Bunny

Wow. To me, that sounds like an awesome interactive art installation of some sort. Like- a time capsule of what the average person’s life was like during all those well-documented years...couldn’t you offer the collection to the Smithsonian or something...or would that feel too invasive? I’m just so impressed by her diligence.

Gee, what a “shocker” that someone who wants for nothing (it’s his choice to do without not actual need) is resentful of the pittance you are receiving from the government. That would be like me being pissed I never had kids but pay taxes towards public schools. Something I have never felt because I actually understand what it means to be a member of society, that none of us stands completely alone, we are ALL inter-connected and should ALL be concerned for our fellow man because it benefits us in so many ways both hidden and obvious. That kind of myopic vision always astounds me. It shows a lack of logical thinking - and no ability whatever to have sympathy or empathy for another’s predicament. And to whine that his mother is spending HER money before he can inherit it, even though he did NOTHING to deserve it is hilarious to me. The man has no sense of the absurd at all. As for our country’s social welfare programs / SS- they are such a tiny drop in the bucket, even with all the ‘abuses’ going on, compared to the rest of the country’s budget. And even though as a childless widow I get nothing, I don’t resent those with children, though I too lost the family breadwinner when my husband died. Because, again, what is so terribly immoral and horrible about making sure everyone is being taken care of? Even when they don’t ‘deserve’ it. Okay. jumping off my soapbox now. As usual, what he thinks about you has nothing to do with you whatsoever and everything to do with his own issues. Decide, as best you can, not to take it personally, because it’s really not. But it sure sounds super annoying!

Loved this. Here are my three favorite parts, for those tl:dr types- She grabbed my hands and met my eyes. “It will be hard,” she said. “It will be long. It will be painful. But you have to keep talking.” That was the first advice I received as a widower. It remains the best. ...a friend who had lost his own husband only a month earlier dropped off a jewelry box at my apartment. It contained a silver chain. “You can put Peter’s ring on it and wear it around your neck, but only if you want,” he told me. I have worn it ever since. Time doesn’t necessarily dull grief’s anguish, but it does provide the tools and the space for its control.....A few weeks later, I found a receipt from Brooks Brothers festooned with his exuberant signature, tucked into a book. I felt an urgent need to protect the crinkled slip as if it were an heirloom. His closet—his shoes, his suits, his shirts—remains an untouchable shrine. But, with time, control comes. It sounds crazy, but I applauded myself after I decided that it was O.K. to take an empty bottle of shampoo—the last one we shared—to the recycling bin.

1. I’ve gotten to the point in my widowhood where I notice i’m replacing the little self-harm things I did with little self-helping things instead. 2. I miss my dog, but I feel at peace with his death. 3. I really like the grey streaks in my long hair- kinda look like some kinda 70s frost style. Blue conditioner is amazing stuff.

So. At the beginning of this year, I chose 10 very simple things to do daily that would (hopefully) be helpful for me mentally/emotionally/physically. One of those things was to hug my bf for one whole minute. Every single day. A really good full body hug. I can’t tell you what a positive impact that has had on us, both individually and as a couple. Wow. Did a little reading and came across this article: https://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2014/02/06/hugging.aspx So then I started wondering about adding kissing to my list, and found this: https://fiercemarriage.com/15-second-kiss-experiment Guess I’m doing 11 things a day now. I can’t stress enough how much I want everyone reading this to find someone they can hug for 1 minute daily- their SO, child, pet, friend...Yeah, it feels a little awkward and silly the first few times, but after a while it feels necessary, like your day isn’t complete without it. It’s so simple and so very awesome.

I’ve gotten variations on that from relatives, friends, and acquaintances. At one time I actually tried to explain why that kind of thinking was inaccurate but then discovered each time the person never wanted to hear it. Ever. So I’d ended up frustrated, hurt, or feeling invisible to that person. Yeah, it still annoys the shit out of me but I just kinda let the comments sit there by themselves and don’t bother engaging in it anymore beyond the bare minimum. Hmmm...I guess one could always try to figure out a go-to response to use, like; ‘here’s hoping you never hafta find out how wrong you are!’ then give a big smile and talk about the weather. Yeah, there are people who I know truly love me that I give a pass to, but I do take note that they are NOT who to turn to when I’m feeling the need for a bit of tea and sympathy...

