Mizpah

Read it years before losing DH and loved it. Read it after he died and loved it.

Before DH, I never wanted children. My love for him was so big that I wanted to create something that was part him and part me. After he died, I didn't think I would ever be a mother, and didn't want to have any children that weren't his, deeply regretted not yet having kids with him. I understand your feelings completely, and if you'd told me back when I was at your timeframe that this would be my life, I'd have thought you were crazy and I would've been enraged. I've found through my experience that life is full of surprises, ones that are good too. But that doesn't help you now. You don't know what your future will bring you to, you just miss the life and the future you had. One of my widow friends said it best back then, that we hadn't just lost them, but we'd also lost "all of our babies," the ones we hadn't yet had. Going through these terrible dark thoughts is the only way to ever feel better, I'm sorry to say. I'm sending you tons of love.

Are you opposed to just going out as friends? If you're not, maybe you should tell him your situation and offer to go out just as friends, and see if he's interested??? I forced myself to casually date someone before I was ready (I was about 15 months out), and it was actually really really good for me. Not for everyone, but it helped me.

I'm with a widower and know the discomfort that comes with the terrain. No one has disrespected me in any way and it's hard enough. I can't imagine how awful that must have felt. That person is highlighting her worst fears. As long as you're a safe place and you guys are intact and healthy, I think the feelings will slowly improve, though I'm sure the worries will always be there, no matter how small. In many ways, a relationship is two people "against" the world, not as in hostility/adversarial, but two people as a team confronting the outside. Take care of each other, weed out the idiots, and process the feelings/thoughts (no matter how unsavory, difficult, or contradictory) with love and acceptance and bravery, and that's really all any of us can do.

This was a very painful aspect of his death for me. He wanted to be a father so badly and would have been naturally amazing as a dad. I'm 4+ years out, and this still upsets me - not only that he never got to be a father, but that there's no little piece of him left in this world (not that children ARE their parents, but...). I am now a mother (my daughter's father is a widower and so she's a double-widow-baby, and somehow the happiest child on earth). But it doesn't change the fact that he never got to be a father. I have the opportunity to heal and have another life, but he did not, and it's one of the hard, permanent aspects of this terrible thing. Their lives were over before they even got to embark on certain major life events. It's so tragic, and that never changes. It does get easier to bear somehow, but it never gets less tragic. I'm thinking of you. I'm so sorry.

There is nothing better than finding something new from/of them when we thought there was nothing left to find. I'm so glad for you. It's lovely.

Yes, very quickly. That being said, I fell in love with DH within the first few minutes of the first time we ever hung out (and he did too). I've only really had one relationship that began gradually. I've read that fast judgments can be as accurate (or more) than those made over time and observation, I think it's called thin slicing or something (did Malcolm Gladwell write a book on this? I didn't read it, maybe I read *about* it????). I believe in trusting your gut. The only exception is that some people present themselves one way during courtship, and then either withdraw or show ugly true colors once a relationship has solidified. That's the danger I suppose....

I surprised myself a couple weeks ago. Was having a conversation with a person whose spouse suffered a severe mental health crisis with far-ranging, permanent repercussions. He/she now has to raise their child alone and deal with all kinds of financial, legal, parenting, practical and emotional issues. This person said to me that he/she feels that he/she "lost" his/her spouse and is in mourning. The "old me" (I'm 4 1/2 years out) would have been offended and enraged. The current me, without thinking, said: "In some ways it's worse, because ___ is still alive, and so you shouldn't have to suffer like this." Do I feel that the comparison this person made was insensitive? Possibly. But it was not intended to be such. This person was processing their feelings. I want people to be able to talk to me. I feel terribly for this person. I don't feel that my experience was minimized by virtue of this person allowing herself/himself to talk freely. Every situation and person is different (maybe I'd feel differently if the person was flip or thoughtless). So much of it has to do with tone, so much of it has to do with specific circumstances. A lot of it has to do with what you're ready for in your own process. People say dumb stuff. People say dumb stuff trying to connect and find common ground. People say dumb stuff trying to feel better about things, or trying to come to grips with the bad situation they're in. I remember why I was, but I'm glad I'm not as easily offended anymore. It makes my life and my mind more peaceful. Not saying there's anything wrong with getting mad about this stuff - it can be very upsetting and can feel invalidating for someone to use our experience in a minimizing comparative way. But I'm glad it no longer upsets me.

Breakups are so painful. I don't envy your position. Hopefully knowing you're doing the right thing will give you strength and clarity in the doing and the aftermath. When I was younger, in movies and books (and real life!) when people who loved each other broke up, I could never get it - "love is all you need" and all that. Life and people and relationships get so complicated. It's painful for me, as a romantic - I admit, to see that love cannot fix everything, and parting ways is often the best course. And as for her devastation - you're not doing her any favors staying with her in a situation that brings her pain and one that you don't want to be in anymore. I know, wayyyyy easier said than done. Thoughts are with you. I'm so sorry.

