Mizpah

He died when he was 28 and I was 32, and tomorrow he would've been 33. I have a daughter now who's almost 2 and who is, of course, not his. I have a boyfriend. I moved. I have a new life. I haven't gone to his grave since I moved. I never walk on the streets we always walked on and I never go to our movie theater or our favorite restaurants. I don't see his family. I think about him all the time, I talk about him here and there. His birthday was always a big deal - we did a whole week of celebrating - why not? He loved life. I loved him. He loved me. I'd wear this T-shirt that said "BEST DAY EVER" in big letters on the day of. Always did special things - planned to go to Tahiti for his 30th, but, alas, he was dead. After he died, I'd have a dinner party at his favorite restaurant - candles and great food and wine a few steps down from the sidewalk in Manhattan - we'd tell stories and toast to him. One year it was in the midst of a beautiful light snowstorm, that glittering kind of snow. My life is a million miles away in time and space now (ok, only a couple hundred and a few years, but still). I'm no longer a single/widowed NYC girl. I'm an overburdened overtired working mom of a young girl, in a challenging relationship with a long commute in a rural place with no friends. I thought the hardest part of my future would be missing DH, but I find that life remains hard, though not as soul-wrenching and it's different - and I have my daughter. Tomorrow I'm going to dinner with my sister to celebrate DH. I put on my wedding band this morning, my annual gift to him, starting a day early (why not?). I meant this to be a post about him - how he had the hugest heart and the most love, so generous of spirit, that he saw through bullshit (but never called out anyone on anything - except me, on everything, with love and affection and admiration) and knew exactly what was important and what wasn't. I don't know. As time goes on, it feels harder and harder to access "the real him." Did anyone read A Grief Observed by CS Lewis? He makes really great points about memory. How it's not them. It can't contain them. Their gestures, what it was like to be in a room with them.... All gone. And I'm all that's left. I hope to love like him - big, forgiving, seeing the best in someone and so fostering that. But I'll never be like him. I asked him one night in bed what it was like to be him and he said, "Just like being you." But it wasn't. And I'll never know. No one will. And the world no longer contains him.

Yes. There is. But right now you are very early out. Right now there may just be surviving and that is ok. I tried not to set my expectations too high too soon. Hey - you're not just lying on the floor screaming, "Noooooooo!!!!!" That's something. I started to feel alive again at about 2 years out (I'm at almost 5 now). It's different for everyone, and I wasn't a caretaker/illness widow. I have lots of cancer widow friends though. A couple are married. Some are in relationships. Some have kids with new partners. Some are on their own. But they all feel WORLDS better than they did in the first few months/couple years. Just hang on. Let time carry you. Let yourself feel all the things you naturally feel, good and bad. It will get better.

Your experience has affected me deep down - I think of you a lot. This post brought tears to my eyes at many points, and I almost never tear up. Your bravery and accomplishments are really inspiring. I'm so grateful that you've shared all of this with us.

I'm glad he apologized - as he should. I'm glad that you're done, too.

Aw, MountainMan, I feel for you! It's really hard to go somewhere you don't really want to go, for one reason and one reason only - a person. I know, because I did it. I was living in NYC when I met Widower BabyDaddy. I'm from upstate and he knew my mom - then his fiancee died. I reached out to him (a stranger to me) to pay forward the support I'd gotten, having absolutely no idea what would eventually come to pass. We were text buddies for a few months, just about widow stuff, checking in, how ya doing, that kind of stuff. When we eventually met, it felt inevitable that we would come together. A few months after that, I was pregnant with his baby and moving upstate to live with him. (I was 34 at the time, and he was... 37?) It was a very very rough adjustment for me. Still is really. I'd lived in huge urban centers for nearly 20 years, and left "home" as an 18-year-old, hoping never to return and knowing since I was a child that I didn't "belong" there or in a rural place. But here I am, in the middle of nowhere, nowhere I'd ever choose to live if it weren't for him (like your lady, he doesn't have mobility - he has a son and a business). I won't sugarcoat it - I wouldn't choose to live here if it weren't for him, and there are a lot of times that I feel my life kinda sucks because of the choice I made and I can't tell you how many times I've growled: "F this place!!!". BUT I *DO NOT* regret it. There are good and bad sides to every place, and maybe you can "resign yourself" to that place and find the good stuff about it??? I have. My opinion, not that it matters a tiny bit: If you would regret not seeing if this can work, you should do it. If you have job mobility, you can always "take it back" and leave if it doesn't work out? I get not wanting to uproot your daughter, but.... I'd rather regret a geographical location and think, "Ugh, this place sucks!" than regret not being with the person I loved. (PM me? - where did you live in NY?)

