Eddienhp

I am not in a good mood at all lately. Major work deadline. Ongoing school issues with my special needs son. People asking me to discount my fees. Those fees are what I use to support my two kids. Ironically the people who are questioning are those who are financially comfortable. How dare they? It pisses me off. I'd like to tell all of them to f--k off. Yet I have to be nice until they pay me what they owe. It's amazing they don't see the struggle I live with. They don't care, it doesn't affect them. The result is I am getting cranky, short tempered and even depressed. Can you give me a family discount? Please don't charge me too much, I don't have money. Really?? You spend $275 on a pair of jeans, $100 on a sweater, have your nails done, go on vacation, eat out constantly, etc. I shop in thrift stores, never take vacation, never eat out in restaurants, and look everywhere to save a buck. They know it takes two incomes to survive where I live. I am trapped, I can't move. My son needs the services. I am so sick of selfish people. I am looking into a new business venture. I hope it will be successful so I can leave these time sucking, attention seeking, selfish people behind. Yesterday was autism awareness. Most people were wishing happy autism day. I was not happy. Its a sad day for me. It's a reminder of my son's struggles and how hard I have to fight to get services and supports he deserves. The struggle continues no matter how many advocates I have on board. Sorry, but I don't feel like celebrating autism awareness day. This life sucks today. I bear too many challenges for one person to handle. End rant. Eileen

Such sad news. Oh my his poor mother suffering two significant losses. It's too much for one person to face. Plus everyone at the university are hurting too. It's terrible. My heart goes out to all of you.

Middle of Long Island, NY

This is a great topic. I too feel the same way. I am just over 4 years out. I was with my husband for 18 years. We were business partners, soulmates, parents and friends. In the last few years before he died our relationship wasn't the best. It was strained by parenting a special needs child (autism/ADHD) and a new baby (typically developing). I was overwhelmed by working full time, caring for two small children, and maintaining a household. I felt my husband didn't help as much as he should have. None the less, I truly loved him. He gave me many gifts money can't buy; restored faith, self confidence, business mentorship, a beautiful stepdaughter and two children. I do not have a desire to date. Sure I think about it. Sometimes even fantasize about it. The reality is my husband is irreplaceable. He was such a big part of every aspect of my life. I had my children late in life. Most men my age have kids in their 20s not under 10 like I do. You are right, I do not wish to share decision making regarding my children with someone else. There is also the autism factor. My son is on the higher functioning end of the spectrum. It takes a lot of planning, tons of research to advocate effectively with the school district, managing government programs, teaching him, etc. I have no time to myself and I struggle to balance the attention my son gets with time to give my daughter attention. I simply just don't know where another person would fit in my life. They would have to follow me around as I tend to my responsibilities. I am sure that wouldn't be very rewarding or interested for them. Some of my friends have asked about me dating again. I try to explain it to them but I don't think they understand it. Maybe because they can't see themselves living alone. I have heard it all; you are too young, you have no time to yourself, a man can help, etc. They don't understand I have no desire. They really don't know how consuming autism can be. I wouldn't change my son for anything. He is a beautiful soul with a kind spirit and amazing gift of creativity. I know he is meant for something great. My problem is not with him. It's with the school and government who are paid to help/take care of his needs and they don't unless I press them. I wish they would just do the jobs they are paid for, make our path easier and provide what my son clearly needs. It affects our family greatly. It takes time away from my kids because I am researching, making tons of calls, writing emails/faxes/letters, etc. Anyways, I kind of got off the topic but I think you can how a man would choose to pass up on a relationship with me. Who knows, maybe when I am older and my kids are grown I might consider a relationship. For now I feel blessed I experienced true love in my life. I am content with where I am. I realize I need time alone to resolve some of my own issues. I think it's wonderful some of our fellow widows/widowers go onto recouple. I am always happy to see it and share in their joy. I as well as you are on a different path. Alone doesn't mean lonely. My best to all of you, Eileen