My one year, I spent mostly in solitude, but considered it a quiet celebration of my having survived a year of something completely unbearable. I wandered around the City all day - luckily, it was a bright and sunny day. I took myself out to lunch. I bought myself a pair of jeans I'd been wanting. I tried to make it less about death, and more about my own survival. I'd spent nearly every moment of the year about him. I gave myself a day for me, being proud of me, as he would have been.

First, Jen, I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm speaking from my very specific experience. And keep in mind - I choose to stay with my depressed guy, every day, through all of it. So when you say it seems there's no hope of finding another partner because you're depressed based on the comments here: absolutely not. Would I prefer that depression was not part of my life? Absolutely. Would I choose away a person I love because of it? No. But I'd be lying if I said it's not difficult. It's difficult for the person living with it, and it's difficult for the people who love that person. It affects everyone, just as all of our baggage affects others. The difference is: the person who has depression doesn't choose it - the person who loves that person and sticks around, they do. So perhaps you should have MORE hope, not less. Serpico, I'm not of the "widows can do no wrong" camp or of the DGI outrage/DGI witch hunts. But when I'm talking to someone, I can see their side, and cheer them on and support them. We all have to do what's best for us, and we're all individuals. I love my boyfriend and I have empathy for him and I am loyal to and supportive of him. He's mine and I'm his. His pain is my pain, to a certain extent. It would be dishonest of me, though, to pretend it's easy. Taking on living with someone else's mental health struggles is no easy thing.

I don't know. You don't sound crazy to me. She sounds beyond the pale and totally deserving of your wrath and vengeance. But maybe that's just cuz I'm crazy too....

"It takes a village," and your village has totally failed you. I'm so sorry. I would be angry too. And for what it's worth: F these A-holes! You're doing a great job under the worst circumstances. They should be in awe of you, not criticizing. I'd like to see any of them do what you've done with what you've been given.

My in-laws suddenly became very observant (we're Jewish) as soon as DH died. The ceremonies I had to endure (and the super orthodox rabbis and rules) were incredibly traumatic to me. I did it to "keep the peace" and because DH was such a good son that I didn't want to further upset his grieving parents. In the beginning, I wasn't thinking straight - about what was best for me. At about 30 days out, I decided I would protect myself when I needed to. I'm glad you drew that line partway through the service. I think there is a way to honor grieving in-laws and also honoring our own well-being. It's a ridiculously hard balance to keep at the worst possible time to try to keep any kind of balance. I'm thinking of you.

I hope that today is getting less painful as the hours go by, but you're so early out, you will be in raw pain for a while if my and my widow friends' experiences are anything to go by, though I wish you (all suffering in the early days) immediate relief.... I lost DH very suddenly, and we too never talked about what if - he only told me he'd use his last breath on this earth to tell me he loves me (couldn't), and that we needed to be buried in the same casket (obviously not possible, and probably not legal anyway), and that he'd cut my hands off if I ever looked at another man (this was jokey - he was NOT serious and not possessive or violent, just adoring and very "no one's in love like we are"). I was left wondering what he'd want - thinking maybe he'd want me to jump into the grave with him at the burial. Thinking maybe he'd want me to fall in love and do all the things we'd planned to do together. I didn't know. I can speculate based on knowing him - no one knew him better - but when it comes down to it, if we didn't talk about it, I can't know 100%. So I have to trust that he loved ME and he trusted ME and so he believed in my decisionmaking and my preferences and needs and inclinations. If I wanted to be alone, if I wanted to find someone else. So I trusted my gut, and just tried to incorporate the best of his traits into my outlook and my life, and hoped that I would conduct myself in a way that would have made him proud of me. And I laughed when I read two years, because it was EXACTLY at the two year mark that I naturally began to feel alive again. Perhaps it will be shorter for you, I hope so, you seem determined and like you know what you want and you will make it happen. But if it isn't shorter, and if you have a hard time and if you need to grieve and mourn longer than you'd prefer, don't rush yourself to be somewhere you're not ready to be. The best favor you can do yourself, in my opinion, is to be as true to yourself and as honest with yourself as possible, as genuine and authentic within yourself as you can, even if that means being sad longer than you want to. I'm at a different life phase than you, but two years after my (28-year-old) DH died, I traveled to the Middle East and Europe alone and came alive again. When I returned, I unexpectedly fell in love with a widower (I truly believed I'd never again have feelings for another man), and now we have a beautiful, joyful almost-year-and-a-half-old daughter. You will rebuild. You will likely find joy in life again and you will, if you want, likely find a partner who you love. My mantra in the darkest minutes, days, hours, I chanted in my head, "Turn to the light." I didn't even know what I meant at the time, but I think there was something in me that was chanting: Survive. Thrive. Be alive again one day.

You're being so smart and strong about this. I admire it. It's not selfish to choose healthy over unhealthy.

