Bunny

The first was the most intense. A week after he died I felt him visit me in the form of...electricity, is the best way to describe it. It ran all through my body and was so filled with love and joy...it felt beautiful. i used to be upset that he wouldn’t be my husband after death, but I realized that I’m thinking about it from the perspective of my life here. If something else does exist, I don’t imagine we’ll be burdened with negative feelings like jealousy or possessiveness. But also- Im okay with the thought of simply being worm food. I’ve given up trying to sort it all out. I can’t give a definitive answer of yes or no to an afterlife- I’m merely open to possibilities.

I don’t believe in a heaven or a hell. I am open to the idea of a parallel universe, or something like that. I’ve had a very tiny handful of experiences I am unable to dismiss, so I do feel something beyond my understanding exists past this earthly experience. If there is something beyond, I’m thinking it’s more...well, the closest word I can think of is Agape love, rather than romantic love.

I’m not trying to be a jerk here, but I just feel like this thread is slowly losing it’s original intention. This is a thread that was set up exclusively for the people who are uninterested in having any sort of romantic relationship whatsoever. I just feel like all of us who are dating or in relationships should be posting our issues outside of this space. (My closest widow friend has chosen not to date or re-couple, so I guess I’m feeling very protective of her here ❤️)

I have seen a spouse come on here before their partner died, but I would not have. It took my husband going into a coma for me to acknowledge he was well and truly dying. Has she accepted that he is going to die? I know there are support groups out there for caregivers and I would recommend you maybe look around for her and offer suggestions since she might not take the time to look herself. It is a very stressful and isolating experience. (I’m grateful I have gotten past the ‘if onlys’- because they really sucked.)

I’ve always been someone who cried both tears of sorrow and joy fairly easily. Now...it seems to take even less to get me there! And, when it happens, there is just this added element in my heart that takes my tears to a different level. I am, in a strange way, grateful for it. Though I notice I need to buy water-proof mascara now and keep a handkerchief always near at hand! Conversely, I also feel a certain detachment from the world that was absent before.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, but grateful you can be there for your son and grandchild. As someone who has been through a huge loss you know how people can scatter so you just being there is so important. I’ve had depression off and on for most of my life. I’ve never been formally treated. Why? Crappy healthcare, fear of stigma/pre-existing condition on my records, unwillingness to be chemically altered, cost of therapy. I think it’s an illness many try to self-medicate in both positive and negative ways. I’ve had periods of suicidal ideation. I can tell you in those moments I was in a great deal of pain and felt that removing myself from this world would be doing those close to me a favor- it can be a pain in the ass dealing with the mentally ill- in addition to ending my own suffering. It seemed... a logical conclusion. But here’s the thing- I have never reached the level of sickness to actually complete suicide, so I can only imagine that kind of pain. I know mental illness is harder to understand than physical illness, but the sad truth is that both can be terminal. I am wondering if people with very young children in the parenting section could be helpful to you? I do remember when my goddaughter was that age she was very fixated on death when we played with her toys, even with having two parents in the home.

I’m so sorry. That all sounds just so overwhelming and devastating. And unfair. I know you will find your way eventually, but you know it’s okay to be lost for a while...

Arneal- bf and I are also on a severe budget when it comes to entertainment. So, when we are feeling stir-crazy, we look for free/cheap activities. Like going to an art exhibit at one of our local museums, or visiting a city garden or nature trail; free concerts/lectures are offered by local colleges or churches or libraries/book stores. Perhaps scout around to see what’s happening in your area and surprise your bf with a night of, say, listening to a visiting concert pianist or a lecture on quantum physics- Shake it up! klim- I am Tired just reading about your bf😂 One of my best friends is like that- a whirling dervish of ideas and activity that can inspire and energize me, in small doses. But also- I am someone who can find great joy in sitting on my porch doing nothing but watch the wildlife for a couple hours. I definitely need both. (She, however, does not!)

I am so sorry, Virgo. Both of my parents are still alive, but my brother and I are estranged so I am dreading this.

