Mizpah

Oh honey, my heart breaks for you and your sweet little girl. You've had way too much loss and suffering for such a young woman. It sounds like difficult circumstances have been your life for some time now. I hope that this is the last tragedy you will have to mourn, and that you have some relief from the stuff going on around you so you can grieve in peace. As much as you can, avoid the things and people that increase your upset. I'm thinking of you.

The relationship between the adults is, according to some people (who knows which experts are to be believed anymore?!), the template upon which kids will model their ideas of relationships. I want my daughter to feel like #1 to her life partner, and to seek that kind of relationship. (My boyfriend is a traditional "kids come first" guy, so there's a bit of tension there and I guess I'm already failing at the whole teaching by example thing, sigh.) But in terms of time, maybe a daytime is kids/family time, and evening/nighttime can be grownup time? Sometimes. I don't know. It's so complicated.

I'm thinking of you Jen. I hope something good happens in your life really soon. I'm sending hugs and love.

Maybe you want out of this job and it is only compounded/magnified by grief. Have you thought about looking for a new one? The timing is bad - I can't imagine interviewing for a job 6 months out, but I also couldn't have imagined moving at 5 months out, and I was forced to and it was ok.

I was scared of how badly I felt, how dark. It gave me the opposite urge: everything was so dark inside, that I tried to make everything around me as good/light/healthy as possible. I ran a lot. I worked out. I spent as much time as possible outside in sunshine. I didn't drink - things were naturally so bad, I was scared to introduce any chemicals at all into me, especially depressants. I embraced routine. I did lots and lots of therapy (twice a week at first, then once a week). Once I stabilized a bit, after over a year, I allowed myself a little more regular life and flexibility. In my opinion, you have to let yourself fall apart a little, or else it's all bottled up and toxic. But you also have to kick your own @$$ a little and force yourself to set yourself up for surviving/thriving/healthiness so you don't compound the already huge misery that we were thrust into. Just IMHO.

In the very beginning, I would get so angry whenever anyone tried to relate to me. This wasn't about loss and grief as ideas, it wasn't about MY experience. It was about HIM, unique. As time went on, like you, I missed the life we shared, what we shared, the "us." Three years is a strange time, it's a strange in-between in a way. I loved reading this post. I love the way you write and what you said. I'm thinking of you.

It seems that's exactly it, that you're incorporating who he was into a life that is moving forward. It's really beautiful.

It feels so good to get rid of useless stuff that makes things chaotic. I'm so glad you're purging! Yay! Makes me want to go home and throw things away.

A widow friend of mine put it best when she said, "All of our babies died when he died." The babies they never got to have, the babies DH and I never got to have, and all of you too. One of the hardest parts of losing him was knowing there was no piece of him left in this world. Even though I now have a daughter (with a widower), it breaks my heart that he never got to be a father (he was a ball of love - he would've been amazing at it), that there's no living being who may have his eyes or that one mannerism or anything. His native language was Hebrew, and he never wanted me to learn, because he wanted to have a secret language with our kids. We were about to start "trying." Every time we walked past a reflective surface - a mirror, a storefront, water - he'd grab me and make me look at us and say, "Look how beautiful our babies will be." Sigh. All our babies died when he died.

Can you have your kids do something for her, like make her cards? I feel for her - it's Mother's Day and her son is dead. But she has grandchildren. I think something like cards or flowers or a phone call is a good balance between your need for distance and doing a good deed? Edited: Oops. I didn't hit post until waaaay later, and you'd already resolved it. I think it's a good decision. You don't have to have a relationship, but it's good for your kids to honor her, and for her to have someone on Mother's Day. DH's mom was very dependent on him, practically and emotionally. I was very judgy and angry about it after he died, and talked to my therapist a lot about it. She called him a "parental child," and apparently it's quite common, unfortunately. I feel badly for your MIL. She lacks the capabilities or opportunities to have a broader life perhaps, and I think it's not as uncommon as we'd hope in earlier generations of women, who, as you say, went from father to husband. It's hard not to take it personally or be personally bothered by it, it's an unwanted obligation, or rather not yours but inherited but you want to not inherit it. I don't know.

