Eddienhp

so sad.

Thanks for posting the link Rooshy. My son was a headbanger, thrower of all electronics, runner, yeller, and a bunch of other things. It's always good to know we are not alone. I am tired of fighting for everything too and my son is only 8! You are right Pat, my son taught me so much. He has made me face challenges head on and grow. I know I am a better mom because of him. Look what I started to help him and other youth affected by autism and developmental disabilities. www.itsmyplace4.me. I have become an expert at picking myself up, dusting myself off and moving on. LOL!! Eileen

Hugs to you. Sometimes siblings need to be told exactly what to do. My mom has had a double stroke and respiratory failure in the past year requiring two hospitalizations and months of therapy. My sister is the first one to help since they live very close and my sister doesn't have kids. I am next but I have two kids 8 & under. My two brothers are clueless. Me and my sister made a plan for Mom's care then told the brothers what they had to do. We even wrote up a list. It's like taking care of children but me and my sister had to do it so we wouldn't burn out. Just a thought. Hope the siblings step up to the plate and help you. Best Wishes, Eileen

Hi Brenda, Sending hugs and peace to you. I am 3-1/2 years out. My husband was my love, business partner, trusted friend, and father to our children. My loss impacted every area of my life in a significant way. I remember the days of hopelessness, despair, depression, and not caring if I continued to live. I took one day at a time. I had no choice. I had a 18 year old stepdaughter, an 5 year old, and a 2 year old. I was on autopilot for 2 years. It got better. I could laugh again. I looked forward to things. I could think clearly once again. The third year came and I felt like my old self again. I had joy and enthusiasm for life once again. I can now think and talk about my husband without feeling pain. The sadness has turned into gratefulness. I was lucky to have him in my life. He came along and made life better. Then I was set free to live life on my own. I didn't want it but I couldn't change it. How did I reclaim joy & happiness? I'm not sure. It was a lot of things. I showed up. I worked through the tough grief and single parenting challenges. I believed if others here had began to live happy lives, maybe there was hope that I could too. Keep the hope. Feel what you have to feel. It's all part of the experience. You can and will survive this. We have your back so you are not alone. Best wishes for you, Eileen

I too get a lot of signs. There are way too many to list but the most amazing one was at a water park. There was a man that looked exactly like my husband in the wave pool. So much so that my friend got spooked. Then I found 7 cents. I picked up the money and told my friend, "look, R is saying I will be ok. It's all going to be ok." His death left us in extreme financial hardship. I taped the 7 cents to my desk at work. It sits next to a sticky that reads "be not afraid, rejoice, the gentle healer" Those were three songs that played consecutively which was wierd because I had shuffle on. They came to me when I cried for two months straight after I learned about my son's autism diagnosis. I have seen some amazing things happen following R's death. I know he is clearing my path of the financial chaos. I see him in dreams. As I talk to him I acknowledge he is dead. I say thank you for coming. Then he shows me something that is different. It's like he is showing me a small glimpse into the future. It's always nice to see him. He looks so healthy, vibrant & young. The signs make it easier to accept I have to live without him. Eileen

Thinking of you DeeDee. Wishing you the best. My kids were 2 and 5 when my husband passed. One of them has autism too. I too wondered how I was going to do it all. Somehow 3-1/2 years later we have managed to survive. I'm not sure how we did it other than taking one step at a time. Utilize your resources. It sounds like you have family who want to help. Let them help you. May your little one bring you joy and peace. Eileen

Hugs to you SimiRed. I hope you figure it out. You deserve to be at peace. Eileen

I would do a prenup if you have assets and children. It may be uncomfortable to discuss but should anything go wrong, you will be glad you have it. Divorces get ugly. They are emotionally draining and legal fees are expensive. A marriage is a legal relationship. I have seen quite a number of my clients get divorced. The only ones who made out well were the attorneys. It's unfortunate but it is the reality. I vote for prenup. Eileen (who will probably never marry again because it is too complicated! LOL)

