Mizpah

It's ok to lean on people and to cash in on the implicit promises of friendship. It is. Some won't be there for you. But some will. You say you're between cities - once you are in a place (or if you know where you're going to be and when, do it now), I HIGHLY recommend regular therapy. It's a place and time that is all for you and your needs in a world that is not, where you don't have to feel self-conscious and apologetic or like you're burdening someone for grieving. It saved me emotionally.

I think most of us know from experience - good or bad - that anything you can do to lessen the potential for this is a great act of kindness and love. You just never know what will become an issue. Sometimes it's the big, expected stuff, and sometimes it's the seemingly minor, random nonsense. Good move in easing her potential burdens. (Your brakes are fine. You're stuck with us and our morbid little club.)

I felt that way too. The stillness and emptiness, the silence. Like Wifeless, I was not interested in music and TV, etc. I'm nearly 6 years out, and I don't remember my exact feeling about it then, but - and this is strange - now, looking back, I actually feel nostalgic for that silence and stillness. I feel like it gave me some kind of quiet in which to truly mourn. As time went on, the hecticness of life (even without him) took over, the busy-ness, that forced me to be less reflective and less able to explore my thoughts and feelings. I'm sure at the time it felt *anything but* comfortable or luxurious, but looking back, I do miss that period of stillness and reflection. How strange.

The isolation is so hard. No one's lives are razed like ours are, and it becomes so clear. I felt abandoned especially by his friends, who I thought would bring me comfort because they too loved him - but they disappeared for the most part, and it hurt - not to have a community of rememberers. I had a lot of anger, especially in the first couple years, toward people, and even ended a few friendships (or they ended them - it's a hard call really. My anger calmed and now I've resumed contact and closeness with some of them - my friends, not his). I did tons of therapy, and I did group therapy, and I sought out widows in any way I could (even meetup.com). My closest people were others I met on the predecessor to this board, who were in the same general timeframe I was - we spoke the same language, and 6 years later, they are some of my closest friends (pocket people). I tried to spend a lot of time with his parents during the early days/year, no matter how much they pissed me off or offended me, because no one was hurting like I was and like they were. I'm so sorry. It's so so hard, there's just no way around that. I hope you find little bits of comfort and solace, and lean on those of us who walk your same path next to, behind, and before you.

A very different experience with it here, but confronting the issue so that's similar. I have a grave site next to DH's, in a Jewish cemetery, where only Jews can be buried (NG isn't Jewish), and it's down on Long Island (NG is a hometown boy who hates the City and its surrounding areas). When I lived in the City, I went out to the grave once a month. Now that I've moved a couple hundred miles away, I haven't gone, not even once. Now I have a daughter with NG, and NG and I are together and plan a future together. (His late fiancee was cremated, and he has a portion of her ashes in our home. I dug up some sand from DH's grave to bring with me when I moved.) The difference here from your situation: NG doesn't care, at all, like not one bit, where I'm buried, or where he's buried, or where anyone's buried (he also has not a twinge of jealousy or insecurity over DH - he's basically not human). (Needless to say, then, NG doesn't have a grave pre-bought, and I *think* he wants to be cremated - I can't see myself being cremated - Jewish, the Holocaust, etc., etc.) But I worry - mostly about my daughter. I don't want her to think I love her father less than DH and want to lie with DH away from her dad and her forever, that I love her less than my old life, don't want to be buried far away in a place unfamiliar to her, related to a life of mine she never knew.... But part of me really does want to be buried there. That place is such a place of peace for me, going there ritualistically helped me heal and I actually looked forward to going there. And DH wanted us to be buried in the same casket, wanted us together forever, and I do believe he was my soulmate even though I don't believe in soulmates. But I'm coming to feel more and more like NG, like it just doesn't matter, but also am thinking of being buried locally where I am now, for my daughter. It doesn't really matter for the ones who are dead - it's for the living, IMHO.

Yes, I remember you. So glad you're in a good, happy spot! Really really happy for you!