I do keep a budget on my computer so I can see where we are spending money. I always bring lunch and rarely eat dinner out. I prefer a home cooked meal so I don't mind it. It saves a ton of money. Also I don't buy coffee out either. I gave up cable. I have Amazon prime and Netflix. That alone saved $150 per month. I have started thrifting. Some of the clothes are brand new. It's amazing how much that saves. I find the thrift store shoppers are mostly middle class. I do not go shopping until I need something and I always have a list. That helps to avoid impulse shopping. We have movie night and invite friends over. Movies at theaters are expensive for the three of us. I guess you could say we live an old fashioned lifestyle. It works for us! eileen

gracelet, I spoke to my husband on his deathbed about sending messages and requests for help. I told him to ask God if he could be our angel. I would need a lot of help with three children (2, 5, & 18) and the huge financial crisis I was about to face. I told him to help guide my 5 year old because he was non-verbal and has autism. I told my husband, you will be able to do much more from up there than you could do from down here. November will mark four years since he passed. Events that have taken place since then clearly prove my messages and requests have been heard. I am sorry to hear of your grandmother's health issues. I wish both of you peace as you deal with this health crisis. Eileen

Hi Rooshy, I posted this before I saw your response about taking your child out of latchkey My autistic son had a one time incident at aftercare that led to a 3 day suspension. They were talking about kicking him out too. I wanted him to continue to attend because he has grown so much socially there. Also because I have to work to support our family. I asked the school (public) to sent the behavior consultant there to make suggestions regarding techniques to the aftercare staff. Because they took so long to send someone, I got a behavior support person from NYS OPWDD (disability agency) to go to the school. She worked with them for a few weeks to train the staff. In addition the school gave my son a 1:1 aide at the aftercare. The bottom line is if the school aftercare receives government funding, ADA applies and they must make reasonable accommodations for your child. The result after two years: my son successfully participates in aftercare. The staff has a greater understanding of his challenges and are more comfortable with him. Some of them have become my son's biggest advocates. If you want your child to continue in the program, don't give up just because of one incident. Like you said, you work in a school with children who have even greater challenges. Your child deserves to participate in society. "Why do I have to be the young widow? Why do I have to be the single parent of a special needs child? I didn't choose this, I sure as hell didn't ask for this situation" Oh, yes! What a bad hand we were dealt. Some days I get so damn angry about it. Today is one of those days for me. Many hugs, Eileen Here are my new thoughts: It is wonderful you found someone who is available and wants to care for your child. You won't have to be on edge wondering if/when the latchkey program will ask your child to leave. Shame on them for their horrible attitude and mentioning they would be "looking" for reasons to remove your child from the program. I hope your son enjoys his time with his 1:1 caretaker and you enjoy peace. Eileen

Thanks to all who responded. I appreciate everyone's thoughts. I feel a little better knowing it was probably due to a grief spurt. I don't think I want to be part of the click. I don't have patience for shallow people and my limited free time is too precious to waste on them. I just feel it's rude to stand there ignoring us and talking about all sorts of activities they know my kids aren't part of. I have to remember they live in a bubble. They haven't experienced what we have and they have no clue what our lives are like nor would they care to think about it. I have been giving my contact information to parents who have something in common with us; their working or they have a child with autism. Hopefully I can build a network for good social opportunities for the kids. Thanks again for responding and reminding me I am not alone on this journey. Eileen

