Bunny

I get it. As much as I can, because each of our grief situations is unique. When my husband died, I suddenly lived alone since I don’t have children, and I think not having kids to take care of can lead one into some risky behaviors. I spend quite a while pretty much on my front porch smoking and drinking. I tried his leftover cancer pot for a while, but it wasn’t my cup of tea. I took my doctor prescribed lorazepam when things felt particularly unbearable, but didn’t really like the way it made me feel. Were these positive, pro-active, helpful choices? Probably not, and I do feel bad I couldn’t have been the widow who took up meditating and exercising instead, but I’m trying to let that guilt go. At that time, I lived by this quote from Friedrich Nietzsche: “The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it gets one through many a dark night.” Widowhood gave me an even deeper understanding of that quote. I needed to know I controlled at least one damn thing in my life. I - me!- I controlled the decision to stay here. No one else. And every painful fucking day I made the decision to stay here, choosing different reasons all the time, as needed. I struggled and clawed my way through the pile of shit fate handed me. And I broke A LOT of things, because it felt really good to destroy things. Too late, I saw the recommendation of throwing ice against a wall/tree outside- clean up would have been so much easier. And I probably should have bought that punching bag... Heres the thing- the minute your mate dies you are thrust into this parallel universe where absolutely nothing makes sense anymore, where everything seems to have lost their meanings. All the color has drained away and you’re left wandering around among people who have no idea you are on a different plane because it all looks the same to them. They simply can’t comprehend the complete shift of your existence, which makes it even more difficult and frustrating. But, slowly, you figure out how to navigate this new existence. You start forcing yourself to do positive things, like plant some stupid flowers, because some day in the future you are going to actually be happy when you see them shoot up in the Spring. And you accept that friend’s offer to go out somewhere and socialize even though you have Zero Desire because it’s your ‘widow homework’, because you are trying so very hard to learn how to survive this new existence. And, slowly, to eventually even thrive in it. For some people this happens in a matter of weeks, some take months, others take years. For me, now, 6 1/2 years later, I do meditate and exercise- or at least I give it some serious effort now! And I do have actual, real moments of profound happiness. Time helps to soften those hard edges. Hang on, have faith things will improve- no matter how ludicrous that may seem in this present moment. Peace.

I don’t want to start a new topic so I’m putting this here. Well. This has been a big ol’ month for me. I finally sold my husband’s truck- a custom ‘65 Ford, so bit of a niche audience. I thought for a while I’d keep it, but it’s too hard for me to drive and needs work. It was just sitting there. I’ve had a few offers over the years, but I didn’t want any of them owning his truck, or maybe I wasn’t ready, who knows? But I’m happy with who it went to, felt like Fate. I sat in that truck the morning my husband died. It was day 5 of his coma and someone told me sometimes a loved one can’t die if you’re right there. So I let go of his hand and told him I was leaving so he could die away from me if he needed that. Then I went outside and sat in his truck for who knows how long. When I came back he was still breathing, so I said ‘okay’ and held his hand until he died a short time later. Also, for the first time, I talked to my bf about the last few days of my husband’s life and about his death. It was not a calm beautiful experience like in the movies, so I’ve learned to step around that time. I spent my first 6 months of grief engulfed in those memories so I don’t feel bad avoiding them now. I didn’t even cry when I told him.

Here is the story she told at The Moth that led me to her music : https://themoth.org/stories/seven-shades-of-blue

Written by a singer songwriter about her late husband, who died of cancer.

I guess I’m not understanding why you need to break up with someone you are having a perfectly lovely time with, someone you are actually quite fond of. You have no idea what the future holds, right? Who says you have to be ‘in love’ with someone right away? Whose to say you won’t ‘fall in love’ over time? And, also, why isn’t simply loving someone enough to be in a long-term successful relationship? And so what if it’s not forever? Forever does NOT always equal success. And a relationship ending does not always equal failure. All important lessons to show children. I do get where you’re coming from here, because I can be an over-thinker myself. But I believe you hit the nail on the head when you brought up your lack of communication skills, and how you pretty much allowed your husband to steer the boat, because you trusted his vision. Now it is all on you. You’re in charge of your very own boat and now you also have to learn how to Use Your Words- which can be scary as hell because it can feel vulnerable and foolish and....do it anyway. I have been more open in this relationship that I ever have before, and sometimes it’s required writing him a letter, sometimes throwing back a few drinks to calm my nerves enough to get the words out. I’m not saying it’s all peace, love, and understanding here, but it feels....authentic. And freeing. And the way I love him is very different from the way I loved my husband- whether that’s widowhood or age I don’t know, but I’m okay with it. Its just growing pains. It will be okay. I’d say trust your inner voice, but she sounds a little overwhelmed so maybe just try to quiet her down with a little chocolate and meditation and practice letting yourself just enjoy the Now. There is nothing wrong with enjoying being happy- I think that is another great thing to model for your children. Big Hugs.

