Eddienhp

I hope you made out ok! Thinking and praying for you. Eileen

What a horrible situation. The kids want to be with you yet crazy-mom makes them feel guilty? She is abusive. Do you have legal rights? Maybe visitation for you and mandated counseling for her? Or you could just painfully let go. My heart breaks for you and the kids. Eileen

James, I am just over 6 years out. How I remember those early days. Days so unbearable I couldn't wait to sleep. I nearly had enough energy to move. I can say it is survivable. It will get better. There will always be a place where your love resides. It sounds strange but somehow we become able to live in the present with our loved ones in our minds and hearts at all times. Sending you strength Eileen

So very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband to cancer. Grief is tough; emotions all over the place, sometimes no emotions at all. It's like a rollercoaster. In the early days you might have to remind yourself to eat, sleep, and do basic self care tasks. People here said to make sure to drink water because crying is dehydrating. They said try to get enough sleep and make sure to eat. I followed their advice the best I could. Another thing they said was I was going to survive this. At a little over 6 years, I can say they were right. I send you strength. Know you are not alone. You always have us. We get it. Eileen

Hi Matts Welcome to the club you never wanted to join. I am a cancer widow just over six years out. Grief is like a rollercoaster. Ups, downs and crazy turns. The key is to live it. Be sad, angry, shocked, disappointed, etc. Feel the feelings. Counseling is a good tool. Its a journey we must take. Over time there will be more good days than bad. Sending you strength. Eileen

My husband's ex is an interesting and complicated person. She does have a few disorders of the mental variety. She is extremely greedy as well. She wouldn't talk to me for years before my husband died. As soon as he died, she couldn't wait to talk money. My stepdaughter was 19 at the time! The ex only got close to me was to find out about the money. For the benefit of my stepdaughter, I made it work. I befriended the ex so I could know what her concerns were. I always acknowledged her perception of how hard her life was (financially) even though she was well taken care of. I saw she needed attention and someone to feel sorry for her. I gave it to her. Even though I personally didn't agree with it. I did it for my stepdaughter. It made things easier and the ex became more pliable. We don't see each other or talk often but I make sure to invite her to the kids birthday party and she is welcome in the house when she is in our area which is not too often. I came to find out the reason she needs so much attention. Her family discounts her as a complainer when she expresses her challenges. She does have diagnosed mental health conditions so she is not fabricating anything. I listen to her and offer my experience in how I handle things. I guess having a child with autism and adhd made me more accepting to challenges and how to overcome them. The point I try to make is when I showed the ex compassion, it was easier to get what I needed from the relationship. It doesn't matter to me that she is stuck on attention for herself. What matters is I need to get what benefits my stepdaughter. I suck it up for my stepdaughter. Its a different way of doing things. I see she tends to withhold the kids if she feels she is not getting enough attention so maybe it might work for you. I hope you find a workable resolution. It is too stressful to deal with this issue on top of grieving and being a single parent. Best wishes, Eileen

In our family we chose to celebrate father's day in my husband's honor. That was probably because it is easier for my stepdaughter to join us. The death anniversary is more of a typical day with reflection and prayers. I reach out to my stepdaughter to make sure she is ok. My children were 2 and 5 when he passed so they don't really have a strong attachment to the anniversary. It's more like a personal day of remembrance. We were thrust into a severe financial crisis which I am still working myself out of 6 years later so I didn't have a lot of money to spend either. My husband is cremated and resides on my nightstand. My stepdaughter and I thought it would be a good idea to celebrate the day eating my husband's favorite foods and doing a family activity. We thought that is what he would have wanted and we got a chance to acknowledge our grieve with each other. Our grief although more manageable now, still continues and we need a day to get together and acknowledge our continued sadness. So its bagels, brunch, ethnic foods and hiking, playing games, water park visits, etc. It's a good balance for us. I hope you find something that works for you. Best Regards, Eileen

I remember your post from 4 years ago. I sat in disbelief as I read it. To be struck not once but twice with widowhood. Being so far away worrying why calls went unanswered. Desperately trying to make contact only to find devastating news awaited you. It was hard to read. I am sure unbearable to live through. Despite all of the tragedy and sadness, you still manage to bring comfort to others by posting here. It's remarkable. Sending you cyber hugs. Eileen

I send my sympathies to you Tammy. I became a widow 6 years ago at the age of 48. The cologne and dreams are visitations. They are both around you. I had experienced the same. I send you lots of hugs. Eileen

My mom and sister both live in a condo community. 1/2 of it is 55 and older. Mom is on the 55+ side and my sister is on the no age restriction side. They both like it. The property has a clubhouse, bocce, tennis, community garden & pool. There is a social committee that hosts events throughout the year. My mom and sister enjoy socializing so the community is a perfect fit for them. Its a nice place to live. That said, you might hear noise from other tenants so it could be different than a house. The rents in our area are more than the cost of owning a condo especially if you have a small mortgage. Hope this helps.