More than two years ago, after a particularly ugly incident (one-sided, I didn't engage), we decided it would be best if she were no longer allowed in our house and if I blocked her on my phone and in social media. It's worked really well. There's no new fodder for her to use except her baseless opinions and from whatever little snippets she thinks she knows from trying to pump their kid, if she does, and from what she imagines or speculates. And I don't have that anxiety every time I used to "have to" interact, always trying to dodge her trying to get me to talk $h!t about NG with her, or to try to get me to "open up," knowing she'd use anything I said later and twist it. For a while, I second-guessed the decision, thinking wouldn't it be nice if we could get along and get past it and be close? Wouldn't it be best for their son if we could all "co-parent" with love and good intentions and focused on working together for what's best for him? But slowly came to realize that not everyone is like me and that I was the only one of the two of us (me and her) that wanted that and that any kind of interaction/closeness would just feed the ugly crazy damaging stuff. Long-winded way of saying I think it's smart to avoid and ignore!

Careful what you wish for. This is what's happening right now in my little world, and she's trying to take their son. It's costing us amazing amounts of money in lawyers' fees that we can't afford, and he might lose anyway, and only see his son twice a year. It's horribly upsetting. NO ONE wins in situations like this. Especially not the kid.

My therapist said that we face not only loss, but also trauma. There is lots of overlap, but the two are two. I think we all struggle to smaller or larger extents with post-traumatic stress when we lose our partner. It makes total sense to me that you are obsessing, imagining, focusing. I did too. Our brains are busy processing what occurred in the early days, weeks, months.... It's natural, it's normal, you're not crazy. You are traumatized. The enormity of these events and our losses - it's overwhelming. For me, early on (I'm almost 6 years out now), I kept saying that while I was not in denial, it remained that what had occurred was so unlikely to have occurred (DH was standing on the sidewalk when he was hit by a car/accident that left the roadway) - so unlikely that it could not possibly have happened, though I knew that it had. It's so much to process and to come to comprehend. We all understand and walk your path with you. I wish you comfort and solace.

I'm so sorry. The beginning is so brutally hard, so hard I actually don't recall the first few months, mercifully. I do know what I did to cope though in terms of sleep: I tried to get lots of sunshine during the day and be outside as much as possible (the sun during daytime hours, especially 12-4, is something they tell you to do with newborns to get their internal clocks lined up with day/night cycles). I also tried to get a lot of physical activity - running and working out, or taking long walks - to make my body need sleep, and my body overrode my mind much of the time. And I never slept in, always forced myself to get up and get the day going, knowing if I didn't, I could pay the price at night and it would be torture. For me, it worked. (I also tried to let myself get my thoughts out during the day - whether it be in writing, or with other widows here, or with friends, or in therapy. My mind of course didn't stop because it was nighttime, but at least I didn't have a traffic jam/clogup from the day?) (I also bought new sheets.) Thinking of you and wishing you solace.

I had a child with NG almost 3 years ago. It took me a bit, but I do have things set up - life insurance that will go into a trust for her, a savings account for her benefit that is in that trust (while I'm alive, I oversee it, but if I were to die, it would avoid all the probate stuff and wouldn't be subject to the estate costs/fees), I have a will and a health care proxy, etc. Before I had her, I didn't take care of anything, because it didn't seem to matter - I had nothing and knew all my family knew my end of life wishes. But now I do and it's a small load off my mind.

Exactly

I wasn't a student and I didn't have kids, but in general, this is what I did: therapy (lots), outside time (lots) to get sunshine/vitamin D and to try to decrease the sense of isolation - pretending to still be part of the world when I felt I was not, working out/running/physical activity - endorphins, figured out which of my friends had infinite patience and love and interest in my sadness and loss and thought process/emotional and social needs at that time, writing - I didn't even worry about complete sentences but it helped me to get things out to just jot thoughts and feelings and memories down (kept a small notebook with me at all times for when a memory or feeling overwhelmed me and I thought if I didn't get it out I'd go nuts), I did things in his memory (planted a memorial garden, "bought" a bench from our local park and had a plaque put on it, learned his native language, spent time with his family, read books he loved, even traveled halfway across the world alone to make a pilgrimage to his birthplace, etc.), simplified my life as much as possible from de-cluttering my apartment to taking solace in things as basic as watching the leaves of a tree in the breeze, and of course leaned heavily on the online brothers and sisters who had walked and/or were walking my same path and who spoke my language when no one in my life did.... I would DEFINITELY talk to your school and professors to let them know what's going on with you and to gain support/assistance. It's different, but I returned to work very quickly, and it really helped me to just be straightforward about what my limitations and needs were at that time - people probably DO want to help you, but won't know how unless you are open with them and people are better at doing things when we make it easy for them! - help them help you. The process of archiving photos and securing memories in writing are the kinds of things that were so important to me. Doing it early is really smart, and I believe helps us process this giant, huge, unbearable loss/change. Thinking of you, and wishing you comforts and solace.