I do not venture much into earlier time frames, but I did notice recently that this section has been very quiet and it worried me because this was probably the most difficult period for me. It was an agony unlike the first 6 months, which I assumed couldn’t get any worse- boy, was I wrong about that! The shock had indeed worn off and my pain had sunk deep down into my bones and overwhelmed me to the point I could not imagine ever healing at all. I think it was during this time I discovered zoning out binge-watching TV shows on Netflix - ones that had lots and lots of episodes. So, if any of you are feeling this way, just hang on and do the best you can- without self-judgement. Each of our paths is unique, and we are all just doing the very best that we can with this horrible, unbelievable, shitty thing called widowhood. It does become much more manageable with time. Peace.

Thats funny, I still can shut down and dream about running away the second a button feels pushed the wrong way. I ignore it best I can, until the impulse fades. I remember telling myself in the first year of seeing him ‘Well, I guess I’m doing this now’. It felt... fatalistic? I love the hell out of him- in a detached widow kinda way.

The other day I was thinking about some old friends of my husband’s who are barely, or no longer, in my life. Friends who truly love me and I them. It made me sad, and a bit hurt, that they were fading from my life, until I realized something; my husband and I basically had three core things in common: our favorite food was Mexican, we both loved to read, and we were totally obsessed with each other. So now that he was gone, the one thing I had in common with these people, of course they are disappearing. I mean, I’ve told people we were an ‘opposites attract’ kinda couple, but I don’t think I acknowledged, until recently, just how profoundly different we truly were. Perhaps now being with someone so similar to myself hammers that point home even more clearly. Honestly, it’s easier now. There is not so much need for us to accomodate the differences in order to keep the peace, and much less fighting due to those differences. My husband and I did those things because of love/chemistry/ whatever you call it when Fate overrides practicality. We were deeply happy about 85% of the time, and absolutely miserable the other 15%. I’m glad, and relieved, I’ve gotten over almost all of my anger at him, because fighting with a dead man can be quite frustrating at times. I’m at the point in my grief where I try to keep it shoved way down, instead of examining every tiny nuance. I’m hoping to eventually end up somewhere in between those two. Man, life is truly fuckin’ weird.

Thinking of you ❤️ My dh’s B-day still leaves me out of sorts. I was so happy his dad called this year because otherwise it’s pretty much a non-event for the rest of the world. I get it, it’s just sad to watch him disappearing more each year.

I’ve been thinking about this thread lately, and Silverfish- your words speak to me so perfectly right now. I’ve been widowed 6 1/2 years and my bf’s dad just became widowed around Thanksgiving. He had been a caregiver for a decade, to a wife he slowly lost to Alzheimer’s. I definitely see that he experienced a lot of anticipatory grief and though he is certainly grieving, it seems a much different experience than my own. I try to be there for him, but not really sure how even though I feel, as a widow, I should ‘know’. I’m so sorry, Silverfish. My heart aches for you and your children. One of my childhood friends lost her husband while both her kids were under age 2. Her children are now becoming teenagers and they are amazing compassionate lovely people. It’s not the life she planned for them, but they are a happy family none-the-less. Caregiving can sometimes have an added layer of guilt to work through, I think. I certainly went through a period of remembering/fixating on my less than perfect caretaker skills. I’m totally at peace with that now. We all did the best we could.

I do get the compulsion to sometimes shake someone and say ‘don’t put up with this anymore!’ but at the same time life is messy and complicated and we are the kind of people who are used to working on our relationships unto death, yes? And, really, are we all just supposed to put ‘childless or widowed only’ on our dating resumes? That just seems mean. Though, it would be nice if divorced people didn’t start dating until they had their divorce/custody issues all hammered out. It’s kinda like a widowed person dating before they’ve grieved properly, because in both cases a person can’t quite devote themselves to the new relationships as much as they should, their energy is still too much with the former partner. I’ve watched my divorced friends struggle with exes who refuse to put the child’s interests first, exes who treat button pushing as a beloved pastime. Of course it’s best not to engage such behavior, but sometimes that feels impossible. I’ve watched these friends sabotage their own happiness without even realizing it- which is exactly the point the ex is going for. All one can do is support them and help work on the solutions without becoming part of the issue- set and keep boundaries for ourselves. I’ve found my life gets easier when I stop trying to force things to be the way I want them. When I can take a step back and look at things without expectations and examine my part in the issue I can then move forward in a more clear-eyed way. Unfortunately, this usually doesn’t happen until I’m at my wit’s end. Also, something I’ve noticed about human nature- everyone thinks nobody can parent or load a dishwasher as well as they can.