This is a wonderful post Judy! I just passed 6 years so I can relate to a lot of it. I always feel I live with my husband by my side. I know he is there. I haven't recoupled. I have two kids 11 and 8. I am too busy for another person. One day, when the kids are older I may consider dating. For now I am content. I had a great love in life. It might have been short but I feel it is enough to carry me through life. I too see the signs he is still around. Thank you for sharing, Eileen

It is coming up on six years in a just a few days. I am realizing I am no longer replaying the old tapes in my head. The tapes that included my husband's last few weeks of life. I saw everything so vividly. Rushing to the hospital wondering if this was it. I later found out he was literally dying before my eyes. He recovered to a state of consciousness but the doctors said the cancer had advanced and was going to win the battle. There was nothing more they could do. It was time. I had to get my stepdaughter from college to tell her that her father was dying. We moved him to hospice. One of his organs failed so he only lasted two weeks. It was all so surreal. Yet I saw those events so clearly as if I were taking part in them again or watching TV. I no longer feel the pain. I can't even see the tapes. They are more like a book I read where I have to force myself to visualize everything. It is again surreal. I was told this would happen yet I thought it would be at 10. 15. 20 years. I didn't think it would happen so soon. I don't really miss the old tapes but I do feel my husband has gotten farther and farther away from me. Sometimes I look around the house and it feels like he was never there. The mind plays some interesting tricks with our memories. I think this means I have finally healed from the initial pain of losing him. I can go on freely. I have not met anyone new nor am I looking. That is ok for me. I have two children who were 5 and 2 when my husband died. I am so busy raising them I don't have time for anyone else. One has special needs so that requires a lot of extra time and care. Any new man coming along would have a lot to deal with. The timing of this freedom from pain is coincidental to me finally resolving significant financial issues resulting from my husband's death. Its very complicated and too much to go into here but I am at the end of the negotiations. I hold the last piece of the puzzle in my hand and I am about to place it. It will signify I have solved the financial puzzle. I will no longer have to worry about how I am going to pay for all the obligations I have. I will finally have enough to pay it all without juggling. That is a huge relief! I can't believe how much stress I was under. I didn't even realize it because I was too busy trying to solve the problem. My shoulders are no longer tensed up. I feel like I can breathe easier. For the first time in many years I can feel positive. I have survived and I will prosper. Perhaps the financial puzzle kept me from moving forward with my grief. Maybe it helped me to hold onto my husband because I didn't want to let go. In my head I always knew reality yet my heart had trouble accepting it. I will never forget my husband. I think of him everyday. The difference is I no longer feel the pain. Eileen

So sorry. F-F-F-F.

November will be 6 years for me. No relationships. I was too busy surviving and raising the kids. I think about it. It would be nice. Yet I realize I have no time for someone. Maybe when the kids are a little older. I have learned to be ok on my own. There are still goals I would like to meet before I bring someone else into the mix. I hear you though. Definitely can relate. Hang in there! Eileen

I was raised Catholic. While I appreciate the church and its community, I haven't attended in years. It was too hard with an autistic child who would make noises, speak loudly, even run up to get the microphone. I also had another child 3 years younger than my autie. I have attended special needs mass over the years. Even there we got the stares and looks of disapprovals. I couldn't pay attention because I was too worried about my child's behavior. It was too stressful for me. So my children have only been baptized. I do have a strong faith despite not practicing organized religion. That faith has carried me through very difficult times in my life where I just couldn't do it myself. I see interventions and signs that I have help from above and I am very thankful for it. I am wondering how to introduce and teach that to my children. Has anyone taught believe to their children in a non-traditional way? Eileen

I will be in the same position in a few months. It seems surreal. I had very difficult times when my children reached their birthdays that signified they were alive longer without their dad than with him. I am just getting around to cleaning more of his personal belongings. Most I can't part with. The children will want them. I guess I am just collecting and organizing them. Ugh, it sucks. I remember the good times and wonder why he had to leave so young. Hang in there. Sending you strength, Eileen

So sorry Rooshy. What a pity they don't want to be in the lives of those DH loved so much. Some people suck. Sending you hugs, Eileen

I have. Many times in my house I feel like I just saw something pass a doorway out of the corner of my eye yet when I look there is nothing there. I have seen my late husband in dreams. I find dimes which was a symbol of a joke between us. I also smell cigarette smoke occasionally. My last dream of him had a message "I am busy here but I am always with you." At the time I was taking on a career change.

