Bunny

Oh, tybec! I am so sorry you are going through this. Ending a relationship is no fun, even when we know we are making the right decision. You have been lonely for quite some time, I think you’ll find any loneliness you experience while single to be much less painful without those attending feelings of neglect and resentment. I know this is a Huge Thing for you, but you know you gave it all the chances you could until you just couldn’t anymore. Words are easy but actions take effort and he has shown you time and again you are not his priority, despite the words. Sending you healing thoughts ❤️ You got this, girl.

And here I am. A bit of an emotional hangover today (which might be related to all the wine I drank). I visited his grave- which I rarely do because it’s in a different city and I don’t ever feel him there anyway- cleaned up his marker, planted some flowers. Had lunch with my bf and an old friend of mine and my husband. A widow friend called to acknowledge the day and also to tell me her daughter was in labor and would probably deliver that day- guess I’ll never forget that grandbaby’s birthday! Circle of life, indeed.

So you all are saying gay men, even when they had to live in the closet due to extreme prejudice, still got to have a nicer sounding name than a woman who lives without a man? Who says we live in a patriarchal society 😂?

It is amusing how a self-sufficient woman can make people uncomfortable. Even the words used to describe the never married: confirmed bachelor vs. spinster or old maid -they evoke very different images for the same thing. At least widow/widower is more neutral. Perhaps you need to remind your friends that “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle” 😄

@laurie27 I don’t have kids so I did completely skip over the holidays that first year, but I am very comfortable with solitude. I know some wids choose to go on a vacation to completely remove themselves, or keep busy by volunteering during the holidays. For now, just concentrate on your healing, no need to decide just yet ♥️ For me, it took about two years before I could successfully bake again. We just need to be patient with ourselves and keep our expectations of self loving and reasonable.

Serpico- I love that you did this to show your future wife you were ‘all in’- very appropriate. But OP is only a few months widowed, still deeply grieving, and this command came from her therapist- very inappropriate.

Yeah, it seems so ‘fun’ to have things close together (my birthday is two days after wedding anniversary) until it’s not so much. You got a lot of landmines close together there, tybec- yikes! I’m grateful it’s gotten much easier to navigate these dates, I just get frustrated that it can make me feel... off-balance. Whether I pay attention or ignore it, it’s like a yappy dog tugging at my skirt!

My wedding anniversary was May 17th. I spent it at a wedding rehearsal dinner for bf’s relative and it was fine, I was fine, mostly. The anniversary of his death is June 11th. So... three and a half weeks between the day celebrating the beginning of our marriage and the day marking its end. Yes, it’s easier now. But still, the in-between time of those two dates I catch myself feeling a little extra about everything. And I just... I’m ready for it to be June 12th already. thanks for ‘listening’.

It will be seven years very soon. Over that time, I have been donating or gifting his clothes as I am ready to say goodbye to them. It doesn’t feel like a drawn-out process, just life happening along. Today I am making rags out of some old t-shirts of his, because I am ready to breathe some new life into them.

I am horrified by this. I agree, get a lawyer pronto and document as much as you can. And, if you don’t have one already, a therapist to help you deal with this beyond stressful situation. My problem was MUCH milder than this and no children were involved so I was able to cut the person out of my life fairly easily. I’m sorry you are going through this, death does make some people lose their shit in the worst ways.

I really loved his answer- simple, eloquent, on-point. they’ve both suffered profound losses in their lives and I think it shows.

...you learn how to live with your grief. In the beginning it is...everything, it is in every single breath- so it feels absolutely unbearable, unbelievable that we can endure this kind of intense pain for much longer. Some get through it by keeping busy, some prefer to sit with the grief- neither way is wrong. At different times, I have done both. I admit, seven years later, I don’t care about holidays the way I used to, but I have made peace with that and simply celebrate them differently now. One of my favorite things to do is to bake, the more complicated the recipe the better, it is my form of meditation. I could not bake successfully for about...two years? every time I tried it was all tears of frustration and wanting it to be over with already. Now I can bake a cake that takes 24 hours to make, requires a long list of obscure ingredients, and love every minute. I am so very grateful to have this back in my life. It just takes time to adjust to this new life we’ve been given, to this new person we have become. I’m still working on being able to read a book to completion, but it’s getting better! Be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself, be firm with your boundaries, and know that you can do this, it’s just going to take longer than you want it to.

For me- If he is actually able to completely forsake all his family obligations in order to be ‘all in’ with sugarbell I would seriously walk away from him- and quickly! We are all adults with complicated pasts/presents and expecting someone to pretend they’re strings-free 20 yr olds again is not realistic or even fair. I’m not understanding why people need to be married and living together in order for a relationship to be considered successful and working. I do understand that some people require this and I support their need for it and walking away from relationships that are not emotionally fulfilling, but it’s not for everyone and, in my eyes, that is also perfectly fine. What i I need in a relationship now is not what I needed when I got married 22 years ago. I mean, as long as the pros out-weigh the cons...