When I first started hanging out with bf, at 18 months, I was still grieving quite a bit, still wearing my rings, and I do recall saying something to him about never allowing anyone that much power to hurt me ever again. The thought of going through that much intense pain a second time truly did terrify me. We’d known each other in college, so he was kind of familiar to me, and I was brutally honest with him because I didn’t particularly want a boyfriend so what did I have to lose? And yet, here I am, pretty much 5 years since that conversation, totally committed to the man. Was it easy? Nope. Sometimes it was downright messy and teary- and he was very good at dealing with it. I imagine it takes a special kind of person to date the widowed, someone who is self-confident enough in their own self-worth to deal with the special problems it can sometimes entail. Especially with those of us who ruminate way too damn much. I do recall saying to him more than once that first couple years, with a shrug of my shoulders- you’re just gonna die on me anyway. It became a bit of a joke between us. I guess, for me, in the beginning it came down to becoming kinda addicted to the happiness he brought to me. After so much pain, it felt like the best drug on earth. And it turned out I wanted it more than I wanted to protect my bruised and battered heart. I just took it day by day- probably the slowest I’ve ever taken a relationship. I mean, I probably could have gone even slower, but after a couple years he started to push a bit harder- and I let him. Because, honesty, this is the easiest relationship I’ve ever had. He's been having some health issues and I can’t lie- it can fill me with anxiety when I let it. But all I can do is the same thing I did when my husband was diagnosed with cancer- live in denial and in love until something happens to show me otherwise. Because the truth is, I have given him that power, even though sometimes I do play little head games with myself to convince myself I’ve held back enough so it won’t hurt so bad if he does die on me. Denial is a brilliant thing sometimes.

Needytoo, my heart hurts for you. I’m glad you were able to finally let go of your anger, for your sake. There is simply no need to now take up a yoke of guilt. I think you have borne enough when it comes to dealing with the bad behavior of others. The spiteful me wants you to send step-thing a homemade card with the quote ‘You Reap What You Sow’ on it, as you give your apologies for not being able to give her any of the support she desires, ever. No excuses need to be given. That she is vacationing while her beloved is so unwell speaks for her own commitment to the situation. I am the person who cuts out / greatly distances myself from family/friends I deem to have finally reached the point of Too Toxic. I know to some people this makes me appear cold / disloyal. It’s the only way I’ve found I can, eventually, let go of my hurt/anger. What people think about you is none of your business. That’s their problem. It’s okay to have boundaries and to enforce them for your own mental health.

Bf and I decided on a quiet holiday with a non-traditional meal of pesto lasagna and strawberry rhubarb pie- his two specialties and will be using food harvested from this past summer’s garden, so that’s fun! I’ll probably make some kinda fancy bread items. Maybe it’s lack of children that let us feel we can skip ‘obligations’? I have tattoos and I recall many years ago one boyfriend begging me to hide them from his conservative judgmental mama during a holidays visit. I refused and she liked me anyway. Whenever I’m confronted with people like that, I try to respond to their comments with a cheerful and positive counter-point. It helps me to not get sucked so much into their negativity black hole and I have the petty satisfaction of knowing it’s annoying them. Tybec, I’ve tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but does your boyfriend EVER put you truly first? It does seem he is all about his own comfort zone. I’ve had friends like that. I loved and enjoyed their company, but I also knew the relationship was totally at their convenience- which worked out fine until my husband got cancer and then died. None of them are in my life now, but I bet if you asked any of them why they’d say they were just waiting for a phone call from me. I think it’s totally fine for a couple to be in a relationship and also have very independent lives from one another- As Long As It’s What Both Parties Want. But I don’t see you happy with this. I’m all about compromise, but there has to be some give as well as take.

Well.... I hesitate to tell you all this, since it might sound like some serious bragging... my bf is neat and tidy, an excellent- albeit limited- cook, and has a great eye when it comes to decorating. I mean, perhaps his orderliness comes from his Dutch ancestry? And he has his degree from an Art Institute, so that accounts for his taste. In this case, I’m the one who he feels is too lackadaisical around the house 🤣 And I can find it frustrating at time that he wants to participate so fully in the aesthetic decisions.