There is hoarding in my family tree, on both sides. So I have tried to keep on top of my desire to ‘collect’ cool things. I joked that we bought a small house in order to curb my desire to possess these lovelies. Most everything in my home is either a hand-me-down, bought second-hand, or found by the side of the road -so you can do this pretty cheaply😀 Fortunately, I also like to keep things pretty organized. And, heck, I don’t even buy paper towels because when clothes have reached the end of their usefulness I turn some of them into rags. I hoard food scraps and put them in the composter for good soil or the freezer for future broth. I hate waste. I try to direct the hoarding tendency in positive ways! Seriously though, one of my big fears after my husband died was that the gene would kick into High Gear and my fabulous eclectic decorating style would descend into pure chaos. The year after he died I cared little about my house-keeping, had an enormous stack of mail I could barely be bothered to attend to, and everything that was his were sacred relics. Except for the medical stuff- I could not get that shit out of my house fast enough. But, thankfully, after that first year all I’ve wanted to do is purge, purge, purge. It’s been a slower process than I would like, and I will likely never be a minimalist, but I have a lot of gratitude in my heart that all I want to do is keep simplifying my life. Hoarding is not a choice- there is usually a lot of shame, secrecy, and denial involved- my heart breaks for my fellow wids who struggle with this. Thank you for bringing up the topic, tybec- you never know who might need to see it ❤️

Are you taking anti-anxiety meds? I found them helpful at cutting down the intensity. I also recall having these really intense build-ups inside of me that needed OUT. I would go screaming into a pillow until I was exhaustion. I had some suicidal ideation the first year, and I would just keep listing all the reasons I needed to stay here for that day- no matter how small. I spent most of my life dealing with periodic depression. After he died I didn’t feel depressed, but instead just so profoundly deeply sad that it felt impossible I’d ever be able to overcome it. I found writing about it- both in my journal and on-line- very helpful. People became unbearable to me after he died, everything just felt awkward, I felt awkward. I knew I’d never be the same again. But I learned how to be this new person and slowly I figured out how to be in the world again. And to thrive. You will, too. Please try to find something you can turn to instead of hurting yourself, some other kind of release. I’ve never practiced self-harm but I do remember in the early days digging my nails into my skin and enjoying a sense of relief and I finally understood what it was all about. So I kinda get it- just please work on redirecting your mind to a different kind of self-soothing.

First of all- congrats on turning 50!!! So nice you got to be sung to- I like to do that for people, though I don’t think anyone would describe my voice as beautiful- maybe heartfelt 😉I’m so glad you made the decision to enjoy yourself no matter what the day might bring you♥️ I’m sorry if I missed you discussing this earlier in the thread, but have you told him outright just how much birthday celebrations mean to you and clearly explained why that is? Most men (certainly not all) want to make their partner happy- it’s just most of them do tend to need very specific directions in order to make that happen. A friend of mine tells me it’s not romantic or sincere if she has to tell her partner what she wants done and the why and the when. So she ends up often disappointed. Every year my mom expects my dad will remember their anniversary or her birthday, and every year when he (usually) doesn’t she feels hurt. My husband was terrible about remembering dates. And sometimes he felt lost about what to get or do for me. But I’m the kinda girl who likes to give a man a heads-up for any holiday that is important to me. Start mentioning it about a week in advance. Perhaps suggest what I’d like to do to celebrate if he seems at all panicked or stumped. Maybe it isn’t so spontaneous or ‘romantic’, but it sure has kept the disappointments at bay. Cake is my favorite dessert, but since I seem to be attracted to only pie eaters I do try to attend to my own cake needs each year since that is something I have not been able to ‘train’ any of them to give me 😂.

I’ve written about this elsewhere. I was always happy I took my husband’s name, love it. But I’m childless- and five years into widowhood I finally realized that this lack of a blood connection made his family not think of me as part of theirs anymore. So I’ve started considering it. But my maiden name is kinda unpronounceable and I’m probably too lazy to do the necessary footwork. I’m not planning on marrying again, but if I did I would then either switch to my maiden name or take my bf’s. Keeping my late husband’s at that point would just feel weird without kids, you know?