And that reality DOES come up. For me, every time NG is late and hasn't warned me ahead of time. In thinking about wills and health proxies, etc. I think we've lost that innocence. Also, for women, statistics seem to indicate that on average, we'll end up outliving our partner. But I think the benefits outweigh the risks, or even the potential certainties....

We just explored this over in a different section. Check it out - http://widda.org/index.php/topic,3070.0.html I put my opinion there, but I will say here that DH and I fit the way you describe - it was just right. I'm in a relationship. I wouldn't say we fit the way DH and I did. It's different. In most ways, it's harder. But I don't love him less. I don't adore him less. I don't think lesser of him or our very different connection (even though our connection isn't as connected, if that makes sense - a lesser connection that isn't lesser). As for that commentator you met for coffee who asked out the holdup.... Uh, yuck! You may not be ready, or you may just be out of practice, or maybe you'd be ready for the right thing that came along, and it hasn't yet. ALL of us, whether we plan or hope to "recouple" or not should learn to be happy on our own first. I was lucky to not find NG until I had gotten to that place, where I enjoyed where I was in life, my decisions and habits and "path," even after losing DH and that was never going to be ok, but *I* was ok nevertheless, even on my own.

It's unfortunate. My boyfriend's kid's mom does things like tell their son that my daughter isn't his "real" sister (they're half siblings). If she's mad at my boyfriend, she will wrench him away at pickup, and refuse to allow him to hug his dad/my boyfriend. She causes scenes at nearly every pickup and dropoff, screaming in our driveway about whatever is making her angry about my boyfriend's existence that given day. Can you imagine living like that? It's not good for ANYONE. Terrible. I don't get it. I get the FEELINGS - the hurt or jealousy or anger or resentment or WHATEVER - but not the chosen expression of those feelings. Yuck. I don't mean this politically, so please no politics, but, "when they go low, we go high."

After DH died, I lost my ambition. Not fully, but... what Portside said here came into focus for me. DH and I had both been working really hard, way too much, to prepare for our life/future together. What a waste! There was nothing to prepare for - our life together was now closed and over. Three years after he died, I had a baby, and, being with a man who has a non-negotiable and extremely demanding work schedule, the bulk of (totality of??) household and childcare duties fell on me by default/necessity. Me! An overeducated career woman with nooooooo inclination toward domesticity and lots of rage over it. The adjustment has been... less than graceful! It's funny because - like you - my work had lost the meaning it had once possessed (in different ways I'm sure, but...), but I still resisted what that meant and how it all shook out and its repercussions. I still resented that his work took precedence over mine. I still do. I'm in a search, or in a crisis - whatever you wish to call it. I need to re-define for myself what matters to me, what brings me joy, what nourishes and sustains me. A lot of the resentment I've felt toward my partner is really anger at myself for my choices, I believe (interestingly, choices I would not make differently now). I just met a couple, and the woman's career has taken the backseat to the man's by household necessity and tenure/relocation dictates, and the changes in her life by virtue of household decisions have been very detrimental to her career. And what was remarkable to me was that she didn't mention him at all. No anger toward him. He seemed irrelevant. It was all search. All about her. Finding something for herself. I find myself very often *waiting*. Waiting for NG to get home, waiting for me to have some solitude or freedom, some respite from duty and responsibility, waiting to feel what I want to feel. I want to stop waiting, and stop second-guessing. I want to see that I have made the choices that have led me here, and see it all non-albatrossy. I want to recalibrate and find new meaning, an approach that allows me to integrate the dumb (and necessary) requirements of my new life with the thing inside me that seeks satisfaction - intellectual, emotional, etc. My entire life since I've been a cognizant being, I've been oriented toward achievement and identity as academics and career. What do we replace that with when it no longer fills us up, or when life takes it away from us to an extent? This change has been painful, but I am hoping that I will end up with a life more... meaningful. Sorry for the babbling. No idea if it's relevant to you.