I am at 5-1/2 years. It has been a rather difficult time because I faced significant financial issues in the wake of my husband's death. I am still trying to rebuild adequate family income. I had to go to an SSI hearing for my son. I had to recount all about my husband's business, assets, why my income is way lower, etc. The bottom line is I am torn in all directions. A child with special needs, single parenting two children, becoming a handyman for household repairs, working. I am exhausted. It's hard to get anything done. I am always behind. I am always struggling to take care of something before it gets to a crisis level. I was reminded of the life I once had. The life my kids and I should have had. The father they miss so very much. The retelling of the ugly story has ripped the bandaid off. The wound is open. It's not protected anymore. Everything just adds more hurt, stress, fatigue, etc. I didn't expect this to have such a huge impact. Ouch!!!!! :'( Eileen

So sorry. You have been dealt way too much.

It is finally over!!! I have successfully worked out the last of the debt negotiations. Now I just have to continue to be blessed with the money to pay the commitments I made. LOL! In the meantime a new business venture came my way. It is involving a nonprofit that helps people with disabilities lead independent lives out in the general community. It is perfect for me because it is predominently financial managment of program funds. Also because my 10 year old has autism/adhd and is in the same program so I understand it very well. It will alleviate the seasonal work deadlines I face now by spreading the work more evenly throughout the year. I never meant to be in my current position this long. It is a nice career but way to demanding especially for a widowed mom. Ahhhh, relief! In the first few weeks following the final debt negotiation, I was totally exhausted; physically and mentally. Now I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. It is easier to breathe. I can think clearly and be more focused. I am actually able to accomplish more. I can finally move on. I have closed the chapter on surviving and have opened the chapter of renewal. What a welcome relief! Raise that glass, CanadianGirl!! Thanks for sharing this journey with me. I couldn't have done this without all of you. Eileen

I am 5 years out too. My kids are much younger; 10 and 7. It hurts when I see how much of him is in them knowing he can't see it. They were 5 and 2 when he passed. My 10 year old has autism/ADHD. The progress he has made has been a miracle. How I wish my husband was here to see it. He would be so thrilled. I am sure he would be proud of both of the kids. I wish I could see them interact with each other now that the kids personalities have developed. Sigh. We are in such a difficult spot aren't we? Sending you strength. Eileen

Oh fushiasky I can so relate! I am totally exhausted! My 7 year old daughter is so tough. My 10 yo son has autism. My 7 year old daughter can make autism look like a walk in the park!!! She winds up, makes every solution impossible, then self sabotages. I am normally the most patient person but this kid really could get me into a rage with in 60 seconds. I have had all my energy sucked out. I don't have enough to fight. I walk away from her because I can't stand her anymore. I try to find consequences that will be effective. It's exhausting just trying to parent her. May we all find a way to help these children be at peace. Eileen

So sorry for the sudden and unexpected loss of your husband, dragonfly. My children were 5 and 2 when my husband died after a 21 month battle with cancer. My older child has autism and at the time was nonverbal so it was hard to gauge what he felt. I know my fist priority was to find a male figure. I asked my brothers but they didn't seem interested. Eventually my son qualified for services that would enable me to hire workers to help him. I chose all male workers. They all have been kind enough to include my daughter from time to time. It works for us. Organization was a big key in the early days. Packing the night before school, lists, meal planning & advance preparation helped a significant amount. I couldn't focus or think clearly. The lists helped keep me on track. Journaling was another avenue of relief. I couldn't cry in front of my kids. My son had huge sensory issues. It was a way to relief myself of the tremendous emotional burden I was carrying. Try to rest when you can. You will need energy. Sending you strength, Eileen

Hugs Rooshy. I am at 5 years. Kids are now 10 and 5. My 10 year old has autism/ADHD. Almost right there with you. Best Wishes, Eileen