Thank you for saying all that, tybec. Honestly, when portside wanted to hear what your bf wanted from you I started rattling off in my head: he wants her to be okay with playing second fiddle to his children, his mother, and to all his legal feudings with the ex-wife. Also- he wants her to be totally cool with him ruining every holiday they were supposed to spend together but then really didn’t. He wants her to keep accepting the dangling carrots he offers in order to get her to not walk away. The ring offer is just the latest extra-big-shiny-carrot because he is finally starting to understand that this woman he’s taking for granted is strong and independent and just might get fed up and walk. Also, I think the whole ‘would have married her, but...’ is just to show tybec he is a man in demand, keep her on her toes, and feed his own ego. Whatever. Okay. Maybe all that was harsh, and it’s true we’re only hearing parts of one side, but I’ve got years of history with you online here, tybec, and this man is irritating me by being so damn consistently self-absorbed! I would NOT get engaged until he can actually make it through one damn holiday season acting like he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Keep speaking up for yourself, and keep observing those actions. I do believe that he loves you, he just needs to keep matching his actions to his feelings and words- in those every day ways, not just with the simpler grand gestures.

fairlanegirl- your post is reminding me of something I used to say in regards to romantic relationships: If all houses were duplexes there’d be A LOT less divorces! True now more than ever...

There’s a lot going on here, so I’ll just address one aspect I can relate to. I have friends that need constant stimulus- whether it’s always having the TV on or music playing, or needing to be busy with something. They are just not good with silence or stillness. I love spending time with them, it can be invigorating and enjoyable- to a point. After a while, I start to feel utterly exhausted. Because, while I love being social, I’m the kind of person who recharges with quiet time. Lots of quiet time. I was trying to explain this to a friend who was confused that her bf couldn’t handle all the noisiness that is her and her children’s lives. She finds silence uncomfortable, it does not bring her joy. Another friend adores a crowded chaotic shopping excursion- it positively energizes her- while I am next to her feeling a bit overwhelmed. So I totally get your need for ‘me time’. Seriously- What you have right now sounds pretty ideal to me- children and bf getting your undivided attention in turns, with time to yourself also available. Each household is a chance to ‘escape’ from the cares and responsibilities of the other one. I think people move in together when it simply becomes a pain in the ass to keep traveling to and fro, when being all together sounds easier. It just doesn’t sound like you’re to that point yet.

Here I am again. Because I’ve been thinking about you and my widow friend here in town who is living a very similar experience to yours. I’m so glad you write with such openness about your relationship and feelings because most of us on here are serial daters, so we forget what it’s like to be dating the Second Person Ever In Our Lives- most of us passed that milestone many moons ago... So thanks for sharing- for all those lurkers in similar situations! As a military brat, constantly moving, marrying a first love seemed ideal to me, very romantic. But you and she are showing me the downside to that ideal. She struggles with jealousy over his past girlfriends and current female friends. He’s had ex-spouse/relative and custody issues she can’t relate to.Their parenting styles and past marriages are very different. For most of us here, offering you support, we’re the battled-scarred warriors to your more fresh on the dating field confusion. Our own personal experiences most certainly inform the commentary we give to you- and will tend more towards the grey rather than black and white. I am proud of you for advocating for yourself, telling him clearly what you require from him; and for realizing it’s okay to take a step back and let Life play out- realizing that you are a single, strong woman with options that may or may not include this man, because either way you and your son will be okay. Really. I know you want to be married again, it is your comfort zone- that’s true for many here- but there really is no need to rush towards something that could, potentially, last a very long time. When we can remove from our brains the expectation of outcome, our vision of reality becomes much clearer. As usual- you know I’m rooting for you!

Reading these responses I’m realizing the main problem- as I see it- isn’t the fact that he lied, it’s that you really don’t trust him. Considering how long you two have been together, I’d say that is the Big Deal. And I do think if things were going better between the two of you this would have been less of an issue. Both my husband and boyfriend admitted to being jealous people. And yet, they both not only chose to be with a woman who has multiple male friends, it wasn’t/isn’t a problem (ever) in either relationship because they both trust(ed) me completely. Honestly, It’s a joyful thing to have offered these two men my fidelity, it’s never been hard for me. I just remembered something I never shared with my husband. I had a couple men from high school find me on the Facebook. If I was their wives I would not have been pleased with the private messages they sent. Nothing horribly inappropriate, but also not completely innocent. I took them for what they probably were- current dissatisfaction with their lives and waxing poetic about a seemingly simpler time. Why would I share this with anyone? A decade later they are both still married and seem genuinely happy. If you can’t trust him, please don’t consider marriage just yet.