Found myself coming back to this in my thoughts. And talking a lot with my therapist about our culture's obsession with romantic relationships as the central facet of life. And look, what I had with DH was beyond words. It was everything that songs and books and movies lead us to seek, mostly impossibly, I believe. BUT. Think of the pressure we put on ourselves, on one other person, on circumstances, to sustain a belief in the idea of "The One." Think of it this way - if you happened to have been born in or lived in... Timbuktu... instead of where you were when you met DH/DW... were you destined to "settle" for someone Not-The-One? No. You likely would've found someone wonderful where you were, fallen in love, been close, shared a life, missed him/her horribly if you had been widowed - and life and love would've made that person The One, like our lives and love and circumstances made DH/DW our The One. I think we like to think "no one will ever love you like I do," or "no one could love me like he could," and I think in certain ways it can be true (I do honestly believe no one will ever love me like DH did, but...). But also, I've had four major relationships in my life. None of them have been "lesser" loves. Many people do not have the circumstances that allow them to be with the first person they ever loved for so many reasons. I'm not trying to discount what all of us shared - I mean, DH was truly the most extraordinary person I've met, and was uncannily perfect for me and my preferences and my personality, etc. I do believe, however, and he'd be SO MAD if he knew I thought this - I do believe that there are likely many, many people out there with whom I could share the same level (not the same, but the same LEVEL) of ease, excitement, match-edness. I think if any couple goes through a breakup or a death of one at ANY time in life, it is possible to again find a partner with whom you share something amazing. I think soooooo much of life is circumstantial, and a lot of it is a choice too (a choice to see a different kind of relationship as not lesser). Sorry, it's terribly unromantic. But it's what I think. And I don't think it decreases happiness or love.

I can really relate - I took a huge paycut about three years ago (also, making a giant life decision/move in a decision I was forced to make alone). It's been rough, but I believe it's opened (more lucrative) opportunities that seem about to come to fruition, by expanding/diversifying my "skill set," or whatever we call these things professionally. It sounds like you've thought a lot about this and made the decision for good reasons. Awesome things are scary things at first. I always chant in my head: "Money's just a number." Sometimes it helps me feel better - sometimes it doesn't. Borrow my mantra We're all rooting for you!

Yes, this feeling does get better over time, and I stress "over time." You're going through many changes at once - the hugest one, losing him, but also moving and changing jobs and leaving your home and geographic change, and no longer being in the place where you have memories and shared a life. It's a huge, huge change. My advice if you are able to make it happen: therapy. Having a time and place where you can just pour it all out and sort through the debris of what was your life and feel everything and indulge all your thoughts, tell the stories, despair, find hope, etc., etc. - it's invaluable. And lean on fellow widow(er)s - we understand and speak the same language. We feel or have felt everything you are feeling. In some areas, you can find meetup groups for young widows. Unfortunately, the isolation and loneliness is part of the grief. I hope you have/find a person or two who will allow you to feel comfortable talking as much as you need to. We're here on the same path next to you, ahead of you, behind you. Wishing you comfort and solace.

