love to meet others who share the same journey.

I don't know if you have kids or not. I keep the focus on my kids during the holidays. If you don't have kids, maybe you can invite friends over or visit them. I was surprised to find out a childless couple didn't have Thanksgiving plans. My family was already booked at a restaurant. If I were preparing dinner at home, the couple would have definitely been invited! I am a holiday minimalist. I only decorate because the kids want it. I don't listen to holiday music until the day before the holiday. We have few but meaningful gifts. I prepare a decent meal at home. Sometimes me and the kids go on a hike or just hang out. The kids enjoy it and we don't end up getting caught up in all the holiday hoopla. We do visit my mom so sometimes the meal is at her house. Its all low key. Hope this helps, Eileen

So sorry Mekender. You have a lot on your plate. Too many things at once. My grief was complicated. My husband did a number after he was diagnosed with late stage cancer. His family thought he should live the rest of his life to the fullest. He left for a few months and traveled all over, wracking up debt into the six figures. I was so angry that people encouraged him to leave his two young children who were 5 months and 3 years at the time. It was a very difficult time and it destroyed our marriage. I have struggled to negotiate all of that debt since then. I was very angry but I was able to focus on the fact that we were good friends too. I was there when he died. His selfish family abandoned him. It was too hard to watch him die they claimed. Today I can look back and remember the good times we had and acknowledge the turmoil without hurt. You are in a tough spot. Definitely contact an attorney regarding debt relief. There are legal aid societies that are funded by the government that will help for free. Some of the law colleges take on cases for their students to work on under the direction of a professor. Whether you file for bankruptcy or negotiate it down, you need some kind of break. You are already trying to find positives in this tragedy. It will be a tough journey as a single parent of 4 facing financial stress. You will overcome it. Just keep asking for help, whether it be childcare, ride sharing for the kids activities, professional advice, food pantries, etc. Lots of schools donate a thanksgiving dinner to families who are struggling so reach out to the school social worker. They also donate christmas presents. I have used a lot of these services. We had to find a way to survive. You came to the right place. Many of us here have shared your journey. Keep coming back. Sending you strength, Eileen

So sorry for your loss, Laura. I too was able to take care of business in the early days. It was like I had a split personality; grieve or businesslike. I understand OCD. I focused only on items that were high priority and let the others sit for a while. All items were completed eventually. Take it day by day; minute by minute if you have to. I also struggled with what was the point of life even though I had children. One day the sadness and heartache will lift. You will find joy in life again. Your path will be different. Just know, it will happen. There are so many people here that were in your shoes. You will find peace one day. My husband's fifth anniversary was yesterday. For the first time there was no sadness dragging me down. Each year got better and better. Now I am able to think clearly and enjoy life again. I did face big financial trouble in the wake of my husband's death so my recovery took longer than others. The point is, I feel like a whole person again and look forward to the rest of my life. I have not re-coupled and I am fine with that. Grief is a rollercoaster. In the beginning a few good minutes, more bad minutes. Then it will be hours that you don't feel the pain and torment. Eventually it will be days. You will recover and rediscover your life in new ways. Keep the faith. Sending you strength, Eileen

I am just about to hit 5 years in early November. I have not dated either. My kids are now 10 and 7. It would be nice but I have no free time. Too many obligations as a single parent. People have asked me why I don't date. I told them I don't need to. I found that a lot of people can't see themselves living without a partner. They are the ones who usually ask me. It is whatever is comfortable for you. Do you want to date? If so, Portside had some great suggestions how to meet a nice guy. I will keep them in mind if I am ever ready. If you are not ready or don't want to, try not to let others opinions make you feel pressured or uncomfortable. You have to do what is right for you. For me, moving forward consists of giving my children my time, attention, and the best life possible. I am the only person in charge of their well being. I envision a possible relationship when they are older and more independent. Its good you can look back at the men in your life with clarity. You now know what you don't want in a man. Seeing you have been living alone for a while, you will not be too vulnerable to get into a relationship with a person who has significant challenges to overcome. When you are ready to date, keep your eyes open for the red flags. You will be able to take a step back before you get too invested in the relationship. Decide what you want for yourself. Forget what everyone else thinks you need. You have us here to support you. You will be fine. Sending you strength and peace, Eileen

Blue Green, so sorry for your loss. Welcome to the club you never wanted to join. I too felt the same way when my husband died. I do have male relatives within 45 minute drive. They didn't respond to my request for male role model help. I really tormented over it. My son was 5 and daughter was 2 when my husband passed. The 5th anniversary is quickly approaching. A lady who works in the school office has developed a mentor ship with my daughter. My son has special needs so he qualified for a program that would allow me to hire people to help him. His former aide at school took on one night. That man has been a wonderful role model for both of my children. While they don't have a dad in the typical sense, they have access to a very special man who loves them as if they were his own. Don't worry, Blue Green. A man with a kind heart will come your way. It may be a teacher, coach, neighbor or a friend's dad. It will come. Sending you hugs and strength, Eileen

