Bunny

It’s interesting; I’m dating a self-professed jealous dude (yup-he is), and yet he has no issue with the oil painting my step-FIL did of my wedding day, or the huge photo of DH in the upstairs hall, or having to listen to people- when they find out who I was married to- tell me how totally awesome they thought my dead husband was. He’s taken me to the car show we started, and we’ve gone to social events of members from DH’s car club, where he’s surrounded by people who adored DH. I dunno, maybe he’s just one cocky little mf with an incredibly strong sense of self-worth? There are definitely widow things Ive said/did that tried his patience, brought him to angry frustration, he is certainly no long-suffering saint. But maybe some personalities are just naturally better at handling the widowed than others? I’d like to think I’d rock it also, but I could see me just as easily being a jealous, consumed, cyber-stalking sleuth of all-things-dead-wife. We are a complicated bunch to date. Yes, there are lessons extreme grief teaches that can make us excellent partners in some ways, but we’re no free and easy ride...all we can do is make sure our partners know they are Number One in our heart and life. If we can’t give them that then we’re probably not ready to be in a relationship, because I know I sure as hell wouldn’t want to settle for less.

The picture insecurity is one thing, I could probably work with that one. But the comments about your LH are abhorrent. Not that any of us have sainted dead partners beyond criticisms, but you definitely don’t need to be around someone that ignorant and heartless when it comes to the complexities of suicide.

I don’t think I’ve ever really had a list.... maybe I’ve uttered the words ‘no more musicians!’ more than once; and i admit I’ve never really trusted a man whose too interested in showering me with gifts/compliments. I have, however, noticed that I definitely seem to have a ‘type’. Apparently, I really enjoy the more complicated and strong-willed men. Judging from my history, I’d say they do seem to truly fascinate me to no end! 🙂

Thank you for sharing your poem. Im glad you feel safe here. I can relate to some of this. But I also know it’s different because my husband died sober, so less stigma. But he was still working shit out, the reasons why he drank and used were still demons clawing at his soul and they did cast shadows on our marriage. I’m mad he died before he could work things out and stop being so angry and verbally abusive- because he really was making progress. I’m mad I put up with his bad behavior. I’m mad at him for leaving me with this complicated grief. I know he loved me. I know he adored me. But he also treated me like shit sometimes and I’m so mad at him for it because it keeps blocking out all the really good stuff. There was so much good but the piles of shit surrounding it stink up the memories. It will be six years next month. Each year gets easier, but I’m so tired of it. Yeah. I know I totally need a therapist.

As of this year, all my animals with my husband are dead too, Meema. It is a strange feeling. I’m in no hurry to get another pet, or husband (though I do like having my boyfriend). And yeah- that life feels a million miles away from where I am now. And now really is pretty darn good. Man...grief is so damn... weird. So, I came home from my vacation to find in my mailbox the county had sent me a jury summons. This is not at all unusual as I’m one of those people who gets them pretty much yearly. But the date...June 11. The day my husband died. Even falls on a Monday, which is the day of the week he died. Not quite sure what to do. Will it be nice to have something to do that day, to keep busy? Will I suddenly have a panic attack during jury selection? Who knows?! Not me...

This is an on-line dating thread so your comments, and the debate that followed, are all important for the learning curve of those who want to dip their toes in that process, yes? Hopeful you convinced a few to go ahead and be grown up honest adults already - and show others to procede with a modicum of caution. And i I don’t think you were over-reacting. Of course widowhood makes some of us more cautious about playing those mortality odds when picking future partners. But also- 15 damn years! How delusional do you have to be to think this is a good idea in the long run? I don’t think there are many men who would enjoy finding out they were on a date with a 60 year old woman when they were expecting someone 43- no matter how young she felt inside. I was in a relationship for several years with a man 10 years older and the generation gap was Big- even with him being more athletic than me 😉 I’ve also dated significantly younger, but I’ve just always preferred someone near my own age and (if I had one) I’d have a dating profile that reflected that -and expect men to respect that wish.

Well, i guess it’s the six year club here...tomorrow would have been my wedding anniversary and in less than a month it will be six years since he died. Part of me can’t believe I’m still finding stuff that needs emotional processing and the other part is all; ‘duh!’ My bf is taking me out of town for my birthday, which is this weekend. While running last minute errands I unexpectedly became extremely anxious and then a line from a song on the radio made me burst into a sobbing mess. Did not see that coming, but then realized the source- hopefully that means tomorrow will go okay now. Hugs, ladies❤️ Six year....wtf?!

I admit I’ve told my share of little white lies and I think I’m generally a decent human being, so a bit of fudging here and there? That’s cool. I’ve never lied about my age, but maybe that’s because people usually think I’m younger and my ego enjoys the shock when I’m honest. But 15 years is a rather substantial fudge. When I read that I just rolled my eyes and assumed he was one of those people who can’t stand to date their own age, tells themselves they’re young at heart so need a younger partner to match, but doesn’t want them to know this because then they might get shut down from the get-go. I’d definitely be interested in the reason he gives you and what his own age parameters are for potential dating partners. I’ve never done online dating, but from talking to my friends it seems the more honest you are with your details- and use of very recent full body photographs- the better the meet and greet goes.