My husband died of cancer and I hate the 20 questions many people feel compelled to ask. And, unless I nip it in the bud, they will just keep pressing on in a seeming attempt to figure out how it was his fault he got the cancer and then managed to died from it - and reassure themselves it can’t possibly happen to them or one of their loved ones. Dear Abby’s response to a rude question is to return it with the question- ‘why do you ask?’ But sometimes they will continue to plow ahead anyway. The best way I’ve found to shut things down is to firmly state that the subject is very painful for me to talk about- sometimes I’ll even say this when I find myself right in the middle of politely trying to answer a question I don’t want to. Then I either stare at them in complete silence- even if they continue pressing, or I change the subject to something simple like the weather or their pretty scarf, or ask them to please change the subject and talk about something else. Even though it feels very personal, these questions really do have nothing to do with you or your spouse, and everything to do with the person asking them and their own issues. Perhaps trying to keep that fact in mind will help to remove some of the sting their questions bring to you.

I really love this show. Yes, there are some very tough, very real moments, but it’s just such a beautifully done show (that touches on other important stuff besides grief); so I soldier through those harder bits. Sometimes watching stuff like this can give me a really good cry that I didn’t even know I needed and can release the built-up pressure inside- free therapy! Generally speaking- I had NO IDEA just how prevalent young widowhood was in movies and TV shows until it happened to me. It’s kind of turned into a joke now with me and my bf- when one shows up in whatever we’re watching; ‘yup, there they are!’ Sorry it hit you so hard, the lead-up to the birthday anniversary is always a hard one for me.

When I first realized that my grief (in many ways but certainly not all) made me into a better person, I was kinda angry. It seemed such a very mean way to obtain growth. I resented it, but could never deny its truth once discovered. I am still very much a work in progress, of course, and each year I feel I become more open to the lessons Life and Grief continue to teach me. I remember the first time I read that poem, either here or on the ywbb board I’m not sure; it struck such a very deep chord in me, I’m glad it has for you also. One of the gifts of grief, for me, has been a return to reading / appreciating poetry.

Will keep you close in my thoughts. That is a tough one, especially given the timing, but I’m hoping you and your daughter find some healing moments, maybe even slices of joy. I briefly attended the car show my husband began (and I helped him with) mere months after his death and it totally SUCKED. He was absolutely adored and I was crazy with grief, incapable of enjoying any of it. I walked away from it all, never wanting to participate or attend again. Five years later I had a booth at the show to sell a huge collection of stuff I no longer had any use for, that were now a burden. It was definitely a challenge while setting up, but the protective numbness kinda set in which made it easier to deal. It was good seeing old friends/acquaintances, it was weird and relieving to be unknown now to so many. My boyfriend was there helping out- felt super awkward for me at times, but what could I do but roll with it? I survived and so will you.

I haven’t listened yet, but your thread title kinda reminds me of a Mary Oliver poem. And, since you really liked the last one I shared, I will share this one also: The Uses of Sorrow (in my sleep I dreamed this poem) Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.

I buried him wrapped in his blanket, a stuffed animal, his collar, favorite treat, and this section from the poem ‘In Blackwater Woods’ by Mary Oliver: Every year everything I have ever learned in my lifetime leads back to this: the fires and the black river of loss whose other side is salvation, whose meaning none of us will ever know. To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.

Im sorry to hear it’s been more painful than expected. My grief no longer seems to have rhyme or reason about it as to what will brings tears and what makes me smile. I will say this though- I do bounce back from things faster now. Big Hugs. And congrats on taking such courageous big steps!