I left the city I'd lived in for over a decade. I lived there before meeting DH, but he'd been there since he was 11. It was where all of our memories were, and his family and everyone who knew him. At about two years, I started craving a big, big change. I ended up moving to be with the man I was seeing, also a widow(er). We now live in his house. But I'm feeling the need for change again - we live in the town where his late fiancee was born and raised, she'd never left. So, yeah, I get it. Fresh starts feel good. It's not like we'll ever rid ourselves of memories, but it's hard living among constant reminders - "this is the place where ____, this is where ____," etc., etc.

I'm at 4 1/2 years and I almost never cry about him in general anymore and almost never cry because of photos of him. We didn't have children, and even though the fact that he never got to be a father and I don't have his child makes me very upset still, I wonder if, if we had kids, I would cry more, for the kids losing a father. I don't know.

Before I was ready for it, this poem made me RAGEOUSLY angry. So if you're there, I'm sorry. There were many books I threw across the room because their message was too hopeful and positive. Feel free to curse my name for posting this response - I won't take it personally. It's cheesy for sure, but there's something in it that I love. Epitaph By Merrit Malloy When I die Give what?s left of me away To children And old me that wait to die. And if you need to cry, Cry for your brother Walking the street beside you. And when you need me, Put your arms Around anyone And give them What you need to give to me. I want to leave you something, Something better Than words Or sounds. Look for me In the people I?ve known Or loved, And if you cannot give me away, At least let me live on in your eyes And not your mind. You can love me most By letting Hands touch hands, By letting bodies touch bodies, And by letting go Of children That need to be free. Love doesn?t die, People do. So, when all that?s left of me Is love, Give me away.

I don't think of an hour as long distance - I commute an hour each way for work every day, and when I lived in the City until a couple years ago, it took 50 minutes to get anywhere always. Could you get a babysitter every now and then and meet halfway between you guys? Sounds like the work schedules are more difficult than the distance in my opinion. It all depends on what you're willing to deal with, interest level in this guy, etc. But I wouldn't let an hour stop you from having something good. Edited to add: I did a long distance relationship (3 1/2 hour drive apart) for a while, then moved to be with him.

I lived in NYC for over a decade. There came a point a couple years after DH died where I started to crave a huge change. My friends were having kids and leaving the City - I was the only one left in Manhattan. I said to a friend at some point casually over lunch: "I wish I was married to some guy who had to move somewhere random for work, someplace I'd never want to go, like South Dakota or something, something I have no choice in and just have to make the best of it and have our little life." OMG that "be careful what you wish for" thing was never truer. I didn't really mean I wanted to move to South Dakota! I should've said Corfu or Moorea or something! I started thinking about moving to Israel. But I shortly thereafter met a man who doesn't have geographic flexibility for various reasons, and we got serious and now we're raising our daughter together out in the country near where I grew up (not in South Dakota). I'm not one of those people who believes that if you throw your wishes into the universe, they come true, but it's kinda crazy how I got what I wished for - and it's been HARD. Not sure what the lesson is here, if any, but that's what happened.

Six days of the silent treatment seems like more than a bump. I hate being ignored, it makes me so angry. I'm sorry. You deserve more respect and kindness. I wish things were easier and happier. I hope they will be soon.

I'm so sorry. Too young. She should be here to celebrate and be celebrated. Your post struck me because it forced me to recall an incident at work I'd forgotten. I was in a meeting and we were discussing a colleague's case that involved a pedestrian getting hit by a car (this is how DH died). The pedestrian had suffered brain injuries (this is also how DH died). It was within months of him being killed. They must've forgotten. They kept calling it a "pedestrian knockdown," and speaking about it so casually and almost flippantly. I walked out of the meeting. I was enraged. Unlike you, I wasn't waiting for any scolding. I was ready to flip out on someone. Should you be able to sit through a slideshow almost a year later? I'd phrase it this way instead: "Why should I have to endure this less than a year later?!" F them. You have to sacrifice your emotions and your sanity for a shiny appearance of "all is well" for others' comfort? F! That!!!!! Maybe you should create or designate some kind of special place or memorial where you can find refuge. I "bought" a bench in our NYC park where we used to sit or take our walks and go for runs and read and have picnics, etc., and had a small memorial plague put on it in his memory. It doesn't have to be formal like that, but maybe a haven for you, meaningful in some way to the two of you or just to you, in place of a grave.... (I stole soil from his gravesite on one of my visits, so I'd always have his grave with me.) (Those commercials about families and people surviving make me livid too - my boyfriend is a widower. His fiancee died in a car accident and I get enraged on his behalf.) I hope you find some solace today in some way, or find a way to celebrate her life even in the midst of her painful absence. I'm so sorry.