My nature is to be a people pleaser too. I am also a former doormat. It started growing up in a disfunctional, alcoholic home and continued into adulthood. I can relate to all of the posts. I can see how you feel it is you who needs to change. We simply need to not allow another person to take advantage of our good nature. The concept is simple. Applying it to real life is not. It has taken me years to get it right and I am not 100% there yet. I still tend to fall back into old habits. I am getting better. I catch myself way before I get resentful. I am not perfect but it is much better. Now I try to think more before I act. I try to see what the other person's motive is; what are they getting out of it. Then I try to think of how it will affect me. Will it cause me to fall behind on my needs? How far out of my way is doing a favor going to take me? I have found often the people who complain constantly are the ones who do not follow through with helping themselves get out of crisis. My catch phrase is your crisis doesn't have to become mine. I can't put out others fires when I have so much responsibilities in my life. I work, have two small children, one with special needs, etc. My plate is already full. Yet, due to my tendency, I will still take on someone else's needs if I don't stand guard. People are all too willing to take. Very little of them actually help. The prospect of volunteering was mentioned. I think it is an excellent idea. Find a nonprofit who does something you care about (animals, boys/girls clubs, etc) and as if you can help them. It will feed your people pleasing appetite in a safe way. You will also meet some people and cultivate relationships. I run a nonprofit and we are always grateful for our volunteers. I have met some truly amazing people. We love our volunteers. It's a win-win for both sides. This family needs to learn how to help themselves. The husband doesn't take charge. The kids are disrespectful allowing you to to clean by yourself. There is something so totally wrong with the picture of you cleaning late at night and everyone is in bed. You have to have time for yourself and your family. You deserve it. They may react negatively when you try to set boundaries. Try not to worry about it. It is not about you, its about them. You will post here as it unfolds and we will be here for you. Wishing you the best. Eileen

I look at the "widow card" as shorthand. Its a quick way for others to know the challenges we face. MrsD, you face a lot of challenges. You didn't ask to be a single parent. Your husband died. You were left holding the bag. New job, moving, etc. It's a lot of transitions. You were handed a full platter in life. I sincerely wish everything goes smoothly for you. Hang in there. Eileen

We had our first fundraiser for our non-profit yesterday. We had a vendor table at a local event. I knew the lady helping me was short on funds. I treated her to lunch. When everyone was packing up, I went to the food vendor to ask for the leftover food. I got 3 trays of sausage and peppers. The lady went home with many meals. Eileen

Great News! It's nice when you can pick the job you want! Good for you!!

I had empty seltzer bottles to return to the store. I saw an older lady walking down the highway collecting cans. I stopped and gave her mine. She was so surprised and thankful. I had the wife of a client come to my office with their special needs child. The child was delightful. The little girl wanted me to sing and dance with her. Her mom was so happy someone showed attention to her child. As a special needs mom myself, I get it. I texted the client (dad) to tell him how much I enjoyed my time with his daughter. He was thankful too. I spread the happiness. In return I got a big smile on me. Eileen

My husband wasn't a donor since he had cancer and went to hospice. My father did become a donor at the age of 73. My sister made the decision. I know my father would have approved. He was the type of man who would stop to help a stranger. He donated skin and bone. A few years later my sister received a letter from a recipient of Dad's vertebrae. It was touching to to know some one now enjoys life pain free. Eileen

reggae, definitely reggae. I love most music and listen to it all but I feed very closely connected to reggae. A lot of it is spiritual and I love that it is "upside down"; the bass is the melody. Its very surprising to people when they find out because I am a suburban white chick. Hence the Bob Marley headshot. Grapefruit or pears? Eileen

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful love story. Mrs. C was one lucky lady to have you as her man. 😃

I wish I could come and meet all of you. I will be doing our first fundraiser for the non-profit I started so I can't change plans. Have a good time!!! Eileen