You have experienced a terrible shock, a jolt, the unexpected loss of a spouse at an early age. What you feel is typical for those of us who share your journey. You will find your way through this period of grief. Take it one step step at a time. Be gentle with yourself. It's hard to think clearly and focus so keep it as simple as possible. Only do what you have to do. Focus on basic needs only to conserve energy. Your daughter's needs and your job will keep you going for now. Don't worry about knowing what to do for your daughter. Just give her what she needs and it will all work out. In the early days, I took pride if my kids were fed, bathed and healthy. As long as we made it through the day, we were doing ok. I kept it simple because I just couldn't do much more than the basics. I was overwhelmed, exhausted and emotionally wrecked. I too used to think what was the point. Now that I am past the physical pain and daily sadness, I can see there is a reason to keep going. My husband would want me to be happy and enjoy life. I am a better parent if I am emotionally ok. I still face life alone without a partner but I am at peace with it. My children need me more than I need someone for myself. I send you strength. May you find a moment of peace today and everyday. Always remember we are all here for you. We get it. We have been there too. Hugs, Eileen

Today is my late husband's birthday. It is the 5th one without him. People who haven't experienced our loss don't understand that we still experience significant days. While I don't experience the pain of new grief mostly, I have a cloud of sadness hanging around today. I don't feel like doing anything. It's hard to focus. I am not in the mood to see or talk to anyone. Unfortunately I have a work deadline I have to deal with so communication with others is unavoidable. Its a grin an bear it type of day. My 7 year old daughter made a card. Inside it read, "Dad, sorry". When I asked her about it she said she was sorry he is dead. It is interested how children deal with grief. She was 2 when he died. She doesn't remember him but she knows him through pictures. Both she and my son grieve the void left by not having a father. They miss him even though they don't remember him. It is so painful to watch as a parent yet I must let them express their feelings. I didn't tell them it is their father's birthday. I don't want to trigger more grief for them. This sucks. I just want to stay home in bed. Grrrhhhhh. :'( Eileen

My husband died just about 5 years ago. Since then I have been dealing with becoming a single mother to two small children and working out tons of debt left behind. I am getting very close to working out the last debt negotiation. This one is a little stressful because it involves my home and I was served papers. I have been blessed with a lawyer who has been helping me at no cost. There is a strange sense of peace around me. I keep smelling cigarette smoke yet I don't see any smokers around. I know it is my husband trying to make his presence known. I am not panicking but I am nervous. Some of my friends are panicking. They can't imagine being in my position. It frightens them. I have gotten used to it as I have been negotiating debt for close to 5 years now. It will be a tremendous relief to be done with all of it. It certainly will free up a lot of time and ease my worries. With that said, a new life awaits. No longer chained down with financial issues that need to be dealt with. Beyond active grieving. I've reached the point where sadness doesn't rule my daily life. It will be time for me to step into my version of chapter 2. I do not have nor seek a new man in my life. I am too busy raising two kids under 10 by myself. I am a mom of a special needs child. I work full time in my own business. My chapter 2 is focused on raising my children to be independent and employable adults with good sense of morals, fiscal responsibility and self worth. I want to enjoy our free time together. I want to live and breathe a little easier now the instability of housing status will be removed. I look forward to being more free of stress. It is refreshing to be at the end of the tunnel. It is actually freeing. So, here is to the new chapter of life that awaits me! Eileen

I have experienced a severe financial crisis in the wake of my husband's death almost 5 years ago. I have been negotiating debt ever since. I cut out cable. We have internet only with a magic jack phone. I have Netflix and Amazon Prime to watch movies and shows. We do not go on vacation preferring to enjoy attractions in our area. We rarely eat out. I shop clearance clothing/shoes. It is a lifestyle change but it is working for us. Our life is simple but it is enjoyable and we have fun. I feel we have more quality time together. Part time work is good if you can take on the extra hours. A little cut here and there will add up to a decent amount of savings. Good luck to you. Eileen

The lady who came to advocate for my son's education, the angel who rescued him from a dead end life skills track, the woman who donated a month of her time and wouldn't take a penny from me has been diagnosed with reoccurring cancer. Now it is Stage IV. It doesn't seem fair. This lady has a disability herself. She rose to become one of the top educators in the field. She came to help when she heard our cancer wreckage story. She couldn't resist helping when she saw my son's test scores. She was appalled with the school when she met my son and saw his capability. She just kept coming and coming to meeting after meeting, driving hours of round trip travel time. She refused money. She would only take lunch and a hand made scarf my mother knitted. She is an angel who walks amongst us. My son now has the opportunity to earn a high school diploma. He is getting 80s, 90s and 100s on his classroom tests. It is all because of her. This child was being written off by the school district. Life is not fair. Where is the damn Karma?? Justice?? Hey God, are you listening?? Why don't you take one of those school district idiots who care more about money than a child's future? I don't like this. I don't like it at all. I don't want another family to be devastated by @#$*&^^ cancer. Cancer #$*@#@$%^ SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! Eileen (very tearful and totally unable to focus)

It is hard to hear our children speak of death and serious illness at such a young age. I tried to be careful when I explained how Daddy died. I tried to refrain from telling them he got sick. Instead I said he got cancer and they couldn't fix it. Not sure if it made a difference. My now 6 year old (then 2) told me a cartoon show reminded her of Daddy. I asked her how. She said wait. A few minutes later she tapped my arm. She said that's what reminds me of Daddy. The cartoon characters were in a graveyard. She said that's where my Daddy is. Interesting because my husband is cremated and I have his urn. Maybe she remembers the few sporadic times we visited my father's grave. In any sense, it was heartbreaking. I am sure our children will worry if someone close to them gets sick. They are afraid of being abandoned. As much as we want to protect them, we may not be able to. So many things are out of our control. We can only hope life will be gentle on them. They faced so much already. Hugs to you. Eileen