It is a loss. While I do believe that death has made me stronger in a million different ways, in "matters of the heart" and emotional relationship issues, while I wouldn't say it's made me "weak," I am definitely very, very sensitive and vulnerable. So I can only imagine how you're feeling. Thinking of you and hoping you heal quickly and fully.

Saw you left and am sorry to see it and what prompted it. If you read this, know that all of us (even those you felt were tearing you down) are just rooting for you and want to protect you and worry for you and care about you and want what's best and healthiest and happiest for you. I hate that you've left and so don't have our support as you go through this loss. Know that we're thinking of you. I hope your heart heals and that you find someone to share your life and love with as you deserve.

It seems to me this isn't as much about being mixed faith, but about one of the institutions being invalidating toward her/your status together. Theoretically, it's easy to pass it off - oh, it's the stodgy Catholic church, progress is slow, this is just the way it is, a thousand crazy rules, the leadership doesn't matter as much as the experience, etc., etc. But when you are shunned by any part of the world of your partner, it simply doesn't feel good, and what should religion be if not about goodness? This post makes me really glad to be Jewish. BUT one of my exes' parents - they didn't feel I was Jewish enough, and it made me (much against my will) rather bitter toward them and toward their sect, even against my own culture/religion. That stupid trite meme quote about not remembering what people said, but remembering how they made you feel - I find it is a bit true unfortunately. She feels insulted and rejected, and I think they say that women's memories are very emotion-based, which could explain why she can't put it aside. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC125046/ As for mixed faith - I am of Jewish descent but was raised Catholic until I was in 6th grade, and am an atheist. My boyfriend and father of my daughter was raised Catholic and is extremely anti-religion. He doesn't participate much in our Jewish traditions, but we continue to do them. For example, when our daughter was eight days old, I had a Hebrew naming ceremony at our temple, and he didn't come. BUT it's fine with me, and it's fine with him and neither of us feels upset by any of it. No one's been rejected or invalidated. It seems you want everyone together when it comes to religion/attendance, though, which makes sense, so I suppose everything I'm saying is irrelevant to your situation.... As the wedding issue fades with time and new habits, perhaps gradually she will come to feel comfortable at your church? Could you do three weekends at hers, and one at yours for a little bit, then do equal time, and revisit the issue later? Does she know people who attend there? Perhaps by integrating her into the community, she will grow attached gradually and come to see the technicalities as just that, rather than affronts to her status/validity.

Oh, hon. I'm so sorry. What happened (if you want to share)?

BabyDaddy

Oh, dear. My DH was 28 too, and died suddenly (was a pedestrian hit by a car on a sidewalk). And my family was with me for about the first month too. And I cried in grocery stores too. I'd like to say it was only once, but it just wasn't. You will stop crying in public at some point! But at your timeframe, I didn't WANT to be less sad. I wanted it to hurt as badly as it hurt - couldn't have hurt worse. And allowing myself to mourn with all that I was was the best thing I could've done for myself. Let yourself feel. It is healthy to do so, though so unbearably painful. My advice is talk about him and about your feelings - to friends, in a journal, to a therapist, to us, etc. My thoughts are with you. I'm wishing you moments of solace.

Psychotherapy/psychoanalysis - that's all I could think as I was reading your words. It sounds like processing this and thinking/talking through it to find sources and patterns and triggers and healing and coping and betterment, it can all be found there. I'm biased I suppose, because I did lots of it. But I truly credit that (2 days/week the first 8 months after DH died, then once a week for a couple years) with how well I feel I did in dealing with DH's death and the aftermath and my re-entry into life.

Sounds like a robot. As DH would say, "Next!"