It’s frustrating and tiring how long it can take until we feel like the ground beneath us is anywhere near firm again. For me, I guess it took about five and a half years, but I know people on the outside looking in think it was sooner. I used to force myself to do stuff I didn’t want to do by calling it my ‘widow homework’. At this point, I call my friends to do stuff and I have a good time, but this process took me years of going out even when I didn’t want to. Boy, do I understand feeling apathy and anxiety! It sucks. It can take a while to become comfortable and accepting of this new person we are becoming. I fought it a lot and was miserable with her, but I’m finally figuring out how to enjoy her. Grief can take longer than we think it could or should. Be patient with yourself, but set some goals on what you want your future to look like and take those baby steps to get there. There’s no time limit, but effort is everything.

Widowhood has kinda turned me into a fatalist- I control nothing so no point in worrying, right? And yet, at the same time, I have also gained some pretty severe general anxiety issues. It’s frustrating and I mostly force myself to push through the feelings when they happen but this new normal can sure make everyday life more challenging, to say the least. And yeah, there is limited sympathy/understanding for anxiety issues, but I think that’s pretty true of most mental illnesses.

so, basically, what you’re saying is because you have such a crappy healthcare system in your country you feel like you legally can’t get married because it could potentially bankrupt you, yes? If you want to go about this honestly, purely, then I suppose you should own it and be upfront about your reasons- and maybe even vocal advocates for change in how your country treats it’s citizens in regards to healthcare and retirement; perhaps start looking at other counties that have handled this more successfully and advocate for that kind of system here. Because you know you are not alone in this problem why not make part of your commitment, your vows, to be the change you want to see in the world? For me, personally, that would be how to get my respect for your choices- own them completely. But, I guess it’s easier for me because in my circle of friends there are probably a pretty equal number of married and unmarried and no one seems to care much either way how people do it. My only experience with this has been kinda in the opposite direction- a couple who had been together for decades in a committed relationship, deliberately unmarried for their own moral reasons, got married (the same day I did, actually) when one of them got cancer and they were worried someone else who was ‘real’ family would have more say than the partner would in regards to healthcare decisions. I was told part of the bride’s vows were- I love you so much I’m legally marrying you- i.e. going against her moral beliefs to legally make him her husband. He died in less than two years and I’ve never felt she didn’t deserve anything that piece of paper gave her even though they married ‘deceitfully’ because they spent their whole life turning their noses up at something that they ultimately participated in. I understood, had sympathy, and they were very honest and vocal about their reasons. I like the title of beloved quite a bit, might have to start using that in my own life...

I finally got around to reading the article and I pretty much agree with the author. In simplest terms, in a good marriage, you know your spouse has your back and you have theirs (even when you are royally pissed at each other). When this is true, when both people in the relationship feel a total commitment, then everything else can be handled, together. It doesn’t mean prioritizing a planned romantic dinner when your child suddenly gets the flu, but of being mindful and cherishing your spouse every day in small ways. It’s a gift, not a disservice, to children to show them how love and commitment work in a functioning marriage. Of course, in blended families this is more difficult to navigate, but I do still agree that the marriage has to be your priority or it is doomed to fail; when the partnership is primary then all problems can be solvable because you’re willing to communicate and compromise and make choices together for the greater good. I’m a huge believer in extended pre-marital counseling and I think it’s doubly important when blending, because our vision can so easily be clouded by the best of intentions. My husband was terrible at doing any of the housework. I get it, housework is endless and not that much fun, but it definitely made me feel unsupported and it did affect other areas of our relationship. I see friends who prioritize their children slowly drifting away from their spouses until they’re basically roommates. I’ve listened to people complain endlessly about their spouse. I’ve certainly watched people putting their hobby, their passion, ahead of their spouse. Unfortunately, it can be easiest to ignore the ones you love, to take things for granted, to become complacent. Marriage takes putting in the effort every day, to actively listen and respect one another, to see and treat them as a loving partner, not one extra burden/chore to be dealt with. Its interesting to be in a relationship now where he does work around the house without me having to ask. It makes me feel cherished when he cooks dinner or scrubs a toilet- which makes me not care at all when he leaves the seat up!

My husband was also a beloved member of his community. You’d be surprised how fast people can scatter when the word cancer appears...don’t be a stranger.

This thread is reminding me of my husband's anger issues. He expressed every emotion – anxiety, depression, sadness, frustration – with anger. It was exhausting for me. From what I've read, a traumatic and unstable childhood can cause this (which he certainly had in spades), because one gets used to and finds comfort in the adrenaline rush it causes-because it is familiar, not that it feels good. And now, the trauma of his death has brought some anger issues to me. Life is funny when you can learn to appreciate the joke.