Words have meaning, but legal truth and reality truth/life truth/emotional truth are not always the same thing. For example, religious people can be married by a religious leader, and still not be legally married, and consider themselves husband and wife, and under the law/contracts of their religion, they are married, though legally they may not be. I will share my situation/story in the hopes it gives you some comfort. DH and I were not legally married. We were legally domestic partners. Within the first month together, though, he started calling me his wife. Within a couple months, we'd exchanged "wedding" bands, and I changed my name legally. Everyone called us husband and wife. We called each other husband and wife, for years. We always planned to "make it official," but it made no difference in our lives. It did make quite a difference in death, though. I continue to call him my husband. Though not technically correct, it's what we called each other in life, and I will NOT demote him in death. Also, convenience. I don't want to explain to every random person who somehow comes to know part of my story all that I just outlined above. It means more to me than to them, and I don't consider it a lie, though it's technically untrue to say "widow." It's kinda like this to me: I don't eat meat. I haven't since I was 12. For no real reason, I just don't. I do, however, eat fish now, but no shellfish. When I'm talking to acquaintances who, for example, I happen to be having lunch with, it's expedient to simply say I'm a vegetarian. Why on earth do I need to explain all the little aspects of my eating habits? It's technically a lie, but who cares? One of my widow friends, in the early days, told me a story about how her sister kept (cruelly) bringing up over and over how she wasn't a widow because they were only engaged and not married. I had a few choice words which I will not repeat here. YOU know you aren't *legally* a widow - why must she point it out? It's easier to say widow than to say I lost my fiance every time you need to explain it. And emotionally, inside yourself, which - let's face it - is where we live: it's true. F everyone who wants to hold you to technicalities (like, really - you just lost your future and your person - who gives a shit about legal status?!). And yeah, words mean specific things, but we don't have a word for this, and widow is the closest one. Only @$$holes will call you on it (sorry for name-calling your mom, I'm sure she's wonderful). {Edited to add: When a person asks me how long we were married, then I divulge the whole technical truth, and explain why I use the word widow.}

I took my wedding band off the day after the first of his birthdays he wasn't here for. He died in April, and his birthday was in February (so about 10 months). I looked down that morning before I got in the shower, and thought: "This looks so right. I don't ever want to take it off." And then I took it off. I wear it every year for one or two days - his birthday and our anniversary. I dated someone at 14 months, but it was someone I knew I didn't have feelings for, and he was going to be going far away within 6 months - so it was safe. I "fell in love" again a little after two years.

My boyfriend has a child with a crazy ex. She presents an extra layer of complication, though, as she's not merely "crazy," but also highly malicious, vindictive, manipulative, and dedicated to efforts at hurting others emotionally, socially and legally (mostly my boyfriend and anyone associated with him) at any cost to anyone, including to their child at times. A bit more than two years ago, I completely cut off contact with her and she's not allowed in our home (not even at pickup and dropoff) and I've blocked her number and FB. (She used to issue death threats against my boyfriend's late fiancee, but she hasn't against me (yet).) It's far too late for me and her (and always was going to be eventually really - the only thing she ever wanted to talk to me about, from the beginning, was how awful he is (though she tried to get back with him when his fiancee died, so...)). My advice: be pleasant and yet distant, and fade into the background as much as possible when things involve her, keeping him responsible for the (co-parenting) relationship. Don't react if things get heated. Don't let her or anything about her come between you two; take nothing she says or does to heart. If I could do it over (and mind you I don't think I could have prevented her exploding the potential for a relationship between me and her, just by virtue of her personality/choices) but if I could do it over, I would make it very clear very early on that my focus with her should be only on pleasantries and (if you and NG get to this level), co-parenting issues like bedtimes, approaches to discipline/teaching, favorite foods, school stuff, and that's all. Good luck! [Edited to add: new territory for me too and wow, what a shock to me, the way some people behave! I thought this was merely the stuff of Jerry Springer!]

I slept in his T-shirt every night until I moved in with my boyfriend. The T-shirt he left at my apartment after the first night we spent together "to make sure you'd have to see me again." Every night. I also wore his cologne to bed, a spritz each night. And wore a locket with his photo in it every day. I forced myself to give it all up when I moved in, as a show of respect and love to my boyfriend. It wasn't as hard as I'd thought it would be. But I had a very clear, concrete reason to do it, and a "replacement" (sharing a bed with a person, instead of cologne and a T-shirt). I wouldn't worry over it. It gives you comfort and harms no one, and it's not like it's a giant neon teddy bear or something

WHAT???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No no no no no no