My situation is and has been different from yours, but I too have been through difficult times in my "chapter 2." I'm trying to think of how to be helpful, what to focus on, but I'm having difficulty. I don't know why. You're long distance? I think that is a large part of it. Small slights and rudenesses and misunderstandings and little issues can become much bigger in distance. My boyfriend is not a good communicator, to the extent of just simply not responding as a general practice - to texts, even to in-person statements, when he even senses the potential for conflict or confrontation. This has been EXTREMELY difficult for me to deal with and navigate, because I'm an overcommunicator (which I consider a good thing! hahahaha). He often thinks I'm trying to fight with him when I'm actually seeking resolution and closeness and greater understanding/betterment. I am ALWAYS the one to recognize and break the cycle. Always. Without exception. I always apologize for my part in things, even if he's done something I feel he should apologize for - he very very rarely apologizes. I pick my battles. These are not the ones I find to be important - everyone's different, and I know this stuff would drive some people crazy/angry/hopeless. Many people (including some of my former selves) have very black-and-white opinions about other people's relationships, perhaps from their own experiences, perhaps from being bombarded by simplistic quotes slapped into memes and taken as relationship gospel. Humans are so complicated. I throw out generalizations, and focus on him (and me). His interpersonal habits come from a place. Understanding him is my task and my privilege, just as treating me well is his. He shows his love in ways that are very different from my ways, and because of that difference, I was often blind to them or discounted them. I try not to expect him to be like me. I try not to take personally his own coping mechanisms and limitations. You say it's happened before. You say he's done a number of things recently to upset you. Recognizing the patterns that result in bad times has been key for me. For me, it's been well worth the efforts. I've matured a lot because of it. Sorry - not sure any of this babble is helpful. Wishing you only good things!!!

Guilty for living when he was denied that? Or guilty as in feeling like you're disloyal for re-investing in life, and for feeling for someone/something other than him, in his absence? I understand it logically. I expected it. But it never happened. Maybe it's because I feel self-pity, my least favorite trait in anyone, including myself. I've always felt that the accident that killed DH happened to both of us. I know it's different, and maybe even offensive that I think/feel that, since I'm alive and he's dead. I don't feel guilty. At all. If the accident had never happened, in a room of models, billionaires, and geniuses, I would've seen only him. I was destroyed by his death. My life, my self. He never got to be a father, and I am a mother. He never got to achieve his American dreams of moving to the country and having a yard (urban immigrant), and I have done that. Etc., etc. I can and he can't. But I can't do it with him. So I feel no guilt, because that was my first choice, my only choice. I've been forced into this. I've embraced it fully with gratitude, but it was not my choice. My feelings can't change your feelings. But maybe hearing that someone feels no guilt will let you absolve a tiny tiny portion of yours.

Who needs to know this and why? You. You need to face the truth of what you had - good and bad, we all should. Should the woman you're with be given an honest and accurate portrayal of your relationship history? Probably, to the extent you talk about past relationships. Publicly? Why? Who? What is the importance of the nature of your relationship with your late wife to the public? Close confidantes, to whom you talk about relationship stuff, yes. Maybe your children once they're adults, if they ask questions, in a very limited and respectful way. It doesn't seem to me that this is a public issue in any way. It seems like something we all should do - see our pasts clearly, learn lessons from them, accept what was, and try to avoid repeating patterns that make us and our relationships less happy and healthy than they could otherwise be. Edited to add: Regarding photos, etc. I'm with a widower. Upstairs in an out of the way place, we have one box for DH and one box for his late fiancee. We used to have a couple photos up each. We don't throw these things away. Even if he were not a widower, I wouldn't throw them away. There can be a middle ground between enshrining and discarding. Edited again to comment: I agree fully with Sugarbell that tearing down something or someone else doesn't build up someone/something else. Chapter 2 shouldn't feel as though she is living/loving/being loved in comparison to chapter 1. That is the real problem as I see it, not the nature of chapter 1.

I love the slow, patient story of the engagement! I'm so happy for you.

Not sure if this belongs here or in Beyond Active Grieving. But it's about my new life, and not about grief, so here goes.... My daughter is a little more than a year and a half. Her father is my current boyfriend, Widower BabyDaddy. I'm more than 4 1/2 years out, and he's more than 3 years out now. As many of you may remember, I lived in NYC for more than a decade, but when I got pregnant, moved a couple/few hundred miles north to be with him. Before I moved in, I wore a locket with DH's photos in it, every single day, all day, my wedding band (with his name engraved in it, as mine was in his) on the chain. When I moved in, I took it off out of respect for him/our new life together. I put it on every now and then - not often, maybe a few times a year. I was wearing it yesterday. I was changing my daughter's diaper. She grabbed the locket and pried it open. I thought she'd say, "guy," because that's her word right now for everyone that she doesn't know. But she got really excited and yelled, "Daddy!" To the photo of DH.