I really like this thread. I mean, not to take anything away from those who marry again- because I am truly jump up and down happy with each marital announcement- but it’s also important to acknowledge one can be truly deeply happy and content committed to another without those matrimonial bonds. This is a new, and relavatory, experience for some of us. It requires letting go of our past mindsets and accepting this new person we are becoming -and learning to like them. I adored being married. And maybe I’ll do it again some day, but I am really enjoying my current relationship with ZERO expectations of ‘where is this going?’ It’s actually pretty refreshing.

I hesitate to tell you just how true this is for me still- almost 6 1/2 years into this and in a solid relationship. Granted, there’s some non-widow stuff that’s been bringing me down also, but I can’t deny it- widowhood has given me this...edge, this ability to go quickly dark, or detach- float above the situation even as it engulfs me. (Or something like that. I haven’t had coffee yet, feeling rambly) I think, in some ways, I’m a better person now - but sometimes the fucked-up part that co-exists with the ‘better’ me is exhausting as hell. It’s funny how I feel as though I’m screaming/weakly mumbling ‘I surrender’, waving that jumbo-sized white flag, while I’m simultaneously fighting like hell to have a meaningful life. I’m doing it even as I deep down honestly don’t seem to care about most of it anymore. But I want to care. I dont know if I’ve ever struggled this hard to get somewhere I don’t even give a shit about going. But I’m hopeful about it, damn it!

We are actually getting ready to go stay with one of my out-of-town male friends for a few days so we’ll see how that goes! I’m very excited because I haven’t seen him in ages. For those who are closer to home, I guess it’s about respecting the other person in their life by being open and friendly and non-threatening. Plus, being completely transparent with my bf, who is a more jealous person than myself! And, yes, we do communicate our whereabouts like I never have before simply because, after a while, my mind can go to some worrisome places; though I’ve noticed it takes longer and longer for the anxiety to set in, so- progress! Who knows? Maybe your mom and her companion have instigated a ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy 😀 we all do what we can to keep things fresh and exciting...

Hmmmmm...lots of food for thought here in this thread... I would describe my bf as an excellent companion in that we travel well together and are generally well-suited personality-wise, food-wise, lifestyle-wise. I guess I think of that as one aspect of my relationship, separate but certainly equal from the romantic sexy-time stuff. Certain words can means different things to people and I myself have been guilty of using my own thoughts to explain something my bf said instead of clarifying it with him instead. Spoiler Alert- I’m wrong a lot! But to be fair, he does it too. We are both still learning each other’s unique languages. He and I both have opposite sex friends. It does require an added layer of trust, but honestly I couldn’t be with someone who insisted all of my closest friends had to be the same sex as me, I would find that controlling. For me- you can’t ‘steal’ someone away who isn’t already available to be stolen; so if another woman can “take” him from me, then she can have him. This doesn’t mean I’m incapable of jealousy, for sure, just that I don’t seem to have it as one of my bigger issues.

Tybec, it can be hard for outsiders to give constructive criticism when they mainly hear the venting side of things and not so much all the good stuff that makes a relationship worth staying in. They just want to be supportive but don’t realize how their myopic vision is not exactly helpful in the long run. So- here’s my own myopic take on this, feel free to dismiss entirely, I won’t be hurt 🙂 Your natural state of being is to be part of a couple. You spent your entire adulthood in a relationship, so it feels like your normal- especially since it was with a person who knew you for almost the entirety of your life- that’s a pretty huge thing. But it also means extra growing pains for you because you are now a fully formed adult trying to have a relationship with another fully formed adult. This is all brand new to you and out of your comfort zone and a pain in the butt because it’s just not gonna be as easy as the clean slate you had the first time around. Ever. I do see you slowly letting go of your unrealistic ideals about what a relationship ought to look like and accepting the reality, though still pretty cranky about it, of course- because who wants to have to deal with drama and conflict? I also see you letting go of your need to define yourself within the parameters of a romantic relationship. I see you learning to enjoy the freedoms that come with having autonomy in your and your child’s life. I think you are understanding that you can stand on your own two feet just fine, thank you very much. It can be nice to have a partner to help with things and share experiences, but it’s not necessary any longer for you to feel fulfilled as a human being. So, now, you have to decide if you want to be tied for life to this man and find yourself not being able to say more than: ‘well, maybe...’ Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with waiting until you feel sure. I know you’ve invested a lot of time here, but don’t let that sway you either way. my philosophy on relationships is not that an ending means failure, it just means it’s no longer able to function in a healthy manner. But then, you two met during tumultuous times for the both of you so who knows what things will look like in a few years? So, basically, you need to decide if he can fit into your life and if you want to try to fit into his. The problem is there are no right or wrong answers here. But I’m rooting for you and supporting you❤️