My boyfriend and father of my daughter is prone to depression. I call it contagious. A person who's down can bring you down. It depends on how bad it is, how frequent it is, how deep-seeded (is he just grumpy or does he not value life - there's a huge spectrum of depressed/bummed out). It depends on how easily affected you are by others' moods and emotions. It depends on so many things. I'd prefer to be with someone who wasn't depressed. I've never been with someone like this. It's a bummer. But in my situation it's not a dealbreaker.

I find it difficult to be with someone who's still figuring his stuff out and trying to establish his place in the world. That being said, if you like him and he fits with your life right now and he's a good guy and it doesn't bother you, maybe there's no harm in that fact. If you don't need a partner to support you, I guess it's a matter of whether it's a sign of something else in him that doesn't bode well, or whether it causes you to have less respect for him as a person/man. Maybe it's fine and he's a dreamer and a starving artist. Depends on what you're looking for.

This kind of stuff is so hard, because it likely reflects her deeply-held, sincerely-held beliefs, belief structure, possibly even religion, etc. Each person's lifeview can be so different, that conversations like this can really only be productive between people who share the same philosophical view, or between two people who have already acknowledged that their beliefs are different, "but here's what I think...." When people say stuff like this to me, I smile and nod and chant in my head: "Smile and nod, smile and nod." What's frustrating about this to me is that, I've found in my own personal experience that, things don't just happen (except tragically premature death I guess!!!). For me, if I wanted change, I had to decide within myself I need a big change, and start trying to think of ways to make it happen, and take actions in my life to change things toward some kind of goal, even if the goal was vague and the end result foggy and unknown. Maybe some people have benefited from chance and good things just happen and the direction of their life alters with no cause of it coming from themselves. But I've found that hope, trust, and waiting are not reliable ways to make good things happen in life, and so platitudes like that are unhelpful (in my view).

Go you! Congrats! Exciting

This is one of the hardest firsts, in my opinion. You articulated something I had forgotten - the terrible feeling of being the only person who has a memory of something you both shared. It almost feels as though it didn't happen if there's no one alive to share it with. I took to telling stories about him often, and writing them down in the early days. There is nothing easy about this loss. But we are all here for you, and understand the terrible feelings you have to experience. I'm thinking of you.

I love this adorable story and photo. I'm so sorry. I too have multiple dates, and at 4+ years out, I've stopped having to explain to myself or anyone else why the date is the date: the date I use is when I knew he was gone. I too dealt with sudden loss and an extraordinarily close and loving relationship with no children, and I'm so sorry. You will not always feel this bad. There will be relief somehow - I didn't think I'd ever feel better, but I did. I don't think the brain and heart could sustain such raw, intense pain for an extreme period of time. I wrote down all the stories and memories I could think of in the early days (I actually did it for more than a year). It helped me immensely at the time, and I'm so glad I have it now. We're all walking with you, ahead of you, behind you - different circumstances, but we all understand loss and your feelings. I'm wishing you moments of comfort and solace.

You're certainly not typing to no one - we've all been where you've been. Beginning stages, completely overwhelmed, the crushing unbearable raw pain. I lost my DH in a car accident (he was a pedestrian on a sidewalk) and he had brain injuries - like you, I knew when he was gone, and it was very early, though the post-incident ordeal lasted a few days, like you. The sadness and guilt and lost feeling, all of it, contradictory feelings, it's all normal. We're each grieving totally different individuals and totally different death circumstances, but there are many things we can all relate to, and we're all with you in spirit. I'm 4+ years out and things still feel surreal a lot of the time. You WILL feel better with time, more able to live with this, you will rebuild some semblance of a life, you will have good feelings again, but it doesn't help right now (I didn't even WANT to feel any good feelings ever again in the beginning). Right now you just have to experience grief, mourning, pain, loneliness, missing her. We're here for you.

My heart goes out to you. It's so hard grieving, let alone grieving while dealing with the loss of your other lives - healthy friendship and colleague lives. My advice is therapy. I lost my husband in a sudden event/car accident as well (he was a pedestrian) and I went to therapy twice a week for the first eight months (yay health insurance). For me, having a place where I could be a huge mess, or an angry mean person, or think through it, etc., etc., it was absolutely key. I lost a lot of friends. I also, after a LOT of time passed, forgave many. Most (and not all!) aren't horribly selfish, they are like deer in headlights - don't know what to say (I find that I also don't, when people IRL lose people, so I've become less harshly judging of those who don't), or want to be there but don't know how, or see in you their worst nightmare come true. If you're close enough with any of your colleagues to be blunt and extremely candid, maybe tell them what you need? I think it's easier, socially, for women to be able to, to find a social space to, speak freely about "real" stuff. I think in that aspect it can be harder for men, because (as my widower boyfriend says), men are "supposed to" talk about WHAT they're doing, not HOW they're doing. Anyway, many of us here understand what you're going through - take advantage of us. Thinking of you and hoping for betterment in some way.

I got together with my boyfriend and the father of my daughter when he was less than a year out, and not at all ready. It was hard on me. I imagine it was hard on him, but he's not much of a talker. It was very hurtful for me. That being said, we've stuck it out and I'm very glad for that.