Thanks, all. So glad today is the last of the (what feels like millions of) anniversary dates. It's like a cloud that I try to ignore, but can't, even though I feel ok. It's nagging in the periphery, just with its presence. As for the book, I'd love to, but I'm only on book 2 of Karl Ove Knausgaard's 6, and it's slow-going, with my 2-year-old whirlwind and the dumb full-time job, grrrrr. The pile of what's next keeps growing though, so maybe I'll add it, let me know how it is.

Oh gosh! May you be the last! May the pattern be broken. Sigh. Congratulations! Really happy for you!

I get this when I see old couples. Also, when on FB, friends my own age (in my 30s) post things about their 10th or 15th or 20th anniversary with their partner. I am jealous about the longevity of their relationships, the history they've been able to have together, whereas ours was cut off prematurely and we had such plans and had only just begun, and begun so well. I get "jealous" (on behalf of DH) when I see old men, because he only got to be 28. And the same with fathers (even my daughter's father), because he wanted so badly to father our children and never got to experience parenthood, which he would've been so good at. I'm happy for them all. It's lovely. It's not an anger or wanting them not to have it, but just a nagging feeling of injustice.

Yes yes yes yes yes.

I'm sorry, April. I think you'll probably find what I found here: extremely supportive, kind people who can relate to various aspects of similarity. You may find some who can relate to veterans' issues, some who can relate to not being overwhelmed by grief, some who can relate to having children, etc., etc. My heart breaks for your kids and for you and all you've had to carry. I hope the solidarity we can offer will bring you tiny bits of comfort. (The young widowed parents section is full of amazing, strong, wise parents.)

I'm so sorry you feel alienated. I am no longer in touch with my in-laws and it hurt feeling on the outside. I set up a trust in case I die, so my life insurance will go to my daughter without needing a court-appointed trustee and fees and all that. The lawyer I met with said that a common way to structure it is so the child will get 10% at age 22, 25% at age 25, and the remainder at 30, but the person setting up the trust can structure it however they want to and appoint a trustee of their choosing. I wonder if maybe she doesn't realize how much you are struggling financially - the word "awkward" leads me to think that maybe it wasn't out of a sense that you're not family, but social discomfort with sending you money????? I don't know. Maybe I'm looking for a silver lining that isn't there, but maybe their intentions were better than how they feel. I hope so.

Sounds like you know you need to cut it off. I'm sorry. He sounds like a sweet guy. I wish he were more what you needed/wanted and less a mess. Thinking of you.

Random thoughts in my 5-year anniversary week: - About two weeks ago, I felt unhinged and unstable. Now I feel fine. - I keep seeing things about the 5-year anniversary of bin Laden's capture. Back then, I didn't know we'd gotten him until 2-3 weeks later, because I was in the all-encompassing bubble world of hospital and death and shiva and grief. It was the first thing that upset me in that particular widow(er) way: because DH wasn't here to know it had occurred. The world had already begun to change, was different from the one he'd witnessed and inhabited. - I believed myself to be extremely well-adjusted to his death, because of intensive therapy and a great support system and lots of working out and lots of writing and outdoors and lots of delving and processing, and I still do to a certain degree, but.... I'm realizing as time goes on that perhaps aspects of my difficulties in my current relationship are due to... not COMPARISONS necessarily to my relationship with DH or to DH himself, but.... Aspects of healing I have perhaps not achieved, let's call it "applied healing." I'm reconciled with what occurred, but my idea of what relationships are and should be, or my behavior/gratitude/attitude in relationships, or my idea of what a man should be in a relationship), maybe I'm not there yet - it's all still entwined with my experience with DH. Before DH, I'd never known that people could be so in love, so mutually obsessed, so mutually worshipful, so harmonious together, could sustain that early "in love" feeling for years. I want to feel the way I did. I want to *be made to feel* the way I did. I'm so angry at my boyfriend for not making me feel that way, for not giving me that kind of love. But no one is DH. He was extraordinary. I knew that, he knew it, everyone around him/us knew it. So why do I not *KNOW* it in the context of my new life? My boyfriend is not perfect in his treatment of me, but (I think because of DH) I am emotionally insatiable and always disappointed. And the love he gives me is nourishing in other ways, has a different kind of value, that I am either failing to appreciate or choosing not to appreciate. I have returned to therapy. I told her at our first session last week that I'm not sure whether I'm there because my relationship is destroying me, or because I'm destroying my relationship. Hopefully it's neither. I'm ready to stop this pattern. - I feel uncomfortable typing this, but I don't miss DH. Of course I wish he hadn't died. I loved him "with a love that was more than love." I can't imagine ever being happier or as happy as that, it sounds like delusions of grandeur but I can't imagine anyone being happier or as happy as that. My life would not be as difficult and emotionally painful if he hadn't died. It will never be ok that he was denied a life that extended beyond 28 years. He loved life and would have continued to make a great one and he would have appreciated the $h!t out of every tiny drop of it and those around him, as he did. His death is the great tragedy of my life. But I don't miss him. I'm accustomed to his absence. Maybe it's because I'm distracted by being in a relationship or by raising a young child. But I don't miss him anymore. And I don't feel guilty, even though I can say "he should be missed," while also saying, "I don't miss him." And that's what 5 years is like for me.