First off let me make this clear that I do not want to offend any stay at home parents. I wish I could be you. This is simply just a rant. First day of school here. I go to bus stop anxiously because I have one special needs child who takes the mini bus and the other goes to the local bus stop. I say hello to everyone then start alert status. The mini bus must pick up at the house. The bus stop is a block away. My eyes dart around wondering which bus is coming first. I also help my son engage with the other boys. I am waiting for the "he talks like that because he has autism but he is really fun. He likes Minecraft. Do you too?" This is so the kids don't start making fun of my son. The kids moms are right there but they dint even bother to tell their kids to stay off the lawn. They are too busy chatting it up about the after school activities and play dates they are going to have. The ones my kids can't go to because I work and they go to school aftercare. My daughters bus comes first. The bus stop moms take a picture of all the kids except don't bother with my kids. Then they all start walking away without even saying goodbye/good day. I make sure I always say hello to everyone. Kind of awkward to say goodbye when their backs are to me and they are already 15 feet ahead. I hate the bus stop. Nothing like having it all in your face. We don't belong to the after school social clicks. We don't belong cause I can't afford all the dance/gymnastics/etc classes. We don't get invited to any of their parties or play dates. We are like invisible to them, especially my son. Everyone loves to ignore him as if he didn't exist. He is such a sweet child. It always hurts to see how a lot of people disregard him. I don't know if it's jealousy because I was supposed to work part time before my husband got diagnosed. Their easy, less stressful life should have been mine. Work for extra money, enjoy flexibility and a good income, have a spouse help with 2 kids, you can fill in the blanks. Maybe it's because days like this reminds me I have been robbed. Cancer took all that from me plus my children's father. I can't give my kids what they want most; their dad. I never signed up to be a single mom. I hate the bus stop. I don't want to hear the bus stop moms talk about all this stuff. There it is. I've said it. Only 179 days to go for a reprieve. Eileen

Kudos ManutesGirl! It's not off topic. I know how it feels to be doing something that I wouldn't have done if DH was alive. I started a social skills enrichment group for children with special needs. My DH would not have been supportive of it. I'm sure he would have thought I was stretching myself too thin. One can argue that point but I know my son needs the extra help & support. I work with disabled adults too so I know where my son will end up without support. He is on the fence with his skill set. I am trying to help him develop independence & functional social skills. I wish you luck on your challenge. You prove we can overcome tragedy & heartache. We can live again. eileen

I am here on the Island too. Let me know if you reschedule. Eileen

Yes, yes, yes. I feel the same. Absolutely. I was just going to open a topic on a very similar thought. I am so tired of being "different". My daughter got invited to a neighbor's mid week, afternoon birthday party. She can't go because I work full time and she is in daycare for the summer. I politely declined and stated the reason why. The response was "let me know if anything changes". Seriously?! WTF is supposed to change? Am I going to win the lottery so I can be a SAHM? I am the outsider at the bus stop. All the ladies are SAHM or work part time. They have no clue what my life is like. They chat it up about all the afterschool activities their kids go to. My daughter wonders why she can't go to dance, gymnastics, karate, etc. We don't have the money and I can't get her there. During the school year, my kids go to aftercare because, you guessed it, I work. Trust me, I have no disrespect for SAHMs. My life would be so much easier if I was one. I do have an issue with someone who is not sensitive and can't try to think what someone else is going through. They are clueless and disrespectful talking about their afternoon plans together while my daughter is there listening to it. I use facebook for business only but I still see everyone posting pictures of their great summer activities. How I wish I could take time off to do some things with my kids. My days off are spend attending to my son's special needs appointments, school meetings, etc. I struggle to maintain a house, business, kids, and whatever else comes my way. I am so sick of it. Actually today I am really pissed about it. It freaken sucks. I was supposed to be the part time working mom. Life played a trick on me. I have no choice but to accept it. Sore thumb and all. I try hard to give my kids the best life possible. It's bad enough they can't have their dad. I hope I do impart good life lessons in the small amount of time I do get to freely spend with them. On another note, through a government program I was able to hire help for my son with autism. One of the young adults I hired is a man who is very nice looking. I am tired of my friends making a big deal of that especially in front of him. We are all old enough to be his mother. It is inconsiderate and inappropriate. I didn't hire him for his looks. I hired him for his ability to work with my son. Am I the only person who has the decency to treat this young man as a person? I am sick of rude people!!!!! ............end rant. Hugs to you Captain's Wife. I guess the best thing for you to know is you are not alone. Eileen

Thinking of you SimiRed. Hope you are doing well.