Oh dear, Rooshy...my brother played a lot of Rush in high school, but that voice just got on my last nerve! Sorry 😁 This is a bit convoluted, but stay with me, people... so, today I decided to bake some blue cornbread with lavender in it. (Highly recommend, bonus points if you throw in some thyme also.) anyway- this made me think of, and want to hear, a childhood favorite song sung by Burle Ives; Lavender Blue, Dilly Dilly. I am happily singing along in the kitchen when YouTube decides I need to listen to Puff The Magic Dragon next. Noooo!!! But it’s too late and I just can’t turn it off, I have to listen to the whole thing. Took everything in me not to start bawling for poor ol’ lonely Puff...

Well... okay, here’s some constructive criticism for you: you do come off sounding Super judgemental- no one likes to feel like they’re out on a date with the morality police, it puts one on edge and then they are less likely to feel like they can be open and honest with you. You state that you want to change whomever woman you’re with. This is just a losing battle. If being married didn’t teach you ‘what you see is what you get’ then I don’t know what will. After getting to know someone, gentle suggestions might work to some extent, but none of us are easy to live with- don’t kid yourself- so best to adopt a ‘pick yer battles’ type philosophy. my favorite marriage advice came from a Yiddish man I met; ‘Before you marry someone, keep both eyes wide open. After you marry them, close one eye’. If you don’t think you are capable of doing that, I would advise you not to marry again. Feeling the need to change the entirety of women as a whole leads me to believe you don’t actually respect or particularly like women. They can usually sense this in men, and it’s a definite turn-off for sure. Maybe you are unaware that your feelings of superiority and ‘what’s right and proper’ for them is insulting. Please examine as honestly as you can these things because until you are able to see the problem with this line of thinking, you are not suitable dating material. When you say you’re not doing anything wrong, that’s a red flag to me. It means you lack self-awareness. I would work on that because I can guarantee you are not a perfect specimen, because none of us are. A quality I deeply admire in others ( and strive for with various amounts of success in myself) is the ability to admit to one’s mistakes and make a sincere apology that does not involve making excuses for the behavior. A self-deprecating sense of humor (i.e. the ability to make oneself the butt of one’s joke) is also wildly attractive. If this is not something you can do, and no sounding self-pitying while doing it, I would also try to address this mental block. This world is an amazing and confusing place, full of both good and bad for sure. If you concentrate on the negative, that is what you are attracting to yourself. But, if you can look around and search for the beautiful, then you will find things more manageable. I’m sorry, but you just don’t sound anywhere near ready to accept a woman into your life, and until you can view them as your equal I wouldn’t try to date.

It was six years in June. I mean, it’s not like the first couple years, by a long shot. And yet...well...I’m so ambivalent, even as I keep trying to do stuff to feel fulfilled and creative and productive. If I stop to examine things too closely, it all just seems pointless, frankly. And there is soooo much that still needs to be done, sold, fixed, etc. I have zero drive to accomplish these things; when I’m tackling this list it feels like I’m doing it while walking under water dragging anvils. But I keep getting out of bed, keep forcing myself to find the positive even when it feels hopeless and meaningless. I have no kids and all my geriatric pets have died. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I feel like I’m still too f-ed up to be in a relationship, but we are both committed to each other. I have intense anxiety issues like I’ve never had in my life. Widowhood? Menopause? Right now, Life does not feel short. But if you asked most people in my life they’d say I was rocking it. I’m lucky to be surrounded by so much love- it keeps me afloat even if all I can do is drift. Land has to show up eventually, right?

Oh my goodness, that is something else entirely! I mean, heck, if you find yourself still attracted to him, why not give it another go? (Again: pool!) Of course, I might be biased since both my husband and boyfriend were exes 😀 Maybe because they were both brief relationships that didn’t end in dramarama, more just cases of bad timing, it seemed very natural to re-visit them.

I’d consider it, Virgo. I mean, it can be hard to find friends once in adulthood, people we truly connect and can be ourselves with, so why not power through that temporary awkwardness and try a friendship? And- who knows- Maybe he’s got some friends he could introduce you to! I like having male friends- it’s a different perspective and they are helpful when it comes to moving heavy objects. Plus, he’s got a pool...