He didn’t tell you because he knew it would piss you off. I wouldn’t call that a lie, but rather a sin of omission. I’ve done this myself on occasion to avoid conflict, not because of any nefarious reasons. What can I say? I’m kinda conflict adverse. Also- No man likes to deal with an angry woman. No man wants to hear ‘We Need To Talk’. I think it’s more important to look at how he responded once ‘discovered’, which was all about respecting your comfort level, yes? Hell, you know I have my problems with this guy, but this just doesn’t seem like a Big Issue. Your girlfriends sound like their way of being supportive is to simply parrot your fears- you need to find yourself a devil’s advocate to balance things out. 🙂 I mean, I get being jealous because the green-eyed monster is all emotion and refuses what your logical mind knows- he is with you. He’s chosen you. She is his past, but sounds like they ended on good terms so it makes sense she would maintain fond feelings for him and want to be supportive in his life. The exes I’m friends with ended nicely- the horrible endings I don’t care about or want to speak to again. One ex had a wife who invited me to social events because her husband was friends with me - and even though I was respectful and nice and she was polite back I could tell she and her friends did not like me, which made me anxious. It was awkward and the friendship faded because I let it because who wants to deal with that? It sucked. My bf is 55 and never married. He dated a lot. Here’s my recent experience with bf’s exes- last weekend we went to a party where an ex was and we did not speak to her because it was a messy break-up and no one was interested in being social to the other, so we all politely kept our distances. Next weekend I’m going to a birthday party of one of his exes whom I adore, and that we socialize with frequently. She is emotionally invested in my bf’s happiness because she genuinely cares about him. Facebook friends. Hang out without me or her bf around. I assume they have messaged each other? Zero fear of her stealing my man. It’s always good to keep those antennas up, but a gut feeling vs. an emotional reaction are different things, yes? I guess you need to decide which this is. Also- full disclosure- I have been cheated on and done the cheating so I do get it. Just keep in mind that actions usually speak much louder than words. Observe.

I discovered Mary Oliver in widowhood, when someone on the ywbb posted her poem ‘The Uses of Sorrow’. It affected me profoundly, and caused me to search out even more of her poetry. I love her style. Also- she, herself, was widowed in 2005 -when her partner of over 40 years died. Molly Malone Cook. They met at Edna St. Vincent Millay’s house- how awesome is that?

Bumping this for anyone who might need to let loose. also- Fuck You Cold Weather! So damn sick of you...

It took me, like, 5-6 years to start feeling my various angers lessening in strength. I did A Lot of venting, especially in the F-you thread in 6-12 mo. section. Maybe I should go bump that...

My late husband was a child of divorce, from an early age. He told me many stories about being a total brat to his mom’s boyfriends and husbands. He resented them and wanted his parents back together, despite the fact that they fought all the time. He was disrespectful and reminded these men they weren’t his dad. I’m guessing that children of divorce have additional feelings of needing control, and divorced parents are probably busy dealing with feelings of guilt and failure which clouds their parenting skills. In other words: A Nightmare To Deal With. Honestly, while coping with death is immensely painful, it seems a lot more cut and dried. The children of widowed parents seem extra thoughtful and empathetic, whereas the divorced children seem...unsettled and resentful. What’s that saying? The children who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways.... something like that. I’ve read about successfully blended families, but it does seem to require family therapy- because who can sort all these shitty feelings out without professional outside the relationship help?! You all have my best most positive thoughts and deepest respect for taking these things on!

I had soooo much trouble sleeping. I used copious amounts of alcohol, combined with various natural remedies, to try to reach the oblivion of sleep. i remember waking up and the minute I reached consciousness bursting into tears, just laying there weeping until my ears were full of tears. No one ever told me grief caused so much physical pain. Before widowhood, I required silence and darkness to sleep. Afterwards, I discovered falling asleep to binge watching shows on Netflix. It would take me forever to find a position that hurt the least, my body surrounded by various pillows and blankets, a bottle of his hair clutched tightly in my hand. It does get softer with time, but where you are right now just plain SUCKS.

thank you for coming here to tell us. I am so, so sorry Bluebird.