Top floor for me. I could get to the pool in a few minutes then have privacy at home. Hiking or movies?

Many hugs to you Gracelet. I've been to LI Pride this year. I actually had a vendor table for the non-profit I started for disabled kids. Although I know many lgbt folks, I've never been to Pride. I plan on going next year just as a spectator to enjoy the festivities. It's wonderful to be with people who are simply themselves. I know how much you loved your wife. She left this world way too early. You both enjoyed participating in Pride together so it doesn't surprise me you had a bout of grief. We are forced to live with broken hearts. It's a good thing we can come here to share it amongst people who get it. Hang in there. Eileen

Yay for you!!! Great job.

Sending you strength and peace, Tracey. I think you answered your own doubts by stating the cons are pages long and the pros are only a handful. Plus your son won't even take an apology from this man. You are doing the right thing. Hang in there. Before you know it you will be adjusted in your new space and your son will be grateful for the change. Hugs, Eileen

@BrokenHearted2, been thinking of you. Hope you are holding up ok. Hugs, Eileen

Yes absolutely it is ok. You didn't choose to be a single parent; it was forced on you. Raising kids alone it tough enough. Having one with special needs is overwhelming. I have a son with autism too. I get tired of all the paperwork, fighting for services, meetings, constantly finding and training staff, etc on top of working, supporting and maintaining a household by myself. Throw in a meltdown and I am done. You are venting in a healthy way. My concern for us is does the anger consume us and affect our ability to participate in life. If it is a build up of frustration followed by a vent release, it is typical behavior. If it significantly impacts our ability to function for an extended period of time its an issue. Thats my $.02. I get pissed at my late husband, look up at the sky and yell at him. He left a real financial mess for me to deal with. He should have known better since he was an accountant. I didn't need to deal with negotiating my way out of tons of debt on top of a then nonverbal, autistic 5 year old and a 2 year old. I am self employed too. What I had to deal with was unbelievable. It sucks to be the one left holding all the responsibility. I do have to say if God had to choose one of us, he chose the right one by taking him. He wouldn't be able to handle what I have to especially my son's issues. Give yourself a lot of credit for facing and for dealing with the situation you have been left. Vent away then give yourself a big hug. You more than deserve it, Rooshy. Eileen

You all have me thinking. We don't have any fathers left either. My dad and FIL are both deceased. The only "father" in the family is my brother who totally abandoned his own son. My mother thinks I should go to the cousins fathers day celebration. She doesn't get it. In the past three years, me, my stepdaughter and my two little ones would spend the day together doing a family activity. This year SD is busy with a summer college class. I will hunker down with my little ones and do something fun. I just wish I didn't have to see it everywhere. Eileen

It's been 3-1/2 years so one would think I would have gotten used to this already. I want to take Father's day off the calendar. No disrespect to our widowed fathers out there. I don't want to hear about it, see it, or have to deal with it AT ALL!! It hurts that I have two children 8 and 5 who want their dad and can't have access to him. I never ever wanted to be a single mom. This sucks, sucks, triple sucks. Eileen

That's a tough one since I need both. I guess I will have to go with Shampoo. Walk in park or trip to the mall

How are you and baby making out, DeeDee? Thinking of you both

Hi Rooshy, Did he get on or close to a horse after he finished his meltdown? Oh boy my son used to have some big meltdowns!!! They diminished greatly after he could express himself. Hang in there!!! Eileen

Very touching post, Ginger. I can relate in so many ways. At 3-1/2 years out, it seems like R was never here. Yet I remember and miss R terribly. I have not dated. I have two small kids and a lot on my plate. I have come to terms that I may be alone the rest of my life and I feel OK with it. My life with R and love for him was truly rich. It seems irreplaceable. Here is to you, Jim and your love for each other. Eileen