That's frustrating for sure. I'm sorry. The ineptitude and passiveness and obliviousness - I don't know you, but from what you post you seem supercompetent and together and strong and capable. Feeling like someone is dead weight is just so frustrating. (Maybe if you don't have second thoughts, you should give yourself the time limit of trying to force yourself to do it before the grass reaches normal length again, hahahaha. Sorry. Comic relief?) Ugh. When's the easy part?!!!! Edited to add: P.S. Greyhound bus in his yard????? Oh, NG.

I think it's awesome and brave. Why not try? What's the worst that can happen? Go you!

Why did you cancel therapy? Do you not like your person? Is it not bringing any relief to "get it out"? Are you on meds? I think many of the widow(er)s here struggle with depression as well - people? I wish I had great advice, but all I have is support and hopes for lighter days for you. Do you have a friend you could see? Where do you live? Are any of us nearby? Keep talking. Keep reaching out for help. It's what we're here for. Edited to add: I don't know anything about living with depression, but I know about living in/through/with grief/loss/mourning, and time does help. Time does bring bits of relief. You are still very, very new to the grief "journey." There's a reason the phrase is "hang on for the ride" - I hope you will keep hanging on.

Yay! This is such awesome news! I smiled more with each paragraph! Congrats, momma! May it continue and only improve!

Can you take a day or two off from life, and go sit by a river or a lake or the ocean or in a field or something? Go for a little hike? Go to the spa for a massage or a mineral bath? I realize most of that costs money, and maybe that's a strain too, I don't know. If there's anything that brings you relief, maybe you can indulge in a bit for you?

I'm so sorry for your and your daughter's great loss. I'm sure all of us could relate to all/most of what you sad. Keep working out (but you already know this). I think a lot of my healing was due to consistent working out and running. It is a dark and lonely experience/feeling, and it's good to get as much good going on inside as possible - endorphins, etc. Getting sunshine and being outside helped me a lot too. I used to chant inside my head, not even really knowing what I meant by it: "Turn to the light." It sounds like that's what you're doing/trying to do. Looking to the spirit of who your wife was for inspiration is also something I can relate to. I felt like DH was gone, and I wanted to incorporate within myself and my outlook his own outlook. I realize it's impossible, but it felt like a positive, purposeful mission at the time - be more like him. I like to think/hope that, 5 years later, I am a bit.... We all understand whatever feelings you have. Lean on us whenever you need to. It can be a very dark and lonely journey.

Try to remember how early out you are. Of course you feel hopeless about better days. But you will not always feel this way, though you can't see/feel it now. There is relief with time. Healing and rebuilding is a very gradual process. It is normal to feel terrible right now. Maybe try to drop the Benadryl - it seems you know it's not a good idea.