PJ, I think that says it all. Your daughter will be happy to have you with her. Your sister will have to learn how to live with the change. Thank your sister, make sure to invite her to things after you move there; in other words feed her ego. I have a feeling she needs to be in control and feel important. Someone told me a few years ago how they dealt with difficult people in their life. He said, "Learn their strengths and weaknesses. Then figure out how to utilize them best in your life. They will subconsciously adapt and feel important because you asked for their help." He was a smart man from a broken family. I thought what he said was simple so I gave it a try in my life. Sure enough, it cut out some of the bs I had previously put up with. My motto is "feed the ego" when those types of people (controlling, never wrong, know it alls, etc) are around. Hope this helps and hugs to you. Eileen

We walk in at 6pm so dinner has to be ready quick. I do cook in advance so I can heat up and throw a meal together quick. I also have a few dinners that are fast to cook from scratch. The problem is we are in a rut of eating the same things over and over. The kids are 8 and 5. We don't eat or order out much and home prepared food is preferred. I would love to hear your ideas! Thanks, Eileen

I am often (weekly) fighting the bad parent monster. I feel like I can't do enough, could do it better, etc. Yet teachers at school tell me I am an amazing parent. I don't understand how we have such different views. I guess they see I do try. I'm not sure if these are parenting successes but they impressed me: My son with autism participated in the general ed musical without assistance. He was flawless and looked indistinguishable from his peers. Way to go Jo. You worked hard and proved you CAN do it. I will make sure to remind the CSE committee when they make their recommendations for placement. My daughter didn't know I was at the school. She happened to be passing by in a line of hand holding kindergarteners. She shouted Mommie and jumped up and down to get my attention. She had the biggest smile. I went to give her a big hug and sent her on her way. Both of my kids drawings contain people with happy faces. That really got me. Especially considering all they have been through. I may not be the best parent but I am always trying to instill self confidence, good morals and to appreciate the simple things in life. Kudos to all of you hard working parents! Eileen

Ditto, ditto, ditto and ditto. I am at 3-1/2 years. 8 year old with autism and 5 year old. Special needs children have more issues to attend to. I don't think I would have time for another person in my life. I hear the same type of thing; "too young to be alone". Maybe people are uncomfortable with it because they fear being alone? I have adjusted to being alone and it will be for most likely the rest of my life. It doesn't bother me, why should it bother them? Vent away. We get it. Eileen

I started a non-profit to help kids with special needs. My son is 8 and has autism. We work on social skills, self esteem and offer information and guidance to parents. The long term vision is to help these kids become more independent and employable. I got a phone call from a social worker inquiring if the program would be suitable for a 9 year old she knows. Next thing we are talking about another young man she is working with who is 26 and has autism. Michael plays guitar and sings. He wanted a job performing. He will be helping us with our music program for April. Evidently our long term vision needs a new timeline! LOL! Eileen

3-1/2 years for me. First year I was just numb and surviving. Like someone posted, just trying to get through significant dates (anniversary, birthday, etc). Second year around 18 months was tough. Reality hit. This is what my life had become. It wasn't pretty. I am thankful to have my kids who needed someone to help them so I had to be an active participant in life. We went places and had fun but deep inside me there was overwhelming sadness. That mostly dissipated around the 3rd anniversary. Now I feel I can be joyous again. I remember my husband without the sadness and pain associated to him. E

That is beautiful. It's great that John and you were able to blend your late spouses into your new life together. E

Hi Lynn I know it's hard but try to relax. Your sister might just be having anxiety about how it will affect her life. People tend to procrastinate and avoid when they don't know how to handle an issue. You did the right thing for your child. You needed to give her a safe place to live. It must have been a very difficult decision and move to make. I have a feeling you will move there and your daughter will naturally gravitate back to you. Children want their parents. I hope it works out for the best for all involved. It's aparant how all of you love your daughter so much. Wishing you strength & peace, Eileen