I haven’t posted on here much lately, but our dog died this last week and I felt like writing about it. He was almost 16, and -although he wasn’t in any discernible pain- his body and mind were winding down faster and faster, so I made the decision to have him die. It’s a strange thing to have that kind of power- to be able to give him a much more peaceful pain-free death than my husband had. He slept through most of the vet visit, briefly showing displeasure when they put in the port, but mostly just napping peacefully; cradled by his mama who whispered sweet nothings into his mostly deaf ears...breathing in his smell as much as I could. I have a tendency to feel guilty about anyone (animal/human) close to me dying, like it’s all or partly my fault for one reason or another. This is the first time that hasn’t happened. This is also the first time the death has not been painful and/or violent. It’s certainly made me even more favorable to assisted suicide for people who desire it due to terminal diagnoses. People have asked me if it’s brought up extra grief with my husband, and it really hasn’t. If there is - as I suspect- another dimension of existence out there somewhere, (church of quantum physics and all that) then they are now together. My dog visited me in my sleep the next morning- I felt his nose on the backs of my legs going up the stairs and saw his now-spry little body dart into the bathroom. I knew he was dead, but I did not realize I was asleep, so opening my eyes was a rather painful realization. For those of you who are also in the middle of trying to make this tough decision: this is your sign, make that appointment. One of the most helpful things I read on-line said to think of your animal’s 5 favorite activities. When 3 of those are gone, it’s time to give euthanasia some serious thought. My dog was down to one- he absolutely loved eating- to the very end. Good-bye, my sweet puppy. You are mama’s world record for longest time spent with a pet. We were together the same length of time as my marriage: 15 years and one month.

Yes, Travel agents are cheaper than you think and will do all the grunt work for you, if that is stressing you out. If you have AAA it is part of their services.

I love Christmas music. I have a collection of old Christmas albums, tune my car radio to the Christmas station every December, and have very fond memories of going caroling with my youth group in high school. My husband- not so much. See, he was born cool (seriously, like, with a capital C) and that was just a bit too square/cheesy for him to deal with. I had to listen to this stuff when he was not around or be ready to deal with his grumblings of displeasure; though he would occasionally tolerate my cassette tape of Elvis's Blue Christmas. Fast forward to today. My bf borrowed my car and when he came back he was super excited and happy to be greeted with Christmas music when he started up the vehicle. Ha! Take THAT, Papa!

Found some very helpful suggestions in this article, thought I'd pass it along here: http://www3.forbes.com/leadership/how-successful-people-handle-toxic-people/?utm_campaign=How-Successful-People-Handle-Toxic-People&utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=referral

I don't know if someone has ever posted this essay here, I first read it on the ywbb. And, even though it's about raising special needs children, it does in fact relate quite a bit to the experience of widowhood. WELCOME TO HOLLAND by Emily Perl Kingsley. c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...... When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Me too, donswife! It's nice...

Thankful for my parents.

Got to spend yesterday with one of my oldest friends, in town for the holiday. We had so much FUN!

I still say MIL and (step)FIL, but also- my late husband's grandma/relative for the others. Only one person has seemed overly confused by this- bf's SIL. She's divorced with zero interest in contact with her former in-laws so found it weird I still talk to some of mine. For me, the one thing I had to learn after getting into a relationship was to switch from saying my husband to my late husband. Only took a couple times of using husband and boyfriend in the same sentence then some very confused looks on the other person's face! It all felt Very Awkward at first, but now I guess I don't really think about it. The New Normal.

My wood burning stove makes my home toasty warm and keeps the heating bills down.

Thank you serpico and tybec, and also to all who simply 'listened' to my thoughts- you silent readers mean a lot to me also. Of course, today feels much lighter, calmer. A friend came over last night and bf lit us a bonfire to enjoy with our adult beverages. I'm so lucky to have her, to be able to talk so freely about my husband (her friend) and my boyfriend, and all the complicated feelings that can occur. She has been so very good to me. I was thinking about my soul dog yesterday, about when he died and how painful it was to think of him and how frustrated I was that I couldn't talk or think about him past a certain point because it was just too excruciating. It took me about five years to be able to think about him fully again, to be able to bask in all the memories whole-heartedly. I guess that's what I'm hoping for, some day, with my husband- to be able to talk about and think about him with my heart wide open and have it not destroy me. (And yes, I did just compare a dog's death to a spouse's death )

Just read this and thought some of you might appreciate her perspective on the whole on-line dating frustration: http://bust.com/sex/193430-on-dating-and-male-entitlement.html