Last year was hard on me, for a number of reasons. So, this year, I committed to a Daily List of 10 things I thought would be helpful to my mental/emotional outlook. I made them simple so it would be hard to justify skipping out, and I made a spreadsheet with places to checking off each thing every day. It has done wonders for me! Maybe think about some things you could do in your own life. A few you might consider for helping to tame your anger- which has also been one of my issues, off and on, over the years: Minimum of 5 minutes meditating. I found this method helpful for shutting my brain down- http://www.relaxationresponse.org/publications/BostonGlobePowerOfOm.htm Write minimum of three sentences in a journal. Sometimes I write what I’m feeling, sometimes it’s a gratitude list, sometimes I just bitch about the weather or whoever’s irritating me. Hug someone for one full minute- I’d say either your child or significant other. I cannot stress enough how fantastic this has been for me. There are plenty of studies out there to back up the many benefits. My boyfriend is also now sold, and it’s a good way to get over a squabble. Read half an hour of something positive or uplifting. My first book was The World According to Mister Rogers. I’m reading Jane Goodall now. I know you exercise and do hobby stuff- just make sure these aren’t on the back burner. The thing about anger is that we can get used to it and it starts to feel really satisfying to indulge in its power. It takes serious mindfulness to recognize and redirect to something more constructive. You acknowledging and wanting to change the narrative are good things. Sometimes I can step back and realize we all have our own battles to contend with, so replacing the anger with sympathy helps- especially when I can keep in mind that nothing is personal, really. Currently, I’m working through feelings of anger and abandonment over a couple friends. It’s been hard to work through, but I need to be completely free of it and ignoring my feelings wasn’t working anymore! Good Luck- and Peace be with you!

I saw this video today and thought of this thread, though the roles are reversed:

As for me, I am excellent at procrastinating- widowhood did nothing to change this. I was also pretty darn ambivalent about things that first year; lacking in motivation to do anything beyond the absolute musts. I’m guessing it took me at least a year, I honestly can’t remember. But then, we were on a family plan and his was a flip phone that didn’t receive texts- so it was a rather cheap indulgence. If it’s a big financial drain, definitely sooner is better than later. Is all the info on there saved somewhere separate, like in the cloud, in case you want to look at or hear something you think of later? Would you be willing to deal with the annoyance of changing your number to his in order to not miss any incoming calls/texts he might some day receive? In the end, it almost all becomes just stuff. But, in the beginning, certain things can feel like the most precious artifacts and are hard to part with, even a phone plan.

I’m one of the few wids who hasn’t ever gotten bent out of shape when someone talks about their dead pets when finding out I’m a widow. I get why it pisses people off, I totally do. But, I mean, this is a creature who is with you day in and day out, sees you at your very best and absolute worst, for years on end (if you’re lucky). How could I possibly dismiss the depth and intimacy that can come from such a bond? I’ve mentioned this before- I still keep pictures up of my first dog, dead over a decade now; I’m past caring if anyone finds this odd or ridiculous. (He was magical, like getting to live with a unicorn). I’m so sorry, Euf. Losing a dog really sucks. As you know, I lost mine in January and I find myself occasionally wandering around feeling so...unmoored without that little heartbeat in my home.

I felt like hearing this today, haven’t listened to it in years- that desire is still there, though the feelings are different: https://g.co/kgs/8n5uGd

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/this-new-dating-trend-is-even-worse-than-ghosting_us_5aabfcf6e4b05b2217fe8495?utm_campaign=hp_fb_pages&utm_source=main_fb&utm_medium=facebook&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063 A single friend of mine shared this article, and I’ve seen people on here talk about dealing with this type of bad behavior, so thought it might be of some interest in this thread.

https://themoth.org/stories/a-lucky-man

This looks like it might be helpful: https://www.bridalguide.com/etiquette/bridal-etiquette-qas/wedding-invitation-etiquette/invitation-wording-deceased-parents I think it’s perfectly fine to mention both parents if that is what your daughter wants, even before I was widowed I didn’t think it awkward or weird when a dead parent was listed n an invite.

So normal. I remember in my first year a friend took me to an animal sanctuary (because I love animals) and I got to bottle feed baby deer, hand feed strawberries to a turtle, and pet a capybara. I felt nothing. I feel like I should add: it will be 6 years June 11th and - at this point- any one of those aforementioned activities would have me over the moon with joy. So, yeah, apathy is part of the journey but it is by no means the final destination.

This used to be my favorite thread to post in. I still have some lingering anger / abandonment issues dealing with both my husband and some friends, but I wish I didn’t and I’ve been working harder this year to resolve those feelings so I can have more peace. Sooo...FUCK YOU useless anger and feelings of abandonment. It’s been almost 6 years. I’m tired of you showing up unexpectedly while I’m trying to go about my new life. Time to finally Go Away. Seriously. You Suck.