It’s been almost 7 years since I was widowed, and I’ve noticed my irrational thoughts/fears have quieted down to more manageable levels. But, in the beginning of my relationship with my bf, I had quite a few moments of driving myself to a quiet madness with various flights of fancy about the many potential reasons of why I had not heard from him when I was supposed to. I’d never been like this before so I know it was a reaction stemming from unresolved widow stuff. It was really intense even as I knew it was (probably) not true and would try to talk some sense to myself in order to feel calm and in control. I did express some of this to my boyfriend. I let him know, very clearly, that this was my issue. I owned it completely because the poor man had done nothing wrong, it would have been unfair to be angry at him and pick an actual fight over the stuff going on in my brain. But, at the same time, I did want to give him a window into my world. For us, it helped him to understand me better and to be better about staying in touch and when- for whatever reason he is unable to because life happens- he is very sweet and apologetic, even as he knows it’s not his fault, he’s just sorry about knowing I got worried. Although, I do recall in the very beginning that it was a lot to take in, a lot for him to process and decide whether this was something he could take on. When we make ourselves vulnerable to another person it is an act of trust, a show of faith in them that they can know all (well, most) of us and accept us- and vice versa.

This made me smile- it’s sweet when people who love us want to try and find a way to connect/share with us in a meaningful way about something they know they can’t understand.

Love2fish- I had an older gentleman start to flirt with me at the grocery store last week. From behind, I have very long fabulous grey hair. When I turned around and he saw my face he looked shocked and blurted out- ‘oh, too young!’ We laughed and I said it can be a bit confusing to figure out ages when so many ladies dye their hair, but some ‘youngsters’ like me (I’m 55) are going natural.

trying2breathe - one of my friends couldn’t get a good night’s sleep due to her husband’s snoring/breathing skips and she finally insisted he go see a sleep specialist. After spending the night in a sleep study, they gave him a device that helps with his breathing while sleeping and he says he wakes up sooo much more rested now. And no more snoring!

I’m all for showing constructive support and hoping for the best, despite the less than perfect circumstances- because every child who comes into this world deserves to have as much positive influences and love as posible. HOWEVER- attending that three-ring-circus-sounding birth sounds like an absolute nightmare. I can’t imagine dealing with that with any sort of grace. You have got all the time in the world, after the baby is born, to be a positive, loving girlfriend to the proud new grandpa. Some of my favorite people in this world were ‘accidents’, so here’s hoping...

It could be that he is just a wee bit overly sensitive about this ‘measuring up’ business so hears things in an amplified manner, so to speak. It’s a losing battle to compare oneself to a dead person they will never ever meet. It’s apples and oranges, honestly. And that part is not on you- that’s something he has to come to terms with on his own. I also try to temper my words, and have no problem with subtle reassurances if I sense any insecurities, because it must be pretty weird sometimes to be in a relationship with us widowed folk. I rarely have time for podcasts anymore, but there really are soooo many good ones out there! And they definitely were a sanity saver the first couple years. I liked this ted talk and the few times I’ve listened to her podcast I enjoyed it.

1. Helen came here and gave us a wonderful update on her Life Journey. Wow, indeed! 2. I will be celebrating my own birthday, this month, by the sea. I grew up always near an ocean and am now quite land-locked so I’m really looking forward to it. 3. Each year I understand more fully the gifts that grief has bestowed upon me. I am thinking of that quote by Cynthia Occelli; ‘For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, it’s insides come out, and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.’

I think any kind of feeling good is so tempting after/while experiencing the worst pain in our lives. We long to escape and that is natural. But we are also extremely vulnerable to our emotions- it seems either the widowed person gets quickly attached OR the other person has feelings and widowed person is still in love with the dead partner and can’t reciprocate. Our feelings in the first couple years can be ALL over the map. Sex complicates friendships. It just does.

Thank you for reminding me of something, tybec- for the first couple of years, my phone would start playing music, one or all of the songs I downloaded after he died that reminded me of him. It was my first smart phone so I thought maybe this was just something they all did randomly. I even asked people if their phones did it also. It hasn’t happened in years.

Just saying ‘I’m single’ feels kinda false to me. And, when someone asked me the other day if I had ever been married, it felt incomplete to simply say yes. Besides, there’s bound to be follow-up questions anyway. I’d rather get ahead of it and get it out of the way matter-of-factly. Sometimes I do feel discomfort in the other person and I try to propel the conversation forward quickly. But, many times, I’ve found my status opens something up for the other person- a chance to talk about their own dead person that they love and like having a place to talk about. But it is an awkward word to say, especially when younger- because it’s so unexpected and shocking. I’m thinking of people I know who’ve lost children and imagine their own mental gymnastics when people ask if they have any children. It’s complicated. But we want to answer truthfully, because it is such a huge part of who we are now and it’s nothing to be ashamed about. The other day, I was filling out a form and was stopped by the question of marital status- was I a widow or was I in a committed relationship? I’m both, and I didn’t like having to choose only one.